Imagine my ____________ when I saw him last week and he was all, let's get an MRI. Really? Another MRI? What on earth could you possibly see in there that would changed anything. I reminded him that there is all sorts of distortion etc and he said that's fine... We'll do it anyways. Frankly I feel like I am being put off. I don't know why I have this feeling but I do. He also said a few other things that stuck with me, this gem, "Your knee does not respond well to surgery." Yeah, no shit, that's how I got here. And also this, "We can follow up via email." Since I didn't make the appointment with the MRI peeps right away I had to call back his secretary. She surprisingly scheduled me a followup for the day of the MRI. I am so tempted to blow it off. It's next Tuesday... I have some time to decide, but I think I'll go because I'm hurting.
I mean really hurting. The lighting is kind of crappy but I took a couple pictures of my knee two nights ago because I was trying to get a good picture of how small my left leg is compared to right one. What I ended up with instead was a punch to the gut. I think it's the weight loss. My knee is a ball of arthritis, I knew this was the case, but it is so physically obvious now. This picture makes me want to gain weight, so that I can't see the swelling around the joint. I know that's silly, but it is sort of how I felt about my excess skin. This need to disguise or hide it by plumping back up the rest of me. I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself and honestly I really would like to lose ten more pounds. Less weight will still hopefully equal less pain.
I need to courage up and ask about the long range plan in specifics. If I was 70 they'd be, here have a new knee. But I'm half that and honestly my knee doesn't respond well to surgery. Not sure what I'll do, but I need to make a plan. Too much worry is being wasted on what ifs right now.