Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Buck Up

That's what I keep saying to myself. Last week flew by-- it was lots of fun. There was a beach day, 100+ miles on my bike, a visit with M's family on the weekend and a boat cruise. Plus all the errands associated with not working I was amazed at how quickly it went.

And then it was Monday.

I saw the Doctor yesterday. I wish I weren't so damn bitter. Two years ago I was getting in shape, working out my knee in anticipation of my third ACL replacement. I was fit and excited to get back some stability and buy myself some more time before a TKR. We all know how that ended. Three surgeries later I was told the bone graft is healing well and that it's probably time to refer me to the joint guy. Sigh. So much to consider and I need more information. I left the office in tears as usual but tried to perk up.

I don't know what insurance companies or surgeons consider a good quality of life. But supposedly when your starts to suffer you can get a new knee. Exercise doesn't seem to have that much of an impact. And by that I mean it doesn't make it any less or more painful. If anything it helps keep the crap from building up in there. Crap could be anything, fluid, bone, cartilage etc. The doctor said that just because I could ride 20 miles a day doesn't mean I should be. That annoyed me. I want to be able to do these things. At 31 I should be able to do these things and more. I am pretty damn fit for someone whose lost 185 pounds. But that weight doesn't stay off by itself. I need to be active and I wonder-- how long can I keep up living my life, the way I want to, before my leg just craps out. Am I supposed to live my thirties in constant pain when there are things out there that could help me now.

When I had my last ACL surgery one of the motivating reasons was the surgeon told me that I would lose my mobility by time I was 40 if I didn't do something about the instability. So I did and no I am even worse off. I suppose it's another post but I must figure out a way to forgive that guy for f*cking up my knee the way he did. Not everyone is the perfection that was Dr. Doneldson. I miss that guy. He never blew me off, never ignored my tears about pain and always made me feel like I wasn't crazy when it came to my knee. My Doctor now is a product of the health care system.... and I think he feels bad he sent me to that butcher. I can't wait to see who he refers me to next. Maybe the right surgeon is out there. But in the meantime I do need to just get over it. The pity party needs to end. Besides I've eaten all the party snacks.

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