I had thought that I was over feeling like, I'm not really sure how to say it actually. I had adjusted to my new shape prior to surgery last year... it had been years of maintenance and several years of losing and while I wasn't always comfortable in my skin, I had adjusted to how I look. I had become accustomed to the looks from other people as well. And yes, mostly from men, but women do check each other out as well, it's just way more subtle.
Here I am in this new body and this time there wasn't that slow gradual change. You go to sleep one way and wake up another. Seven months later and I am still overwhelmed somedays by my new shape.
It's so normal.
But also, demoralizing? Is that the right word? Ugh, I am having a hard time putting this onto paper, well, the internets. The response I get from people as the person I am now... sometimes it's totally __________________. Insert your adjective there. I am mostly the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 7 months ago-- just way skinnier and as I said above, I'm just normal.
Someday I will come to grips with the fact that people are shallow and visual and that a cute outfit on the body I have now will take me farther than my kind eyes, great smile and warm personality.
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This is my fear...to lose the weight and be so disappointed at the actual shallowness of people. To realize that to most people what is on the inside ISN'T what is important. That I'll have more love offered because I weigh less....these thoughts plague me.
Obviously they plague me too. But my body and the way it works and moves is totally worth it. I will last, and I will eventually make peace with my thoughts.
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