Friday, January 30, 2009

Places I stay Away From

Shapely Prose for example. I followed the link that Lyn was provided, browsing a bit I came across one of Kate Hardings entries from back in 2007. I have cut pasted what pisses me off. I agree with their message but it's hard to feel like you would want to support it when being called a freak. Emphasis mine.

4. Diets don’t work. No, really, not even if you don’t call them diets. If you want to tell me about how YOUR diet totally worked, do me a favor and wait until you’ve kept all the weight off for five years. Not one year, not four years, five years. And if you’ve kept it off for that long, congratulations. You’re literally a freak of nature.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Finally Over

Chemistry exam was this week. oooof. It was hard, well, one page was uber hard, the rest was all right. Even M thought that one page was hard. He said he was thinking of me during the exam and wondered how I was doing. I wish I knew why I struggle with this stuff. I know it won't mean shit to how good of a dietician I can be. It's just something I have to do to get there. It's kind of like losing weight, its hard, and complicated and you often want to give up, but the rewards are great and anything worth having is worth working for.

Class starts again next week. I'm taking an expository writing class as well, Narrating Illness. Speaking of illness. I look like death warmed over, I have dreadful bags under my eyes and my skin is cranked, I'm sporting a low grade temp all the time and am tired. But it's a body tired, not a lack of sleep tired. I saw the knee doc today. He said I should see the guy who did the surgery last March b/c there are so many things one can bone graft with it's hard for him to tell what's going on. He did have a look-- said that bone should be hard, and that my bone is not hard. Yikes. He doesn't think the joint is infected, and neither do I but I have no idea what is wrong with my tibia, which is where my pain is these days. That hole just hurts and my whole lower leg just feels heavy. Since meeting up with this new doc, the actual joint pain has decreased (with his suggestions of insoles, PT and the orthovisc shots) but the pain in my tibia... Sucks. He did some blood work and I didn't even have to ask him, he also said he would release the results on line so that I could have a look. I can't help but wonder if the pain, the squishy bone and the low grade temp are related. I'm already a freak of nature when it comes to bone infections and non healing bone, a third infection or a failed bone graft wouldn't be out of the rhelm of possibility.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I love M but my knee still hates me.

Really I do. He is so awesome-- we looked into costs associated with surgeries tonight after I had a small meltdown. (Too much onliness today) I think I am going to see about meeting with some other plastic surgeons. I'll use the referral for the guy my PCP recommended but hell, this is Boston, all sorts of docs here, might as well take advantage of that.

For the first time in my life $$$ is not the issue. M assured me that it was all okay, he wants to help me and he has no problems paying if HPHC denies me. Hard to tell what insurance will do based on what we read this evening, they require authorization for procedures that are due to MWL (massive weight loss) for bariatrics but then under what they pay for they say they don't cover skin removal after MWL. Ack! So I just breathe and try and relax about this. That's hard to do now that I have come to the conclusion that this is something that I want to do. I feel I have waited long enough, my body has stabilized and honestly I feel slightly droopier this year than last, a disturbing trend. I just want my body to move and function physically like an always thin person. Elective surgery to me is a HUGE deal b/c it's surgery. Going under is not a pleasant experience, well except when they gas you and you have like 30 seconds of absolute euphoria before you wake up nauseated, confused and in pain. I'm going to ask about a circumferential lower body lift with an anchor cut and a thigh lift. I have no idea if they can do all this at once, I would think no, but I've read all sorts of stories. I think it comes down to the pain and what you are comfortable with.

I have no doubt that I can handle the pain. It might actually be a welcome distraction from the knee. Which is also currently freeking me out and causing mini meltdowns. I have a ridiculously deep itch. I feel as if I might be expecting a stitch or something? Maybe another bone granule? Hard to say but I'm also sporting a low grade temp. It's always something. Nothing looks infected and if I was a betting person I would say that my recent increase in physical activity, PT and scar massage has something to do with whatever is going on in there. I can't really feel anything underneath the skin-- the offending spot is to the left of a scar on my knee and the bone/tissue is already very lumpy underneath the skin. Gee, kind of like the rest of me.

Thinking about Success

I do not want to be that person who regains it all plus some. Many years later, I think I am okay, but you never know.

For me that would mean regaining another 175 pounds on top of the 10 or so I put on last year. So many people lose so much weight and then regain it all and more. I can see how that would happen... for a while this past fall I felt like it was happening to me, but now I feel more in control. Will I ever get to 150? Probably, with surgery of course. But right now I just need to focus on eating well with no bingeing and getting to the gym. The number on the scale will do what it'll do. The most I ever lost and then regained on top of my loss was 40 pounds after high school. Maintenance is hard, but being fat is harder. Taking off a whole me and then putting it back on. What a mental mind fuck that must be. I'm still spend time mulling over my ability to be successful in this battle of excess weight. A couple of factors were key I think.

1. Time

I was fat when Bush took office. I was just starting to take the weight off 8 years ago when he was sworn in. Still well over 300 pounds I was struggling with how long the process was going to take. But as I have learned, time is on your side and it is one of the best tools you have in losing weight. It took awhile for the pounds to come on, it can not come off instantly. The body can adjust and adapt to anything (All though I am sure it prefers being fat, to bad that doesn't make you happy.) but you must give it time. By the start of Bush's second term I was still fat. But now I was 240 pounds and surprisingly thought I was fat and happy. I didn't know any better (And I am in no way saying that losing weight will make all your problems go away, but not lugging around that extra body weight lifts a burden that I can not explain) but knew enough to know that if I wanted to live to see a ripe old age with the man I love my job was not done yet.

2. Knowing When to Quit

This must sound ridiculous, but sometimes the body will not cooperate. The plateau is one of the biggest weight loss struggles out there. You work so hard and then bam, nothing. And then more nothing and more nothing. This is not the time to throw in the towel, but time to quit doing what you are doing, and try something else. And for me, that something else, was to not try and lose more weight but to simply maintain. It was frustrating wanting to lose more weight but sometimes you just need to give. The scale not moving at all has been one of my biggest accomplishments. I have never really been stuck in that lose gain lose gain cycles. Maybe 10 pounds worth, but in my scale of experience, I'm okay with that. I think that when I got to 160ish I had more or less all ready equipped myself with the tools I needed for successful maintenance.

Where is this coming from? I have a chemistry exam I am procrastinating for.... I've spent the better part of my afternoon cleaning out my inbox of my Google Alerts, Nutrition, Obesity, Weight Loss and Weight Maintenance since late last year. Lots of talk about new years resolutions, gastric bypass, drugs etc but also about those who have regained. Oprah mostly, but that guy from the BIggest Loser who was on her show last week. I feel so awful for him, the pictures of him on her show, the sadness in his eyes. To lose 214 lbs that fast and then have a surgeon 4 months later remove all your excess skin. Ooof, the body probably had no idea what was going on. I know we only get a short time on this earth, but change, it takes time. There are no quick fixes.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I love my PCP

Srsly. This woman is awesome if you live in the Boston and are ever need a PCP, email me, I'd recommend her to anybody. Anyways, I saw her today to talk about medications. I am off all the head meds and today she prescribed me an actual pain killer. YaY! I can go to the gym with abandon now that I know I am not going to pay for it with lack of sleep. It's been the falling asleep that has been hard. The dull ache. The throb. Ugh. Sucks. But in other positive news she put in a couple of referrals for me. One to a counselor to talk about my knee pain and how to keep it from sucking away my day and the second to the plastic surgeon. We talked about skin issues. And luckily, mostly I have no issues, I use a ketazole shampoo that keeps the candida at bay. However I worry that due to my penchant for infections that leaving the skin will result in problems someday. That and I so desperately want to wear a knee brace.

I joined the BSC. My local one has a pool which I have used several times now. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I'll get there. It's nice to feel worked out.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sometimes the brain can be so hard on the body.

My sister lost someone today. Very sad to me as well.

Life is about holding on.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I can't live like this anymore.

So I made an appointment. He's booking all the way to the end of March for consults, but I feel positive about this. The first interaction with the office staff was pleasant even if she asked me if I had had bypass. We all use different tools.

I told M, he asked, "What for?" Not sure if that is denial, cluelessness or thoughtlessness. I don't care, it was a huge step to make that call.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Bunch of these memes floating around. Here's my take on 2008.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Camped with my husband.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't think I made any last year. Oh wait, I did, and no I did not keep it. Already broken that one this year too. No, I won't share it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but seems like everyone I know is pregnant?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I think 2008 was spent still mourning the loss of Gram in 2007. My other Grandmother died this year but she had been gone for years with the Alzheimer's. I was on vacation when they held her memorial.

5. What countries did you visit?

Good old US of A.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A pain free knee.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The day after Thanksgiving and the highest temperature I have ever had as an adult.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I graduated from college this year. I had one credit hanging over me from CU Boulder. When I left there 6 years ago I never imagined I would actually get it done, but to move on with my life. Well, change is good.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Summer chemistry. Too much too fast made my brian hurt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Th knee is chronic.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hiking boots for my sister for Christmas.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The twin sis. :c)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


14. Where did most of your money go?

I'm buying a student loan.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Starting on a new educational path in life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

All of Keane's latest album.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? The same?
b) thinner or fatter? Heavier by 8 pounds.
c) richer or poorer? I have no money of my own.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercise and chemistry problems.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Laid on the sofa.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With family at home this year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Already there.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Mike Doughty

24. What was the best book you read?

By Molly Stevens, All About Braising

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

PIctures and Sound

26. What did you want and get?

An iPhone.

27. What did you want and not get?

My act together.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?


29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32 and went to the Pats game and watched them destroy Denver.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less knee pain.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

It doesn't have to match it just has to go. I never leave the house without thought into my outfit. I always wear jewelry and a great coat can be your best accessory.

32. What kept you sane?

Marco, Mom and a venti iced coffee.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sarah Palin

35. Who did you miss?


36. Who was the best new person you met?

Ashley and Anna and Val from my two weeks of chemistry.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

You can only change yourself.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Everything leaves mark."

It's a New Year

I did not make a resolution to lose weight, I made one not to gain. I also made a resolution to eschew the take out and cook more at home. So far so good. Last night I made my own vegetable samosas. Who needs Indian takeout when you can make it your self?

Thursday, January 1, 2009