Sunday, February 5, 2012

I am 65 pounds of fat.

And 120something lbs of lean body mass.  I (of course) weigh more on his scale (although being honest on my own I'm like 188) but that's okay.  I am encouraged by our slow start.  I am sore today but not overly so.  Progress is going to be incremental but that's also okay.  It took me 5 years before... this 35 pounds is nothing in the great scheme of things.

I like this guy and his facility.  It's been a long time since I looked at my body in the mirror like that.  Legs are all cellulite and my arms have wings.  My knee cap doesn't move.  At all.  I find my knee to be the hardest thing to look at in the mirror.  It looks even less like it should than it ever has.  The fat, I can fix that, and even the skin.  But the disfigured leg.  Here for good, only getting worse.

I may have made peace with my weight over the years but I have not made peace with my knee or the pain that emanates from it.

Although, currently, I am not at peace with my weight.  I'm creeping upwards and feel like if I don't squish it now....  Yeah.  I feel those old bad thoughts about my self seeping in, the self loathing, the negativity.  It's such a cycle.  Doesn't help that I'm still having some personal problems.  My self worth is about as low as it gets.  But I've got this little one... and she's relying on me totally.

So I get up every day, one foot in front of the other.

I can do it.


Jane said...

ahhh you can do it! I'm not too happy with my body either, and that doesn't help the self esteem, which in my case has never been good! Hang in there, you can do it!

bbubblyb said...

You can do it, sorry I didn't get here sooner to comment. I know about falling in the hole. I keep playing your words in my head when I get discouraged "I can do it again, I know I can. 20 pounds is NOTHING compared to 185 pounds." You are so close to where you want to be just keep holding on and trying to move forward, you'll get there. POSITIVE THINKING!!! That really is the key. *hugs*