Fiber Muffin Tops

I had a Pomegranate Cranberry "muffin" on the way home from Trader Joes. I have a post in me about my digestive system. Seriously- I take after my great grandmother Annie.

I just saw the worst commercial ever.

It's for a Comcast(?) cable package they are selling to Dads and Grads. It features a girl with a prominent muffin top. :/ I missed the dialog. I can't believe they went there. I was that girl, but I certainly would not have wanted to see me mocked on TV.

I'll post tomorrow instead. I need sleep after that annoyance.

The Scale

Can weight a few days. Too much sodium and I want a couple days to balance out before I step on it. Also, tmi, I haven't pooed in a couple days.

So after 12.5 hours in the car straight back from the Outerbanks I am off to Trader Joes for my frozen berry medley that I add to my oatmeal and some moral fiber muffins.

End of Vacation

Bummer. This has been a wonderful week and a half. This last place we have stayed, The Inn on Pamlico Sound in Buxton, NC has been marvelous. But. The food, oh my the food.

So they have sodas, which I am used to at B&Bs, but they also have snacks:
M&Ms
Peanut M&Ms
Skittles
Snickers
Sugar Free Chocolate Sandwich Cookies
Kashi Granola Bars
Peanuts
Peanut Butter Crackers
Baked Lays
Ruffles
Cheetos
Popcorn

They have stuff for the snack conscious which is good, but ooof, it's hard to resist. They also have bowls full of Dove Promises in both Milk and Dark Chocolate everywhere.

And the breakfast... starts with fruits then a muffin and then sausage and some sort of egg. Today it was an omelet with cheese and asparagus. They also offer fresh juices and nectars. Sigh. And the best hot chocolate ever. (That's for my husband, not me.)

Lastly they serve dinner here. SO yummy, tonight I had prime rib of buffalo with the butteryest mashed potato I have ever had and I am stuffed.

I'll be interested to step on the scale when I get back but feel like I am doing just fine and my weight is still stable. I understand the twin sis is down to a new low. (Congrats dooder!) I will be happy to get back into a routine. I miss my oatmeal in the am and had to resort to a couple of apples for fiber today.

My Mom always said...

My Mom is awesome. I'll say that flat out. One of the nuggets of wisdom she gave me as a kid or maybe a teenager, I can't really remember, is that you need to know what the other side is up to. I could never understand why she put up with dad's Rush Limbaugh or whatever, but she is a very well educated woman and keeps up on both sides of the current opinion/argument.

So that's why I read Big Fat Blog. It's a little hard on my heart and mind sometimes and can piss me off to no end. Especially the comments. It also shows me why I need to keep up this blog. People need to know that it is possible to change their life. Even when I was 240 and thought this is where I am meant to be... it was a lie. A similar vacation 5 years ago told me that, fat and sweaty and unable to do the things I wanted to with my man because of my physical state was not a way I wanted to live my life. Losing weight for me was about health, quality of life and living longer. It wasn't about looking cute or wanting compliments. (In all honesty that has, in the past, caused all sorts of problems for me as a lifer I never anticipated. Something else I have learned to deal with.) I'm all for non discrimination of fat people but when it comes to fat acceptance. I've been there and done that. It's not something I can get behind.

There I said it.

Better Than Starbucks

I had the best iced coffee I have had in a long time. It was at the Ocracoke Coffee Company. (Their site seems to be down, bummer.) They are a member of the Specialty Coffee Association of America. Both shops that I worked at out in Colorado were and I look for the sticker on the door for a sign of a good cup. It was smooth and not to acidic, brewed strong, but not overdone, it was just perfect.

I should make more of an effort to seek out the local folks at home.

Bathing Suit TMI

Today we went to the beach. And it was lovely even though it was windy and sandy and my shins are sun burnt because I forgot to put sunscreen on them (but I got the rest of me thank god). We walked a mile down the beach and then back poking jelly fish that had washed up on shore and watching the plovers run from the waves. We sat in the sunshine and I wore a bathing suit without too much damage to my self esteem. j/k.

Vacations past have normally meant a new bathing suit. When I was heavier and settled at an 18W-22W, I had several and I loved them. I spent hours lounging by the pool at my apartment complex in Boulder soaking up the sun and not caring what others thought. One was a black and green Liz Claiborn number with a matching sarong that I wore all the time. I wasn't shy about wearing it without the sarong and was so tan I practically glowed. One of the pictures in my slide show is from that time. Back then I felt thin at 240ish and while smaller, my sag was still well filled out. I definitely felt more comfortable in my own skin then than I do now.

Fast forward a couple of years and as I dropped weight I never bothered to get a new one that I could actually wear. Then came a vacation to Key West in early 2006. I figured there must be somewhere down there I could get one. I ended up purchasing a bright pink, yellow orange number (again with matching sarong) that had no strap around the neck. I have no boobs to speak of and even less so now that I have lost weight. It stayed up just fine but was more for the pool than the beach. I actually wore it to our company outing last year and felt perfectly comfortable in it, but I was sitting about 1/4 of a mile away from everybody else.

Earlier this year we went to Arizona and I really wanted to use the pool. I scoured the racks at Marshall's and came away with something passable and on sale. I wore it once and probably won't ever again. It's black with a strap around the neck. Not very comfortable.

So when packing for vacation last week I grabbed the one from Key West figuring I would wear it if I had too. But when we stopped at the LL Bean outlet they had bathing suits on sale. I couldn't help but look. My first attempt at a swimsuit when I lost weight ended poorly and it was an LL Bean tankini. Back then I had yet to learn that I need a one piece and that even though I may be a 10 in real life, I am not a 10 in bathing suits. Due to a shipping snafu I now have 2 tops and bottoms, only worn once. It exposed my middle and the skirt was dreadful. Nice idea, but not on me. I had planned on returning it, but in that quest to lose the last 10 pounds I kept it. I should have returned it for all the good it has done me.

Anyways, back to the LL Bean stop this week. I pawed through the racks and noticed they had those cute swim skirts than have no pantie inside. It covers my upper thighs nicely as they are designed to go over a one piece. Being an outlet they only had selected sizes and colors but I did manage to put together a cute one piece in a blue and green floral with a solid blue skirt for 30 bucks. Not bad.

Today I put it on and let me tell you it felt kind of weird. I am not used to my sag being held up like that. :/ Seriously I am used to my extra me hanging over my hips bones. It's this tummy flab that requires me to buy a suit in a larger size than I would normally. If I try on a 10, the fabric doesn't reach my chest the way it is supposed to and the built-in bra ends up supporting my middle. No good. Sometimes a long torso will fit okay, but I have to try it on. The suit I just bought was a 12 and the skirt was as well. Fits good, looks good, but still feels odd.

This is us enjoying the beach.

Surprise Surprise

I took some pictures yesterday. And I look a lot thinner in them than I thought. YaY. My face shows my weight with the slightest change. Not having a scale around this is the next best thing to seeing if I am staying stable. (That and how my jeans fit, but the weather down here is too damn nice for that!)
So life is good.

Road Trip Eats

Often on vacation I lose weight. Or at least stay the same. I wouldn't mind losing a few, but I know that is coming with the move and the bike riding I have planned for this summer. Anyways...

Basic vacation strategies include:
Always ordering the small (this applies to life as well)
One treat a day, an ice cream cone while we are out wandering or dessert with dinner
Snacks with fiber, fruit or power bar type thingies instead of chips
Water
One meal as a salad, lunch or dinner, often with protein and no dressing

It's simple enough. but I can remember a time when all I did was eat on vacation. So far so good. My treat yesterday was an ice cream cone, although I suppose I could consider my scone at breakfast a treat as well, but since we walked all day, I'll let it slide.

Parking Karma

It's almost vacation time. I am waiting on DH at my sisters house. I had to pick up my cell phone charger from my car, raid her jools and now I chill waiting for the call. We both have crazy parking karma today. She is in the one technically unticketable spot in her part of the North End. Word.

I am in front of Mike's Pastry.

I really want a pastry. I had a rough day with our housing sitch and it could be all covered up by frosting. I'll prolly stop by on my way back to the car.

But finally I have thought of a useful reason for tourists. They make the line too long-- and on nice evenings in the city-- they make it imposibble to even get in the door.

Grin

Seriously, there will be enough treats on vacation.

If you are the praying type...

Or even you are not. And even if you are not a Democrat please say a prayer or send happy thought to our Senator Kennedy and his family. Hard to imagine Massachusetts without him-- he has been a senator years longer than I have been alive.
Bummer.

Vacation

We are about to go on a roadtrip. Stops in DC, Norfolk, and the Outerbanks. I expect lots of fancy walkin. Museums, Monuments, Battle Fields, Beachs and Boardwalks. My knee should hold up but I need to be better to it.

I plan on riding my bike to and from Harvard Sq. this summer. The construction alone is enough to make me leave my car at home, but the cycling will be good for my quads and easy on the joint.

Like I said in the comment below, fitness comes in spurts for me. Some of it is knee related but other times it's lack of motivation. Summer helps. Vacations help. I see good things in my future.

Where did the week go?

I've been sleeping a bunch since my finals ended, decompressing I think. We are going on vacation next week and then moving when we get back-- now is a good time to rest. There is also something floating around in me producing a low grade temp and fatigue. I hope to snap out of it shortly, I'm pretty sure it's not my knee. And speaking of other things that happen in June.

Open enrollment baby! I need a new knee doc. Someone with a smidge more expertise in my long term prospects-- I'll be looking for a TKR guy.

Today was surprisingly sunny and I slept for most of it. I could use some exercise but the knee.... I can maintain without stressing it, but I would enjoy being more active in general. The rest of my body needs it I think. I am still on the higher side of where I would like to be, the little voice in my head says, "Geeze Sarah, relax, it's only 161. Remember , when you used to weigh 345. Perspective. Get some."

It's just, now my perspective has changed.

Time for some more sleep. It's been all in the news lately how crappy rest leads to obesity, blah blah blah. Maybe-- but you can make a study prove anything. My mattress is way crappy and keeps me up sometimes but I'm still keeping off the weight.

Procrastinating

Exams. I have three in a row, starting this evening.

more cat pictures

I have been stressful study eating and as a result, I am back up to 161. I am uncomfortable weighing more than 160 now so I need to refocus. I wonder though, is this little up and down bad for me? Too much yo-yoing? I prefer to think of it fluctuations. Yo-yoing seems more extreme, 50-100 pound gains and losses to my mind.

So yeah, based on the scale it turns out that Mother's Day cake did have calories in it. Also turns out that Ma's flowers were delivered to the neighbors. I left them a neighborly note, but I am moving out in a month, so really-- who cares. It is the thought that counts and she is out of town this week anyways.

I have packed a lunch and had oatmeal for breakfast today, it takes planning and time to eat well. Things I am short on right now, but I am worth it. Although, part of me wishes I was one of those people who, like my husband can get so absorbed in their work they simply forget to eat for hours at a time. How is that possible? I remember an occasion recently on one late weekend afternoon where I asked M when he had last eaten. Yesterday was his answer! Oh noes! You must eat regularly.

Study time, sans snacks.

More Data to Come

As people get farther and farther out from WLS there will be more data as to how it is affecting their lives. Our parts are important. Why do I get the feeling that is kind of glossed over when people consider WLS. The consult is with someone who stands to gain financially and the referral is usually coming from someone who has had very little nutrition education during medical school. That combination leads to bad decision making on the part of an uninformed consumer.

Sleepy Rain Friday Night Thoughts

I'm up waiting for a plane to land. Massport has a great website for tracking flights. This info is out there across the country but some regional airports utilize it better than others I think. His plane is in the air so it won't be too late of an evening and hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight.

We need a new mattress. Bad. Ours has the worst sag from my heavy years and I often fall into this huge hole at night. I end up wedged between Fuzz and M, many times awoken by his elbow pinning my puddle to the bed. Last night I slept on the sofa and even though my cat was as obnoxious as you can get, I slept pretty well.

But then I woke up. With the worst.crick.ever. in my shoulder. It pangs me when I look up and to the left. I can’t win. All I have been able to do today is read and nap, but that’s mostly okay I finished Dibs: In Search of Self and am almost done with Freud’s Questions of Lay Analysis. Psych exam is Tuesday.

I need better rest especially before three big tests but… I think a new mattress will be several thousand bucks. Not the 4K I know some one is looking at, I imagine that one will be like sleeping on a cloud. But anyway, Mom and I tried out some nice ones a few weekends back while M was relaxing in the Spa chairs at Jordan’s.

Everything costs money though—I should sell some more things. My trial run went well and letting go hasn’t been too hard. And if it meant a better nights sleep sooner (late July maybe by time we saved up) then I would be all for it.

By the way, with every thing I’ve learned this semester, I think I should go back to the days of Sarah doesn’t drink. I remember a time when I didn’t and was very proud of it. It started off as prissy defensive thing at boarding school, then became a who needs those empty calories thing (even when I was over 300 pounds) and now it’s an ohmigod do you know what that biologically does to your body thing. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

In the fridge though there is a bottle of Midori. After that epic company outing, I’ll never look at that stuff the same way again so it’s all for M. There is also some old Christmas wine and several Guinness in a bottle, a never opened fifth of Grey Goose Citrus that won’t make the move and last but not least, Mint Baileys Irish Crème.

I need to get back to Freud. Another reason not to drink. Brings out my Id, so I have been told.

I have an opinion

And while I would love to say that I am pro choice when it comes to any form of weight loss surgery, be it the Lap Band or Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, I'm just not for it. This has been nagging at me for a while and I think I should just put it out there. Why, why, why? would you do that to yourself just to lose weight. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of complications and misery. You take away your ability to absorb nutrients and all sorts of things start to go wrong. We have our parts for a reason people. I get so sad when I read that people are willing to put up with rotting teeth, osteoporosis, B vitamin deficiencies, dumping, vomiting and never being able to eat your favorite food again just to be thin.

I wish that people didn't see it as the only way. I wish that Big Pharma wasn't marketing it to the vulnerable. I wish that health insurance companies would stop paying for it. I wish that there were more people like me.

You can have your cake and eat it too!!! You just need to practice some self discipline. It took me a long term to learn that and come to terms with it. But I did, and ON MY OWN TERMS. I wasn't forced into it because of some surgical procedure. I may sound preachy, but as I have learned more and continue on this path to becoming an RD I can say that I would NEVER recommend this to anyone.

That being said-- to the man in my life who went there. I still love you. But I wish it were different.

I love them so much I put them on.

I also dumped a coffee on my dress, but man I love these pants.

This does not go against what I believe in.

Which is being Healthy.
Diet is a four letter word.
Linky

Saggy Bum

I don't normally wear pants. My extra me gets in the way and it is hard to find a pair with the right dimensions. I know that every woman in the country has problems finding jeans that fit and that I am not alone. But these days my waist is tiny because the rest of my stomach hangs to my hips and my thighs... well skinny jeans are a trend that will pass me right on by.
So today was a pretty crappy day. Doctor appointment issues. My knee is still giving me problems and I am not convinced that this bone graft was successful. Little chips of bone keep coming to the surface. Is that supposed to be happening?!?!?!
I digress. So on my way to Harvard Sq. I stopped at the Gap. I like to check out the trends as their stock story is one that fascinates me. I also needed some retail therapy. I always try on jeans but never expect t find a pair. But much to my surprise I found a pair today! They are of the dark washed trouser variety but that's okay. I more of a dressed up kind of gal anyways. The waist is slightly big but the rest of them fit great. It's been a long time since I had a pair of jeans I love (and that look good.) Currently I have a pair of Tommy HiIlfigers with a bad wash and a saggy bum. Time to put them to rest.

Reasons to be Excited by my New Kitchen

I had forgotten what a cook's kitchen is like. We signed a lease last Friday and I am very excited to move. Our current landlord does not cook and it showed in her choices for our kitchen when they renovated it.
So things I am looking forward to.
1. A garbage disposal. I know, I know. For it's impacts on the environment you can read here. I should be composting-- maybe the old hippie we are renting from will let me start one. Regardless, the idea of a garbage disposal makes me grin. I also hate our trash can so the less I need to use it the better.
2. A knife magnet. This means I need new knives as there is no way I am displaying what I use currently. (You can view my wish list to the right.) A knife should be sharp and cut effortlessly. The scar on my middle finger from a bread knife is like a badge of honor. I was merely reaching into the knife bin that summer I was a prep cook at VR's and it sliced me all the way to the tendon.
3. More counter space. What we have currently is limited and is either a cheap laminate that holds stains or has been covered over with the same small floor tile that is also in my entryway. The grout is just icky.. and starting to crack.
All of this is good news for me making more meals at home. The more I cook the better my diet is.

The M & J Show

My morning ritual has changed since getting laid off. We are a lot slower in the morning and by time I get to ironing I am usually watching this in the background. I miss my Fox 25 in the morning. I digress. I have never really been a morning talk show watcher and this one isn't too bad but I do take issue with the over sensationalism of some of their stories. Especially teh weight loss ones. I have never seen them have on a guest who lost weight with education, time and motivation. Normally the weight loss stories are of the expose kind, but they manage to find people who are drinking the Kool Aid even when they have nutritionists beating them down. Think Kimkins and injecting yourself with pregnancy hormones!!! I appreciate that they balance out the nut jobs with real medical professionals but just once I would like to see someone up there talking about how they lost weight by changing their life.
Today they kicked off their "NY vs LA Fit Fight." Two trainers competing to whip two couples into shape. Seems more about the trainers than about the participants but we'll see. One last thing... they gave them T shirts. Do you think they could have gotten ones that fit? Nope. Standing next to the trainers with the too tight tee shirts stretched over their clothes was hard to watch.

I need a J-O-B. Eventually.

Senior Dietician
If the post is no longer there, the job is for a Sr. Dietitian for Brigham and Womans and Faulkner Hospitals Bariatric Program. This person is responsible for "the management of obese patients planning for obesity surgery and who have undergone obesity surgery."

Okay, that will never ever be a job that I would even consider. The more I learn, the more I think I would rather have been fat for the rest of my life than suffer from the side effects they are now seeing in patients. This surgery is not to be taken lightly. The wonderful lady over at Junkfood Science breaks it down in her Bariatric Series of posts. The link will take you to the one about vitamin deficiencies. Especially of the B variety and Calcium. Scary stuff.

Faulkner Hospital has been my new place for knee surgery. I did not notice any signs during my first surgery in the fall of 2007, but for my last two it is clear the hospital is actively promoting their bariatric surgery program. There are signs in the lobby and through out the facility touting the procedure. (On a side note, they must be doing well, because they also now have plastic surgeons. My PCP referred me over there in fact. That's a whole other post.) Anyways... I often wish I could stand outside, like those people do at PP. You know, regardless of what you are going there for there is some woman outside standing behind the blue line who says, "Can I help you today?" Totally innocuous but not really. They are there to change your mind.

I can picture myself standing outside a WLS info session saying the same thing. I know how desperate you feel when you are heavy. I imagine it's like being pregnant and not wanting to be. You'll do anything... But you live with those consequences.

I love my Mom

Seriously. Whenever I need a reality check or a new perspective she is there for me.

When did I go from being a lifer to that girl. When did I make that transition? I had been heavy always, struggling to lose weight, to fit in, to be healthy. Now I am there but I don't want to forget how that felt. It makes me who I am.

I was in denial for so long. I know there were times that I never thought I would get here. Hell, I have been maintaining for over three years now, but have only recently decided that this is where I want to be. No more wanting to lose the last ten pounds. This is who I am.

Thank you Mom!

You are what you eat

And today I feel like 158 pounds of fat and sugar. I should pay a little bit better attention. I've been busy and stressed and poor food choices are creeping into my life. It's amazing how quickly that happens when you don't work at it. All things head towards chaos without some help. But being ever mindful, the poor food choices are really poor substitutions for a quality meal... I'm concerned about getting the proper nutrition here, not about the resulting number on the scale reflecting my recent indulgences in Oreo mousse, caramel scones and donuts. I used to wonder how thin people could eat like crap. Now I know-- you can eat like crap, you just can't eat like crap all the time.

/peptalk