I hate that I allowed myself to get so heavy that I destroyed my chances of ever walking normally. And by that I mean without pain. And the pain, for the most part I can deal with. Somedays are better than others, but the weird nerve twinges. I can not tolerate this anymore. It is driving me crazy. I have the hardest time falling asleep because of it. I feel like the electric current that is supposed to run through my leg gets stopped behind my knee and it builds up and builds up until it just releases in this horrible twitch. And if that wasn't bad enough... now I have this odd feeling in my shin. Like there is a cat brushing up against my leg, but I look down and NOTHING is there. So fucked up. The nerves have been cut so many times, I can't get the sting out of the arthritis pain b/c I don't have much feeling in that spot so rubbing can only do so much. And the bone ache, both above and below the knee. Ugh.
I know that so many of those surgeries were actually necessary, but I just wish I had been better to myself. I can't go back and change it and now I just have to live with it. And for some reason that is getting harder by the day. Tears are just wasted on this because I know there is more to come but tonight I just can't seem to get out of my own way.