Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My New Favorite iPhone App

Lose It

I tried the mobile MFD and it was hard to use, unwieldy and too many steps. This is perfect. I can instantly add a new food and only have to enter the calories if I want. It was free when I added it but they will be charging soon, if they aren't already.

I've been back on the straight and narrow since Monday. I was on the verge of stuffing myself until the New Year, but no need for that, I don't need to add more pounds to the ten I have put on. Scale said 164.4 this morning.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The new year

2007 kicked my ass. All that loss... Gram, Uncle Steve, my acl, my car accident, my job and the miscarriage. I thought 2008 would be a great year. And it was, I got a lot accomplished, finished college (that 1 credit was killing me) and embarked on a new path. School is going well but I still struggled this year. And I can sum it up in a word.

Pain.

I'm now 2 years into not having an ACL again and have about 8 more to go before we strip me of my knee joint and replace it with mechanical parts. I can't wait. The simple act of sitting on the sofa produces pain when I get up. Recently my knee has started doing that creepy thing where it squishes and then hurts so bad I can't move. But if I give it a few moments, I'm okay and can move, allbeit slowly, but I can move again. Happened when I was finishing my Christmas shopping... My knee can't even sustain shopping. :c(

When I came off the Zoloft I was all worried about being sad. I don't think that is my problem anymore... I'm not a huge fan of the Prozac and have honestly not been taking it. It is supposed to help with anxiety but I felt like it gave me an edge. As soon as some family pointed it out I was like, yeah, not for me.

So what it for me? Well, I did what my doctor asked, I went to see the joint replacement guy and he told me what he thought. We tried the shots... and I was unimpressed with those. What I need is to be properly medicated. My anxiety stems from my knee and the pain. Why don't we just treat the pain? I have an easier time thinking through the haze of a pain killer than I do through the flatline of life the is the psych drugs. I fail to understand why the medical community is so quick to provide the head drugs but not the pain drugs. I think if I was going to develop a problem with painkillers I'd be there by now.

So that brings me to 2009. I put on 8 pounds this year (165 this morning) and most of that since August. :-( I know, I know, in the great scheme of things, nbd. But is is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL to me. My normal has changed and I feel just awful at this size. I notice the gain in my knees and the way that I stand. I would be immobile by now if I was still 345. But I'm not and I know what I need to do to get back into living life. The pain sucked a lot of life from me this year and I don't want the next 8 to be the same. I would hate to waste my 30's to pain the way my 20's were lost to being too fat to live life.

I see a physical therapist on the 31st. I'm so far out of shape at this point I think I might hurt myself if I don't get some strength back. Wether I can get myself to a point where I can comfortably work out remains to be seen. But this is my hope for 2009. I want to be active again.

Friday, December 26, 2008

So, ah, I'm ill again.

I swear the twin sis got the immune system.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Keeping the _____________ at Bay.

Monster? maybe? is that the right word. Great post by PQ earlier this week. Sometimes maintenance feels like nothing more than a never ending battle with the "need" to eat. Winning that battle more often that not is what keeps the weight off. I saw 158 for a day and am now at 162 again. I'm not winning that battle right now. I had a brownie for lunch yesterday and Indian and chocolate. Today, I am locked up in the library where they don't allow food. Last thing I need is to show up to an exam in a carb coma. I'll going looking for some protein (and a diet coke) just before the exam.

And then after-- Drinks. Tomorrow is a new day.

Exam Stress

Third hourly exam in chemistry tonight. Ack! I feel like I know this stuff better than some of the other stuff. Still has me mindlessly munching though.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Live and Learn

Dear Dad,
It must have been the Facebook tag with my last name on it... Such is life. If you read all my posts, you know how I feel about surgery. However, I do hope you saw the one where I said I wish it was different. I'll never forgive her for pushing you towards that, we only get one body, one go around. I still love you and hope you are doing ok.
S

Friday, December 12, 2008

December Eleventh

Breakfast
Fiber One Bar
Large Iced Vanilla Coffee from DD
French Cruller (that didn't get eaten until 3pm)

Snack
Pretzel Thins

Lunch
1/2 WW Pita with Chicken Breast, Mayo, Mustard and Lettuce
Fruit Cup
M brings these home form the office for me, mostly cantaloupe and honeydew, the occasional strawberry and pineapple too.
10 Hershey Kisses w/Almonds

Dinner
Chicken and Veggie Soup
Apple
Pineapple chunks

Snack during Lecture
Venti Iced Coffee w/milk
Fiber One Bar
A small handful of M's peanuts
1 Swedish Fish

Not the greatest day nutritionally, but it's that TOM and I was a little stressed this morning. Took the twin sis to a appt.--normally she is the one who comes with me.... Worrying is hard work. Mmmm, chocolate, more almonds than chocolate, or so I tell myself, but still what I needed on this dreary rainy somewhat stressful day.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

This does not surprise me

The LA Times often has great coverage of weight issues-- maybe because this is the land of the thin and the beautiful. One of their blogs, Booster Shots is something I read every day. Yesterday they talked about an article that will be coming out in the International Journal of Obesity comparing the outcomes of weightloss from diet and exercise vs surgery. What researchers found was that that the amount of weight loss was similar but that the surgery peeps had more fat in their diet, ate more fast food, worked out less and had higher levels of depression.

Oprah Does Not Get It

:c( back in 1999 when I hit my highest I came across Oprah's book with Bob Green. It came with a diary and I used that to log my food when I first started losing. I still have it.

O has been in the news again for reaching 200 pounds. Self admited. I wish that with everything she has that she could get a hold on food. I wish that I cold bottle up what it is that I have found and give it to her and say here! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

December Ninth

Breakfast
Tall Latte
Banana and Oatbran Kind Bar
Kashi Crunch Bar

Lunch
Edamame
1/2 Bagel with Salmon and Cream Cheese
Cinnamon Sugar Pita Chips

Dinner
Veggie Sushi
Pretzel Thins

Snack
Grapefruit

Monday, December 8, 2008

December 8th

What I ate today:

Breakfast
1.5 oz. of Maple and Brown Sugar Life
1/2 c. 1% milk

Snack
Venti Iced Coffee
Kashi Truly Vanilla Oatmeal

Lunch
Ham and Cheddar Sandwich on Multigrain with Honey Mustard, Lettuce and Tomato
Jasmine Tea with Honey
1 c. Chicken and Rice Soup (really just carrots and broth)

Dinner
Veggie Sushi with Brown Rice
16 oz. Banana Mango Smoothie

Late Night Snack
1 c. Frozen Veggies

How to lose 7 pounds in 2 days

Feel better. I was carting around so much fluid. The number on the scale was hard on my psyche. And even though I knew it wasn't real weight it was still hard to see a number closer to 170 than 160.

My tummy still needs TLC so small bites are still the order of biz. It's really made me conscious of how I was wolfing down my food again.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Living with Food

I think my freezer is a good example of that. Things you can see in here.

Sarah Lee Chocolate Cream Pie
M bought it for me thinking it would make me feel better while ill. It's tasty but everything is still in small bites. I have had an 1/8th of it so far.
Culinary Circle Chocolate Molten Cake
These have 730 calories a piece, two per box. M and I split one the other night and didn't finish it. Again, something he bought to make me feel better. I can't tell him no, I just need to live with it.
Mrs. Smith Pimpkin Pie
I'm not sure this will ever get eaten, it was on sale. Again an M purchase.
Puff Pastry
Philo Dough
I use both of these for my pot pie. Depending on how I am feeling, they bring a different a taste to the crust. I also use them to wrap up fish with spinach and pesto and bake. Yum.
Chopped Frozen Cilantro
I use this all the time when M makes nachos or tacos. I make a veggie topping with peppers and black beans, garlic, lemon juice and a cube of this. Adds flavor.
Edamame
Both shelled and unshelled. The unshelled I steam, lightly salt and eat as a snack. The shelled I add to salads or to some steamed dumplings that you can also see in there and then quickly stir fry with other veggies to make a quick hot meal.
Frozen Veggies
Most have the same nutrition as fresh and they come is handy little steam bags, all sorts of flavors etc. Useful for adding to the frozen fresh pasta I also have in there.
Chicken Pieces
This is also for my pot pie or for fajitas. I'll roast it and then shred it myself. Little extra work but worth the flavor.
Cat Nip
If this stuff is not kept in the freezer I have a kitty who will seek and destroy.
And Ice
I can never have enough ice.

So that's my freezer-- a mix of me and M. There are things in there I could inhale but don't. Learning to live with this stuff has been a key to my success. I know many people say to remove all temptation and sometimes I feel like M is sabotaging me, but this is life. And I need to live it, even with chocolate cream pie in the freezer.

The Great Closet Purge

Tomorrow my twin sister is coming over to help me go through my closet. We have done this before, but it's time again. Now it's winter and I still have things I will no longer wear or have moth holes. It is hard to give up the cashmere so maybe I'll make some kitty pillows out of them.

Twin sis is about my weight now but the inch I have on her makes clothes fit differently. It's been a blast sharing with her. I barely got out of my own way this week, but did manage to swing by her house with a jacket for her to wear to a party Wednesday evening. Her Facebook status the next day. "... is glad I don't have to explain to my sister how I misplaced her favorite vintage blazer." Yeah, that's one of those things I have that is a wear once and return. It's a gorgeous cotton velvet in a deep cranberry from Filene's.

So hopefully she'll help me get rid of stuff to make my closet more manageable. There are things I have in our size now that she had purchased in a larger size that I can pass her way. There are also some thing I purchased not for me, but in the hopes that someday she would be able to wear them. We are there. One of those items was a vintage green leather trench. Something about it never was right for me but looks fabulous on her.

Silly that this makes me happy as a grown adult but we haven't shared clothes since high school. Life is good.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Spillage

When I was heavier I often drove home from Colorado to Massachusetts. The idea of cramming myself onto a plane was something I couldn't stomach. Pun intended. I have been following the ruling in Canada that will give obese passengers an extra seat for free. I applaud them for this. But the backlash and the fear it could happened here is already apparent (via my google alerts) and I think that is a shame. I understand that airline travel sucks as it is, but to further harass fat people about seats on planes. Please... we aren't talking about this on busses or trains are we? Yeah, didn't think so.

It's me!

Feeling better?

Sort of. Still have a temp, but not as high, I'll take 100 over 103 any day. Oddly, my scale is way up. I feel like I am holding on to fluid yet nothing is coming out. :c( Been eating really really tiny bites of not much of anything in hopes that I can keep food down. I just threw up some toast. So.... maybe tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

In other news.

I am still ill. I am hoping and praying they culture out E coli. Never though I would say that but the alternatives are ridiculously scary to me.

Ricki Lake Gets It

There is an article with Ricki Lake in the latest People. Again, another woman who I think has it figured out. She says she can't believe she used to be a fat person. I'm right there with you sweetie. All it takes is hard work and respect for yourself. Yeah, it's that simple to say and yes I know, the practice is not that easy. But it does work. I think there comes a point where you figure out that eating well and treating yourself right is the way it is supposed to be. That ah-ha moment is key. Some people never get there. :c( Those who don't either gain it all back or resort to drastic measures.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Huffington Post

So I am not a huge fan of Arianna. She filled in for Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and man was she a snooz. But she runs a good website (if you can get past the fact that Mike Doughty is a contributor) and there are some good reads over there. My favorite is this woman, Irene Rubaum-Keller. She, like me has been there. Her posts are filled with sensible info and the fact that she has kept off 50 pounds for 18 years tells me that she gets it.

Suffering

From a massive kidney infection. I've had a bunch of blog posts saved up but never get around to them. Maybe tonight.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Four Years!

One more and I do I get to say I am Fat Free?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Cape

We are back on the Cape. M came down before me this weekend. I know he can fend for himself, and was very interested to see him response to what was still down here. Gram died a year and a half ago and she loved to eat. Well, not in her final days, but she loved to have a full pantry. She was on food assistance and held onto everything. Going through her cabenits was something mom has had a hard time with. I get it, I cried this morning over cans of coffee! M on the other hand is well suited to this b/c there is not as much emotional attachment. So now that the two year past it's expiration date juicy juice is gone along with the peeled white potatoes and who knows what else we can clean the cubbards and start from scratch. I even emptied the jars on the counter, I can't imagine how old some of that pasta was. I also cleaned out thecleaning supplies and the food storage stuffs. Next time will be the cooking utensils. So many random pots pans and more small kitchen appliances that you could shake a stick at.

When M came down early he stopped at the store. Atleast now I have him trained to only buy certain types of candy. He was all oooh it's half off. He showed restraint, and bought Kit Kats and Three Musketeers. Thank god he has gotten over the peanut butter cups and Butterfingers! Alas he also bought two things of froyo, Half Baked and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. :(. Can't win them all.

I'm off to the store for morecleaning supplies, to return some cans, hit up coinstar and thengofor a walk. Lyn reminded me the other day that I am making excuses. That's not who I want to be and not who I am. I know some of this is drug transition related, but that's another post.

Monday, October 27, 2008

This is ridiculous!

No more bake sales?

What ever happened to free will? I think we should be encouraging healthier options or smaller portions. I understand that if you take away bake sales ppl will find other ways to fundraise, but still, this is so lame!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

With a flick of the wrist

I am a label reader. Even if I know how many calories are in something I will still check out the nutritional label, things change, get reformulated, serving sizes are modified, etc. I am catching up on my google alerts and last week there was some big news apparently-- starting next year some food will start carrying a new label with info on the front of the box. Dreamed up by the ADA I wonder how useful this will be and how many products we will see this on. Hopefully a lot. When was the last time you saw someone in the grocery store reading the nutritional labels? I know I do it all the time but I can't remember the last time I saw someone else (besides M who is only looking at the sodium content) do it. Knowledge is power.

What a month!

October has been historically a very busy and sometimes stressful month for my husband and I. Lots to do and always some sort of medical issue. This month was no different. M's ear has been on the fritz and I spent some time in the hospital. Nothing too serious but it did answer some questions for me. I don't think that my knee is causing my night sweats. So that was reassuring. My WBC was more or less normal, but my ecinophils were up. Being an asthmatic that did not surprise me. I am starting to think that maybe they are hormonal. How we would regulate that so I don't wake up in a puddle of my own sweat, I have no idea, but I do see my PCP this week to follow up on that.

The knee. I was laying there last night trying to decide if the shots of synthetic joint fluid had worked or not. They made me feel like crap for the day after they were injected but then that went away and I was left searching for any sign of pain relief. I am still stiff (more so than I have been recently) and I still hurt. Alas, not sure if they did me any good but it was worth the shot.

But despite all this I still managed to enjoy October. I saw a Patriots game on my birthday we tailgated and had cake and then later on in the week I had more cake. I saw Madonna from right next to the stage and my new favorite band, Pictures and Sound. I kept up with friends and even manged to get myself across down with a ridiculously heavy bag when my car was towed out of my sisters new neighborhood. I am trying hard not to let the knee effect my quality of life but it is hard. I have no idea how I will keep this up for 10 years or so. The new OS said that if it hadn't been for the infections that he would give me a new knee asap. That was very hard to hear.

We have been spending weekends on the Cape in my grandmothers old place. Something about coming down here is good for M' ear. Sadly there is a lack of internets but there is a TV, the beach for walking and the flea market and generally a wonderful place to simply relax. I'm writing this on my iphone. Impressed?

My weight is on the high end of my comfortability range, 159-160. My plan to write it all down this month flew out the window the first weekend we came down here with no internets. I hate having to pay such close attention to it sometimes, but if I don't well, all of you who have lost weight only to regain know why I do. I asked my PCP if my eating was disordered the last time I saw her, she said what's makes you say that. Ummm, the media saying that those who keep it off are basically freaks on par with the anorexics of the world. (And no, I am not saying that anorexics are freaks, I can not imagine that struggle with food, but what I am saying is that we all have control issues, and I bristle at the MSM saying that those of us who have worked hard and figured it out are still sick.) Anyways, she said not to worry out of all of her paitents I had the best outlook and view on food that she had seen in a long time.

Tomorrow I have my first of two ServSafe classes. My intership is sponsering me for these and it is another notch in the applying to grad school belt. I got a letter from CU this month too approving my transfer credits so now I actually get to graduate officialy from college in December. I'm pricing tickets to see if I could attend that cheaply. SO crazy how long ago it was that I left Boulder and yet it feels like yesterday sometimes. So much has changed, not only my weight but my life. It all happend in the blink of an eye it seems. That's a good reason to keep on keeping on.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Saturday, October 4, 2008

October Fourth

Breakfast
Venti Iced Coffee
Apple Bran Muffin

Snack
Popcorn
Granola Bar
Dark Chocolate Squares

Dinner
Bread with Almond butter and banana
Orange beets and apple sautéed in garlic butter

And lots of sleep.

Friday, October 3, 2008

October Third

Breakfast
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk

Lunch
Nectarine
Almond, Dried Cranberries and Banana Chips
An ounce of each at 180, 110 and 160 calories.

Dinner
Wheat Roll with humus

Snack
Banana

And I think that is all I will probably eat today. I have slept away my day after the appointment with the new knee doctor today.

We are going to try the knee lubrication shots. It is a series of three. Kind of stings right now where he injected me but it should be better tomorrow. I brought M with me for support and so that he could hear it for himself. The guy did not mince words. I have a problem, he said. But honestly, as I expected, he is more concerned about my history of infection rather then replacing the knee. I get the feeling he wants to wait years and years. So I cross my fingers and hope these shots work b/c I am in pain. If they do work they would be administered twice a year until they no longer work for me. Honestly they don't know much about them and how they work. Reassuring.

The only other thing he suggested was a brace or a neoprene sleeve. I explained about my weightloss. He was impressed and asked a bunch of questions about it. He even asked M if he knew me when I was heavier. She was on her way down he replied. So back to the brace, they are hard for me to wear because of the extra skin on my thighs. A sleeve would simply cut me off and then roll. Not a pretty sight.

So what next? More waiting.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

October Second

Breakfast
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk

Lunch
2 wheat rolls from yesterday with humus
apple
chocolate sandwich cookies
These are made by Late July a Massachusetts company. I had the dark chocolate ones and for 200 calories they are the most satisfying sandwich cookies I have ever had. And I love me some sandwich cookies. M knows that Oreos are just not allowed in our house.

Dinner
Mango Chicken Salad from Qudoba,
But with no cheese or sour cream. I had black beans instead which they charged me for even though I didn't have cheese. :c( We stopped after class and brought our food home, M likes their steak tacos better than Chipotle. Anyways, the salad comes in one of those fried tortilla type bowls. I pitched that and had the salad on my own plate. Very very tasty.

Dessert
Berries with chocolate sorbet

Snack
Peanut Butter Cookie Lara Bar
This is my new favorite bar, Peanuts, dates and salt. That's it, and it taste like a peanut butter cookie. I was just at their website which is annoying with flash, but I see that they have a cinnamon roll flavor and a ginger snap. I need to find those.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

October First

Breakfast
Berry OatBran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with milk

Lunch
Salad: Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onion and Peppers
I had lunch with my mom today at her work and she shared her salad and apple with me. Much better than yesterday when I could hear the nurses talking about me like I wasn't even there. After they all left, one stayed and she asked a barrage of questions. My answers were so vague that she finally had to come out and ask if I was H's daughter. When your mom is the boss, you don't really want the whole world to know.
Half an apple
Tomato and cheese soup
They make soup for the employees every Wednesday. Home made soup is the best, but I prefer the broth based ones. This stuff was so creamy I'm sure it was more cheese than tomato.
Pretzel Twists

Dinner
Plain yogurt sweetened with agave syrup poured over berries and a pear
M ate at the office tonight, actually he brought home a pork chop covered with onions and a side of broccoli from the office. He ate the meat left the veggies. Sigh.

Late Night Snack
2 homemade wheat rolls with butter

Sometimes you just need to eat something, especially when doing chemistry homework for hours. Besides they smelled so good as they were baking. Really I was making them for sammiches, but I couldn't resist when they came out all warm.


Snack
Brown rice cucumber sushi snack pack.

Where have I been?

So all of a sudden life has gotten even busier. Did I say that in a previous post? I feel like I did. I blogress.

I started my internship this week. My wonderful mother is the Administrator of a pediatric nursing home. I need 200 hours of food related work experience. Most of her kids are on feeding tubes but some do eat by mouth. She also has me doing some special projects, like determining the cost per resident of formula and the additives. It's the vitamins and minerals that they have to add for some of these kids which is big $$$. I spent yesterday with their Dietician, working out what some of these kids need is one big math problem. Some kids only get a few hundred calories a day... I know that sounds low, but if you suffer from hypothermia, don't move and don't breath on your own you don't need much energy. They are a non for profit so no pay, but her organization is going to pay for my ServSafe class. That's later this month. I have so much to study for.

The GRE is on my mind, I don't think about numbers the way they test you. I know I am going to need some help with that but that's still a bit off. Right now I am back into the Chemistry. I am so thankful that M is taking that class with me. My TA is a nightmare, I can simply not follow this guy he makes everything so confusing and unnecessarily complicated. Why is he a TA for chemistry if his undergrad is in electrical engineering and his masters work is in biology? M could be a better TA for this class and he hasn't had any hard science since high school!

I can't believe it is October already. I turn 32 in a few weeks. Not sure what the twin sis and I will be up to that day, it's a Monday but I am hoping we will be going to a Patriots game. September flew by, seems like just yesterday I was writing down what I ate for the month. That was August, but good for me, so I'll be doing that again this month.

Monday, September 29, 2008

More Credit Crunch

Pardon my musings, but I often like to look at current events through the lens of weightloss.

I wonder if we will see more people traveling for gastric surgeries-- Mexico, Thailand etc. With financing no longer a sure bet and the price of everything going up I fear that more people will add to the risk they are already taking by constricting or rearranging their innards and compound it by being operated on in a country with less standards than our own simply to save a few bucks. Life is so much more valuable than the 5K+ people would save. Some insurance policies are stricter than others though and with the cost of everything going up everyone is going to be re-evaluating. I know how the pharma industry feels about them approving this surgery not only for weight loss, but also curing diabetes, and who knows what else. Vanity maybe?

Second, with the sky falling, will more people resort to at home cooking and taking your own lunch? Preparing your own meal is almost always better for you and always cheaper than eating on the fly. I saw an add yesterday on CNN or MSNBC (the only things I am watching lately) yesterday for Boar's Head luncheon meats. They are attempting to capitalize on this very thing.

So I suppose

I won't be financing plastic surgery. Time to start saving pennies.

It's on my mind again, I see the knee guy Friday and if he wants to hold off on the TKR, well, then I can think of others things I might like to have operated on. Sometimes I think that maintenance would be so much easier without this constant reminder of excess skin.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm old

Well, I feel old after the weekend and I know it has to do with my knee. We set up for the yard sale on Saturday and there was a lot of box lifting. Somehow I managed to squish my engagement ring so that the diamond wedged itself into my skin. I didn't feel it when it happened, I can only imagine how it would have felt if I had had the ring on. This engagement ring, while I love the heart shaped diamond flanked by two pink sapphires has been kind of a pain in the ass. The prongs like to move and now that the whole setting has been bent I am thinking about maybe a new ring, but with the same stones will see.

I blogress, so Sunday we went to the flea market. It was fun, but I hurt. I only saw about a third of the vendors and spent most of the time soaking up the sunshine. I hate feeling so limited. I am not sure how it has come to this, but it has. There was a great article on Boston.com today about bum knees. Tom Brady will keep this in the local media for a while. I have a triple whammy of arthritis causes.
Cartilage degrades over the years in the presence of arthritis. Sometimes, arthritis is triggered by genetics. Sometimes, by obesity. And, sometimes, it's the legacy of an injury sustained decades earlier, on the high-school football field or the college basketball court.

I made an appointment to speak with the joint replacement surgeon. I'll be very interested to see what he has to say, that appointment is a week from this coming Friday. Someone once told me I have the knee of a 65 year old. I'd believe it based on how difficult it was to get around this weekend. Even a my heaviest I could still walk, not far, but I could walk. Right now I feel hobbled.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

My new lab partner

So my husband has decided to take the Chemistry class. YaY! He had talked about it in the past as he would like some more science to help him better understand some science-y stuff in the patent work he does. Of course to get anywhere you must start with Chemistry. I am thrilled to have him in the class with me. I just hope that the firm doesn't get in the way.

I've been spending this week getting ready for a yard sale this weekend. We will be selling wardrobes of clothing in sizes from 28-8. It is time to get rid of the stuff none of us wear. If you are in the Boston area on Saturday, stop on by-- we have all sorts of stuff besides clothing.

Monday, September 15, 2008

TOM

I really like the birth control I am on-- it makes life predictable. When I was heavy it never occurred to me that I would need birth control, who would have sex with me. I also wasn't having my period regularly. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall 1997 and told to lose some weight. I didn't listen and things got worse before they got better. I think in 1999 I had my period twice. Seriously.

That's all a memory now and lucky for me the ring is about as regular as you can get. No more second guessing my irritableness. Makes it easier to identify and move on. Which I am trying my best today. My patience is pretty thin because I am in so much pain. I see my PCP on Friday now. We will be chatting about my knee. I am over the orthopedics guy for the moment. My knee s a big ball of raw pain. Oh, and stiff. I hate the stiffness.

I went for a ride this morning. I was hoping to hit the bike trail but ended up ferrying a forgotten witness binder DT instead. Worked out some of the kinks, physically anyways.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I'm fine

Just stressed about my knee. It hurts. Maybe it is the approaching
low?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It was a lotsa carbs kinda day or so I thought

Breakfast was a Flavor and Fiber Bar from Gnu Foods. It wasn't to bad, very chewy, but I have had worse recently. Like those dreadful softbaked bars from Kashi, the BlackBerry Graham were gross. Bland and not tasty at all. I digress. I needed a trip to Trader Joes which is where I found the Gnu Bar. I was still hungry though when I got home as it was only 140 calories so I had 2 mini whole wheat bagels with whipped cream cheese and some berries. Lunch was half a snack bag of baked lays that M didn't finish last night, a sesame chicken noodley type bowl from Trader Joe's and one of their fiber rich berry muffins. (It was a late lunch) Later I had a small bag of baked Doritos when I got back from my ride. Dinner was 6 small salmon avocado rolls from the take out place where M got pad thai and crab rangoons. I almost had one of those but then didn't. Dunno why, they are still sitting in the container on the coffee table staring at me and I am not tempted at all. Out of curiosity I Googled the calories in those. I would say they run about 80 per and have 4 grams of fat per average.

So here I am watching CNN and becoming increasingly annoyed at Ms. Palin and I find myself snacking on yet more carbs, popcorn and fruit. I feel lame buying the baged frozen stuff, but mangos, pineapple and berries are my friends and better for me than ice cream for sure.

Huh, it turns out that I wasn't as carbriffic as I thought today. I was a little over on the recommended percentages, but not by much. Typical Percentages: Fat 20-35%, Carbohydrates 45-65%, Protein 10-35%, and Saturated Fats less than 9%

See the dent?

Seven Years Ago

We all remember where we were. I was still in Colorado and on my way to the doctors to see an ortho doc who specializes in non-healing bones. The surgery I had this past March to fill in the hole in my tibia after the screws from the third ACL came out was similar to what I needed fixed back then. But in that case I had let the fluid build up way more and I was 100+ pounds heavier than I am now. He was adamant that surgery had to happen ASAP. The second tower fell as he was telling me that. As I left his office his staff was trying load the CNN website, but it kept crashing-- I only caught a glimpse of the burning Twin Towers. I got out into the waiting room and called home totally absorbed in my own woe. Took several tries but I finally got through to my distraught mother and then to my freaked out sister. (Twin sis has a lovely view of Logan from the 45th floor of a downtown Boston office building.) Surgery was scheduled for a week later I told my mom and I needed her to come out. If I have to drive she said, I'll be there. In the end she flew out, the day after Logan reopened. Amazing how far we have all come since then. Time heals but some moments are never to be forgotten.

Here is what I think happened

This may be TMI for people who are squeamish about needles and pain.

So before I went on vacation I got myself a cortisone shot in the knee. It was an odd experience. Three times the needle went in and three time the doc couldn't push the drug through the syringe and into the joint. It creeped way out but I tried to ignore it. He moved to the right hand side and it went in effortlessly. I was thinking scar tissue or something was in the way-- a big pocket of fluid never occurred to me. But as the time has gone on since then I have been watching that area slowly deflate/sink in. I was out riding my bike yesterday and trying to process all the weirdness and here is what I think happened. When the doc poked me, he punctured the big balloon of fluid that was sitting on my knee. Three times was enough to cause a leak down through the leg muscle and then on to being absorbed into by system. That would explain the CRAZY night sweats I had on vacation (I don't feel infected but am hoping to get some blood drawn just to make sure my WBC isn't sky high) and the new indentation that is prominently visible.

Sadly, along with this change in shape has come some ridiculous pain. The fluid must have been pretty well encapsulated by something and whatever that something was is now catching in the joint. We were racing through the Salt Lake City airport on the way out to Denver and I almost fell over the first time it tweaked. It was literally a stop you in your tracks kind of pain. It mellowed as the week went on and now I am really trying to work on wearing whatever that is down. I was simply expecting the cortisone shot to reduce the inflammation, I was not expecting to puncture a balloon of fluid. But to be honest, I am glad that happened. The shape of my knee, well, looks more like a knee should now. You can see my knee cap clearly defined and it seems to be sitting in a better spot because the fluid isn't pushing it into an unnatural position. But I do feel like once again I am wearing out a new groove.

Someday I will bonic and this will all be but a happy memory.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Same Store Sales Were Up, Way Up

And I helped.



We had McDonalds a few times on vacation. I prefer Subway but sometimes you have to take what you can get. I had stopped eating there for the longest time after I saw Fast Food Nation. But.... well, I do enjoy their ice cream cones. I know they are mostly chemicals, but they are still yummy and a quick treat if you can catch them on the right day. Currently you can get a cone for 50 cents. Bargain. I can remember when I was in Russia one summer and the were 2 rubles. I have no idea what they are now. In my before and afters you can see a picture of me at the Golden Arches in Yaroslavl'. I ate there a lot when I was over seas.

These days I occasionally order a hamburger or a small fry. I also enjoy one of their salads, the better choices are clearly helping their bottom line. I haven't order an extra value meal since they stopped super sizing them. M loves the nuggets. I'll snag one if they are hot but as soon as they cool down. Nasty. All things in moderation. Well, except the mondo Diet Coke (44 ounces maybe?) I got for 89 cents at the one in Louisville, CO off of McCaslin. They are pimping RedBox, (DVD rentals in McDonalds?!?!?) not sure if they are doing this on the east coast or not but the soda came with a little coupon on the cup for a free rental so I peeled it off and gave it to the guy standing in front of the box.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Pleasant Surprise

157 this morning. In the past I have had such a love hate relationship with the scale, but now I try to see it as simply a tool. Back in college I literally tossed a scale out the window of my dorm I was so aggravated by it. No one was below, it landed on the roof of the dinning hall. So what did I learn from this vacation? My choices were okay. Going a week without weighing was a little nerve racking and I didn't have my two favorite items of clothes with which to judge fit by, but I did all right. I don't know why I am so surprised by that.

I read somewhere recently that a good indication of your hydration is a non fluctuating scale. Makes sense-- people speak of water weight all the time. I wish I had known that in college, would have saved me a shattered scale.

This is such Bullshit!

Obesity Surgery Is Called Cost-Effective - WSJ.com

No! No! No!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Airport and what I ate while I waited

At DIA
Chocolate LaraBar
Everything bagel with LTO and cucumbers with lite veggie cream cheese
at Einsteins Bros. Bagels

Flight from Denver to Cincinati
Chocolate Coffee LaraBar

At Cincinati Airport
6 inch Ham on Wheat from Subway
Half an order of pretzel sticks from Pretzel Time
Jr. Size froyo twist with chocolate sprinkles from I Can't Believe
it's Yogurt
A few fries from McDonalds
Half a bran muffin from Starbucks with a venti iced coffee

And more diet coke than any human should consume.
Back to the better eating tomorrow. I'll be needing fiber-y goodness
for sure.

Time to get on the plane after my six hour culinary tour of terminals
A B and C here in Cincinati.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Regular Bogging to Resume Shortly

Vacation is almost over. :( I have been having a fabulous time but man it was cold camping up in Yellowstone. We actually bailed a day early and have been in Casper Wyoming. If you ever find yourself in this town you must eat at the 303. Best food I have had in a really long time. My salmon was perfect, M's Diablo steak was divine. The carrot cake cheesecake for dessert was a perfect combination of the two.

I'll be ready to get back to my life and a regular pattern of eating. Last year on vacation I lost weight, but I was working at it, this year, I just let it go. Not to say I ate everything in sight, I managed to practice good portion control (except for a bread off the buffet at the Old Faithful Inn at breakfast-- I had 5 pieces the last morning but to be fair it was about 1x3 inches and sliced thin.)

We walked a lot (and I had a small moment about my hiking pants, but that is another post) however my knee has been acting up. Not sure if the cortisone shot was the way to go. We hiked about 15 miles in total. I love seeing the geysers you have to work for. I imagine in the winter we will trek back out to Lonestar... on cross country skis. Fun stuff. Anyways, the knee, something VERY crunchy in there that kept stopping me mid stride. I tried to hike through the pain and was moderately successful at it but I have no idea what is wrong in there. Hopefully it will wear itself out. I just have to keep going-- the trekking poles helped a ton, very much like a cane.

So that's that. I am looking forward to fall and getting back into a routine. I am also looking forward to stepping on the scale, even if I see a number above 160 I'll be okay with that. We were watching CNN today and a Fit Nation segment came on... A man lost 190 pounds by diet and exercise. The first hundo came off by walking and he said he would never go back. I hear that. Even with all the indulgences this week I am confident that this is me for good.

One last thought... I managed to catch some RNC and was glued to the DNC last week. Where was the talk about Health care? And specifically obesity? Hucklebee (whom I had issues with but think he gets the weightloss thing) was the only one giving a voice to the obesity epidemic. If you want to call it that... There is no arguing with the fact that Americans are larger than they used to be but whether it is an epidemic, I can't say. I have been keeping up with my Google alerts via my iPhone and everyday I am seeing more and more from the Brits and the Aussies about this problem and specifically what their governments are trying to do about it. Again, that is another post, I am not sure that they are going about it the right way, but at least they are doing something. I have seen nothing from either candidate about the state of health care and how we are killing ourselves with food. Something to look into when I get home and am not limited to the constraints of blogging off my phone.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

August Twenty Sixth

Breakfast
Moral Fiber Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk

Lunch
Turkey Wrap with American Cheese and LTO
Peach
Apple

Dinner
Nachos
We made them again because there was leftover salsa, but no lettuce. But I weighed out my chips, cheese and meat and it was yummy. But my eyes were bigger than my tummy and I didn't eat it all.

Snack
Ice cream cone from McDonadls
Trail Mix
Mostly raisins, almonds and pumpkin seeds.
Baked Ruffles

Monday, August 25, 2008

August Twenty Fifth

Breakfast
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
1.5 Berry Mango Moral Fiber Muffins
That is a total of 15 grams of fiber and 330 calories.

Lunch
Lemongrass Chicken Frozen Meal from Kashi
Pineapple Tidbits
Baked Doritos
We bought a bag of "good for you snacks." About time they made snack sack versions of these, but I would rather just pretzels and Baked Lays. I really should be eating Kettle Chips, just potato and oil, but lately I have been craving Baked Ruffles. Those came in this package along with Baked Cheetos. Here's hoping the husband eats those. I have never liked them, not even the full fat version.

Dinner
Homemade Pizza
This is still TBD as the dough is still kneading in the machine. But I wanted to write this all down before I forget.

Snack
Peach

Sunday, August 24, 2008

August Twenty Fourth

Breakfast
Raisin Bran with 1%
Low-fat vanilla yogurt with raspberries

Lunch
Nectarine
Brown Rice Sushi with Vegetables

Dinner
Salad
See the His and Hers post.

Dessert
2 Squares of that Dark Chocolate I love.

Snacks
1/2 Berry Mango Moral Fiber Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk
Pretzels
Raspberries

You know you are on the right track when....

I keep meaning to mention this, for the FIRST.TIME.EVER. someone said to me, "You can't possibly be watching your weight." I was ordering a salad from Fresh City, they will make it for you so I asked for no cheese and then light on the dressing. I was very flattered but at the same time was like, umm, my food choices man. When he was done making the salad he said, "I probably shouldn't bother asking you if you want bread with that."

I said, "Sure, you got wheat?"

And they did, and it was all just what I wanted.

His and Hers

I made nachos for my man this evening. This involves some sort of salsa type thing (usually corn and black bean with garlic, jalapeno peppers, cilantro and onion) steak and Tostitos and lots and lots of cheese. He likes whole chips, so I usually end up with leftovers. Like last week, I ate the rest of the bag. Bad Sarah, but it happens. Hopefully these broken castoffs I can ignore until they go stale. I normally have a salad instead of the nachos. I use the corn and black bean mix, add cherry tomatoes, salsa (Newman's Own Medium Garden Style is my new favorite) and ounce of steak and an ounce of reduce fat cheddar and lots of lettuce. Still tasty and much better for me. Occasionally I fish out a few broken chips and crumble them over my salad like croutons, one does like a bit of crunch.

A big part of my success I think is being firm about my food choices when it comes to M. I often modify recipes for me and my calorie needs. For a while it was hard on me, he was like, aren't you going to have any? No thanks, I can make something similar yet not so heavy. Salad doesn't appeal to him and I am okay with that. Marriage is about keeping us both happy. Food is such a personal thing, I feel lucky that I can share it with M and not have it be a big deal.

Dinner time!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

August Twenty Third

Breakfast
Strawberry Yogurt Granola Bar
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Cinnamon toast crunch
I try not to snack on cereal.... but it does happen, especially when we have this stuff around.

Lunch
More cinnamon toast crunch
Peach

Dinner
Homemade Baked Mac and Cheese
Broccoli

Snack
Freeze Dried Ice Cream Sandwich
Pretzels
Baked Cheetoes
I am ashamed to admit to the above.

August Twenty First

Breakfast
Venti Iced Coffee
Zone Perfect Bar

Lunch
Fruit Salad
Tositoes and Salsa
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix

Dinner
Sushi Roll (Salmon, avocado, cucumber and shrimp I think)
Just after we had ordered take out I got a call. Twin sis is fine, but I went down to wait with her at ER. Very scary. Like Elaine I stopped. Bough a soda and chocolate. Which I snarfed while I cried on my way down. Then I felt even worse about it because when I got there poor Twin Sis was starving. Man I felt like a jerk.

Snack
Chocolate Bar
Strawberry Yogurt Granola Bar

August Twenty Second

Breakfast
Zone Perfect Bar
Venti Iced Coffee
Peach

Lunch
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Plum

Dinner
Handmade avocado sushi roll
2 crab rangoons
pad thai

Snack
Ice cream cone from McDonalds
Tostitoes

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Why I hate shopping for pants... By the Numbers

Below are the size charts for Banana Republic, J. Crew and The North Face.

My measurements:
Waist 28 inches
"Hips" 43.5 inches

Not even fair to call them hips, I mean they are under there somewhere, but a lot of that extra bulk is just skin. Based on my waist measurement I wear a solid medium (or even a small!). But when you have to factor in my hips then I move into XL territory for my favorite mall stores and just barely a large for the North Face. And you wonder why all I wear are skirts and dresses? The numbers don't lie.

Maybe it is time to reconsider my fear of the plastic surgeon.



Happiness Is

Weight Maintenance

157 this morning. Another day, another good weight day. I feel like this is being cancer free. Takes five years for a doctor to tell you that afterwards.... Losing weight is kind of like that. Not that I will ever be fat free, but when I hit the five year mark, then I'll have really accomplished something. I do feel like I have made the necessary changes to my life habits, but it's still a little daunting to continue to read in the media about how maintenance is nearly impossible. It's not impossible, and somedays it isn't even hard.

Today is going to be a great day.

August Twentieth

Breakfast
Zone Perfect Double Dark Chocolate
I try very hard not to rely on fake food, but these are so yummy. I should go back to just the oatmeal but bfast has been on the run lately. These bars are surprisingly filling even though they don't have much fiber.
Peach

Lunch
Another Zone Perfect bar
Another Peach
Cucumber Maki with Brown Rice
Apple Slices

Dinner
Toasted foccacia with melted mozzarella

Snack
Plum
Trader Joes Strawberry Smoothie
I don't normally drink calories (besides alcohol) but I was on my bike and hadn't eaten dinner yet. By time I was on my way back it was almost 7pm.
Slice of Upper Crust Pizza topped with bacon and artichoke
2 glasses of Red Wine
I went back out this evening to see some friends and cheer myself up. My knee (as the prior posts laments) is bumming me out. I am trying to keep my snack calories lower, but such is life. I rode pretty far earlier and more importantly the wine and pizza were tasty and appropriate to the company. I have a few extra calories here and there for things like this.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I hate my left leg

I hate that I allowed myself to get so heavy that I destroyed my chances of ever walking normally. And by that I mean without pain. And the pain, for the most part I can deal with. Somedays are better than others, but the weird nerve twinges. I can not tolerate this anymore. It is driving me crazy. I have the hardest time falling asleep because of it. I feel like the electric current that is supposed to run through my leg gets stopped behind my knee and it builds up and builds up until it just releases in this horrible twitch. And if that wasn't bad enough... now I have this odd feeling in my shin. Like there is a cat brushing up against my leg, but I look down and NOTHING is there. So fucked up. The nerves have been cut so many times, I can't get the sting out of the arthritis pain b/c I don't have much feeling in that spot so rubbing can only do so much. And the bone ache, both above and below the knee. Ugh.

I know that so many of those surgeries were actually necessary, but I just wish I had been better to myself. I can't go back and change it and now I just have to live with it. And for some reason that is getting harder by the day. Tears are just wasted on this because I know there is more to come but tonight I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

August Nineteenth

Breakfast
Everything Bagel with LTO, Cucumbers, Sprouts and Carrots
LTO = Lettuce, Tomato, Onion
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk

Lunch
Gazpacho with Avocado Salsa
Turkey Bacon Wrap
I took out most of the bacon. Too much fat on it. Ew, I hate chewing on that. I also tore off almost half the wrap. I never eat the whole thing when I get those kind of sandwiches. Gratuitous bread.
14 oz. Tripple
Beer that is 8.5% ABV
Molton Chocolate Cake
I split it with my friend. Perfect ending to a yummy lunch.


Dinner
Greek Fage 2% with Berries and Pineapple

Snack
Grapes
Popcorn

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I had Molton Chocolate Cake at Lunch

The miracle weight loss that isn’t - Diet and nutrition- msnbc.com

“Post-op, these people grieve for the loss of food,” Arioli says. “Food is their comfort. And if you don’t figure out how to find comfort in other ways, you’re going to go with what you know. These are some serious eaters.”


I briefly considered it. But man, I love food.

Now I do not mourn for food. I learned to live with it. And I get way more satisfaction from it now that I ever did scarfing thousands of calories a day back then. Being forced into moderation with all those side effects, how is that living? Dumping? NO real sweets or things with REAL sugar. We all need less chemicals as it is. How is this better?!?!? I would say I was not living at 345, but I think I would take that life over what some of these poor souls have had to deal with in the article. Gastric Bypass (or it's cousins) are so, American. Everything, all of it-- right now, it's so easy and don't worry about the consequences ... it won't matter when you are THIN! Ugh. I know those who have had this surgery say that it is not a quick fix, but why be FORCED into that lifestyle of deprivation when (imho) it has more risk than reward. I'd rather deal with the known (diabetes and all the obesity co-morbidities) than roll the dice with this shit that people are simply making a buck off of. /jadedness. /soapbox.

Monday, August 18, 2008

August Eighteenth

Breakfast
Plum
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk

Lunch
Peach
Foccacia with Fresh Mozzarella and Basil

Dinner
Almonds
Twizzlers
We were at the movies. : ) I only had 2.

Snacks
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
Grapes
Apple Lara Bar

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Good the Bad and The Ugly

The Good!
Exercise and surprisingly lots of it.
The Bad!
Too much Drink
The UGLY!
Too much food.

It is all written down, I just need to put it on the internets. I found myself ridiculously busy at the end of the week and then without a connection down on the Cape. I'l post my daily foods in all of it's excess caloric glory when I get home this evening.

Best news!
I'm back on track.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

August Twelfth

Breakfast
Chocolate Lara Bar
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk

Lunch
Chicken Vindaloo Bowl from Trader Joes
Garlic Pretzels

Dinner
Salmon with Teriyaki Glaze
Snap Peas, Edamame and Pineapple Veggie Stir Fry
Vegetable Egg Roll
Homemade Dinner Roll
This batch came out perfect! I did not know that salt is death to yeast. No wonder nothing I was making was rising. Duh. Seems so obvious now, but I ruined a batch of rolls and 2 loaves of bread before I figured that out.

Snacks
3 sqs. of Dark Chocolate
Raspberry Oat Bran Muffin

Monday, August 11, 2008

August Eleventh

Breakfast
Steel Cut Oats with Banana and Peach

Lunch
Baby Spinach and Beets
Thai Beef Salad
I rode my bike to Whole Foods between the rain drops today. My car is being loaned out so when I discovered I didn't have enough whole wheat flour I had to go out for it. I had lunch from their salad bar. I like that they list all the ingredients, helps to make an informed decision. Too bad there is no nutritional information.
Kiwi, Raspberry and Orange Fruit Salad
Garlic Pretzels

Dinner
Stuffed Pepper: Made with Hamburger, Brown Rice, Onion, Garlic, Worcestershire Sauce and Oregano
Wheat Roll
I had to try it, but this batch, something went wrong and they deflated. Alas, still tasty, but not roll like. So now I am making whole wheat bread instead. More versatile anyways, but M asked for rolls and so I tried. Better luck next time.

Dessert
Mini Moo Fudge Pop
2 sqs. Dark Chocolate

Snack
More Garlic Pretzels
Popcorn
Caramel Meringues

But Alternatively-- Weight Loss can also be contagious

DiscoveryChannel.ca - Obesity can be contagious: scientists

Me, twin sis and Mom are a great example of that. We have our ups and downs, but from our personal highs we are down over 330 pounds between the three of us. (That is almost as much as I used to weigh!) Both Mom and twin sis are keeping off 80+ and 60+ pounds respectively and both are still on their way down. Mom is such an inspiration to me. At her age (which is not that old at all to me anymore) I can't imagine how hard it is to retrain the body. But she is doing it, and her heading back to the gym this week was a big reason why I signed back up. You just have to keep trying and keep doing.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympic Crack

So.much.to.watch!

Also, NBC is pimping their fall line up.
More Crack.

Six Weeks for 59$

I feel so out of shape. Yeah, it's all relative. I might be able to ride my bike miles and miles but my strength is not what it could/should be. I had let my gym membership lapse after my last surgery in March. I also didn't do any real PT-- thinking that we were not reinventing the wheel. That was a bad move-- one that haunts me from my past, but with school and all, I just didn't feel like I could get it in. I stopped going to the gym and while was keeping my weight more or less under control I wasn't doing my knee any favors. I was also concerned about over working it after the bone graft. Last year I wondered if my training kept the hole from properly healing, who knows. But that nagged at me and I didn't keep up with the strength training the way I should.

So today I made friends with the Smith again and did some squats, I also worked my hip flexors, hamstrings and calves. I spent some time focused on balance as well. I made sure not to over do it. We'll see if I am sore in the morning. Ideally I would like to be lifting every day-- legs, then arms and chest. We'll see.

At the end of 6 weeks I'll reevaluate and see if I want to sign back up for another year. I used my membership for about 6 months of the last 12. I hate paying for things I am not using.

August Tenth

Breakfast
2 Peaches
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix
These come from Trader Joes. I could portion out my own, but well, I'm lazy. I eat one piece at a time. Makes it last longer and then I don't hoover the whole package in less than a minute. I eat most things one at a a time. Chips, pretzels whathaveyou.
Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Spice Coffee with Milk
Nature Valley Vanilla Nut Granola Bar

Lunch
Six Inch Ham on Wheat with LTO, Peppers, and Cucumbers

Dinner
4 Corn Tortillas with 3 oz. Taco Seasoned Steak Red and Green Peppers and Onions, Sour Cream and Salsa

Snack
Banana
Garlic Flavored Pretzels
All snacks or whatever are one serving in case anyone is curious. I like to portion things out first. Then I don't lose track and can eat slowly and enjoy whatever it is.
Cucumbers, Carrots and Tomatoes with 8 Shrimps tossed with a Ginger Sesame Dressing
I had just gotten home from the gym, had the pretzels in the car on the way home and was still ravenous. Protein and veggies, can't beat that for a snack.
Munchin Mix

Dessert
Mini Moo Fudge Pop
And my tummy still rumbles.

Work Out
20 mins on Precor
20 mins of stretching
30 mins of lifting-- today was legs.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

August Ninth

Breakfast
Berry Oat Bran Muffin
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix

Lunch
Footlong Ham on Wheat with LTO, Cucumber and Peppers from Subway

Dinner
Hot dog on bun
Corn
Tostitoes

Dessert
Marshmellows and 1chcolate covered gram cookie

Snacks
Peach
Plums

YaY! For mobile blogging. I'
So the camping was fun. We need a stove though. We kind of knew that heading out there. My Girl Scout tinfoil meals aren't what they used to be. I'm sure M will research us something appropriate.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Another Weekend

We are testing out our gear this weekend. I am going to bring steel cut oats for Sunday mornings breakfast and corn from our box this week for dinner along with marshmallows for dessert. Other than that I think we will pick up some hot dogs and maybe some more chocolate and grahams.

I'm going to need patience. I can tell. Yeah, chocolate will help.

August Eighth

Breakfast
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Mini Vanilla Scone

Lunch
BLT on Toasted MultiGrain with Avocado
Pint of CBC Amber
The rest of someone else's Stella

Dinner
Lobster Ravioli with Vodka Sauce
Corn

Snack
Vanilla Ice Cream
I stopped in to see the Harvard Summer Chemistry Talent Show and it was topped off by them making ice cream with liquid nitrogen. It was good, but to me it had too much salt. I know sweetness can be cloying without salt, but this was a little too much. That was fine, kept me from having more than a few bites.
Wheat Bread with Blackberry Jam

Thursday, August 7, 2008

August Seventh

Breakfast
2% Greek Fage Yogurt with Pineapple and Berry Medley
Handful of Go Raw Trail Mix

Lunch
Brown Rice Avocado Sushi Roll
When I have the ingredients I like to make it myself. I suck at rolling the sushi but am getting better. Practice makes perfect.
Nature Valley Granola Bar

Dinner
Salmon stuffed with homemade bread crumbs, shrimp, parsley and butter
Salad
Sweet Corn

Dessert
Pomegranate Sorbet with Berries

Snacks
Nectarine
Banana

Hrm. Snacky kind of day. Notice the trail mix and the granola bar. I also didn't eat meals at regular times which threw me off. But all in all a pretty good day. The weather is keeping me from exercise. I hate the clouds and the rain. Time to get back to the gym. Maybe if I keep saying that I will one of these days.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

August Sixth

Breakfast
Toast with Blackberry Jam
The nutritional information for this loaf is listed below. I love the recipe builder at MFD. When the recipe is done I weigh the total and then base servings on the number ounces. Makes it easier to convert. This loaf was 13 ounces so the information listed below is for one ounce of the bread.

Lunch
Chicken Breast
Black Beans and Rice
Yuca
I had lunch at Casa de Pedro with a friend today. I really like this place and even midday you see the chef/owner. Very nice guy and the food is always great. I had the Pollo de la selva. I asked for the sauce on the side and then forgot about it so I never had any of that, but as always the rest was delicious.

Dinner
Half a Grilled Cheese with Bacon on my Bread
Tomato Soup
I need to learn how to make soup. Well, I know how, but I have never made tomato soup. It was cold and rainy here today-- 65 is too cold for August so this dinner was perfect. Also grilled cheese and tomato soup is one my favorite high school food memories. It was what they had in the dinning halls when we returned from a break.

Snack
Apple
Popcorn

Others

I've added a link to a PDF of just my posts from my time over at MFD from my own thread. I cut out everyone else b/c I don't know if they would be cool with sharing. I'm also looking around on our shared drive for my first The Weight It Is. I was blogging over at Friendster! Do they even still exist? Anyways, when I locate it I will PDF and put that up as well. That blog was more focused on still losing weight. I was just getting down to goal (whatever that is) at that time so its focus is more weight loss, not maintenance. But maybe interesting to someone. Blogging can be such an interesting walk down memory lane.

A number I haven't seen since May

155.2

This is where I am comfortable. Thinking back on my summer I can see where I was getting complacent and lazy. A donut here, a tiny scone there. Another handful of nuts or an extra granola bar. It adds up. Even though I was exercising I was overcompensating for those calories. That's what maintenance is about-- the reality check every once in a while. Not to say that three months from now I won't be lazy again and motivated by clothes that are getting to tight, but for the moment.

:c)

Afterthought. When I am not eating as well I don't think my body processes food as efficiently. I have been surprised to see the scale drop so quick in the past two weeks, but I think a lot of it is water retention, poo (ew. but true) and just general backedupness. I am not sure if there is any truth in that, but something I have noticed.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Compared to last week

Not much doin'. Planning vacation activities. I still can't believe it all came together. This will make the third time in four years that we have been to Yellowstone over Labor Day weekend. This year we will be camping for most of it with a break in the middle at The Old Faithful Inn. The Inn is more a night than our 5 nights of camping. The gear will pay for itself on this trip alone and I am actually excited about the idea of sleeping in the great outdoors. We both camped as kids, I think his trips were way more spartan than ours. Ah the cook box. I have been wary of camping, my Dad always made such a production out of it and I can remember trips where all it did was rain on PEI. However we have been to YNP several times so I know what to expect weather wise. Anything from 40-90F. Huge range but we can layer. M was talking in the car this morning about the clothes he wants to bring. Past vacations have involved a suitcase full of clothes that never get worn but with baggage policies the way they are now... I do hope to cut down on the excess. My dream would be to get it in two bags. One for gear and one for clothes. Delta is not charging for the first bag, but will ding you 50$ for the second.



I have been tasked with picking out hikes. I feel like there is so much I still want to see there. We have 5 full days in the park, plus an evening and a morning. Two hikes are for sure. The Lonestar Geyser (I want to check it out before I attempt to cross country ski it in the winter) and then out to Shoshone Lake. Others are TBD but I would prefer distance over elevation. There will be nothing like Washburn this year. Maybe the HooDoos. I love saying that word. There will be the requisite evening stroll out to the geyser basin and hopefully we will have time to get to the Old Faithful overlook.



I can't wait. I'm so thankful that this is my life now.

August Fifth

Breakfast
Berry Raspberry Oat Bran Muffin
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk

Lunch
Home made Margarita pizza
I still have leftover whole wheat dough from the weekend and needed to use it. I didn't have fresh basil but thawed some chopped cubes.

Dinner
Swordfish with a from scratch Citrus Soy Marinade
Stir fry veggies: Carrots, Mushrooms, Snap Peas and Pineapple
Brown Rice

Snacks
Cucumber w/ Salt
I was cleaning out the fridge.
Dark Chocolate
I have almost finished that bar. 400 calories in the whole thing and you seriously wouldn't know it is sugar free. It's good for the sweet tooth when I am stressed, but eat too much and no one wants to be near me.
Microwave Popcorn
M likes it b/c it has no added sodium, I like it b/c there is no oil added. I add my own salt but never any butter. I ate the whole bag. A very filling 220 calories.
Pear

Monday, August 4, 2008

August Fourth

Breakfast
Fruit salad
Made with: cantaloupe, a pear, a peach and a nectarine
Bowl of Soy and Flax clusters from Trader Joes with 2% milk
First one I have had in months!!! It has protien which is pretty filling and this stuff will go stale if I don't start eating it.

Lunch
Bowl of berries with a banana
Sushi: Brown Rice Veggie Combo from Stop and Shop

Dinner
TBD Looking for swordfish and fennel recipes
M won't be home until later and I may wait for him to have dinner.

2 glasses of champagne and more dark chocolate
Tilapia and spinach with lemon steamed in the microwave.
Due to a txt at 7:30 I ended up going out with the girls for the evening. I came home starving though so had to eat something. Why not fish and spinach? Better for me than chips and probably about the same calories. I love those bags they make an instant meal in 2 minutes.

Snacks
1/2 serving of Lightly salted Kettle Chips
4 blocks of Low Effective Carb & Sugar Dark Chocolate
This stuff is yummy but you can't have too much. Makes my tummy rumbly. Must be the sugar alcohols.
Munchin Mix: sprouted adzuki beans, lentils and peas.

Writing it down

You might notice some new daily posts this month. I was 158.2 this morning which is good but I feel the need to really keep on top of what I am putting in my mouth this month. Vacation is coming up and I have some outdoor gear that fits but the addition of even a couple of pounds makes them uncomfortable. It's amazing how just a few pounds at this weight can really make a difference. Back in the day it would take 10 pounds for things to fit differently.

When I stray I need to go back to the basics. Writing it down. So helpful as I have said before... I don't do it all the time but when I need to refocus it is very helpful and allows me to track my snacky tendencies. I was too often making the choice to have the snack as opposed to not. I figure if I share for the month that will also help keep me honest. I'm not tracking calories just what I put in my mouth.

August Third

Breakfast
Nature Valley Granola Bar
Peach

Lunch
Eggs with dill, parmesan and spinach
Apple Chicken Sausage
Breakfast again, we came home and napped after welcoming home my Mom from the airport.

Dinner
Home made whole wheat pizza topped with mozzarella, spinach, garlic, green and red peppers, mushrooms and onions

Snacks
My last Smooze :-(

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The food!

So Mom is back with 10GB of pictures. The food-- wow. I'll see if I can't copy some on my own computer and post them. I'm so glad she is home, I went over and made her a pizza while we went through all her photos. Comparing and contrasting the island wedding feast to High Tea at the Langham, craziness.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

August Second

Breakfast
Steel Cut Oatmeal with Banana and Raspberries

Lunch
Homemade Pizza topped with Spinach, Mushrooms, Basil, Garlic, Fennel, Mozzarella and Sauce

Dinner
Whole Wheat Angel Hair with Scallops, Shallots, Garlic, Parsley and Broccoli

Snacks
Nectarine, Apple and Banana
3 Smooze
These are the yummiest frozen 50 calories. Made from coconut milk and a fruit juice (plus sugar and a stabilizer) you can find them at Whole Foods.

What a Week!

It started with George Michael on Sunday night which was awesome. Monday I enjoyed the ocean from Crane Beach. So many different sizes and shapes. I swam which was a first in a very long time. The tide was going out and I swam from one sand bar to another. It was deeper in the middle than I had anticipated. Cold! Ohmigod Cold! Good exercise and only slightly less scary than be hit by a car on my bike. When I got back twin sis and I headed down to Providence on Monday night to see a show.

Tuesday... Hmmm, can't remember, something though. Wednesday I blogged about and then was in Freeport again yesterday. I got home from Thursday's adventure and M had the cutest grin. He finally had an August vacation moment. We will be heading back to Yellowstone for the third time. We will be camping for half of the time and tickets were a very reasonable $200 to Denver. M is addicted to Kayak. More charts and graphs for airline prices than you can shake a stick at. The drive up will be nice and I get to hang in my college town for an evening. I may try and check in with my advisor at CU while out there to make sure all my ducks are in a row. I can't believe I am finally going to have my undergrad degree. I blogress. (Thanks to Apple for the new word!)

I bought a tent, two sleeping bags and an air mattress yesterday, we will be doing a dry run hopefully next weekend before we head west. We need site gear, lantern etc. but haven't made any of those purchases yet. My number one thing we can't forget is a wisk broom.

Back to Thursday. We walked. Alot I drove twin sis to Newport to pick up her Vespa. Actually we were hedging our bets on that-- it had been an epic 45 day wait and we were literally stalking the Vespa guy. We took off from teh city at noon, originally hoping to be back in Foxboro for Patriots practice but apparently it takes two hours to put a Vespa engine back in place. So we walked the Cliff Walk. We did not finish but saw the end. It wasn't even that hot but the humidity was something else.





So sweaty. The Cliff walk says it is 3.5 miles but it really is closer to 4. We probably did 3.5 so 7 total. That's nothing on my bike but in the humidity and on foot-- I was shaking by time we got to the end. I was overheating and feeling way dehydrated. Goosebumps are a bad sign. However I didn't collapse and we made it back. Twin sis marches at a pretty swift pace these days. Beating feet is what her man calls it. I call it too fast.

I could use some more rest, maybe a nap this afternoon. I have to return our house guest first though. Mom is back tomorrow and I want her cat to be waiting for her when she gets home. It will be an early morning, she comes in on the red eye from SF. I can't wait. Getting my mom back will be a good way to start another week.

August First

Breakfast
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk
Raspberry Peach Parfait from Starbucks

Snack
Chocolate Caramel Crunch Kashi Bar

Lunch
Full Moon Combo Sushi Pack from Shaws

Dinner
2 12 oz. Dogs Head IPA
3 Sam Lights
Homemade Beef Stir Fry
Made with: Beef, Broccoli, Carrots, Garlic, Mrs Dash Spicy Teriyaki Marinade, Olive Oil, and Spices

Friday, August 1, 2008

Junkfood Science: The exercise diet that wasn’t

Junkfood Science: The exercise diet that wasn’t

Am I a freak? I know my set point was NOT 240 as I had once believed. Mind over matter.

How can I ever hope to help others when all the science out there says that fat people are meant to stay fat.

Ugh.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Out the window

M took the day off today and we headed up to LL Bean. We drove through Bowdoin and had lunch at Cook's lobster house. I had a very yummy lobster roll but no dessert.

But then I came across a whoopie pie at the mini mart where we gassed up before getting on the highway. Made by some local bakery it looked very tasty and since I have been craving whoopie pies lately I bought it. It was very tasty. But it was HUGE. Before I even got in the car I took it out of the wrapper peeled off the top and tossed it into the trash. M didn't bat an eye. Gosh I love him. I had about half of what was left, licked some of the frosting off the rest before tossing it out the window on the highway on ramp. Sweet tooth satisfied. I know it bugs twin sis when I toss food like that, but really, I don't want all of it. My mouth was happily coated in fat and the sweetness was almost too much. I would happily pay more for a smaller portion.

Such a wonderful day off. I am afraid I ruined it when we got home. I had a weepy moment about my shape. We started shopping for our winter trip to Yellowstone where I will need pants. Athletic gear is not designed for people with my shape. In happy news though I snagged a fabulous Smart Wool sweater for cheap. They also make leggings. I own several long wool skirts-- not for skiing of course, but I bet I could make that work for tours that don't involve prolonged periods of being outdoors.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Must?

Overweight women must work out twice as hard :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Health News

I am not like everyone else. I know this, but whenever these studies come out they make me nervous.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Running Errands

Is always better on the bicycle.

Back in Boulder I lived close enough to the grocery store so I could walk, now I can ride. It's just a little to far to walk there and back in a timely fashion. Today I circled a local pond on the way to get in a few more miles before stopping for pizza makings for M and cat food. I'll be seeing another show with twin sis tonight so he is on his own. Last night he just forgot to eat. I could tell when I got home that he had made it only as far as the ice cream and cookies. Not great nutrition, but better him than me. This is why I have no problems picking stuff up for him from the store if means he'll eat a little better.

Some may know that I have a love hate relationship with the grocery store-- I am loving it again lately. If I can't carry it back I don't need it. Also, it helps me to be comfortable with food. I often look at the pastries (especially at Whole Foods) but rarely buy them. Maybe if they had calorie counts I would be more tempted to actually make the purchase. Today I circled by the cupcakes with flower frosting and drooled. I bought shrimps instead for my salad.

One of these days.... Hmmm frosting. I wonder if anyone around here is doing shots? I'd ride 10 miles for one.

I wore a leather skirt instead

And was way more comfortable for last nights George Michael show. I had planned on wearing those knee shorts, but umm, just wasn't comfortable in them. I feel like everyone would be looking at my tummy hanging around my hips. Maybe I should make peace with the fact that I am just more comfortable wearing a skirt or dress. It's hard to feel that way though when people think you are always dressed up with no wear to go. Especially right now with no school and no job for the moment.

Never mind.

I should not have to apologize for my girlieness.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Making Peace

My extra me requires me to shop for a 12 in pants/shorts. I know this but have a hard time buying them. Sigh. I am very comfortable in a 8/10 for skirts and dresses (the non pencil type of course) but the 12 is hard for me to buy in bottoms. But today I did. I believe they are called walking shorts, I couldn't pass them up at 7 bucks. They look pretty cute even if the waist is all bunched up by my belt.

It's good exercise but with complications

I really enjoy riding my bike. As a kid we lived at the bottom of a hill. I am sure that hill isn't as scary as I remember it but it seemed huge. I would get about halfway up and quit, turn around and then coast back down. It was .2 miles.

Riding in the city can pose some challenges, but I do enjoy it. Since we have moved we are now on the backside of the hill that kept me from riding as much as I would have liked. But now, departing and returning to the house is relatively flat.

So... the challenges. Last week I headed out to the Minute Man bike path. Now that I known how to get there on bike lanes (Thank you Peoples Republic of Cambridge) I ride it at least once a week. Roundtrip is almost 30 miles. It takes you through Arlington, Lexington and then on to Bedford. So the last time I was on it just after I had crossed through Arlington center I saw about a hundred yards ahead some kid back his bicycle into a pedestrian. I had assumed he just didn't see her. Wrong. This kid was the biggest shit I have ever run across. I watched as he continued to buzz pedestrians and then swerve in front of those who were trying to get past him. He had a buddy with him who watched but didn't partake. Clearly this kid was going to do the same thing when I tried to pass him so I held back, and of course they slowed down. Getting nervous I was just like, okay, step on it. And of course he swerved in front of me. I am totally motivated by a fear of falling. My knee can't take it. I swerved to the other side and so did he and that was when I just unloaded on this kid. Screaming as loud as I could with more swears than I have used in a really really long time I let this kid have it. His buddy stopped in his tracks and I think I actually saw fear in this kids eyes. I was so mad. I kinda felt bad for calling him a useless piece of shit but he deserved it. Who lets their kids act like this. After the 30 second tirade of F bombs and the like, I peddled off and that was it. I was going to ride the bike path today but got a bit too much sun at the beach yesterday so instead I headed to the Charles River. It's a shorter ride by almost 10 miles.

I come through Harvard Sq and hop on the bike path at the corner of Memorial Drive and JFK Street. Today as I was coming down JFK I watched some guy bang a Uie (Boston term) and move into the right hand lane. You are not supposed to ride on the sidewalks in Cambridge so I was on the road. The first car turned right on red and the guy who had made the U turn started moving forward and edging right. Which is when my handlebars nicked his sideview mirror. I'm not sure if he saw me or not but he was kind enough to get out and ask if I was okay. More or less. When I went down it was, of course on my bum knee. Since my kneecap is so far out of whack it doesn't do much protecting. I rode on even after that incident but am now starting to regret it. My knee is a big ball of fluid. Something jabbed me just above my latest incision line and now I ache. Oof. I also scrapped up my wrist pretty bad, but all in all it could have been much worse. Imagine if he had turned into me. I should have realized he was going to turn right after he banged the U turn on one of the busiest streets in Cambridge, but there was no blinker. As I am fond of saying... I don't care where you are going, I just want to know when.

One of these days I should renew my gym membership. There is only so much lifting to be done at home. I'll cardio on my bike though as long as the weather holds out, I don't get run over or assaulted on the bike path.

PS. Edited to add-- I can only imagine if I had still been fat what that little shit would have said. I shudder to think.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I miss my Mom

Terribly, I know she is on the trip of a lifetime, but still. She should be coming back to civilization tomorrow. Hopefully there will be an email from her.

In other news I am back on the wagon. Seems that my weight was creeping up, even with all the exercise and it being that time of month, anything over 160 (163 on Tuesday) is cause for me to buckle down. Not cause for alarm, but I get uncomfortable in my clothes if gets any higher than that. My jeans stopped fitting well and considering I just passed off my 12s (which I wore forever even when they were too big b/c they weren't that big) to twin sis I need to make sure I am paying attention. Besides eating like crap backs me up. I made a special trip for fiber today...

So twin sis came for dinner last night, we sat at the table and had steak and potato salad. Made me miss Mom even more, but it was nice to spend time with my sister. She made the comment today that the house seems to be pretty "bad snack" free. Ummm, she didn't look in M's baking closet-- marshmallows, chocolate covered graham cookies. Then in the freezer ice cream sandwiches, coconut pops and fudge brownie ice cream. It is all calling my name. I bet even my mom could hear it in Vanuatu.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Buck Up

That's what I keep saying to myself. Last week flew by-- it was lots of fun. There was a beach day, 100+ miles on my bike, a visit with M's family on the weekend and a boat cruise. Plus all the errands associated with not working I was amazed at how quickly it went.

And then it was Monday.

I saw the Doctor yesterday. I wish I weren't so damn bitter. Two years ago I was getting in shape, working out my knee in anticipation of my third ACL replacement. I was fit and excited to get back some stability and buy myself some more time before a TKR. We all know how that ended. Three surgeries later I was told the bone graft is healing well and that it's probably time to refer me to the joint guy. Sigh. So much to consider and I need more information. I left the office in tears as usual but tried to perk up.

I don't know what insurance companies or surgeons consider a good quality of life. But supposedly when your starts to suffer you can get a new knee. Exercise doesn't seem to have that much of an impact. And by that I mean it doesn't make it any less or more painful. If anything it helps keep the crap from building up in there. Crap could be anything, fluid, bone, cartilage etc. The doctor said that just because I could ride 20 miles a day doesn't mean I should be. That annoyed me. I want to be able to do these things. At 31 I should be able to do these things and more. I am pretty damn fit for someone whose lost 185 pounds. But that weight doesn't stay off by itself. I need to be active and I wonder-- how long can I keep up living my life, the way I want to, before my leg just craps out. Am I supposed to live my thirties in constant pain when there are things out there that could help me now.

When I had my last ACL surgery one of the motivating reasons was the surgeon told me that I would lose my mobility by time I was 40 if I didn't do something about the instability. So I did and no I am even worse off. I suppose it's another post but I must figure out a way to forgive that guy for f*cking up my knee the way he did. Not everyone is the perfection that was Dr. Doneldson. I miss that guy. He never blew me off, never ignored my tears about pain and always made me feel like I wasn't crazy when it came to my knee. My Doctor now is a product of the health care system.... and I think he feels bad he sent me to that butcher. I can't wait to see who he refers me to next. Maybe the right surgeon is out there. But in the meantime I do need to just get over it. The pity party needs to end. Besides I've eaten all the party snacks.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Twinier

Things I didn't expect to happen today:
There is now just ten pounds between twin sis and I at 5pm.
She left my house wearing my old jeans.
Mom had Oreos in her freezer. And I only had 1.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Are all knee implants the same? - The Boston Globe

Are all knee implants the same? - The Boston Globe

Promising. A guy in Bio class last semester was a sales rep for Zimmer. Neat neat stuff.

WALL-E's 'fattist' satire angers fat pride groups - Telegraph

From my Google Alerts.... I try to stay away from the politics of fat. The view is different from where I stand than most. But this... I haven't seen the movie yet but that is irrelevant to what bothered me most in this article. They interviewed several people including Fatima Parker the UK Spokesperson for the International Size Acceptance Association. I added the emphasis on the last line.

WALL-E's 'fattist' satire angers fat pride groups - Telegraph

"Fat people here are constantly told that we are failures: as people, as parents, as role models."

Ms Parker's argument is that overweight people are less likely to become morbidly obese, if they are allowed to feel comfortable about their bodies. She believes derogatory language and stereotypes about fat people as greedy will only make them eat more.

"On TV shows such as You Are What You Eat and The Biggest Loser, we are made out to be disgusting and less than human - called cows and whales.

It's hardly going to make me go and eat carrots and run around the garden.

"I would rather have cancer or diabetes than serious depression about how I look."


So full disclosure here... I still am not a huge fan of the way I look. I have more or less come to peace with it, but occasionally it still depresses me that I am carrying around all this extra skin. Does it make me want to eat more? Hell no. I would rather be saggy and squishy than all stretched out, full up of fat that makes life hard to live. Also, this really only applies when my clothes are off-- I can easily cover up my flaws and so I get dressed up everyday for a reason-- it makes me feel good about myself. Being healthy makes me feel good about myself. No one can tell me how to feel. Only I am in control of my emotions and my responses to the world around me.

So here's my issue with Ms. Parker. Comparing depression over ones appearance to cancer/diabetes is like comparing apples and cupcakes. Depression (in most cases) is NOT going to kill you. It's mental/chemical. Type II Diabetes and cancer can and probably will kill you. These are physical aliments brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle. One of my biggest motivating factors in wanting to lose weight was watching my Gram suffer through the last years of her life. Diabetes is an ugly ugly disease and a horrible way to die. It robbed her of her sight, her mobility and eventually her life. A week later my uncle died of Pancreatic cancer. Again a horrible way to go. Having those diseases would depress the f*ck out of me. Cancer is a hard one because lately it seems so indiscriminate in who and when it attacks, but living a healthier lifestyle will decrease your chances and taking weight off will certainly lower your risk for diabetes.

Maybe Ms. Parker has never known anyone who has suffered from diabetes or cancer? Such a flippent comment... Ugh. I don't think she understands what she is saying.