Sunday, February 28, 2010

These are a few of my Favorite Things

1. My heart shaped diamond.
2. J Crew sweater I've had for 4 years.
3. Antique Pot metal with !crystals! screwback earrings.
4. Lucky exam pencil.
5. My Starbucks, even though it didn't have any napkins today.

And then I don't feel so bad.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


If I've learned one thing from reading your blog it is this: the power to make healthier choices does not arise from the number or variety of options before me. The power to make choices can, however, expand my options...even beyond my ability to envision them.

Thank you Robin.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Knee List

1.) ACL #1, Winter 1993, 215 lbs.
2.) Scope for scar tissue, May 1994, 225 lbs.
3.) ACL #2, Winter 1996, 240 lbs.
4.) Debridement & Hardware removal due to Serratia infecting ACL #2, February 1997, 240 lbs.
5.) Bone graft, October 2001, 285 lbs.
6.) Scope #2, March 2003, 240 lbs.
7.) Scope #3 and more graft in anticipation of ACL#3, Winter 2005, 160 lbs.
8.) ACL #3, December 2006, 155 lbs.
9.) Debridement & Hardware removal due to TOALLY PREVENTABLE HOSPITAL INFECTION /bitter, Jan 2007, 155lbs.
10.) Bone graft, February 2008, 160 lbs.
11.) Revision of bone graft, February 2009, 170 lbs.

Result: No ACL. Massive osteoarthritis is all 3 compartments. Compromised joint space and cartilage that can no longer do it's job.

I will not let me knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let me knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me. I will not let my knee get the best of me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Loose Ends

In December we moved into the city but my favorite Starbucks is still in Watertown. I know those peeps, it's comfy and I can get work done there. I got the large table today next to the plug. Normally I'll sit at the bar, which has seats for three. When I got there one of those was open. About an hour into my stay I looked up and could see in the reflection of the espresso machine some guy watching me. I looked over at the bar and sitting next to this guy was my former Orthopedic Surgeon! He smiled and I looked away like I didn't quite recognize him. It was about to be refill time and there was no way I couldn't see him when standing at the counter. I think we were both trying to avoid eye contact but every time I looked over there one of them was looking my way. He sorta stopped on his way out, walked and talked while putting on his coat. Again all smiles and so was his friend. I wonder if they talked about me, I know my situation made him sad. I wish we had been able to chat, didn't even have to be about the knee. I don't know why I feel like there are loose ends there. I'm sure he could see that I am doing just fine, I look ridiculously thin compared to this time last year & was all cuted up as usual.

Here's the thing about Dr. B. I really liked him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a tiny crush on him. I think it was the sweaters? He is a really nice guy and what happened to me wasn't his fault. I just... couldn't keep crying at him. There wasn't much he could do for me after surgery number 11. As a direct result of his suggestions I am where I am now, that is to say worse off than I was before I/we decided to have my ACL replaced for the 3rd time. He didn't do that surgery but I did go running back to him when it failed. He likes to say his door is always open, and it is, he's just limited in his capacity in what he could do for the exception to the rule. I should write him that letter I talked about last Spring. I just stopped seeing him, it was becoming too hard on my heart. At the time it felt cowardly but appointment after appointment a year ago when the bone graft was causing me great pain I cried at him. After that was fixed I still cried at him. I'm crying now. I don't know why this random run in affected me the way it did today. I came home after a trip to the store and just kind of fell apart for a bit and then I napped right through section this evening.

I see a new therapist tomorrow. I think I will be asking for more appointments. Today was great reminder that I am not at peace with my knee and how it got to this point. Clearly I have issues if a relatively pleasant run in ruined my day. I need to be to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other and that didn't happen today. I cried instead.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Scale

Tony has a great post about the scale today. I don't know if I am that brave. There have been times in my life when I have not owned a scale. I may have even pitched one off the roof of my dorm in college.... For the moment though I need to have one.

Mine said 157.4 this am. See, water weight. The body is so bizarre. It's amazing that after all this time the scale can still influence my mood. I wasn't feeling particularly thin over the weekend... But last night I was hanging a mirror in my bathroom and I had to stop and look. I mean really look at myself because I didn't recognize what I saw. My house is covered with mirrors, all vintage or antique, with crazing and chips but they are part of my success. You must know what you look like, but mostly I know what I look like from the front. What caught me off guard was the angle that I was looking at myself, sort of from the back and the side. I was tiny.

I'll admit to being glad that the scale reinforced that thought this morning.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The knee

I have yet to see the Dr. Oz episode where I was in the audience as part of his OZ 100. I've gotten all sorts of fun comments from friends-- "Hey! I saw you on TV and you look great!" and "Your beautiful self was all over that show and you were smiling!" are two such examples. Neat, right?

I was catching up on blogs recently and one woman's denial about her knees magically healing themselves got to me.  It also reminded me I wanted to check out exactly what it is was Dr. Oz was saying about your knees healing themselves after losing weight. I cried through that part of the segment. Big fat hot tears that just rolled down my face and I couldn't help it.

And they showed it! Bastards.

Click the picture to be taken to his site and the clip, you can see me cry just before the 4 minute mark.

But what the producers/editors don't understand is that those weren't tears-of-happiness-that-I-have-conquered-my-weight-and-now-am-pain-free. Hardly. They were tears-of-ohmigod-I-can't-believe-he-is-saying this because, at least for me, I know this not to be true. I know my issues are more than just OA. You can't have 11 knee surgeries and not expect some pain, but the arthritis is causing the majority of my issues.

I've watched the clip several times now and I believe he is inferring that the bone will heal itself if you lose enough weight and consequently it will not hurt. Maybe I am a freak of nature? Bone is capable of regenerating and healing, it has a blood supply. Cartilage is avascular and so therefore it's capabilities for regeneration are severely limited. Once the damage to your cartilage is done, it's done. If you are missing it in places and you have bone on bone no amount of weight loss is going to prevent them from rubbing together. Well, a surgery will, but if your OA is in all three compartments and you are knock-kneed then tough luck, wait for a replacement at 45. /blogress

The reason they tell you to lose weight to help your knees is to help PREVENT osteoarthritis. Once you have it though, you can only treat it. Losing weight will reduce some of the pressure on your joints and it will make them less painful because there is less force on them further tearing up your cartilage and bone. They will not magically heal themselves however-- even if you weigh nothing.

Oh hello, I have a blog.

Life kinda sorta just stopped for me last week. I am amazed at how many calories you can burn with tears. Even though I tweeted that I know food isn't comfort-- I still ate. Scale was 160.2 this morning. Some I assume is water weight. Everything I purchased out of a need to comfort myself however I did not finish. Well, except the FroYo version of Half Baked and even that took me 3 days.

This is still an accomplishment five years later. I often say that I know I won't ever put the weight back on if I didn't in 2007. That was before I kept this blog, January of that year started with my third failed ACL having to be removed and copious amounts of IV anti-biotics. In March my Gram died and then two weeks later my uncle died. I was in a ugly car accident and later that year I lost my job and miscarried. And despite all that I was in best shape of my life. I coped with exercise and smart choices.

I still try and cope with smart choices but the exercise escapes me. (that's another post) The move has helped with my activity level and there were several walks this week. One on Wednesday in the snow storm, I walked over a mile to Starbucks-- tears all the way. When I got there I order a latte instead of snack and my usual venti iced coffee. A one pump caramel latte is better for me than a cookie or scone or cupcake no matter how you cut it. Life will continue to happen, the only thing you can do is change how you react to it. Reacting with food simply does not help. I don't know if I'll ever get the exercise thing down, but my body still does what I need it to do-- carry me to places of comfort. Even if that's a Starbucks in a snowstorm.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I hugged Richard Simmons

He called me sweet.

I may have cried at him.

What a wonderful day.

PS. Lori and Jenelle are two of the most beautiful women I have ever met! So glad to have met you ladies today too!

Monday, February 8, 2010

I'm going too!

Looking forward to meeting some remarkable people this week at the Dr. Oz show! I'm super annoyed about the snow storm, but trying not to let it bug me. I'm driving down to NYC tomorrow afternoon with my Mom. However long it takes to get back is how long it takes.

This is going to be neat.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I shopped for chocolate brown things.

I bought a super cute shirt dress at Target today on sale! Love that! New arrivals are often marked down for a brief moment. On the other end of spectrum I also bought a PAIR OF PANTS! omg Khakis! They are dark brown and fabric is a heavy cotton with lycra. Perfect for me and my flaws, which you can see if you click on the picture to make it bigger. That's me in my jeans, not the pants I bought. I love the family fitting room at Target. Great mirror angles and a very large bench for me to sit on. I may have burst into tears at the site of my leg though. I'm in my own way about my knee, pants help me forget.

What I ate. Snacky version.

Breakfast at 9 am
Bowl of Cheerios with 1%

Snack at noon
Venti Iced with refill
Zone Perfect Bar
Gummy Bears - serving was 140 calories.

Snack at 2pm
Wafer Cookies
There is an Italian grocer downstairs and they have all the good European cookies. These are dark chocolate itty bitty wafers. A serving is 8 cookies with a 150 calories and nine servings in a bag. Obviously I still like cookies, I just keep the damage to a minimum these days. I can justify 150 calories but 600, notsomuch. It's all about learning to say no, or even simpler than that, being satisfied by less. I can recall eating a half a bag of these things at once in my past.

Dinner at 5pm
Steamed carrots, broccoli and cauliflower
Chicken Curry pieces without the sauce

Snack at 7pm
Dry roasted edamame

Snack 9pm
Bag of Popcorn

Monday, February 1, 2010

What I ate. Better than yesterday edition.

Breakfast at 9am
Bowl of Cheerios with banana and 1% milk
Wafer cookies 150 calories worth. :/
Venti Iced

Snack at 11am
Small yogurt smoothie

Lunch at 2pm
Salad from salad bar with 2 ounces humus
2 Bananas

Dinner #1 at 5pm
Venti 1 pump caramel Latte
Vegetarian Veggie and quinoa soup

Dinner with husband at 11pm (he had tacos)
2 slices Wasa
3 ounces Fresh Mozzarella
1 tomato
Fresh Basil

What I ate. Coming home.

Yesterday was epic in length and also emotionally and physically draining.

Half a Kashi Crunch Bar

Rest of bar I had half of while waiting for Oil guy.
Zone Bar


Morning Glory Muffin
1 Dark Chocolate Lindt Ball
Few bites of glazed cruller

Grilled Ham and Cheese with tomato

A couple ounces of chicken
Carrots and celery

Icecream sandwich