Tankini

I'm wearing one. I've had this suit for years. Back when I first lost the weight I ordered it from LL Bean for a winter vacation to Key West thinking it would be cute. I also liked that I could order a larger bottom than top to accommodate all my excess. The top is a 10 the bottom a 12. It was AWFUL. The skin that hung over my belly button was on full display and it was not pretty. I ended up purchasing another one the first day of vacation for 85$ somewhere on Duval. I still have that suit and am a big fan of it. Bright pretty floral colors and bonus, it came with a sarong. I've always loved swim ware. I had 5 different bathing suits at 240 pounds when I lived in Colorado. I spent summer by the pool and didn't give my body a second thought.

It's been on my mind that I am more than just my skin, but I have to say that this makes me pretty damn happy. I never ever thought that I could feel this normal. Sure there are lots of other parts of me that still droop and hang, but I did not know that this was going to be as life changing as it has been. I was focused on mobility and my knee. But now I know I wouldn't be totally honest if I said this has nothing to do with looks because it does. I know I'm never going to have a magazine body and I don't care. That doesn't motivate me, what does motivate me is being comfortable in my own skin and living life. Being an active participant in my life. The excess skin gets in the way of that.

I don't have to justify, I know that, it's just that this result, even with complications is so different than what I had imagined. It's pretty damn close to perfect. All those years of hard work brought me to a body that I could love and respect, but had a hard time living with. Now I can prance around on the deck and feel just as comfortable being in my own body as I did at 240. My skin is now me sized and I think that is what is making all the difference.

Whole Foods and Single Baked Good Goodness

I wonder where Whole Food falls in California's nutrition labeling law? Do their prepared food fall under the restaurant category because you can sit and eat there? I took myself out to lunch today to my local Whole Foods in Cambridge and had a salad from their cold bar plus some overpriced sushi. They have lots of other things I enjoy from the hot bar, but right now I am focused on protein and getting the most bang for my calorie buck. It kind of annoys me that they don't post or have available their nutritional info. I know it is expensive to test each recipe and that when they do, they only usually test it once, there will be variations form store to store etc... That's all fine, I really just need a guesstimate.

Scouring their website I came across this answer to the nutritional info question in their forums.

And let's talk about the baked goods. They have more single serving desserts than a girl could hope for, but again, with no nutritional info. Ingredients only. Just knowing that they are there often keeps me from buying one... that and the one time I bought a single cupcake it was labeled as and I got charged for a 6 pack. Grumble. Totally defeated the purpose. I was craving something sweet today and picked up and put down many a desert. It seemed to be free sample day so I made do with a wee bit of Mojito cake. It was only okay but just enough all at the same time.

Not a fan of that Dannon Light & Fit Commercial

I'm glad to see I am not the only person who does not like this commercial.

Seriously, I am supposed to believe that this thin attractive woman is slurping down that yogurt in the store because it's so tasty? For me that stuff falls into the not real food category. But even more than that it's the stupid look at me smirk at the end of the commercial that really irritates.

If I didn't know the difference

I'm pretty sure the nurse would have used one of those heparin syringes on me today. It wouldn't have killed me or anything, but it certainly wouldn't have helped. PAY ATTENTION! These syringes come prepackaged, you hook them up to your IV after administering a med to prevent clotting. I know this because I've had a couple of PICC lines in my past. Heparin is blue, saline for the flush is white. She had already unwrapped one and put it on the coffee table and I was all, hey that's heparin! She looked confused and said, oh how did those get in there...

Umm... you put them in the bag because you weren't paying attention when you got supplies from the office. Mom and I noticed it last week, we should have taken them out then. They were at the very bottom of the bag, lesson learned. I would hate to think what would have happened if I hadn't said anything. That's not something most people know. Way to go crappy immune system.

So you might be able to tell I am over this nurse. She is a nice lady, but she is a lazy nurse. After the heparin incident, she had used 2 of the 3 saline syringes she had laid out. She went to reach for the third but grabbed the one that was already empty and screwed it back on to the catheter. This was for my last, tiniest hole and she had a hard time getting the catheter tip in, after about 20 secs. of fussing she got what she wanted only to depress the plunger and notice, oh, it's empty! Argh. PAY ATTENTION.

Really, is that to much to ask?

She goes on vacation at the end of the week for 10 days. I am going to do everything in my power to be all healed up and not need wound packing by time she gets back!

Easing back into life

The Tall Ships are in Boston right now and most of them are docked across the street from where M parks for work. When I am well I normally drop him off, it's a nice way to spend time together in the morning and then he doesn't have to pay for parking, which is 11$ at the cheapest. The MBTA doesn't seem to bother him and so instead of 15$ a day for commuting it's less than 5$ between the toll in on the Mass Pike, I take Storrow home, and his T fare.

So this morning I offered to drop him off. Well, he drove in, normally I drive, but one way was far enough for me. It was nice to get out and know that the city is still there. People are still running along the Charles, they are still working on that on ramp near Fenway and the Pike is still a shit show, but thankfully they hadn't closed down any lanes this morning.

At this point this is how I am going to get better, by easing back into my life. Things like dishes, ironing, errands. Well, no errands yet, but I will get to those. I super want to go to my local Target. It had been under renovation for the past 2 years and now it's finally done. I haven't been in yet, five weeks ago, they were still laying carpet in the woman's section and apparently they have some odd new all plastic carriages? I wanna see. It was a long process, they worked from the outside/periphery of the store to the inside. Last I time I was there only an island of the old Target remaining.

I've been cooking some too. Last night I only cut the meat for steak tips, but that was something. My protein intake is still close to or over 100 grams a day. My hair and nails have never looked better. I actually want to get a hair cut, but my stylist is on Newbury. Maybe next week I'll schedule an appointment and see just how good my parking karma is.

I need a better immune system

The germ that grew out last week was just plain old skin flora. I am a wee bit freaked out by that. The antibiotics keep getting bigger but the germs, from what I can read are supposedly less virulent? Serratia all those years was undeniably ugly, but the latest infections have just been small stuff. Why do we need to treat them with bombs? I understand that I did have a massive hole just cut in me but these bacteria don't cause problems for NORMAL people. I was healing up just fine from the fluid/pulling apart complication, but the infection. I feel like two steps forward one step back.

Warning possible gross TMI ahead!

Mom was here today and she said it looks much better. I agree, but the fact that two deepest tunnels are now "communicating" is also freaking me out. Basically what that means is that even though my largest hole has mostly healed, the spot where the infection was (that lump of ick I mentioned last week) has tunneled to the fascia. I could feel it yesterday when the plastic surgeon poked me. Actually the medical assistant found it. She impresses me. Nice girl, let's me ramble on because when I'm nervous I talk, pretty much non-stop. And there I go rambling. Anyways, it communicates with the other tunnel that was the deepest. When she flushed it with saline the fluid came out both holes. I will eventually heal, I assume the tissue is done breaking down and now will begin to build itself back up.

In other gross icky news. I have never ever had to deal with a feminine problem like I have right now. We are combatting on both fronts, the yeast and the lack of healthy helpful bacteria. Hopefully tomorrow I'll start feeling some relief from all this effort. I can't wipe, only blot if that tells you how bad this is.

So when all this is wrapped up maybe I'll see about talking to an immunologist. I'd like to know why I get the odd germs and the infections from things that aren't supposed to infect you. Literally the plastic surgeon said that yesterday, "You grew out nothing that should have done this."

I am going to heal.

I helped!

I need to start doing more for myself. Not too much-- but more. Tonight I chopped vegetables and helped with dinner. Ooooh, exciting right? We had stuffed peppers, mine was all hamburger and veggies, no brown rice and no cheese-- stupid Zyvox! We ate these as kids all the time, but I am willing to bet my version has more vegetables and less fat. Thinking back on it I assume they were made with 80/20 hamburger, white rice, tomato sauce chock full of sugar (check it out, most are!), smothered with full fat cheddar cheese and no extra vegetables to be seen. I can vividly remember the oil pooling on the surface of the stuffed peppers and in the bottom of the baking dish. Tonight's version was 93/7 hamburger with onions, garlic, mushrooms and spinach, brown rice and lorraine swiss. It was just as yummy as when I was a kid. It's all about changing your normal.

I also cut up a head of cauliflower, a couple of carrots and a sweet potato for a braised veggie recipe I'll make tomorrow. The sweet potato and carrots are veggies that need to be used and are an addition and substitution to the origional recipe but I'm sure will still be delicious. The spices lend the dish an Indian flavor so I can use up leftovers by wrapping them up in phylo dough, brush them with olive oil and bake turning them into a good for you version of the vegetable samosa.

It's so nice to have fruit & veggies back in the house and to have the energy to do things with them. Mom took me to the grocery store yesterday, I walked the produce isles and the frozen isle. I'm noticing the mini dessert trend has hit the ice cream case. Besides the Ben & Jerry's tiny cups you can also get the Edy's Slow Churned, chocolate, vanilla and chocolate mint. I know it's more packaging and I know they aren't great for you, but it makes me happier than having to buy a pint of something that will only taunt me later until I pitch the rest of it. I have no problems paying for exactly what I want. I had a tiny cup of the chocolate with fresh cherries, strawberries and blueberries. Tonight I just had the fruit and that's okay too, but sometimes a girl needs something chocolately to help her cope.