Monday, June 15, 2009

God helps those who help themselves

My Gram used to say that, it's so true. You have to take responsibility for yourself and promote your own healing. I'm trying.

Sometimes I wonder how different my mindset would be if I hadn't gone for the 3rd ACL replacement. There was no way that I could have known that there would be more pain and suffering from that surgery than actual benefit. Unfortunately I can't predict the future and had no idea that I was setting off down a path of self doubt and self loathing instead of self confidence and love. It never occurred to me that I could become infected twice, but as my writing instructor said, who is also a PCP, "The chances for you are 100%."

It's one of the reasons I waited so long on this plastic surgery. Besides always needing my knee operated on so I didn't go nutty with pain, it was the idea of optional surgery that was hard for me to overcome.

And why the fuck does that spot on my leg throb today? It's goddamn aching, twinging and today was red for no reason in an unusual spot. Look for something to come out of my skin there in the next few days I'm sure.

This is the first step I need to take to get to the thighs to be able to wear a brace that doesn't chafe and rip apart my skin so I can give my knee a fighting chance to make it too 55. (I hope!) These surgeries some how seemed safer than finding someone who would stick a big hunk of metal in my knee at 32. Right now, whatever is going on under my incision will pass, and I have no doubt it will be nothing compared to what I have been through. I fear more tubes and more antibiotics that make me feel like shit. But mostly I fear imposing on my crazy wonderful family.

1 comment:

bbubblyb said...

Hope things get better for you quickly. I know this must be a long road for you. I'm sending healing wishes your way.