Today was one of those days that I feared.

As I got further into my thirties people would often ask about our plans for children.  We had talked about it and I had said years ago if I was going to, I wanted a baby by 35.  But life happened and I was sinking underneath the pain of my knee and my husband's hearing was getting worse as the years passed.  I had convinced myself that we were two people who had come together to take care of one another. I make no secret of the fact that Brie is a vacation souvenir. She was the Universe's way of saying, "Hey Kids! Get out of your own way!"

I can't believe she will be one in three days.  Seems impossible.  As I sit here in a crazy amount of pain tonight I think, one year down, how many more to go?  I'm actually pretty pleased I got this far without having one of those days I feared. One of those days where it was physically hard to care for her. I actually did have a few of these earlier this winter and that's when I took action and got myself into shape.

However now that I have muscle I'm dismayed that today still sucked.  I woke up with unexplained medial pain, stiffness and swelling.  Last night's work out was no different than any other I've been through this year and yet today was one of the hardest I've had in years. I'm ashamed to say that I napped this am during her nap and she was up before I was.  Happily chilling in her crib, but I still felt bad.  We had lunch at home and then it was off to visit Daddy.  I leaned on the stroller for our walk to get his lunch. I've had more pills than I should today and I'll replace the Lidocain patch with another after my shower. Pharmaceuticals have left me numb and somewhat short tempered. Bath time was uber short tonight because I couldn't kneel next to the tub, more guilt, it is one of her favorite parts of the day. After that it was back in the car to run a couple more errands, CSA and CVS. I couldn't fathom getting up and down off the floor tonight.  Too much, even with the pain management. 

I want tomorrow to be better.  Like every day I will put one foot in front of the other... But still, I fear more days like today.  It is profoundly important to me that we be active together. If even if she's not walking yet I want to be active with her.  I don't want her to go through what I did as a kid...  I am afraid she will pay for my stubbornness, for my years of disuse and abuse. 

So I'll try again tomorrow.  If I've learned anything it's that my pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully tomorrow it will be less.  Regardless, she deserves the best of me.