Things I Am NOT Okay With

2013 is the year I finally fix my knee. 

ACI and an osteotomy to come... 

Time to get ready. 

I'm okay with it

Body Parts

How broken do I have to be?

When I saw my Ortho back in June he said, "Come back and see me when you are ready to do something." Not an exact quote but pretty damn close. I thought okay... I had just spent the entirety of the appointment saying no to everything he could offer me except for PT.  PT was an AWESOME experience this past summer.  Shame on me for not keeping up with my home exercises, but it really did improve my overall functionality.  The release of my IT band was worth the physical pain and the emotional hassle of finding someone to watch my Brie.

Imagine my ____________ when I saw him last week and he was all, let's get an MRI.  Really?  Another MRI?  What on earth could you possibly see in there that would changed anything.  I reminded him that there is all sorts of distortion etc and he said that's fine...  We'll do it anyways.  Frankly I feel like I am being put off.  I don't know why I have this feeling but I do.  He also said a few other things that stuck with me, this gem, "Your knee does not respond well to surgery."  Yeah, no shit, that's how I got here. And also this, "We can follow up via email." Since I didn't make the appointment with the MRI peeps right away I had to call back his secretary. She surprisingly scheduled me a followup for the day of the MRI.  I am so tempted to blow it off.  It's next Tuesday...  I have some time to decide, but I think I'll go because I'm hurting.

I mean really hurting. The lighting is kind of crappy but I took a couple pictures of my knee two nights ago because I was trying to get a good picture of how small my left leg is compared to right one. What I ended up with instead was a punch to the gut.  I think it's the weight loss.  My knee is a ball of arthritis, I knew this was the case, but it is so physically obvious now.  This picture makes me want to gain weight, so that I can't see the swelling around the joint.  I know that's silly, but it is sort of how I felt about my excess skin.  This need to disguise or hide it by plumping back up the rest of me.  I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself and honestly I really would like to lose ten more pounds.  Less weight will still hopefully equal less pain. 

I know that I wanted to go five years knee surgery free...  but I just don't know that I'll make it.  There are all sorts of ways to finesse that number but fact is that on December 1st it will be six years (OMG SIX YEARS) since I had the third ACL try.  In March of next year it will have been 4 years since anyone was last in the joint capsule and that was only for a peek to make sure my wonky bone graft wasn't doing anything weird on the inside.  My knee is full of scar tissue and random flotsam and jetsam.  I have osteophytes every where and my whole knee is just a disaster.  I was informed by a really nice Twitter peep that since the whole knee is an issue that MRI won't really pinpoint my pains.  I'd believe it, even still I'd like to understand what is wrong in there.  Knowing the mechanical glitches helps me process pain.

I need to courage up and ask about the long range plan in specifics. If I was 70 they'd be, here have a new knee.  But I'm half that and honestly my knee doesn't respond well to surgery.  Not sure what I'll do, but I need to make a plan.  Too much worry is being wasted on what ifs right now.

Today was one of those days that I feared.

As I got further into my thirties people would often ask about our plans for children.  We had talked about it and I had said years ago if I was going to, I wanted a baby by 35.  But life happened and I was sinking underneath the pain of my knee and my husband's hearing was getting worse as the years passed.  I had convinced myself that we were two people who had come together to take care of one another. I make no secret of the fact that Brie is a vacation souvenir. She was the Universe's way of saying, "Hey Kids! Get out of your own way!"

I can't believe she will be one in three days.  Seems impossible.  As I sit here in a crazy amount of pain tonight I think, one year down, how many more to go?  I'm actually pretty pleased I got this far without having one of those days I feared. One of those days where it was physically hard to care for her. I actually did have a few of these earlier this winter and that's when I took action and got myself into shape.

However now that I have muscle I'm dismayed that today still sucked.  I woke up with unexplained medial pain, stiffness and swelling.  Last night's work out was no different than any other I've been through this year and yet today was one of the hardest I've had in years. I'm ashamed to say that I napped this am during her nap and she was up before I was.  Happily chilling in her crib, but I still felt bad.  We had lunch at home and then it was off to visit Daddy.  I leaned on the stroller for our walk to get his lunch. I've had more pills than I should today and I'll replace the Lidocain patch with another after my shower. Pharmaceuticals have left me numb and somewhat short tempered. Bath time was uber short tonight because I couldn't kneel next to the tub, more guilt, it is one of her favorite parts of the day. After that it was back in the car to run a couple more errands, CSA and CVS. I couldn't fathom getting up and down off the floor tonight.  Too much, even with the pain management. 

I want tomorrow to be better.  Like every day I will put one foot in front of the other... But still, I fear more days like today.  It is profoundly important to me that we be active together. If even if she's not walking yet I want to be active with her.  I don't want her to go through what I did as a kid...  I am afraid she will pay for my stubbornness, for my years of disuse and abuse. 

So I'll try again tomorrow.  If I've learned anything it's that my pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully tomorrow it will be less.  Regardless, she deserves the best of me. 

The "Fit" part of FitBloggin'

It's no secret that I'm not exactly YaY!!!! Fitness!!!! While I am now convinced that it is a non-negotiable part of being healthy it has not been an easy place to arrive at.  I haven't blogged much about my change in attitude this year because I haven't been able to find the right words.  Back in June my trainer asked me to write a testimonial, he asked again this evening.  To sum up, he's changed my life. But that's another post.

I was nervous about the workouts at FitBloggin'. Could I do it? Could my beat up knee handle it? While I've been working out twice a week since February I wasn't really sure where my fitness level was in comparison. In comparison to what I don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I came back up from DC on Friday morning with an EPIC hangover and all I wanted to do was sweat it out. I hustled to get back for the Crossfit workout only to stand around for 30 minutes and workout for 6. Really? This is Crossfit? Air squats, sit ups, burpees and pushups?  Maybe it's different in a Crossfit gym but I was totally unimpressed. I did finally try on the Reebok sneakers though and wore them tonight. Loved them! Much better than my walking sneakers for what we do in my gym.

I wasn't planning on doing the Cathe Friedrich workout Friday morning but after the disappointing Crossfit experience I needed to sweat and hustle. She provided exactly that. I have no coordination nor do I have any speed but I still had a ton of fun. Some things were super easy, like the bands and some stuff was super hard, like the squats with the discs. I had been doing squats in PT this summer with a laminated piece of paper so I was happy to discover that there is actually a piece of equipment I can get for this purpose. Workout DVDs have never been my thing, but being a new mom, I can see myself giving them a shot.

After those two workouts my knee was feeling it.  I iced for the rest of the morning, 20 mins on 20 mins off 3 times.  I took a picture and was SHOCKED to see my quad.

Saturday was more workouts but this time sans hangover. My one big fitness regret of this conference is that I did not get up for Erin's bootcamp. I psyched myself out of it after watching her online videos... She was in front of me during the Cathe Friedrich workout and I was in awe of her strength and power. When I put the two together I was all No Way! Turns out Erin is one of the nicest sweetest people ever. I took one picture of myself with someone else at FitBloggin and it was with her. I really wish this had been taken after that bootcamp. Now I know. Self doubt is still a problem for me. 

My favorite workout was by far and away the Fit Trampoline session put on by Jump Sport Saturday morning. It was led by one of the most charismatic fitness instructors I've ever seen. Not that I've seen many, but wow, Jeff was awesome. I was hesitant to try it because of my knee issues but once it was explained to me that this is about pushing down rather than jumping up I was sold. Not that jumping up and down on a trampoline wasn't fun and totally freeing (omg I got air) but the glutes, hamstrings and quads really got a workout. I tweeted this picture of me in hopes of winning of a trampoline and even though I didn't, I love this picture. That smile on my face is pure happy endorphins. 

Next up was Zumba and I really wanted to love it. I hated it. It was rough on the knee and I'm not sure if that's because I had done a bunch of stuff already but... wow.  I already knew I was not coordinated from the Cathe Friedrich experience but Zumba took it too a whole new level. Hips and rhythm and I don't have it. About fifteen minutes in I took a wrong step trying to keep an eye on Sue.  Tweaked I was done. I went upstairs to shower and snapped some more pictures.  I loved the full length mirrors in the rooms at the Hyatt (and also in the bathroom).  Not often I get to see myself full length and can check out my awkward angles and sagging skin, but this is me. And my messy hotel room. 

The last fitness opportunity was the 5k on Sunday morning.  Normally distance is not a problem for me.  I walk all the time.  Several miles several times a week usually pushing a stroller.  Sunday morning I woke and unfortunately was clicking with every step.  I think it had to do with the shoes I had on in this picture below.  What you can't see because of the pose is the Lidocain patch.  I love those things but as I explained to a Baltimore Raven hitting on me in the elevator they give me confidence I shouldn't necessarily have... He complimented me on my shoes. It's been years since I've worn a pair of heels with confidence. 

I hemmed and hawed over which distance to do but in the end was glad I went with the mile. Our small group included two of my most favorite people from the weekend. Shauna and Sue. Meeting these two is a whole other post but what a way to finish up my weekend. :) 

It was a surprise to me how much I loved the fitness part of FitBloggin'. It gave me a chance to try out exercises I never would have otherwise and I was thrilled to discover that I am actually in pretty decent shape. I've been building up slowly since February and it was neat to be able to just do. I sweat for sure and even sucked some wind (Affirmative!) but overall I kept up just fine. What a fantastic opportunity I had to show myself that I am capable.  I may have the knee of an 80 year old but I can still use my body.

I went to FitBloggin'

And here is what I learned:

I am relevant.

Roni tossed it out there on Twitter back in late August.

My response annoys me now.

I have so much more to say but I'm exhausted and tomorrow is a big day in my world. I talked a lot about my knee this weekend and tomorrow I start plotting next surgical steps. I hope to have a couple of different posts up about the Fit part of FitBloggin and also one about all the wonderful people I got to meet. What a fantastic treat to interact with all these people I've known online for years in person. 

 

Summer

What a great summer.  I am in the best shape I have ever been.  I took about a month off from the weight loss efforts...  Travel and then more travel.  I saw 147 for a moment and then bounced.  Back to 148 this am so headed in the right direction again.  At 5'7.5" this is a good weight for me but my knee thinks I still might like to be a bit lighter.
I've overcome that pop with some intensive physical therapy and more sessions with trainer. I'm on the fence about what is next for my knee.  So much of this is about personal motivation but I can't help but think I might benefit from a cleaning out.  That would make surgery number 12 on the left knee. I have to say that I am DAMN PROUD of myself that I didn't put on any weight as a result of that injury. I just kept working through it.  If you haven't gotten the food figured out then you can not rely on exercise to keep weight off.  Bouncing 10-15-20 pounds as the result of an injury over the course of a couple months.  Yeah, that's not me.  Shouldn't be you either.  But alas, I've seen a lot of it this year on the internets.

IT'S THE FOOD PEOPLE!

Acute vs Chronic

Over a week ago my knee popped.  Haven't been able to go upstairs since.  Always something.  Finally made the appointment to see my Ortho on the 19th.  It's been 2 1/2 years since last look.
In other news I'm down to 154.  ONE FIFTY FOUR. I have arrived squarely on the other side of my wardrobe. Everything is too big.  It's an okay problem to have, this is uncharted territory for me!!!

More Health Care Worries

I am trying to define all of my OA.  I'd like a baseline of where I am now so that in 10, 20 years I can note the progression.  I have no idea what all my healthcare $$$ pay for, but I feel like getting good appropriate care is freaking hard to do.  My PCP referred me back to my old Ortho, Dr. B. for my back.  Umm, no.  I wrote her back a terse email, saying basically I'd rather continue to hurt. She then placed referral for another Ortho and when I called to make appointment the woman on phone was all, "He doesn't do backs." Ugh, yes, I know.  But he is apparently an expert in arthritis. Hoping he'll listen to what I have to say and if he can't help, maybe knows someone who can.  Really I don't want to be "treated" I just want to define this.  How much, where, how far along?  Having answers to these questions will help me process the pain.

I think I'm grumpy because I fell last Saturday.  Jarring as always. Thank goodness I wasn't carrying my baby. And thank goodness for her.  Some how I was blessed with one of the happiest smiliest babies ever.

Healthcare

I spend a lot of time worrying about healthcare in this country.  I can't help it.  Maybe I follow to many doctors on Twitter or have had too many conversation with my mother about the future of healthcare while she pursues her PhD in Healthcare Administration.  It's scary.  We have not yet seen the bottom, not even close. I will freely admit that my current weight loss, past the baby weight and hopefully through the gain from ACL fail #3 is motivated by fear.  Fear that someday healthcare will be a moral judgement. Can I maintain motivated by fear?  Unlikely, but hopefully I can get to a weight where I don't ache constantly. Being in less pain is always motivating.

Eating well has calmed my body down and the working out has vastly improved my strength and stability, but the ache persists.  A friend told me yesterday I am too young to be in so much pain.  I don't think that if you look at me you see it.  Maybe if I were still heavy one would.  But as is.  Nope.  I think that's why I am struggling to get some help from my PCP.  I like this woman, but what am I paying for?  I just want answers, I don't want to be fixed.  I'm smart enough to know that I can't be "fixed." I hate being a heavy user of healthcare but I want to know how far along some of this OA is, how much worse can it get?  I'd prefer to never see another doctor again (unless it's a plastic surgeon) but I can't get away with that.  This body that I abused for so long needs maintenance to keep it running.

Pep talk over, time to make some calls.

I bumped my head

Last Friday morning I was changing Brie and leaned over to pick a bottle she had knocked off the edge.  With the full force of bending down I smacked my head on the wall.  Black. Then searing pain, lots of tears & and more pain and things I can't really remember saying.  I'm very much, don't touch me!!! when I'm hurt...  I managed to make it to the bedroom and had to lay down.  I had the baby on the bed with me and thought I was okay.  I tried to get up after my husband left for work and couldn't see straight. I ended up calling 911.

My baby was a champ.  I felt so bad for scaring her.  She cried when I cried and the fear in her little face will stick with me for quite some time.  The cop arrived first, then the EMTs.  They strapped me to a back board, got her in her baby bucket and off we went to the local hospital. I asked the EMT what she was doing, smiling he said.  She was amazing the whole time.  I think once she knew her mama was being taken care of she settled down and enjoyed the newness.  My Mom showed up at the hospital about an hour later and she was taking her morning nap. Aw. Nurses kept coming by to take a peek, they don't often see happy smiley babies.

I'm still not feeling like myself. My head still aches. I can't imagine using a hair brush but I did gingerly wash it last night.  My sleep is ALL MESSED UP.  I'm crazy tired and not staying asleep real well.  Saturday night I slept for 9 hours straight, but I won't tell you what I took to accomplish that. I woke up in a panic on Sunday morning at 5am convinced that I hadn't pressed any suits or washed any white shirts for my husband to wear to the office.  I'm hoping to start feeling like myself again.  I feel anxious and agitated and icky.  I hate feeling icky.

Eating through the weekend was minimal but it was a lot of things not on the weight loss plan.  I'm fine with that.  My poor brain needed sugar, I ate all the fruits yesterday. Back on the wagon today, sitting at 164.  That's fine.  It's up a tiny bit, but my body is all out of whack, it'll settle back down.

I need to be more careful.  And I need to be nicer to myself.

Moving on

I hit my pre pregnancy weight a week or so ago.  Yay!  As I have said, I can't cart around a fat baby and baby fat at the same time.  I am happy to put that behind me and keep going.
I'm at 165 right now, 10 more pounds to happy weight and 15 to low end of goal.  I think this is probably easily attainable.
It's easy to get caught up in on plan and off plan and bad and good... I'm trying to keep perspective.  Can't deny that I feel better though.  I'm giving much thought to how I eat when I get to maintenance again. I think it will have to be different.

Paying attention

Vitalicious has a pretty big social media presence.  Too bad the people in charge of their Twitter feed aren't paying attention.  This retweet today basically says to me we really just want your money.  

I know it's a big leap... but I think that companies should be responsible for what they put out there and what they retweet.  This chick is very clearly proana.  Is this something that they want to be associated with?  Probably not, but for a flash they are.  And in that one instance, they lost a customer.

Edited to add:

And now they've won me back.  Got these responses this morning. When I back off this low carb thing they will once again be in my freezer. 

We all have off days

I am surprised I have lasted as long as I have on this "diet".  Yesterday was my first day that was not entirely what it should have been.  The things they don't tell you after you have a baby...  Your cycle won't be regular for quite some time. My hormones still feel so totally out of whack.  I've been back on my birth control for 3 months and every time has had breakthrough bleeding.  I'm sort of over two week periods. Before Brie it was a short 4 dyas, I was so regular. I think that's how I knew I was pregnant so early. But now... Ugh, over this.  The bloat, the cramps, the irritability.

I self medicated with ice cream last night.  320 calorie for 1/2 cup ice cream!  I had about half a cup before I went to bed and woke up with a screaming headache and achey joints.  Geeze, coincidence?  I think not.

So back up on the wagon today.  I'm half way through this journey and ready to see a body I've never seen before. I'm really pleased with my progress and not ready to quit. It was just one evening and one serving of ice cream.  I'm sure there will be more, but right now, I've got work to do.

Motivating numbers

When the trainer weighed me on his scale back at the beginning of March I was 191 and this morning I was 171. That's a 20 pound loss in about nine weeks!  More than what my own scale is telling me actually, which is 185ish to 167ish.  I say ish because my scale, well it has ish. I saw 167.8 and 168.4 this morning!  This thrills me, I was 166 on my scale when I got pregnant.  I'm basically back.  I know, blah blah blah, don't get caught up by the numbers, but you know what?  F*ck that. I'm motivated, and I want to see 150.

My body fat percentage has gone from 33% to 27%.  Average is 25%-33%...  If I could get to 24%, that's umm, the fitness category.  We'll see.  I've never been YaY!!!! FITNESS.  But that's changing.  Slowly.

I need to figure out how to keep up with the good thing I have going on, but right now, I get another 20 sessions with the trainer.  This is costing an arm and a leg, but I haven't done anything for my health lately that has made as big of a difference as this has.  Worth every penny, because she's priceless.

 

Last resort

Things not to read before just before your workout:

I whined the whole way through on Wednesday.  I'm better than that.

If you've read the article, all I could think was, What if that failed?

And my knee fucking hurts.

Saturday will be better.  Measuring body fat % again and that should be motivating.  Half way through, 15 pounds down and about 3 from pre pregnancy weight.  I'm super happy with my progress.



 

Better, for the moment.

The knee is never the same for very long.  Two weeks ago this Wednesday was a crazy workout.  I felt great, but my knee hated me. It's better now, but there is a new pain on the back side.  It's always something.  It will fade into the cacophony of other hurts and I'll move on to something else.  I wish I felt like the pace of falling apart was slowing down.  There have been definite times where the march towards disintegration has been faster than others.  Not doing anything, slowed it, but it was painful.  Doing stuff to keep it working, also painful.  And sort of speedy.

One of these days it will slow down.

I am aware

That I am complaining about how much I hurt lately.  Such a tradeoff.  Really, I just need to stfu about it because I am doing the best I can.

I have no idea where my kneecap is anymore.

It's hard to know what to say about these pictures.  I think my second plastic surgeon said it best, "It's an awareness issue."  I need to keep remembering that.  It's not pain, it's awareness.

Management

My knee, like my weight, needs to be managed.  End of story.  I know this now. There is nothing else to be done except to continue to make the time to keep myself strong and active.

Still, I wish people would stop telling me that I'll hurt less because I am stronger.  Let's not forget all the other things that are wrong in there besides the OA.  I heard it AGAIN today.  I just.... ugh.  That's nice that you are hopeful, but I live daily with pain that when I am still can bring tears to my eyes.  Do me a favor and don't gloss over that fact.
/rant

quality of life

It's crazy but I feel like a cohesive whole.  Well, mostly, there are some obvious trouble spots.  Overall though my increase in strength is making my life easier, even if still hurts.

crunch crunch.

More please!

I'm 12 sessions in to working with the personal trainer and I am very appreciative of this opportunity.  To work out with someone who knows what they are doing has been invaluable to me.  I needed this.  I still need this.  I'm being pushed but not to the extreme.  He has been careful about helping me build up quad strength while making sure the rest of me is toning up as well.  He also listens to me go on and on about how much I hurt.  That's helpful even if I am a bit of a broken record.

I'm trying SO HARD not to be a bitter betty about the pain...  But I am disappointed that my knee feels worse not better.  Is this another one of those lies?  Lose weight!  Get active!  All your troubles will magically disappear!  Yeah notsomuch.  My left knee is getting more ball like by the day.  If you've ever seen an arthritic joint you know what I mean.  I had forgotten how bad it is really... the extra pounds of fat and lack of muscle in my thighs was hiding the shape.

I bought a Bosu Ball to use at home.  I can't tell you how many different PT offices I have used one of these in.  It's not really a ball, but like half a ball.  Great for stability training.  My left leg needs some additional work and so I shall.  Seriously?  Who am I?

Days 4-6

Meal 1
1 whole egg
2 oz lean ham
1 container plain greek yogurt

Meal 2
1/2 cup whole milk
1 scoop whey protein
1/2 cup milk

Meal 3
3 oz lean turkey breast
1 tomato
3 cups romaine
1 cup cucumbers

Meal 4
1/2 oz raw almonds
4 oz chicken thighs

Meal 5
4 oz extra lean ground turkey
2 cups baby spinach
1/2 cup chopped onion

Meal 6
1T natural peanut butter
2 celery sticks

I've gotten through days 1-3 again and it's honestly been okay, pretty good actually.  I know the protein is helping me stay less hungry.  I'm bulking up with veggies (above and beyond what he talks about) and that is also helping me stay full.  You only have to go a couple of hours though.  I'm like the baby right now.  When she eats I eat. :)

Last week I modified these days a bit, skipped the almonds and added veggies to my chicken thighs and ate that as a dinner.  This also allowed me 2 T of peanut butter which is more filling.  I weigh the pb out in grams in a snack sized plastic bag and bring along a bag of pre cut & washed celery sticks.  Then I simply rip a tiny corner off and squeeze the PB right onto the celery.  Quick, easy and more or less clean when you are on the go!

I find myself really missing red meat.  We bought a grill and have used it every day since....  I have no problems making something different for my husband, but there is just something about the smell of a steak!  Cookies, ice cream, carbs of all kinds are really easy to ignore, but I had a hard time with his steak the other night.

This won't last forever.  My sister will be joining me next week which is kind of exciting. Happy to have someone else along for the ride.

I'm still wrestling with the should I even be "dieting" thoughts.  FUCK THAT.  Pardon my language but I need to say it.  Everyone's journey is different.  I know this will work for me.  I am clearly not a statistic, I'm an outlier.  Once again, I will be that.  There was a sad stat in my lifecycle class last summer about how many women lose the baby weight within a year.  It's not very high.

Besides feeling like I have something to prove I just need to get it off.  I've got a baby to lug around and she's far more fun than extra pounds!  The knee is holding up, but it hurts.  A lot. I keep waiting for it to hurt less.  I think I'll be waiting a good long while.



So in the mean time, I work out twice a week with the trainer, I continue to walk with my baby, either pushing the stroller where I can or wearing her on the trails.  But as always, it has to be about the food.

I've got this.

Range

Pick one.
181.6 - the weight I've seen since last Wednesday.
180.4 - the weight I saw for the first time yesterday (This time around)
or
179.8!!!

These were the three weights I saw when I weighed myself this morning.  My scale, not the greatest. But I'm happy with that range after a week of effort.  Clearly my scale has a memory.

I don't recall the 180's much.  I was here briefly on my way down in 2004. My excess skin was a huge drag on me at this weight.  I felt skinny but had so much bulk in it.  Now, I feel skinny, but all the bulk is in my butt!  This is no doubt thanks to my plastic surgeries.

I'm feeling pretty awesome about myself.  My sister took some pictures this past weekend and my only complaints are how wonky my poor knee looks.  I'll add... my baby being able to sit by herself is the most awesome thing ever.

You can't lose while counting your maintenance calories.

I wonder how it will be on Sunday? It's my carb day.  Sweet potatoes and rice?  Yes please!
Currently I'm eating the 6 "meals" that are for days 4-6. A bit more fat and that's helping me be less hungry.  When I have more than a minute I'll write it down.

Ah-ha moment today.  Counting calories of the foods that I was eating in maintenance was not going to help me lose weight.  Not real weight anyways.

I've been to countless blogs lately that make me want to scream through my screen "Y U NO TALK ABOUT MAINTENANCE?

It's a post in itself. You can't be a weight loss blogger forever if you've come even remotely close to goal.  I saw one woman totally get that this week and I love her for it.  The internets needs more women like her, but the rest.  Ugh.  I'm annoyed.  I don't care about your bounce pounds... They are most likely a result of your denial of maintenance.  Get off the weight loss wagon and live your life maintaining! They are two different skills, you can't ignore that if you want to live with food.

/rant.
Bedtime.

Just say no

It's currently pretty easy to say no to food because it's not on my plan.  Not a protein or veggie? Then no.  I'm able to modify a bit, I've been out to lunch yesterday and Tuesday and I've gotten a salad with grilled chicken.  Eaten half the chicken and called it a day.  Ever ask a server what portion of meat they put on a salad?  I can eyeball 4 and 6 ounces pretty easily, but it helps to know the starting point sometimes.

Will I be able to keep this up?  I think so.  I have husband support and as my trainer said to me last night, "It's just food."  Indeed.  A month or two of this is not the end of the world.  

3rd starting point

This is where I am starting.  My scale actually gave me three different numbers this morning.  185.6 and 185 also, but I happily took a picture of the lower number. For record keeping though I'll stick with the 185.  It's amazing to me that I have been able to stay here with no thought or effort, just by being me since November.  The fluid came off quick... but the rest has to be all me.  I'm finally ready.

I'm three meals in.  Anyone want to share their favorite protein powder? The one I used this morning made me want to gag.

Days 1-3

Meal 1
4 egg whites
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 cup broccoli

Meal 2
2 scoops Whey protein

Meal 3
1 can Tuna (in water)
2 cups red pepper

Meal 4
6 oz. chicken breast
1 cup green beans

Meal 5
6 oz. halibut
2 cups baby spinach
1 cup asparagus

Meal 6
2 scoops Whey protein

I chatted with the trainer about his meal plan on Saturday during my session.  Adding veggies is fine (obv not the starchy ones) and I will be doing that.  He also said it's okay to be moving meals as long as you eat every few hours and get them all in.  Meal 2 will most likely be what I start with... It's just easier.  Meal 1, the egg whites will be an omelet  with some added spinach when the baby takes her am nap.  Tuna... This will be a "salad" type thing with added diced onion, celery, and little bit of shredded carrot.  I'll also add a wee bit of mustard and if I get desperate, a T of greek yogurt. I plan on eating the peppers as strips, but will also get some yellow and orange ones as well.  Eat the rainbow and all that. Meal 4 will potentially be a stir fry type thing, and to help my own cause I'll be cutting up the chicken strips and cooking them before hand.  Added will be garlic and some lemon. Meal 5 will be pretty plain, nothing too much to gussy up there.  I was reading up on the best way to cook the halibut, looks like searing in the pan and finishing in the over.  Perfect!  I have pans for that purpose. Last but not least the day will end with another protein shake.  I HATE protein powder.  I'd prefer something else and am actively looking for a replacement, but not a lot of things have 25 grams of protein in approximately 200 calories. Still, I can do it this week.

So that's that.  What's required of me...  Preparation and THOUGHT!  The last part is key.  Every time I'm tempted it's just about making the choice.  I'll admit I'm kind of concerned that this won't work... but it should.  I know I can keep the weight off, I just need to get there.  I do not doubt my ability to maintain, but I am a little nervous that I won't be able to lose.

As always, weight loss, such a mental mind fuck.

I do not want to think about food.

I'm looking forward to the diet.  Craziness.  But different things work for different people at different times in their life.  There is no one size fits all way to lose weight.  I expect this to work for me.  I'm ready and willing and it requires very little thought.

I've popped the meal plan into myplate.gov so I could get a look at what I'd be deficient in... Obviously some things, but it's cleaner eating than what I have been taking in.  Just because it's made with organic ingredients and no preservatives doesn't mean it's good for you...  A cookie is still a cookie.

I'm feeling less overwhelmed by the new Momness but still just as busy.  I'm far more concerned with what (or not) and how my daughter eats than my own food.  If I was still single with all the free time in the world it would be different.  But I'm not and so I need to have a different tactic.

I wonder why I feel the need to justify.  I think because all I have read lately is that dieting is bad bad BAD FOR YOU!  Meh, maybe if you are already a healthy weight and heavily influenced by Glossies...  Dieting is not the worst thing you can do for yourself, it has in fact saved many of us.

I realize losing twenty pounds in not going to save my life the way losing 185 pounds did.  I do believe it will make me happier and healthier though.  Less weight it always a good thing on this broken body and getting back the headspace that I'm currently giving to thoughts of "I'm fat" is certainly going to make me happier.  I don't have to accept this body as the way it's going to be for the rest of my life no way.

Date night dinner was AMAZING!  We went to No. 9 Park had an app, main course and dessert. It was just enough at each course to feel happily full at the end of the meal without feeling like I had overdone it.  I was afraid I'd be all MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS knowing that I was starting a diet on Monday but that has so not been the case.

I still believe I am cured, just need to get this baby weight off!

Restrictive dieting

Brain dump ahead.

The trainer I am working with will provide you with a meal plan aimed at keeping metabolism humming and confused. The gist of it, Days 1-3 70% Protein, 15% each fat and carbs.  Days 4-6 is 50% protein, 30% fat and still 15% carbs.  The last day is 25% protein, 20% fat and 55% carbs.  I think my numbers don't exactly match his on the last day but it's close enough.  Average daily calories is 1250.  YIKES!!!

So back in the day, about this time of year in 2000 I was eating 1200 calories give or take in a day.  I did that for well over a year and a half getting back down to 240.  I think about it now and I am amazed I persevered for so long.  Maybe that's just the benefit of time?  Was it hard?  It must have been,  still,  I must have done it.  I motivated EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY.  And almost everyday I ate 1200 calories. I have my food diary from then.  Lots of veggies.  Lots and lots of veggies.  SO few calories.

Anyways, back to now.  As a wannabe RD I follow a bunch of actual RD's on Twitter, a bunch of ppl who have been to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, many a folk who have basically hung out their own shingle and various other ppl at all stages of their journey.  I like the maintainers who know they should be maintaining the best.  (Think about it)  Those who need to lose weight largely talk about dieting.  The RD's saying you shouldn't diet, it's bad for you, it only leads to an eating disorder.  Maybe? I don't think so.

I am going to attempt to follow his plan for as long as I can.  I'm allowed to add spices.  :)  I get a little nervous about eating the same thing over and over for several days at a time, but in reality when I lost weight before, I was doing exactly that.  Also, knowing what I know, I'll ask and see about a few substitutions, for example, I need more Iron from my salad greens!

I think I'm ready to add in the diet part of this. The exercise is not only making me strong, it's also making me feel guilty.  I shouldn't be eating like crap when I need to be actually fueling my body. When you are merely existing it's easy to be complacent. Edited to add that his plan appeals to me because I won't have to think about it.  I just follow and eat.  That's okay to do.  I know this.

I'm still kind of hard on myself.  But in reality, I'm doing all right. 185.6 this morning.  I want that number to move.  It will take concerted effort, and yes, dieting mentality.  I need to kick it out of maintenance mode for the moment.  Clearly I can do that, no matter what the weight.  I will add 185 to the list of pounds where I can hang, it includes 165 and 240.

The when.  I think Monday of next week.  I know it's cliche, a Monday.  Don't care.  My mom is sponsoring an overnight date night for my husband and I this weekend.  Will be at a B&B in the city and she'l be with my little girl.  It'll be hard to leave her but I'm looking forward to the time with my husband.

She's 5 months today. And I hear her.  Perfect timing.  One last edit:

A month in...

I have muscles.  I had forgotten.  It's nice to know they are there.  Pushups (still modified) are cracking up my baby girl.  Even though the laughs get stuck in her belly.  The fact that I can now do a pushup is pretty awesome.  I'm not sure what exactly I will do to keep this up after these sessions are over, down the road it's something the trainer and I will talk about.  I can't wait to see how far I can get.

So, the ah-ha!  (It's actually not all that profound) I've been cheating myself.  Somewhere along the line I just said "fuck it" to the exercise.  This was a mistake.  But it's hard to motivate when you are in pain.  It's hard to know how to help yourself when you've been so broken.  I'm still convinced that weight loss (and maintenance especially) is 85% what you put in your mouth.  But you can't ignore your body.  Like the brain, you have to use every day.  We are not built to be lumps on logs.  We are meant to jump and run and play.  Some of these things I can't do, but doesn't mean I can't do SOMETHING.  That's the key here.  I say it all the time about food, every little bit helps, those small choices add up to something big.  The same has to be true of exercise.  Hopefully someday I can get to the point where I just live active, like I live with food.  I'm not there yet, but I hope to find myself there some day.

And if anyone I went to high school is reading this... I'm thinking of exercise as an effort grade.  I was at 4, I need to be a 2 at minimum.  :)

Work in progress as always.

I've had an exercise ah-ha!

Thoughts to come.

4 sessions in and...

I am no longer afraid of my stairs.  I am purposefully keeping my knee over my ankle with every step up and every step down instead of careening down the stairs or pulling myself up with the banister. I have hope for my physical self.  That's something I haven't had in a long time.  I had forgotten what it is like to use your muscles.  It's so easy to be complacent.  To lounge.  You don't have to be 345 pounds to be in shit shape.

I am 65 pounds of fat.

And 120something lbs of lean body mass.  I (of course) weigh more on his scale (although being honest on my own I'm like 188) but that's okay.  I am encouraged by our slow start.  I am sore today but not overly so.  Progress is going to be incremental but that's also okay.  It took me 5 years before... this 35 pounds is nothing in the great scheme of things.

I like this guy and his facility.  It's been a long time since I looked at my body in the mirror like that.  Legs are all cellulite and my arms have wings.  My knee cap doesn't move.  At all.  I find my knee to be the hardest thing to look at in the mirror.  It looks even less like it should than it ever has.  The fat, I can fix that, and even the skin.  But the disfigured leg.  Here for good, only getting worse.

I may have made peace with my weight over the years but I have not made peace with my knee or the pain that emanates from it.

Although, currently, I am not at peace with my weight.  I'm creeping upwards and feel like if I don't squish it now....  Yeah.  I feel those old bad thoughts about my self seeping in, the self loathing, the negativity.  It's such a cycle.  Doesn't help that I'm still having some personal problems.  My self worth is about as low as it gets.  But I've got this little one... and she's relying on me totally.

So I get up every day, one foot in front of the other.

I can do it.

I hired a personal trainer

I'm scared shitless.   I have never paid anyone or organization to help me lose weight before.  But I am so far gone physically... That this seems like the best option.  We'll see after the first session.  I bought 20!!!!  and so have three months in which to use them.  I'll report back when I get home.  Just tossing my fear onto the internets in hopes that it makes it less.

He'll be measuring my body fat with skin calipers!

What I meant to say...

Is that I have forgotten how hard it is to lose weight.  Not that I have forgotten how.  Different.

All the same tools and know how still apply. Track your lesser eats and move more.

Hello again...

I stepped on the scale this morning and I am right back at 185.  Sigh.  Effort, I need to be making more of it.  I've been thinking a lot about losing and maintenance lately. I prefer the latter.  Took a long time to get there and once I arrived... felt like I was here for good.  

I don't want to maintain 185.  I've done a few things to make myself comfortable here and I wonder if that's keeping me from losing.  Unlikely.  I'd rather be comfortable in my clothes and look good when I walk out the door than be stuffed like a sausage or draped in maternity clothes.  I've bought several skirts in size 14 from the thrift store and eBay.  Keeping me me is important.  Especially post baby. 

Maybe I am too far removed from the losing?  Maybe I just have to pretend that never happened?  But it did, and that journey has implications for my future.  I know it's not exactly duplicatable, but there must be something I learned that I can apply to my current situation.  

I feel like I have forgotten how to lose weight.

Could she be any cuter?

She makes me want to be a better me.

Baby Weight

I have confidence in me.  I can do this.
It was also nice to have my PCP tell me today that it's okay... It takes a while for it to come off.  I was thankful for the reminder.

I'm down two pounds since the beginning of the year. I'll take it.

Big Food + Big Pharma = $$$ for Paula Deen

So, Paula Deen officially has diabetes mellitus.

Way back when I had a job I worked in BD for a small pharma company and so I am naturally interested in today's announcement.  I would LOVE to see the terms of her contract with Novo Nordisk.  I am quite sure Paula is about to not only be on your TV's and in your grocery store, but also in your doctor's office.  I have to say I am profoundly uncomfortable with the timing of her announcement when she has the nerve to say that talking money is garish.  She's going to make bucks off her disease and I am sure that Novo Nordisk will get a bump in sales with her endorsement.  Eat like Paula be medicated like Paula.  But most people do not have her means.  Diabetes is expensive.

I read the internets reaction to today's announcement with interest.  I think that Paula is making the most of her condition.  She will in fact have her cake and eat it too.  She has her son making money off this announcement as well.  His new show is just getting off the ground but the timing... well, draw your own conclusions.  He'll have a whole new audience with her revelation.  There are so many conflicting messages about obesity and diabetes and the like...  I think the expert in the linked article underestimates the public's need for a quick fix.

Again, eat like Paula, be medicated like Paula.

I don't do battle...

To me losing weight was the battle.  Not the maintenance.  I'm pretty comfy (yet not) at 185lbs.  I started off the year on the right foot, but don't seem to have the tracking and counting in me.  Nor do I currently have the discipline to limit myself to the 1200-1500 calories a day it is going to take me to lose this 20 lbs of baby weight and 10 lbs of pain.  Will I ever see 165 again?  155?  Yes, but I have no idea how long it will take me to get there.  I'm not in a huge hurry.  I like NOT obsessing about food... alas, obsession, is what required to lose.  I have too many other things to think about it feels like.  Losing weight and the subsequent years of maintenance freed up a lot of headspace.  I'm not so willing to give it back (albeit even temporarily) to food.

I've been at this for TWELVE YEARS now.  January of 2000 was when I first started coming down from 345.  Seven years I have been maintaing (except for this baby weight.)  And yet I almost feel like I am back at square one.  The past, is in the past.  This is a new me, a new journey.   

I can do it again, I know I can.  20 pounds is NOTHING compared to 185 pounds.  But like I just said, apples and oranges it seems to me.  There is no comparison. 

Time to head off to war. 

So THAT happened.

The holidays were a blur. Followed by the move and then a trip to Florida. Sprinkle in some personal problems and a lingering asthma attack amongst the little sleep and you have my last three weeks.

I'm beat. Physically and emotionally.

Moving on. Hello 2012. Nice to see you. This year I resolve to better manage my pain. That means exercise. It's nice to be able to settle in and start to explore the new house and neighborhood. I am VERY excited about the walking opportunities literally out my back door and across the street.  The baby and I went on our first walk last night, a quick 30 minute loop around a meadow.  Looking at the map I think I might be able to get all the way to the grocery store by going through the woods.  That would be pretty neat.  I do my best treating myself well when I have easy access to exercise and the grocery store.  I'm glad the push is over, ready for routine and I'm looking forward to 2012.