Tuesday, June 9, 2009

That was some dream

And as an old friend interpreted for me on Facebook, I have fear of being punished. I'd agree with that. I haven't been able to nap peacefully since this surgery and this afternoon was one of the worst dreams I have ever had. They have been following the same theme, someone is chasing me, they catch up to me, they beat the shit out of me and then I wake up. When I say beat the shit out of me, I mean with glass bottles, hammers, etc. Unrelenting anger is just pouring out of my attacker. Very scary stuff. Sometimes I wake up and sometimes I am rescued and then I wake up. Today I was rescued by Howie Long.
I think this one was particularly intense because I was looking at the pictures I took of me last week pre surgery. I never got any taken with an actual camera, all from my iPhone, but you'll get the idea. These were taken in Target, I really liked that skirt. On the old me it would have hid my hang just fine with all those ruffles, but the seams would have been bursting underneath. It was a a size 10 and you can see that it was too large in the waist. I'm about 163 in those pictures and I am 5'8". There are other pictures that show the bottom half, but I'm not ready to post those yet.

I know I am deserving and I did the right thing, my subconscious will catch up to that. I haven't really read anywhere about people struggling with this surgery mentally. It took me years to come to the conclusion that this was something I needed to do for me. In October I'll be at 5 years of maintenance-- most people are wanting this done right away. Not me. For some reason I think it's harder on us non bariatrics or non mommy tummy folks. I don't know why, but I struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment before doing this. And these feelings wern't related to my body, but over the fact that this was the only way that I was ever going to be normal. I know I look normal in some of these pictures, but I really wasn't. I hid it well.

1 comment:

HugeMD said...

I don't know how to get your subconscious caught up. It can't hurt to hear other people say how much you deserve this. You look great! You SO deserved to get rid of that extra skin you worked so hard to make happen! And can I say how brave I think you are to put this all out there! Thanks. You are truly an inspiration to all of us out here trying to do what you've done!