The new year

2007 kicked my ass. All that loss... Gram, Uncle Steve, my acl, my car accident, my job and the miscarriage. I thought 2008 would be a great year. And it was, I got a lot accomplished, finished college (that 1 credit was killing me) and embarked on a new path. School is going well but I still struggled this year. And I can sum it up in a word.

Pain.

I'm now 2 years into not having an ACL again and have about 8 more to go before we strip me of my knee joint and replace it with mechanical parts. I can't wait. The simple act of sitting on the sofa produces pain when I get up. Recently my knee has started doing that creepy thing where it squishes and then hurts so bad I can't move. But if I give it a few moments, I'm okay and can move, allbeit slowly, but I can move again. Happened when I was finishing my Christmas shopping... My knee can't even sustain shopping. :c(

When I came off the Zoloft I was all worried about being sad. I don't think that is my problem anymore... I'm not a huge fan of the Prozac and have honestly not been taking it. It is supposed to help with anxiety but I felt like it gave me an edge. As soon as some family pointed it out I was like, yeah, not for me.

So what it for me? Well, I did what my doctor asked, I went to see the joint replacement guy and he told me what he thought. We tried the shots... and I was unimpressed with those. What I need is to be properly medicated. My anxiety stems from my knee and the pain. Why don't we just treat the pain? I have an easier time thinking through the haze of a pain killer than I do through the flatline of life the is the psych drugs. I fail to understand why the medical community is so quick to provide the head drugs but not the pain drugs. I think if I was going to develop a problem with painkillers I'd be there by now.

So that brings me to 2009. I put on 8 pounds this year (165 this morning) and most of that since August. :-( I know, I know, in the great scheme of things, nbd. But is is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL to me. My normal has changed and I feel just awful at this size. I notice the gain in my knees and the way that I stand. I would be immobile by now if I was still 345. But I'm not and I know what I need to do to get back into living life. The pain sucked a lot of life from me this year and I don't want the next 8 to be the same. I would hate to waste my 30's to pain the way my 20's were lost to being too fat to live life.

I see a physical therapist on the 31st. I'm so far out of shape at this point I think I might hurt myself if I don't get some strength back. Wether I can get myself to a point where I can comfortably work out remains to be seen. But this is my hope for 2009. I want to be active again.