Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I tried the mobile MFD and it was hard to use, unwieldy and too many steps. This is perfect. I can instantly add a new food and only have to enter the calories if I want. It was free when I added it but they will be charging soon, if they aren't already.
I've been back on the straight and narrow since Monday. I was on the verge of stuffing myself until the New Year, but no need for that, I don't need to add more pounds to the ten I have put on. Scale said 164.4 this morning.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm now 2 years into not having an ACL again and have about 8 more to go before we strip me of my knee joint and replace it with mechanical parts. I can't wait. The simple act of sitting on the sofa produces pain when I get up. Recently my knee has started doing that creepy thing where it squishes and then hurts so bad I can't move. But if I give it a few moments, I'm okay and can move, allbeit slowly, but I can move again. Happened when I was finishing my Christmas shopping... My knee can't even sustain shopping. :c(
When I came off the Zoloft I was all worried about being sad. I don't think that is my problem anymore... I'm not a huge fan of the Prozac and have honestly not been taking it. It is supposed to help with anxiety but I felt like it gave me an edge. As soon as some family pointed it out I was like, yeah, not for me.
So what it for me? Well, I did what my doctor asked, I went to see the joint replacement guy and he told me what he thought. We tried the shots... and I was unimpressed with those. What I need is to be properly medicated. My anxiety stems from my knee and the pain. Why don't we just treat the pain? I have an easier time thinking through the haze of a pain killer than I do through the flatline of life the is the psych drugs. I fail to understand why the medical community is so quick to provide the head drugs but not the pain drugs. I think if I was going to develop a problem with painkillers I'd be there by now.
So that brings me to 2009. I put on 8 pounds this year (165 this morning) and most of that since August. :-( I know, I know, in the great scheme of things, nbd. But is is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL to me. My normal has changed and I feel just awful at this size. I notice the gain in my knees and the way that I stand. I would be immobile by now if I was still 345. But I'm not and I know what I need to do to get back into living life. The pain sucked a lot of life from me this year and I don't want the next 8 to be the same. I would hate to waste my 30's to pain the way my 20's were lost to being too fat to live life.
I see a physical therapist on the 31st. I'm so far out of shape at this point I think I might hurt myself if I don't get some strength back. Wether I can get myself to a point where I can comfortably work out remains to be seen. But this is my hope for 2009. I want to be active again.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
And then after-- Drinks. Tomorrow is a new day.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
It must have been the Facebook tag with my last name on it... Such is life. If you read all my posts, you know how I feel about surgery. However, I do hope you saw the one where I said I wish it was different. I'll never forgive her for pushing you towards that, we only get one body, one go around. I still love you and hope you are doing ok.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Fiber One Bar
Large Iced Vanilla Coffee from DD
French Cruller (that didn't get eaten until 3pm)
1/2 WW Pita with Chicken Breast, Mayo, Mustard and Lettuce
M brings these home form the office for me, mostly cantaloupe and honeydew, the occasional strawberry and pineapple too.
10 Hershey Kisses w/Almonds
Chicken and Veggie Soup
Snack during Lecture
Venti Iced Coffee w/milk
Fiber One Bar
A small handful of M's peanuts
1 Swedish Fish
Not the greatest day nutritionally, but it's that TOM and I was a little stressed this morning. Took the twin sis to a appt.--normally she is the one who comes with me.... Worrying is hard work. Mmmm, chocolate, more almonds than chocolate, or so I tell myself, but still what I needed on this dreary rainy somewhat stressful day.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
O has been in the news again for reaching 200 pounds. Self admited. I wish that with everything she has that she could get a hold on food. I wish that I cold bottle up what it is that I have found and give it to her and say here! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
1.5 oz. of Maple and Brown Sugar Life
1/2 c. 1% milk
Venti Iced Coffee
Kashi Truly Vanilla Oatmeal
Ham and Cheddar Sandwich on Multigrain with Honey Mustard, Lettuce and Tomato
Jasmine Tea with Honey
1 c. Chicken and Rice Soup (really just carrots and broth)
Veggie Sushi with Brown Rice
16 oz. Banana Mango Smoothie
Late Night Snack
1 c. Frozen Veggies
My tummy still needs TLC so small bites are still the order of biz. It's really made me conscious of how I was wolfing down my food again.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sarah Lee Chocolate Cream Pie
M bought it for me thinking it would make me feel better while ill. It's tasty but everything is still in small bites. I have had an 1/8th of it so far.
Culinary Circle Chocolate Molten Cake
These have 730 calories a piece, two per box. M and I split one the other night and didn't finish it. Again, something he bought to make me feel better. I can't tell him no, I just need to live with it.
Mrs. Smith Pimpkin Pie
I'm not sure this will ever get eaten, it was on sale. Again an M purchase.
I use both of these for my pot pie. Depending on how I am feeling, they bring a different a taste to the crust. I also use them to wrap up fish with spinach and pesto and bake. Yum.
Chopped Frozen Cilantro
I use this all the time when M makes nachos or tacos. I make a veggie topping with peppers and black beans, garlic, lemon juice and a cube of this. Adds flavor.
Both shelled and unshelled. The unshelled I steam, lightly salt and eat as a snack. The shelled I add to salads or to some steamed dumplings that you can also see in there and then quickly stir fry with other veggies to make a quick hot meal.
Most have the same nutrition as fresh and they come is handy little steam bags, all sorts of flavors etc. Useful for adding to the frozen fresh pasta I also have in there.
This is also for my pot pie or for fajitas. I'll roast it and then shred it myself. Little extra work but worth the flavor.
If this stuff is not kept in the freezer I have a kitty who will seek and destroy.
I can never have enough ice.
So that's my freezer-- a mix of me and M. There are things in there I could inhale but don't. Learning to live with this stuff has been a key to my success. I know many people say to remove all temptation and sometimes I feel like M is sabotaging me, but this is life. And I need to live it, even with chocolate cream pie in the freezer.
Twin sis is about my weight now but the inch I have on her makes clothes fit differently. It's been a blast sharing with her. I barely got out of my own way this week, but did manage to swing by her house with a jacket for her to wear to a party Wednesday evening. Her Facebook status the next day. "... is glad I don't have to explain to my sister how I misplaced her favorite vintage blazer." Yeah, that's one of those things I have that is a wear once and return. It's a gorgeous cotton velvet in a deep cranberry from Filene's.
So hopefully she'll help me get rid of stuff to make my closet more manageable. There are things I have in our size now that she had purchased in a larger size that I can pass her way. There are also some thing I purchased not for me, but in the hopes that someday she would be able to wear them. We are there. One of those items was a vintage green leather trench. Something about it never was right for me but looks fabulous on her.
Silly that this makes me happy as a grown adult but we haven't shared clothes since high school. Life is good.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
When M came down early he stopped at the store. Atleast now I have him trained to only buy certain types of candy. He was all oooh it's half off. He showed restraint, and bought Kit Kats and Three Musketeers. Thank god he has gotten over the peanut butter cups and Butterfingers! Alas he also bought two things of froyo, Half Baked and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. :(. Can't win them all.
I'm off to the store for morecleaning supplies, to return some cans, hit up coinstar and thengofor a walk. Lyn reminded me the other day that I am making excuses. That's not who I want to be and not who I am. I know some of this is drug transition related, but that's another post.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The knee. I was laying there last night trying to decide if the shots of synthetic joint fluid had worked or not. They made me feel like crap for the day after they were injected but then that went away and I was left searching for any sign of pain relief. I am still stiff (more so than I have been recently) and I still hurt. Alas, not sure if they did me any good but it was worth the shot.
But despite all this I still managed to enjoy October. I saw a Patriots game on my birthday we tailgated and had cake and then later on in the week I had more cake. I saw Madonna from right next to the stage and my new favorite band, Pictures and Sound. I kept up with friends and even manged to get myself across down with a ridiculously heavy bag when my car was towed out of my sisters new neighborhood. I am trying hard not to let the knee effect my quality of life but it is hard. I have no idea how I will keep this up for 10 years or so. The new OS said that if it hadn't been for the infections that he would give me a new knee asap. That was very hard to hear.
We have been spending weekends on the Cape in my grandmothers old place. Something about coming down here is good for M' ear. Sadly there is a lack of internets but there is a TV, the beach for walking and the flea market and generally a wonderful place to simply relax. I'm writing this on my iphone. Impressed?
My weight is on the high end of my comfortability range, 159-160. My plan to write it all down this month flew out the window the first weekend we came down here with no internets. I hate having to pay such close attention to it sometimes, but if I don't well, all of you who have lost weight only to regain know why I do. I asked my PCP if my eating was disordered the last time I saw her, she said what's makes you say that. Ummm, the media saying that those who keep it off are basically freaks on par with the anorexics of the world. (And no, I am not saying that anorexics are freaks, I can not imagine that struggle with food, but what I am saying is that we all have control issues, and I bristle at the MSM saying that those of us who have worked hard and figured it out are still sick.) Anyways, she said not to worry out of all of her paitents I had the best outlook and view on food that she had seen in a long time.
Tomorrow I have my first of two ServSafe classes. My intership is sponsering me for these and it is another notch in the applying to grad school belt. I got a letter from CU this month too approving my transfer credits so now I actually get to graduate officialy from college in December. I'm pricing tickets to see if I could attend that cheaply. SO crazy how long ago it was that I left Boulder and yet it feels like yesterday sometimes. So much has changed, not only my weight but my life. It all happend in the blink of an eye it seems. That's a good reason to keep on keeping on.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
Almond, Dried Cranberries and Banana Chips
An ounce of each at 180, 110 and 160 calories.
Wheat Roll with humus
And I think that is all I will probably eat today. I have slept away my day after the appointment with the new knee doctor today.
We are going to try the knee lubrication shots. It is a series of three. Kind of stings right now where he injected me but it should be better tomorrow. I brought M with me for support and so that he could hear it for himself. The guy did not mince words. I have a problem, he said. But honestly, as I expected, he is more concerned about my history of infection rather then replacing the knee. I get the feeling he wants to wait years and years. So I cross my fingers and hope these shots work b/c I am in pain. If they do work they would be administered twice a year until they no longer work for me. Honestly they don't know much about them and how they work. Reassuring.
The only other thing he suggested was a brace or a neoprene sleeve. I explained about my weightloss. He was impressed and asked a bunch of questions about it. He even asked M if he knew me when I was heavier. She was on her way down he replied. So back to the brace, they are hard for me to wear because of the extra skin on my thighs. A sleeve would simply cut me off and then roll. Not a pretty sight.
So what next? More waiting.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
2 wheat rolls from yesterday with humus
chocolate sandwich cookies
These are made by Late July a Massachusetts company. I had the dark chocolate ones and for 200 calories they are the most satisfying sandwich cookies I have ever had. And I love me some sandwich cookies. M knows that Oreos are just not allowed in our house.
Mango Chicken Salad from Qudoba,
But with no cheese or sour cream. I had black beans instead which they charged me for even though I didn't have cheese. :c( We stopped after class and brought our food home, M likes their steak tacos better than Chipotle. Anyways, the salad comes in one of those fried tortilla type bowls. I pitched that and had the salad on my own plate. Very very tasty.
Berries with chocolate sorbet
Peanut Butter Cookie Lara Bar
This is my new favorite bar, Peanuts, dates and salt. That's it, and it taste like a peanut butter cookie. I was just at their website which is annoying with flash, but I see that they have a cinnamon roll flavor and a ginger snap. I need to find those.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Berry OatBran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with milk
Salad: Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onion and Peppers
I had lunch with my mom today at her work and she shared her salad and apple with me. Much better than yesterday when I could hear the nurses talking about me like I wasn't even there. After they all left, one stayed and she asked a barrage of questions. My answers were so vague that she finally had to come out and ask if I was H's daughter. When your mom is the boss, you don't really want the whole world to know.
Half an apple
Tomato and cheese soup
They make soup for the employees every Wednesday. Home made soup is the best, but I prefer the broth based ones. This stuff was so creamy I'm sure it was more cheese than tomato.
Plain yogurt sweetened with agave syrup poured over berries and a pear
M ate at the office tonight, actually he brought home a pork chop covered with onions and a side of broccoli from the office. He ate the meat left the veggies. Sigh.
Late Night Snack
2 homemade wheat rolls with butter
Sometimes you just need to eat something, especially when doing chemistry homework for hours. Besides they smelled so good as they were baking. Really I was making them for sammiches, but I couldn't resist when they came out all warm.
Brown rice cucumber sushi snack pack.
I started my internship this week. My wonderful mother is the Administrator of a pediatric nursing home. I need 200 hours of food related work experience. Most of her kids are on feeding tubes but some do eat by mouth. She also has me doing some special projects, like determining the cost per resident of formula and the additives. It's the vitamins and minerals that they have to add for some of these kids which is big $$$. I spent yesterday with their Dietician, working out what some of these kids need is one big math problem. Some kids only get a few hundred calories a day... I know that sounds low, but if you suffer from hypothermia, don't move and don't breath on your own you don't need much energy. They are a non for profit so no pay, but her organization is going to pay for my ServSafe class. That's later this month. I have so much to study for.
The GRE is on my mind, I don't think about numbers the way they test you. I know I am going to need some help with that but that's still a bit off. Right now I am back into the Chemistry. I am so thankful that M is taking that class with me. My TA is a nightmare, I can simply not follow this guy he makes everything so confusing and unnecessarily complicated. Why is he a TA for chemistry if his undergrad is in electrical engineering and his masters work is in biology? M could be a better TA for this class and he hasn't had any hard science since high school!
I can't believe it is October already. I turn 32 in a few weeks. Not sure what the twin sis and I will be up to that day, it's a Monday but I am hoping we will be going to a Patriots game. September flew by, seems like just yesterday I was writing down what I ate for the month. That was August, but good for me, so I'll be doing that again this month.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I wonder if we will see more people traveling for gastric surgeries-- Mexico, Thailand etc. With financing no longer a sure bet and the price of everything going up I fear that more people will add to the risk they are already taking by constricting or rearranging their innards and compound it by being operated on in a country with less standards than our own simply to save a few bucks. Life is so much more valuable than the 5K+ people would save. Some insurance policies are stricter than others though and with the cost of everything going up everyone is going to be re-evaluating. I know how the pharma industry feels about them approving this surgery not only for weight loss, but also curing diabetes, and who knows what else. Vanity maybe?
Second, with the sky falling, will more people resort to at home cooking and taking your own lunch? Preparing your own meal is almost always better for you and always cheaper than eating on the fly. I saw an add yesterday on CNN or MSNBC (the only things I am watching lately) yesterday for Boar's Head luncheon meats. They are attempting to capitalize on this very thing.
It's on my mind again, I see the knee guy Friday and if he wants to hold off on the TKR, well, then I can think of others things I might like to have operated on. Sometimes I think that maintenance would be so much easier without this constant reminder of excess skin.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I blogress, so Sunday we went to the flea market. It was fun, but I hurt. I only saw about a third of the vendors and spent most of the time soaking up the sunshine. I hate feeling so limited. I am not sure how it has come to this, but it has. There was a great article on Boston.com today about bum knees. Tom Brady will keep this in the local media for a while. I have a triple whammy of arthritis causes.
Cartilage degrades over the years in the presence of arthritis. Sometimes, arthritis is triggered by genetics. Sometimes, by obesity. And, sometimes, it's the legacy of an injury sustained decades earlier, on the high-school football field or the college basketball court.
I made an appointment to speak with the joint replacement surgeon. I'll be very interested to see what he has to say, that appointment is a week from this coming Friday. Someone once told me I have the knee of a 65 year old. I'd believe it based on how difficult it was to get around this weekend. Even a my heaviest I could still walk, not far, but I could walk. Right now I feel hobbled.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I've been spending this week getting ready for a yard sale this weekend. We will be selling wardrobes of clothing in sizes from 28-8. It is time to get rid of the stuff none of us wear. If you are in the Boston area on Saturday, stop on by-- we have all sorts of stuff besides clothing.
Monday, September 15, 2008
That's all a memory now and lucky for me the ring is about as regular as you can get. No more second guessing my irritableness. Makes it easier to identify and move on. Which I am trying my best today. My patience is pretty thin because I am in so much pain. I see my PCP on Friday now. We will be chatting about my knee. I am over the orthopedics guy for the moment. My knee s a big ball of raw pain. Oh, and stiff. I hate the stiffness.
I went for a ride this morning. I was hoping to hit the bike trail but ended up ferrying a forgotten witness binder DT instead. Worked out some of the kinks, physically anyways.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
So here I am watching CNN and becoming increasingly annoyed at Ms. Palin and I find myself snacking on yet more carbs, popcorn and fruit. I feel lame buying the baged frozen stuff, but mangos, pineapple and berries are my friends and better for me than ice cream for sure.
Huh, it turns out that I wasn't as carbriffic as I thought today. I was a little over on the recommended percentages, but not by much. Typical Percentages: Fat 20-35%, Carbohydrates 45-65%, Protein 10-35%, and Saturated Fats less than 9%
So before I went on vacation I got myself a cortisone shot in the knee. It was an odd experience. Three times the needle went in and three time the doc couldn't push the drug through the syringe and into the joint. It creeped way out but I tried to ignore it. He moved to the right hand side and it went in effortlessly. I was thinking scar tissue or something was in the way-- a big pocket of fluid never occurred to me. But as the time has gone on since then I have been watching that area slowly deflate/sink in. I was out riding my bike yesterday and trying to process all the weirdness and here is what I think happened. When the doc poked me, he punctured the big balloon of fluid that was sitting on my knee. Three times was enough to cause a leak down through the leg muscle and then on to being absorbed into by system. That would explain the CRAZY night sweats I had on vacation (I don't feel infected but am hoping to get some blood drawn just to make sure my WBC isn't sky high) and the new indentation that is prominently visible.
Sadly, along with this change in shape has come some ridiculous pain. The fluid must have been pretty well encapsulated by something and whatever that something was is now catching in the joint. We were racing through the Salt Lake City airport on the way out to Denver and I almost fell over the first time it tweaked. It was literally a stop you in your tracks kind of pain. It mellowed as the week went on and now I am really trying to work on wearing whatever that is down. I was simply expecting the cortisone shot to reduce the inflammation, I was not expecting to puncture a balloon of fluid. But to be honest, I am glad that happened. The shape of my knee, well, looks more like a knee should now. You can see my knee cap clearly defined and it seems to be sitting in a better spot because the fluid isn't pushing it into an unnatural position. But I do feel like once again I am wearing out a new groove.
Someday I will bonic and this will all be but a happy memory.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
We had McDonalds a few times on vacation. I prefer Subway but sometimes you have to take what you can get. I had stopped eating there for the longest time after I saw Fast Food Nation. But.... well, I do enjoy their ice cream cones. I know they are mostly chemicals, but they are still yummy and a quick treat if you can catch them on the right day. Currently you can get a cone for 50 cents. Bargain. I can remember when I was in Russia one summer and the were 2 rubles. I have no idea what they are now. In my before and afters you can see a picture of me at the Golden Arches in Yaroslavl'. I ate there a lot when I was over seas.
These days I occasionally order a hamburger or a small fry. I also enjoy one of their salads, the better choices are clearly helping their bottom line. I haven't order an extra value meal since they stopped super sizing them. M loves the nuggets. I'll snag one if they are hot but as soon as they cool down. Nasty. All things in moderation. Well, except the mondo Diet Coke (44 ounces maybe?) I got for 89 cents at the one in Louisville, CO off of McCaslin. They are pimping RedBox, (DVD rentals in McDonalds?!?!?) not sure if they are doing this on the east coast or not but the soda came with a little coupon on the cup for a free rental so I peeled it off and gave it to the guy standing in front of the box.
Monday, September 8, 2008
I read somewhere recently that a good indication of your hydration is a non fluctuating scale. Makes sense-- people speak of water weight all the time. I wish I had known that in college, would have saved me a shattered scale.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Everything bagel with LTO and cucumbers with lite veggie cream cheese
at Einsteins Bros. Bagels
Flight from Denver to Cincinati
Chocolate Coffee LaraBar
At Cincinati Airport
6 inch Ham on Wheat from Subway
Half an order of pretzel sticks from Pretzel Time
Jr. Size froyo twist with chocolate sprinkles from I Can't Believe
A few fries from McDonalds
Half a bran muffin from Starbucks with a venti iced coffee
And more diet coke than any human should consume.
Back to the better eating tomorrow. I'll be needing fiber-y goodness
Time to get on the plane after my six hour culinary tour of terminals
A B and C here in Cincinati.
Friday, September 5, 2008
I'll be ready to get back to my life and a regular pattern of eating. Last year on vacation I lost weight, but I was working at it, this year, I just let it go. Not to say I ate everything in sight, I managed to practice good portion control (except for a bread off the buffet at the Old Faithful Inn at breakfast-- I had 5 pieces the last morning but to be fair it was about 1x3 inches and sliced thin.)
We walked a lot (and I had a small moment about my hiking pants, but that is another post) however my knee has been acting up. Not sure if the cortisone shot was the way to go. We hiked about 15 miles in total. I love seeing the geysers you have to work for. I imagine in the winter we will trek back out to Lonestar... on cross country skis. Fun stuff. Anyways, the knee, something VERY crunchy in there that kept stopping me mid stride. I tried to hike through the pain and was moderately successful at it but I have no idea what is wrong in there. Hopefully it will wear itself out. I just have to keep going-- the trekking poles helped a ton, very much like a cane.
So that's that. I am looking forward to fall and getting back into a routine. I am also looking forward to stepping on the scale, even if I see a number above 160 I'll be okay with that. We were watching CNN today and a Fit Nation segment came on... A man lost 190 pounds by diet and exercise. The first hundo came off by walking and he said he would never go back. I hear that. Even with all the indulgences this week I am confident that this is me for good.
One last thought... I managed to catch some RNC and was glued to the DNC last week. Where was the talk about Health care? And specifically obesity? Hucklebee (whom I had issues with but think he gets the weightloss thing) was the only one giving a voice to the obesity epidemic. If you want to call it that... There is no arguing with the fact that Americans are larger than they used to be but whether it is an epidemic, I can't say. I have been keeping up with my Google alerts via my iPhone and everyday I am seeing more and more from the Brits and the Aussies about this problem and specifically what their governments are trying to do about it. Again, that is another post, I am not sure that they are going about it the right way, but at least they are doing something. I have seen nothing from either candidate about the state of health care and how we are killing ourselves with food. Something to look into when I get home and am not limited to the constraints of blogging off my phone.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Moral Fiber Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
Turkey Wrap with American Cheese and LTO
We made them again because there was leftover salsa, but no lettuce. But I weighed out my chips, cheese and meat and it was yummy. But my eyes were bigger than my tummy and I didn't eat it all.
Ice cream cone from McDonadls
Mostly raisins, almonds and pumpkin seeds.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
1.5 Berry Mango Moral Fiber Muffins
That is a total of 15 grams of fiber and 330 calories.
Lemongrass Chicken Frozen Meal from Kashi
We bought a bag of "good for you snacks." About time they made snack sack versions of these, but I would rather just pretzels and Baked Lays. I really should be eating Kettle Chips, just potato and oil, but lately I have been craving Baked Ruffles. Those came in this package along with Baked Cheetos. Here's hoping the husband eats those. I have never liked them, not even the full fat version.
This is still TBD as the dough is still kneading in the machine. But I wanted to write this all down before I forget.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Raisin Bran with 1%
Low-fat vanilla yogurt with raspberries
Brown Rice Sushi with Vegetables
See the His and Hers post.
2 Squares of that Dark Chocolate I love.
1/2 Berry Mango Moral Fiber Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
I said, "Sure, you got wheat?"
And they did, and it was all just what I wanted.
A big part of my success I think is being firm about my food choices when it comes to M. I often modify recipes for me and my calorie needs. For a while it was hard on me, he was like, aren't you going to have any? No thanks, I can make something similar yet not so heavy. Salad doesn't appeal to him and I am okay with that. Marriage is about keeping us both happy. Food is such a personal thing, I feel lucky that I can share it with M and not have it be a big deal.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Strawberry Yogurt Granola Bar
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Cinnamon toast crunch
I try not to snack on cereal.... but it does happen, especially when we have this stuff around.
More cinnamon toast crunch
Homemade Baked Mac and Cheese
Freeze Dried Ice Cream Sandwich
I am ashamed to admit to the above.
Venti Iced Coffee
Zone Perfect Bar
Tositoes and Salsa
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Sushi Roll (Salmon, avocado, cucumber and shrimp I think)
Just after we had ordered take out I got a call. Twin sis is fine, but I went down to wait with her at ER. Very scary. Like Elaine I stopped. Bough a soda and chocolate. Which I snarfed while I cried on my way down. Then I felt even worse about it because when I got there poor Twin Sis was starving. Man I felt like a jerk.
Strawberry Yogurt Granola Bar
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Waist 28 inches
"Hips" 43.5 inches
Not even fair to call them hips, I mean they are under there somewhere, but a lot of that extra bulk is just skin. Based on my waist measurement I wear a solid medium (or even a small!). But when you have to factor in my hips then I move into XL territory for my favorite mall stores and just barely a large for the North Face. And you wonder why all I wear are skirts and dresses? The numbers don't lie.
Maybe it is time to reconsider my fear of the plastic surgeon.
157 this morning. Another day, another good weight day. I feel like this is being cancer free. Takes five years for a doctor to tell you that afterwards.... Losing weight is kind of like that. Not that I will ever be fat free, but when I hit the five year mark, then I'll have really accomplished something. I do feel like I have made the necessary changes to my life habits, but it's still a little daunting to continue to read in the media about how maintenance is nearly impossible. It's not impossible, and somedays it isn't even hard.
Today is going to be a great day.
Zone Perfect Double Dark Chocolate
I try very hard not to rely on fake food, but these are so yummy. I should go back to just the oatmeal but bfast has been on the run lately. These bars are surprisingly filling even though they don't have much fiber.
Another Zone Perfect bar
Cucumber Maki with Brown Rice
Toasted foccacia with melted mozzarella
Trader Joes Strawberry Smoothie
I don't normally drink calories (besides alcohol) but I was on my bike and hadn't eaten dinner yet. By time I was on my way back it was almost 7pm.
Slice of Upper Crust Pizza topped with bacon and artichoke
2 glasses of Red Wine
I went back out this evening to see some friends and cheer myself up. My knee (as the prior posts laments) is bumming me out. I am trying to keep my snack calories lower, but such is life. I rode pretty far earlier and more importantly the wine and pizza were tasty and appropriate to the company. I have a few extra calories here and there for things like this.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I know that so many of those surgeries were actually necessary, but I just wish I had been better to myself. I can't go back and change it and now I just have to live with it. And for some reason that is getting harder by the day. Tears are just wasted on this because I know there is more to come but tonight I just can't seem to get out of my own way.
Everything Bagel with LTO, Cucumbers, Sprouts and Carrots
LTO = Lettuce, Tomato, Onion
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Gazpacho with Avocado Salsa
Turkey Bacon Wrap
I took out most of the bacon. Too much fat on it. Ew, I hate chewing on that. I also tore off almost half the wrap. I never eat the whole thing when I get those kind of sandwiches. Gratuitous bread.
14 oz. Tripple
Beer that is 8.5% ABV
Molton Chocolate Cake
I split it with my friend. Perfect ending to a yummy lunch.
Greek Fage 2% with Berries and Pineapple
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
“Post-op, these people grieve for the loss of food,” Arioli says. “Food is their comfort. And if you don’t figure out how to find comfort in other ways, you’re going to go with what you know. These are some serious eaters.”
I briefly considered it. But man, I love food.
Now I do not mourn for food. I learned to live with it. And I get way more satisfaction from it now that I ever did scarfing thousands of calories a day back then. Being forced into moderation with all those side effects, how is that living? Dumping? NO real sweets or things with REAL sugar. We all need less chemicals as it is. How is this better?!?!? I would say I was not living at 345, but I think I would take that life over what some of these poor souls have had to deal with in the article. Gastric Bypass (or it's cousins) are so, American. Everything, all of it-- right now, it's so easy and don't worry about the consequences ... it won't matter when you are THIN! Ugh. I know those who have had this surgery say that it is not a quick fix, but why be FORCED into that lifestyle of deprivation when (imho) it has more risk than reward. I'd rather deal with the known (diabetes and all the obesity co-morbidities) than roll the dice with this shit that people are simply making a buck off of. /jadedness. /soapbox.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Foccacia with Fresh Mozzarella and Basil
We were at the movies. : ) I only had 2.
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Apple Lara Bar
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Exercise and surprisingly lots of it.
Too much Drink
Too much food.
It is all written down, I just need to put it on the internets. I found myself ridiculously busy at the end of the week and then without a connection down on the Cape. I'l post my daily foods in all of it's excess caloric glory when I get home this evening.
I'm back on track.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Chocolate Lara Bar
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Chicken Vindaloo Bowl from Trader Joes
Salmon with Teriyaki Glaze
Snap Peas, Edamame and Pineapple Veggie Stir Fry
Vegetable Egg Roll
Homemade Dinner Roll
This batch came out perfect! I did not know that salt is death to yeast. No wonder nothing I was making was rising. Duh. Seems so obvious now, but I ruined a batch of rolls and 2 loaves of bread before I figured that out.
3 sqs. of Dark Chocolate
Raspberry Oat Bran Muffin
Monday, August 11, 2008
Steel Cut Oats with Banana and Peach
Baby Spinach and Beets
Thai Beef Salad
I rode my bike to Whole Foods between the rain drops today. My car is being loaned out so when I discovered I didn't have enough whole wheat flour I had to go out for it. I had lunch from their salad bar. I like that they list all the ingredients, helps to make an informed decision. Too bad there is no nutritional information.
Kiwi, Raspberry and Orange Fruit Salad
Stuffed Pepper: Made with Hamburger, Brown Rice, Onion, Garlic, Worcestershire Sauce and Oregano
I had to try it, but this batch, something went wrong and they deflated. Alas, still tasty, but not roll like. So now I am making whole wheat bread instead. More versatile anyways, but M asked for rolls and so I tried. Better luck next time.
Mini Moo Fudge Pop
2 sqs. Dark Chocolate
More Garlic Pretzels
Me, twin sis and Mom are a great example of that. We have our ups and downs, but from our personal highs we are down over 330 pounds between the three of us. (That is almost as much as I used to weigh!) Both Mom and twin sis are keeping off 80+ and 60+ pounds respectively and both are still on their way down. Mom is such an inspiration to me. At her age (which is not that old at all to me anymore) I can't imagine how hard it is to retrain the body. But she is doing it, and her heading back to the gym this week was a big reason why I signed back up. You just have to keep trying and keep doing.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
So today I made friends with the Smith again and did some squats, I also worked my hip flexors, hamstrings and calves. I spent some time focused on balance as well. I made sure not to over do it. We'll see if I am sore in the morning. Ideally I would like to be lifting every day-- legs, then arms and chest. We'll see.
At the end of 6 weeks I'll reevaluate and see if I want to sign back up for another year. I used my membership for about 6 months of the last 12. I hate paying for things I am not using.
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
These come from Trader Joes. I could portion out my own, but well, I'm lazy. I eat one piece at a time. Makes it last longer and then I don't hoover the whole package in less than a minute. I eat most things one at a a time. Chips, pretzels whathaveyou.
Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Spice Coffee with Milk
Nature Valley Vanilla Nut Granola Bar
Six Inch Ham on Wheat with LTO, Peppers, and Cucumbers
4 Corn Tortillas with 3 oz. Taco Seasoned Steak Red and Green Peppers and Onions, Sour Cream and Salsa
Garlic Flavored Pretzels
All snacks or whatever are one serving in case anyone is curious. I like to portion things out first. Then I don't lose track and can eat slowly and enjoy whatever it is.
Cucumbers, Carrots and Tomatoes with 8 Shrimps tossed with a Ginger Sesame Dressing
I had just gotten home from the gym, had the pretzels in the car on the way home and was still ravenous. Protein and veggies, can't beat that for a snack.
Mini Moo Fudge Pop
And my tummy still rumbles.
20 mins on Precor
20 mins of stretching
30 mins of lifting-- today was legs.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Footlong Ham on Wheat with LTO, Cucumber and Peppers from Subway
Hot dog on bun
Marshmellows and 1chcolate covered gram cookie
YaY! For mobile blogging. I'
So the camping was fun. We need a stove though. We kind of knew that heading out there. My Girl Scout tinfoil meals aren't what they used to be. I'm sure M will research us something appropriate.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I'm going to need patience. I can tell. Yeah, chocolate will help.
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Mini Vanilla Scone
BLT on Toasted MultiGrain with Avocado
Pint of CBC Amber
The rest of someone else's Stella
Lobster Ravioli with Vodka Sauce
Vanilla Ice Cream
I stopped in to see the Harvard Summer Chemistry Talent Show and it was topped off by them making ice cream with liquid nitrogen. It was good, but to me it had too much salt. I know sweetness can be cloying without salt, but this was a little too much. That was fine, kept me from having more than a few bites.
Wheat Bread with Blackberry Jam
Thursday, August 7, 2008
2% Greek Fage Yogurt with Pineapple and Berry Medley
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Brown Rice Avocado Sushi Roll
When I have the ingredients I like to make it myself. I suck at rolling the sushi but am getting better. Practice makes perfect.
Nature Valley Granola Bar
Salmon stuffed with homemade bread crumbs, shrimp, parsley and butter
Pomegranate Sorbet with Berries
Hrm. Snacky kind of day. Notice the trail mix and the granola bar. I also didn't eat meals at regular times which threw me off. But all in all a pretty good day. The weather is keeping me from exercise. I hate the clouds and the rain. Time to get back to the gym. Maybe if I keep saying that I will one of these days.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Toast with Blackberry Jam
The nutritional information for this loaf is listed below. I love the recipe builder at MFD. When the recipe is done I weigh the total and then base servings on the number ounces. Makes it easier to convert. This loaf was 13 ounces so the information listed below is for one ounce of the bread.
Black Beans and Rice
I had lunch at Casa de Pedro with a friend today. I really like this place and even midday you see the chef/owner. Very nice guy and the food is always great. I had the Pollo de la selva. I asked for the sauce on the side and then forgot about it so I never had any of that, but as always the rest was delicious.
Half a Grilled Cheese with Bacon on my Bread
I need to learn how to make soup. Well, I know how, but I have never made tomato soup. It was cold and rainy here today-- 65 is too cold for August so this dinner was perfect. Also grilled cheese and tomato soup is one my favorite high school food memories. It was what they had in the dinning halls when we returned from a break.
This is where I am comfortable. Thinking back on my summer I can see where I was getting complacent and lazy. A donut here, a tiny scone there. Another handful of nuts or an extra granola bar. It adds up. Even though I was exercising I was overcompensating for those calories. That's what maintenance is about-- the reality check every once in a while. Not to say that three months from now I won't be lazy again and motivated by clothes that are getting to tight, but for the moment.
Afterthought. When I am not eating as well I don't think my body processes food as efficiently. I have been surprised to see the scale drop so quick in the past two weeks, but I think a lot of it is water retention, poo (ew. but true) and just general backedupness. I am not sure if there is any truth in that, but something I have noticed.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I have been tasked with picking out hikes. I feel like there is so much I still want to see there. We have 5 full days in the park, plus an evening and a morning. Two hikes are for sure. The Lonestar Geyser (I want to check it out before I attempt to cross country ski it in the winter) and then out to Shoshone Lake. Others are TBD but I would prefer distance over elevation. There will be nothing like Washburn this year. Maybe the HooDoos. I love saying that word. There will be the requisite evening stroll out to the geyser basin and hopefully we will have time to get to the Old Faithful overlook.
I can't wait. I'm so thankful that this is my life now.
Berry Raspberry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Home made Margarita pizza
I still have leftover whole wheat dough from the weekend and needed to use it. I didn't have fresh basil but thawed some chopped cubes.
Swordfish with a from scratch Citrus Soy Marinade
Stir fry veggies: Carrots, Mushrooms, Snap Peas and Pineapple
Cucumber w/ Salt
I was cleaning out the fridge.
I have almost finished that bar. 400 calories in the whole thing and you seriously wouldn't know it is sugar free. It's good for the sweet tooth when I am stressed, but eat too much and no one wants to be near me.
M likes it b/c it has no added sodium, I like it b/c there is no oil added. I add my own salt but never any butter. I ate the whole bag. A very filling 220 calories.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Made with: cantaloupe, a pear, a peach and a nectarine
Bowl of Soy and Flax clusters from Trader Joes with 2% milk
First one I have had in months!!! It has protien which is pretty filling and this stuff will go stale if I don't start eating it.
Bowl of berries with a banana
Sushi: Brown Rice Veggie Combo from Stop and Shop
M won't be home until later and I may wait for him to have dinner.
2 glasses of champagne and more dark chocolate
Tilapia and spinach with lemon steamed in the microwave.
Due to a txt at 7:30 I ended up going out with the girls for the evening. I came home starving though so had to eat something. Why not fish and spinach? Better for me than chips and probably about the same calories. I love those bags they make an instant meal in 2 minutes.
1/2 serving of Lightly salted Kettle Chips
4 blocks of Low Effective Carb & Sugar Dark Chocolate
This stuff is yummy but you can't have too much. Makes my tummy rumbly. Must be the sugar alcohols.
Munchin Mix: sprouted adzuki beans, lentils and peas.
When I stray I need to go back to the basics. Writing it down. So helpful as I have said before... I don't do it all the time but when I need to refocus it is very helpful and allows me to track my snacky tendencies. I was too often making the choice to have the snack as opposed to not. I figure if I share for the month that will also help keep me honest. I'm not tracking calories just what I put in my mouth.
Nature Valley Granola Bar
Eggs with dill, parmesan and spinach
Apple Chicken Sausage
Breakfast again, we came home and napped after welcoming home my Mom from the airport.
Home made whole wheat pizza topped with mozzarella, spinach, garlic, green and red peppers, mushrooms and onions
My last Smooze :-(
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Steel Cut Oatmeal with Banana and Raspberries
Homemade Pizza topped with Spinach, Mushrooms, Basil, Garlic, Fennel, Mozzarella and Sauce
Whole Wheat Angel Hair with Scallops, Shallots, Garlic, Parsley and Broccoli
Nectarine, Apple and Banana
These are the yummiest frozen 50 calories. Made from coconut milk and a fruit juice (plus sugar and a stabilizer) you can find them at Whole Foods.
Tuesday... Hmmm, can't remember, something though. Wednesday I blogged about and then was in Freeport again yesterday. I got home from Thursday's adventure and M had the cutest grin. He finally had an August vacation moment. We will be heading back to Yellowstone for the third time. We will be camping for half of the time and tickets were a very reasonable $200 to Denver. M is addicted to Kayak. More charts and graphs for airline prices than you can shake a stick at. The drive up will be nice and I get to hang in my college town for an evening. I may try and check in with my advisor at CU while out there to make sure all my ducks are in a row. I can't believe I am finally going to have my undergrad degree. I blogress. (Thanks to Apple for the new word!)
I bought a tent, two sleeping bags and an air mattress yesterday, we will be doing a dry run hopefully next weekend before we head west. We need site gear, lantern etc. but haven't made any of those purchases yet. My number one thing we can't forget is a wisk broom.
Back to Thursday. We walked. Alot I drove twin sis to Newport to pick up her Vespa. Actually we were hedging our bets on that-- it had been an epic 45 day wait and we were literally stalking the Vespa guy. We took off from teh city at noon, originally hoping to be back in Foxboro for Patriots practice but apparently it takes two hours to put a Vespa engine back in place. So we walked the Cliff Walk. We did not finish but saw the end. It wasn't even that hot but the humidity was something else.
So sweaty. The Cliff walk says it is 3.5 miles but it really is closer to 4. We probably did 3.5 so 7 total. That's nothing on my bike but in the humidity and on foot-- I was shaking by time we got to the end. I was overheating and feeling way dehydrated. Goosebumps are a bad sign. However I didn't collapse and we made it back. Twin sis marches at a pretty swift pace these days. Beating feet is what her man calls it. I call it too fast.
I could use some more rest, maybe a nap this afternoon. I have to return our house guest first though. Mom is back tomorrow and I want her cat to be waiting for her when she gets home. It will be an early morning, she comes in on the red eye from SF. I can't wait. Getting my mom back will be a good way to start another week.
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Raspberry Peach Parfait from Starbucks
Chocolate Caramel Crunch Kashi Bar
Full Moon Combo Sushi Pack from Shaws
2 12 oz. Dogs Head IPA
3 Sam Lights
Homemade Beef Stir Fry
Made with: Beef, Broccoli, Carrots, Garlic, Mrs Dash Spicy Teriyaki Marinade, Olive Oil, and Spices
Friday, August 1, 2008
Am I a freak? I know my set point was NOT 240 as I had once believed. Mind over matter.
How can I ever hope to help others when all the science out there says that fat people are meant to stay fat.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
But then I came across a whoopie pie at the mini mart where we gassed up before getting on the highway. Made by some local bakery it looked very tasty and since I have been craving whoopie pies lately I bought it. It was very tasty. But it was HUGE. Before I even got in the car I took it out of the wrapper peeled off the top and tossed it into the trash. M didn't bat an eye. Gosh I love him. I had about half of what was left, licked some of the frosting off the rest before tossing it out the window on the highway on ramp. Sweet tooth satisfied. I know it bugs twin sis when I toss food like that, but really, I don't want all of it. My mouth was happily coated in fat and the sweetness was almost too much. I would happily pay more for a smaller portion.
Such a wonderful day off. I am afraid I ruined it when we got home. I had a weepy moment about my shape. We started shopping for our winter trip to Yellowstone where I will need pants. Athletic gear is not designed for people with my shape. In happy news though I snagged a fabulous Smart Wool sweater for cheap. They also make leggings. I own several long wool skirts-- not for skiing of course, but I bet I could make that work for tours that don't involve prolonged periods of being outdoors.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I am not like everyone else. I know this, but whenever these studies come out they make me nervous.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Back in Boulder I lived close enough to the grocery store so I could walk, now I can ride. It's just a little to far to walk there and back in a timely fashion. Today I circled a local pond on the way to get in a few more miles before stopping for pizza makings for M and cat food. I'll be seeing another show with twin sis tonight so he is on his own. Last night he just forgot to eat. I could tell when I got home that he had made it only as far as the ice cream and cookies. Not great nutrition, but better him than me. This is why I have no problems picking stuff up for him from the store if means he'll eat a little better.
Some may know that I have a love hate relationship with the grocery store-- I am loving it again lately. If I can't carry it back I don't need it. Also, it helps me to be comfortable with food. I often look at the pastries (especially at Whole Foods) but rarely buy them. Maybe if they had calorie counts I would be more tempted to actually make the purchase. Today I circled by the cupcakes with flower frosting and drooled. I bought shrimps instead for my salad.
One of these days.... Hmmm frosting. I wonder if anyone around here is doing shots? I'd ride 10 miles for one.
I should not have to apologize for my girlieness.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Riding in the city can pose some challenges, but I do enjoy it. Since we have moved we are now on the backside of the hill that kept me from riding as much as I would have liked. But now, departing and returning to the house is relatively flat.
So... the challenges. Last week I headed out to the Minute Man bike path. Now that I known how to get there on bike lanes (Thank you Peoples Republic of Cambridge) I ride it at least once a week. Roundtrip is almost 30 miles. It takes you through Arlington, Lexington and then on to Bedford. So the last time I was on it just after I had crossed through Arlington center I saw about a hundred yards ahead some kid back his bicycle into a pedestrian. I had assumed he just didn't see her. Wrong. This kid was the biggest shit I have ever run across. I watched as he continued to buzz pedestrians and then swerve in front of those who were trying to get past him. He had a buddy with him who watched but didn't partake. Clearly this kid was going to do the same thing when I tried to pass him so I held back, and of course they slowed down. Getting nervous I was just like, okay, step on it. And of course he swerved in front of me. I am totally motivated by a fear of falling. My knee can't take it. I swerved to the other side and so did he and that was when I just unloaded on this kid. Screaming as loud as I could with more swears than I have used in a really really long time I let this kid have it. His buddy stopped in his tracks and I think I actually saw fear in this kids eyes. I was so mad. I kinda felt bad for calling him a useless piece of shit but he deserved it. Who lets their kids act like this. After the 30 second tirade of F bombs and the like, I peddled off and that was it. I was going to ride the bike path today but got a bit too much sun at the beach yesterday so instead I headed to the Charles River. It's a shorter ride by almost 10 miles.
I come through Harvard Sq and hop on the bike path at the corner of Memorial Drive and JFK Street. Today as I was coming down JFK I watched some guy bang a Uie (Boston term) and move into the right hand lane. You are not supposed to ride on the sidewalks in Cambridge so I was on the road. The first car turned right on red and the guy who had made the U turn started moving forward and edging right. Which is when my handlebars nicked his sideview mirror. I'm not sure if he saw me or not but he was kind enough to get out and ask if I was okay. More or less. When I went down it was, of course on my bum knee. Since my kneecap is so far out of whack it doesn't do much protecting. I rode on even after that incident but am now starting to regret it. My knee is a big ball of fluid. Something jabbed me just above my latest incision line and now I ache. Oof. I also scrapped up my wrist pretty bad, but all in all it could have been much worse. Imagine if he had turned into me. I should have realized he was going to turn right after he banged the U turn on one of the busiest streets in Cambridge, but there was no blinker. As I am fond of saying... I don't care where you are going, I just want to know when.
One of these days I should renew my gym membership. There is only so much lifting to be done at home. I'll cardio on my bike though as long as the weather holds out, I don't get run over or assaulted on the bike path.
PS. Edited to add-- I can only imagine if I had still been fat what that little shit would have said. I shudder to think.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
In other news I am back on the wagon. Seems that my weight was creeping up, even with all the exercise and it being that time of month, anything over 160 (163 on Tuesday) is cause for me to buckle down. Not cause for alarm, but I get uncomfortable in my clothes if gets any higher than that. My jeans stopped fitting well and considering I just passed off my 12s (which I wore forever even when they were too big b/c they weren't that big) to twin sis I need to make sure I am paying attention. Besides eating like crap backs me up. I made a special trip for fiber today...
So twin sis came for dinner last night, we sat at the table and had steak and potato salad. Made me miss Mom even more, but it was nice to spend time with my sister. She made the comment today that the house seems to be pretty "bad snack" free. Ummm, she didn't look in M's baking closet-- marshmallows, chocolate covered graham cookies. Then in the freezer ice cream sandwiches, coconut pops and fudge brownie ice cream. It is all calling my name. I bet even my mom could hear it in Vanuatu.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
And then it was Monday.
I saw the Doctor yesterday. I wish I weren't so damn bitter. Two years ago I was getting in shape, working out my knee in anticipation of my third ACL replacement. I was fit and excited to get back some stability and buy myself some more time before a TKR. We all know how that ended. Three surgeries later I was told the bone graft is healing well and that it's probably time to refer me to the joint guy. Sigh. So much to consider and I need more information. I left the office in tears as usual but tried to perk up.
I don't know what insurance companies or surgeons consider a good quality of life. But supposedly when your starts to suffer you can get a new knee. Exercise doesn't seem to have that much of an impact. And by that I mean it doesn't make it any less or more painful. If anything it helps keep the crap from building up in there. Crap could be anything, fluid, bone, cartilage etc. The doctor said that just because I could ride 20 miles a day doesn't mean I should be. That annoyed me. I want to be able to do these things. At 31 I should be able to do these things and more. I am pretty damn fit for someone whose lost 185 pounds. But that weight doesn't stay off by itself. I need to be active and I wonder-- how long can I keep up living my life, the way I want to, before my leg just craps out. Am I supposed to live my thirties in constant pain when there are things out there that could help me now.
When I had my last ACL surgery one of the motivating reasons was the surgeon told me that I would lose my mobility by time I was 40 if I didn't do something about the instability. So I did and no I am even worse off. I suppose it's another post but I must figure out a way to forgive that guy for f*cking up my knee the way he did. Not everyone is the perfection that was Dr. Doneldson. I miss that guy. He never blew me off, never ignored my tears about pain and always made me feel like I wasn't crazy when it came to my knee. My Doctor now is a product of the health care system.... and I think he feels bad he sent me to that butcher. I can't wait to see who he refers me to next. Maybe the right surgeon is out there. But in the meantime I do need to just get over it. The pity party needs to end. Besides I've eaten all the party snacks.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Promising. A guy in Bio class last semester was a sales rep for Zimmer. Neat neat stuff.
WALL-E's 'fattist' satire angers fat pride groups - Telegraph
"Fat people here are constantly told that we are failures: as people, as parents, as role models."
Ms Parker's argument is that overweight people are less likely to become morbidly obese, if they are allowed to feel comfortable about their bodies. She believes derogatory language and stereotypes about fat people as greedy will only make them eat more.
"On TV shows such as You Are What You Eat and The Biggest Loser, we are made out to be disgusting and less than human - called cows and whales.
It's hardly going to make me go and eat carrots and run around the garden.
"I would rather have cancer or diabetes than serious depression about how I look."
So full disclosure here... I still am not a huge fan of the way I look. I have more or less come to peace with it, but occasionally it still depresses me that I am carrying around all this extra skin. Does it make me want to eat more? Hell no. I would rather be saggy and squishy than all stretched out, full up of fat that makes life hard to live. Also, this really only applies when my clothes are off-- I can easily cover up my flaws and so I get dressed up everyday for a reason-- it makes me feel good about myself. Being healthy makes me feel good about myself. No one can tell me how to feel. Only I am in control of my emotions and my responses to the world around me.
So here's my issue with Ms. Parker. Comparing depression over ones appearance to cancer/diabetes is like comparing apples and cupcakes. Depression (in most cases) is NOT going to kill you. It's mental/chemical. Type II Diabetes and cancer can and probably will kill you. These are physical aliments brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle. One of my biggest motivating factors in wanting to lose weight was watching my Gram suffer through the last years of her life. Diabetes is an ugly ugly disease and a horrible way to die. It robbed her of her sight, her mobility and eventually her life. A week later my uncle died of Pancreatic cancer. Again a horrible way to go. Having those diseases would depress the f*ck out of me. Cancer is a hard one because lately it seems so indiscriminate in who and when it attacks, but living a healthier lifestyle will decrease your chances and taking weight off will certainly lower your risk for diabetes.
Maybe Ms. Parker has never known anyone who has suffered from diabetes or cancer? Such a flippent comment... Ugh. I don't think she understands what she is saying.