This evening turned into Sunday afternoon

M and I headed to the cape late Friday night. Yesterday I napped. Hard. Today we did yard work and I scrubbed the deck. Now it's about to be lunch time and then we'll head back into the city. I had kind of a morbid thought down at the beach visiting Gram. (Her ashes are there.) What if these are my last three or four days on earth. That's the complication monster in me. It'll go fine though. I know so. Seriously, this has been the best gift ever and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I know I am going on and on about this, but wow. I'm going to be tiny!

PS meet M. M meet PS.

Just a quick note, hafta go help mom unpack in her NEW HOUSE. Go Mom!

Anyways, still very very very happy about all this. Turns out the PS doesn't think I'll need the anchor cut, that made me happy, he does intend to go as far back as he can though. We'll see. I every confidence that this man will make me look very good. M was impressed which was nice, liked the way he treated his office staff, and how he answered his questions. I'll have more to say this evening, it's all in the details.

Must.Feel.Better.Soon.

Yikes, I'm so over this cold. Been forever since I've had one and I need to be over it by Friday.

So I can't believe that in omg a week from now I'll be on my last day as me this way. A lifetime! A lifetime of my shape being this way is about to change. Crazy, still can't believe it's real. I got the approval from the insurance company in the mail yesterday.

Diagnosis: SKIN HYPERTR/ATROPH NEC
Coverage: 15830 EXC SKIN ABD

It was approved by an actual doctor-- I was happy to see that someone qualified was making the decision about my excess skin. I'm kind of curious what the plastic surgeon said but you know, I'm probably better off not knowing. I saw the pictures, that was scary enough.

Not this time

There is this magazine, currently it has a woman in a gargantuskirt on the front cover. They have me in their database and we emailed back and forth a few times earlier this spring and then nothing. :c(

And then this afternoon I heard from them wanting to know about my availability in the last two weeks of June for a possible trip to NYC for a photoshoot. Nice to be a finalist for this story, but not this time. I'll be healing.

His Fault?

Article out on Brady and his return to Football on SI.com. I'm not sure I would go as far as Brady to say that he caused the Staph infection. I'm glad he'll be back this year. I wish him and his knee nothing but the best.

We ate outside

So not the best picture, but pretty standard for a blurry dark iPhone pic.
M and I had our own little Memorial Day BBQ after he got home from the office. Our back porch is screened in-- there is no reason we shouldn't be taking advantage of it. The chairs and table base I've had forever so this weekend I hosed them down, bought some chair pads and a table top at Ikea and presto-- Outdoor dining. The lights are from Target, two different types, one strand is just large glass bulbs, but the other are those red metal flowers with the yellow inside petals. They loop around the top of the porch and provide some lovely mood lighting. I also have a small Weber charcoal grill (that I am hoping to upgrade this week) a wicker chair with pillow for the cat and a hammock chair hanging near the door. I love it. I try to eat meals sitting down at a table. This is sure to help.

Suggest me something

Okay, enough freaking out. On to something constructive. Do you have a favorite book, author, subject matter you like to read about? Let me know what it is, I'll be taking advantage of our Amazon Prime and ordering some reading materials for myself. Let me know what's good in the comments.

Hormonal

It's also that time of the month which is why I am all over the freaking map about this today. Thank god for birth control-- I can't imagine this experience with my period as well. I think that next month I'll be skipping the week off and going right back on, less hassle and hormones that way I hope.

This isn't cheating?

You win.

I have a cold

An honest to goodness cold. Green stuff in my lungs, no desire to exercise, and very little motivation for much else. I have been dragging my self up and out each day though. When it gets dark I'll take a picture of my back porch. It makes me happy.

So little time it seems...

I'm holding steady at down five pounds. Fine by me, I just want the number on the scale when I go to the doctors office on Friday to reflect that.... I've read in a bunch of places that people should be in the best shape possible for this kind of surgery, but on the other hand every surgeon I talked to said don't worry about about losing the last of the weight. They used to ask people to do that, but clearly, this is where my body is most comfortable.


I'm off to Ikea today to help create my outdoor space. We have a back porch that I would like to use, but right now, it's not very inviting. I am making peace with the fact that my life if about to grind to a halt. (Having a slightly harder time making peace with this surgery, more on that later.) So I want to make it so that I have a place I am comfortable hanging out, even when I can't get downstairs and out side. I have no idea how quickly I will heal and or recover. They say you should start walking pretty quick... around the block maybe? I wonder how this surgery will be with stairs.

So off I go. Each day up until the 4th is starting to take shape with specific tasks. Later on today I will tackle my closet.

Insurance Approval on the first try

YaY! So that means our portion of this cost will only be 4,400. Insurance will cover the pannulectomy and we pay for the extended tummy tuck with the muscle tightening.

I am off to my Mom's house to talk about a list of medical supplies I'll need. Wedge pillow, gloves, alcohol wipes, abd pads, pads for under me incase i leak a bit at first even with the drains. I'm still in disbelief that everything has been working out the way I had hoped even though sometimes it looked like it wouldn't.

I know I bitch a lot...

But really, M isn't a bad guy. Cookies, brownies, whatever, he's clueless not purposeful. There are some out there who do sabotage, thankfully he is not one of them.

I am amazed at how supportive he is about this surgery. It's been along road for him and I when it comes to operations. Every single time I have been cut open in the past few years has been the direct result of a complication. My current 11:11 wish is that this go as smoothly as possible without any issues. If that means I need to lie flat on my back for a month, getting up only to walk for a bit every few hours than so freaking be it. I just want this to go flawlessly. I deserve it after what I've been through with my knee. I'm thinking happy positive thoughts, in between freaking out of course.

I'm trying to keep the nervousness under wraps around him-- it's not his burden, I did this to myself and therefore I am the one to deal with it. And yes, I do believe that I did this to myself. My PCP had questioned me when I said that in her office. My response to her was, well, don't you do skinny to yourself? I don't buy it when people say being fat isn't their fault. Maybe that will make me a bad dietician, but I do believe that we are all capable of change. Understanding how the system works and your part in it is key. We are all ultimately responsible to ourselves.

I ate and ate and ate today.

I'll be calling the PCP in the am about a two week supply of something... eating to calm my nerves right now is counterproductive. And while I did ride my bike into town and back today, (total of 2 1/2 hours), that does not make up for the brownies, the wine, the ham cheese sammys on rice cakes, the power bar, the meringues, the chocolate covered wafer cookies and the lamb naan. ooof. I'm way full.

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.

TMI to Come

I'm kind of squeemish about posting about some of this stuff, but whatever. You know what I won't miss? When I sit down in the ladies room I often have to pick up my skin and readjust it. It puddles onto my lap. I still find it hard to believe that in just two weeks it will be gone. I wonder what that will be like. I lived with this body my whole life, hard to imagine it different. Yeah, I know that must sound weird coming from me, at 345 it was hard to imagine myself different, and I'm not sure I ever really did. As I got smaller and my body changed you just adjust-- it's a gradual slow change, (one of the keys to keeping weight off I believe) and now, it's going to happen in mere hours. Huh.

And scared.

M is too, he said so this morning, but he understands that this is something I need to do. I'm glad that I don't have all summer to freak out about it.

What I said earlier... Ignore it!

The plastic surgeons office just called. They've had some cancellations and I had the option of either the 3rd of 4th of June. OMG I am so freaking excited, like wow. Wow. WOW. I'll be missing my 15th high school reunion and that's fine by me. I didn't go to the 5th because I was 300+ pounds. I did go to the 10th and it was a blast, but I can wait for the 20th to roll around in order to have this surgery moved up by two whole months!

I'm so excited.

Some days it can't happen fast enough

Seriously, I've said it before, I feel like I have waited my whole life for this plastic surgery. I'll admit to be being a little impatient about it these days in fact. I just want this mess of skin off of me. August seems so very far away, but I do suppose that is a good thing, gives me time to work at being the fittest I can possibly be before I get tightened up.

I'm trying to think back to a year where I didn't have surgery and I am coming up with 2002. Yikes. 2009 could have 3, if I am able to schedule a date for my thighs some time in the fall. I need to look into that timeline but am kind of in denial about the fall. Summer just started, but plans are helpful.

46 and rainy

The trip to the Cape was fast. And cold and rainy. I stopped by the beach to say hello to my Gram and picked up my mother's mail and that was about it. I did not go for that walk but I did make it to the gym tonight. Hopefully the hour and five minutes on the elliptical helped work the little old lady out of my knee. The cold and damp still makes it ache a million times worse than it does normally. /knee rant

I'm very excited about my week ahead, I need to keep on the good eats and good exercise though, could be tough. Drinks with a friend tomorrow night, (he's giving me his grill too!) a potluck during my last writing class, and then Keane on Thursday night. I am so freaking excited for this show.

Big plans tomorrow during the day include laundry and a trip to Home Depot. Welcome to my summer of domesticity!

Thank Goodness

The wee kitty came home! I'm off to the Cape for the day without guilt now to run an errand. Weather is chilly but I am hoping to get in a walk down at the National Seashore. I'm not feeling the gym today.

Wedding Weekend etc...

My brother in law got married this weekend. It was lovely. I ate well and even got some cardio in yesterday. I ate to maintenance-- I refuse to have a weigh loss day on a special occasion. But at the same time it doesn't mean that I have to go over either.

It's kinda odd to be back in weight loss mode. I had forgotten how hungry I can get, but I've got a bag full of tricks and years of experience behind me, oddly working out helps keep the hunger from overwhelming me and sending me straight to the kitchen. That was not the case in the past. I've also been drinking a boat load of water again! I had to pee twice during my three hour final.

Today there is some stress, well, it started last night, we got back from the wedding and our back door was open. My cat is smarter than your average BooBear who is not home yet. We searched high and low last night around midnight and no sign of her. This sucks but I know a cookie won't make it better. Yeah, those SAME cookies are still sitting on my counter. Two boxes of 8 we are down to 4 in one box and 3 in the other.

Noticeable

So much salt today! I can feel myself puffing up. What a week, I'm planning to to do some cardio in the am. Keep me honest internets.

YaY!

I am very happy with how that went.

worst.comment.ever.

I just read the worst.comment.ever. on someone else's blog. Weight regain is tough-- and unfortunately most go through it to some extent or another. But to tell someone you feel so sorry for them and then, AND THEN! That if you ever started to notice a regain the last thing you would ever put in your mouth would be a loaded pistol. wtf? How is this helpful? Unbefuckinglievable. I'm speechless.

Less than 24 hours

I don't think cramming will help. I'm too old for that anyhow.

My 11:11 wish has been for the past couple of months to pass this class with a B- or better this semester. I've said it so many times I actually believe it.

In other news the scale is still trending downwards. Hopefully soon I'll be back under 160. Wedding weekend coming up though, we'll see how well the food (read alcohol) calories can be kept under control.

It's called a Doggie Bag

A highlight from today's Google Alert, topic: Weight Loss

This link is to a bunch of a responses to a Dear Abby letter. Some woman wrote in and asked for advice because she is ashamed(?) of having surgery. You want to do that to yourself? Okay, I think it might be more hassle than it's worth for most, but I blogress. What freaking kills me is the last response.

Dear Abby: The lap-band procedure has become so prevalent that my husband's surgeon issues wallet-size cards to present to servers when requesting child-size meals. So far, all restaurants have recognized and honored these cards.

- E.J.M. in S. Carolina

Umm, it's called a doggie bag and it's what the rest of use who haven't had surgery (and hopefully even those who have). We're not kids here, we are all adults.

That stupid show ends tonight

And I'll be watching from the gym while doing cardio. Or that's my plan anyways. Yesterday was an okay day food wise-- a little stressful and I ate to maintain. And that's okay. I have all summer to get back into shape and down to a low weight before surgery. I am just glad I jumped on it now. I knew that I'd be ready again but I wish I knew what the difference is in that mindset, and why can't keep it switched on all the time? For me it's pain. And exam stress. :c)

Final on Thursday, it will be what it will be, but I have worked very hard and just have to believe that like with weight loss, my hard work will pay off.

Turned off the Comment Moderation

Seems silly to me now, I don't need to approve what you say! But I can delete it if I don't like it. ;c)

These are the pictures that sent me over the edge.

M and I were on our way back from REI--that's my new fancy pants backpack for hiking and back country trips. We walked across town last Sunday, can't get there from here really conveniently via the T. The skirt is an athletic 12, but I was pushing its limits. I know a lot of what is stressing about these pictures will be removed via surgery, but even still. It was time to stop the creep. It's been a week and I feel better already.

The Gym

So there is this guy who used to be my friend, once upon a time he and I worked together. This was back in the day when I was newly thin and discovering that it's a lot harder to have male friends when you are skinny than when you are fat. When I was heavy guys reacted to me differently. I was the one they went to for chick advice but there was never any interest in me. It had always been like that and I had always been comfortable around the guys, managing your high school football team will do that for you.

Anyways, fast forward through several misunderstandings and me figuring things out a bit slowly and our friendship ended. Alas. The last year we worked together I would just ignore him in the hallway even though I hated doing it... and then we all got laid off. Relief! Out of sight out of mind. He lives in my neighborhood but I hadn't seen him since. He got some new job that takes him to far off places for extended periods of time the grapevine told me.

Apparently he is back in town and has joined my gym.

I thought I had saw him getting out of his car a couple weeks back now.... but wasn't sure. He's dropped some weight, probably 40+ pounds since I knew him. It was also dark and I just couldn't tell. There was no mistaking him on the treadmill this morning. Ugh. I'm not sure how to feel about this, I want to leave the past where it is, but this kind of distraction at the gym... Not sure I need it. So what would you do internets? Say hello or leave it be?

Or work out extra hard just in case?

Small Meltdown

About food today. Maybe it's just because I am back into I give a damn mode that the excess snacks are stressing me out. I can ignore them... but this week, with stress. It's hard. I've been working out and that helps, but sheesh. I wish he would finish the snacks he already has before purchasing more. And as for meals... well, that's a different post. In the end we had fresh pasta and
veggies for lunch with basil and a smidge of butter but for some reason it was herculean effort to get to that.

ignore.ignore.ignore.

By time he eats ALL 12 ice cream sammys I think they will be freezer burned. I'm long past the days where I eat something just because it's there, even when I wasn't so carefully watching what I ate, I didn't eat things that didn't taste good. Hopefully I can wait them and him out. I wonder how long it will take?

There is a disturbance in the Kitty Force

My Fuzz loves the attic. He sleeps in the eves, but we have our new tent set up and airing out so sadly, Fuzz is not aloud upstairs while it's on the ground. Nice thing is I've seen a ton of him, bad thing is, he's a pain in the ass about everything right now.

You can also see in these photos, besides my Fuzzy kitty my end of the day mascara and the place where I thwacked myself on the nose yesterday with M's headlamp.

3 pounds gone! 12 ice cream sandwiches gained...

...but not by me.

Godamnit, today he came back with individual pepperoni pizzas, Jose Ole individually wrapped burritos (total junk food!) another Entemann's Raspberry Danish (The old one finally had gone stale. Now I have to start again.) and that box of 12 TWELVE ice cream sandwiches. I love those freaking things but did say out loud to him that I won't be having one.

Must.hold.onto.momentum.

It's so nice out!

So I will be riding my bike to this party this evening. This will cut down on the drinks and I'll get some more exercise too. I missed being able to do this when I hurt. I wish I had known that I would love to do this when I was heavy. Now when nice days roll around, even in May, I feel like they are an opportunity not to be missed.

Off I go!

So tomorrow I'll step on the scale

I expect this week to have lost 3 pounds. I know some of it will be water weight and that weight you lose fast when you first restrict your calories, but that's okay, the general trend is down and I have logged everything I ate this week. Keeps me honest and the exercise has been surprisingly (physically) easy. It's the mental hurdles I have to jump through to move sometimes.

I'm actually kind of paralyzed mentally right now. I'm just on the edge of a B/B- in my chemistry class. I need to stay there, but the final looms large next Thursday and there is a shit ton of memorization required for it. That's on top of the stuff we've already learned. January and February seem like so long ago and I was in a completely different place. Hopefully that knowledge is still in there not buried under layers of memories of pain and pain killers.

I had a great chat with my writing teacher... So often we put off the now for later, but the only way to get to later (and where you want to be) is to work at it in the now. That's me, trying to work at it in the now.... I'll get there, I just have to keep working at it.

That goes for chemistry and getting back to the weight I want to be it.

And one more thing, I should probably quit my bitchin about my regain.... In the two years since my latest knee problems ruled my life I was never more than 18 pounds off my low (which was really low) and mostly I've just been about 10 off my comfortable weight. Considering all I've been through and the inability to exercise, I should be giving myself a pat on the back. So here's where I do that.

Good Job, Sarah!

He Needed Toilet Paper

And came home with Pizza Goldfish, Mint Milanos, Hot Cocoa Mix and Brownie Mix. He must have gone to Target hungry. Alas, there are still snacks from last week.... Two types of cookies, Sun Chips and danish.

I had a sweet potato when I got home. Day 5 of eating well and more exercise. I have not forgotten what it takes to lose weight so that's nice to see.

Yarrr!

I'm giggling along with pirate on Facebook. In other news. Why? Why? Why do I watch that stupid show? It makes me feel fat and like I have accomplished nothing because I'm not on TV. Every season it is the same thing with M, he stands there with is mouth open in awe of what they have accompished and goes on about how they look so great, what a change, blah blah blah.

I never get that unless I ask. And then I feel like I am fishing for a compliment. Ugh.

/rant

In happier news I'm getting reacquainted with what's necessary to lose weight. Four days of good eating and exercise.

So this is what that is like... I remember exercise.

I seriously have not regularly exercised in almost two years. I can't believe I am saying that but it is true. When I went for the ACL for the third time I thought this was it, I was going to be able to exercise all the time and forever. Fast forward through more pain than anyone should ever experience and several complications later and I am left with a joint that is aged well beyond its years. I've started using it again (4 days in a row of exercise) and I wonder how on earth I am going to be able to keep using it. I think I need to get over the hump of inactivity because right now it kills, every step is painful. That awful arthritis pain that if you have it-- you know what I am talking about. It used to be limited to just one side of my joint but it's all over now. I went to the track with M this morning and while he ran, I limped along wondering about my future. Pain is what will bring me back to the doctors office when my quality of life sucks so much I can't take it any more. That's a scary thought, pain almost destroyed my relationship earlier this year. How can I let myself get to that point without alienating those I love? My journey is not over, but for right now, I think I just need to keep taking one painful step at a time.

Denial

Not just a river in Egypt. Ba-da bump, ching!

So I've been pissing and moaning about putting on a few, even blogged about how I was okay with it. I'm not OK with it, I saw a picture of me at 165 and was all, no way. Twin sis even said she was noticing it on me. Yeah-- time to get to get over myself and just do what needs to be done. I wish I could settle on a weight and just stay there damnit. This maintenance stuff is hard and I'm over life being hard for a while ya know?

So I ellipticaled on my machine upstairs, 30 minutes of sweatiness and I feel better about myself.

That wasn't so hard was it?