And as an old friend interpreted for me on Facebook, I have fear of being punished. I'd agree with that. I haven't been able to nap peacefully since this surgery and this afternoon was one of the worst dreams I have ever had. They have been following the same theme, someone is chasing me, they catch up to me, they beat the shit out of me and then I wake up. When I say beat the shit out of me, I mean with glass bottles, hammers, etc. Unrelenting anger is just pouring out of my attacker. Very scary stuff. Sometimes I wake up and sometimes I am rescued and then I wake up. Today I was rescued by Howie Long.
I think this one was particularly intense because I was looking at the pictures I took of me last week pre surgery. I never got any taken with an actual camera, all from my iPhone, but you'll get the idea. These were taken in Target, I really liked that skirt. On the old me it would have hid my hang just fine with all those ruffles, but the seams would have been bursting underneath. It was a a size 10 and you can see that it was too large in the waist. I'm about 163 in those pictures and I am 5'8". There are other pictures that show the bottom half, but I'm not ready to post those yet.
I know I am deserving and I did the right thing, my subconscious will catch up to that. I haven't really read anywhere about people struggling with this surgery mentally. It took me years to come to the conclusion that this was something I needed to do for me. In October I'll be at 5 years of maintenance-- most people are wanting this done right away. Not me. For some reason I think it's harder on us non bariatrics or non mommy tummy folks. I don't know why, but I struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment before doing this. And these feelings wern't related to my body, but over the fact that this was the only way that I was ever going to be normal. I know I look normal in some of these pictures, but I really wasn't. I hid it well.