Why I won't be getting an iPad

I have an iPhone and MacBook and other things to spend 500$ on. Specifically plastics for my thighs. Had a lovely chat with M about this today and he gets it. These surgeries are as much about function for me as they are about aesthetics.

I wonder about how easy the iPad will be to use, specifically how it fits in your hands. It's curved so it seems like on a table (like my iPhone) it would spin a bit. I often sit with my MacBook on my lap, or on my crossed leg, so the keyboard is at an angle and it's pretty comfortable. That's fine at this weight but what about when I was heavier? I didn't have a laptop then, but I did have to somehow manage a notebook when I didn't fit in those chairs with the attached desks and that was no easy task. I had no lap with which to put things on so I often found myself bracing my notebook on my belly and holding my pencil horizontally to take notes. No wonder I didn't go to class. /blogress.

I'll be interested to see this device in person, but I would imagine that it would be rather difficult to use for the larger folks. I wonder did Apple test it with them?

What I ate. Humor the husband edition.

Someone asked me what I eat like now hence these recent posts.

Breakfast at 10:30am
Venti Iced
Bowl of Cheerios with a banana and 1% milk.
We were almost out of milk so I it was probably only 1/4 of a cup, enough to wet the cereal and leave a few licks for my kitty cat. Cereal used to me something I had a hard time with..two bowls with whole milk for breakfast or a snack! is too much. After YEARS of weighing out or measuring my food I've gotten pretty good at knowing how much is a portion. I got a new kitchen scale for Christmas though and have recently been pouring the cereal into the bowl on the tared out scale. I've got skillz-- I'm almost always spot on. The scale is tiny so the bowl covers the display so I have to contort myself to see it. The novelty of this game will wear off shortly.

Lunch at 12:30pm
Hamburger and small fries from McDonalds
Did you know that they put the nutritional info on the wrappers these days? Neat. Yes, I ate McDonalds. My husband is a fan of the chicken nuggets. We were on our way to the Cape and it's still a go to place for him so I obliged. I was also hungry, normally I would just get an ice cream but it was too early for that so I had lunch. It was under 500 calories, not tremendously filling but tasty enough and disgusting enough to remind myself why I don't really eat there anymore.

Snack at 5pm
Kashi Crunch Chocolate Pretzel Bar
I had never seen this flavor before. I <3'd it.
Mineola orange

Dinner at 7:30pm
Salmon with mango and peppers over brown rice.
This is pretty simple, I've made this with both frozen mango and tri colored peppers (both from Trader Joe's) and fresh. Tonight we are on the Cape so it was peppers from the salad bar and 2 fresh mangos, that and some Ken's Sesame Ginger Marinade. Some nights I make my own marinade, but for simplicity this evening I used the bottle. 1/4 cup in the bottom of the pan, fish on top of that, chopped fruit and veggies around it with 1/4 cup drizzled over them, cover in foil and bake. Serve over rice and I have a happy husband who had a low sodium meal.

Snack at 9pm
1/3 of a Klondike Bar
They were in the freezer down here. M bought them, didn't like them and they had been sitting there since last fall sometime. I had to pitch the rest, not yummy enough to justify eating... that applies to the last 2/3rds and the 4 others still in the package.

What I ate. TMI . Version

Finally! I'm on a really reliable form of birth control and was starting to freak out about my lack of period this week. I'm 97.5% relived and 2.5% disappointed but anyway, it's here and I ate like it today. What am I seven months post op now too? Still amazed at the lady parts producing that much bloat! There will be no getting on the scale until the end of next week, but days like today balance out days like yesterday.

Breakfast at 7am
Multigrain bagel from Starbucks with 1/2 pat of butter
Venti Iced

Snack at 11am and at 5pm
Apple Cinnamon Power Bar
Handful of Oyster crackers
4 HIT chocolate sandwich cookies (70 cals a piece)
4 Vanilla Pizelles (23 cals a piece)
Orange

Lunch at 3pm
Mozzarella and Meatball Hot Pocket
I had other options but that's what I ate. That could have been a better choice. I have a million yummy frozen meals from Trader Joe's in my freezer. Well, not a million, but I did have other options.

Dinner at 8:30pm
Homemade chicken rabe sausage
Angel Hair
Pasta sauce with broccoli

Dessert/Snack
Peanut M&M's

What I ate. Pinging Pain Version.

Days like today are how I lost 7 pounds last fall. I'm hungry but have no appetite. I'm past the point of eating just to eat, but feel pretty good about what I did get in. Approximate total calories 1500, almost 45 grams of protein and more than enough fiber.

Breakfast at 8 am.
Zone Perfect Double Chocolate Bar I know some people are not a fan of the bars... but whatev. I like these, taste yummy and 12 grams of protein for 190 calories. Works for me.

Lunch at 11:30 am
From Starbucks Ham & Swiss Panini — Natural Black Forest ham and Swiss cheese with Dijon mustard on focaccia bread, mine also had tomatoes on it? Local differences, label stated 370 calories. Had been wanting to try one, was okay... cheese was a little watery when it was heated up, but satisfying.

Snack at 2pm
2 ounces of beef jerky
1/2 a package of pumpkin seeds. Interesting to note that the nutritional info is for the kernel but seems to only add a whopping amount of sodium and no calories if you eat whole thing.

Snack at 5:30pm
Chocolate Chip Cliff Bar from vending machine on campus.

Dinner at 9pm
Small bag of frozen veggies from Green Giant containing yellow carrots, spinach and some sort of bean. They market it for "digestive health" meh, blend I like, with decent calories.
1 ounce of ground sirloin with taco seasoning. Wasn't feeling the tacos my husband made tonight so just had a few bites of the meat and put the rest away.

Snack later
Navel orange

What I ate. Random Edition.

I ate out a bunch today but still have a very good idea of exactly how many calories I ate. All that info is out there if you take a moment to look. I had to choose on the fly at Chili's but turns out I made a good decision today.


Breakfast at 8am
Starbucks MultiGrain Bagel
Venti unsweetend iced coffee with milk and shake of vanilla powder and cinnamon.

Lunch at 12:30pm
Chili's Small Carribean Salad with Grilled Shrimp, dressing on the side and no dried cherries. I hadn't been to Chili's in forever, revamped menu even smelled new!

Snack
Apple from Broadway Market

Second Snack or early dinner at 4pm
Beet Salad from Cambridge Brew Company again without the dressing.
Tulip glass of Big Man Ale also from CBC. I love this local microbrew, nothing better than a fresh beer. With this neat little homebrew calculator I can estimate the number of calories in my drink. Useful and eye opening!

Late dinner with husband at 8:30pm
Mini Pizzas made from:
Sammy sized English Muffin
1/3 Chicken sausage
1 oz. Fresh Mozzarella
Fresh Basil
1/4 cup sauce

So it was a good day and not unlike many others. Also managed to get in a few miles on foot while it was still sunny and relatively warm at 40F.

The Semester Ahead

Medical Microbiology
BioStats
Anatomy and Physiology

I love school and am still excited to be working towards getting a degree in my passion. Some days it feels like it's going to take a lifetime but I can work this process and I know it's not forever. As I am fond of saying, you have to work in the now to get to the future.

Getting out of your own way!

I did that! Several times this week in fact. After my awesome Wednesday... I did stuff on Thursday too. Early afternoon movie with a friend (which is another blog post), then coffee with a women I went to high school and a nifty stroll along the Harbor Walk trying to get to the Gillette sign which you can actually get to. After that I was off with twin sis for a quick visit with her friend and then up to Salem to see another friend of hers strum his guitar and sing his songs at the Gulu-Gulu. If you are ever in Salem I highly recommend their Eden crepe-- it was the perfect end to a really nice day.

I used to be really bad about making plans and canceling them--I've gone into the reasons why when I was heavy. However I was still doing this even as the thin version of myself. I'm still figuring out how I fit in... but if you want to have interaction you need to put yourself out there. Doing that is hard for me sometimes. Occasionaly there is awkwardness and rejection, but mostly you get back what you put out there-- kindness, curiosity, humor, and hopefully friendship. Being genuine goes a long way but you need to follow through and participate.

Walk it off

I walked 4.5 miles today like it was nothing. Well, my knee is telling me it's something now, but that's okay. I am so glad we moved and when it gets even warmer I'll be walking even more. I started at home, off to Macy's in Downtown Crossing to return a Christmas present that was not the right size, then just down the road to Silvertones for lunch where I had a grilled ham and swiss on rye with tomato. After that it was a walk back across the common and down Charles St. to MGH where I dropped off my friend. Then I walked back to the Seaport via Faneuil Hall where I shopped and found a fabulous cream colored cashmere scarf for 40$.

Nothing like a little retail therapy and being outdoors to help one be less sad.

Losing weight won't cure you

I had been tired all fall, I've described it several different ways to family, but it's a noticeable fatigue. Mostly in my head, and by that I don't mean phycological, I mean that I feel like my face is tired, my BRAIN is tired. I've told people that I feel like someone is sitting on my cheeks. I know, odd way to describe it, but true. I was associating it with the pain, but now know they are not related.

When I was in college I felt a smiliar way, tired all the time, wanting to just sleep, a nagging headache. I gave into it back then and indulged my weariness with crap food and a groove on my sofa. Blood work would eventually show that I was hypothyroid. My father and aunt also have this condition and so the addition of the pill didn't mean much to me. Just something else to add to my daily routine, it didn't occur to me that it was due to my weight. I chalked it up to family history. The Levoxyl perked me up and I went on with my life never giving it another thought. Six years later when I got below 200 pounds I came off the little yellow pill. I was feeling hyper and rushed and jittery and tweeked and I had no idea why. I had been in job transition with no health insurance and was still taking the dose for 345 lb Sarah. This was in 2004 sometime and once again I never gave it another thought. Well, except to proudly declare that losing the weight had "cured" my hypothyroidism. And it did, for a while.

Today, like every morning I got up and headed to the bathroom. I hopped on the scale (after the toilet tmi) and was happy with the number at my toes. 158 lbs is something I used to dream about. I feel like I am living at this weight. After a lifetime of being heavy to now be normal is something that is so wonderful I can sometimes not put words to it. But at the same time, I can't escape what those years did to me. The body is simply not equipped to handle the excess weight. I have no idea how many extra pounds or how long you carry them is too much but I do know that losing weight is not going to cure you of all the problems that you had while you were heavy. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. It drives me crazy to see people talk about the need to cure the obesity epidemic because hey-- if all those fat people just lost weight health care costs would go down. Yeah, notsomuch.

So there is a chat with my PCP in my future. My blood work gets automatically released to me via my electronic chart and I knew she was testing my thyroid because of my fatigue complaint and so was not really surprised to see the little flags next to the abnormal results. I am however bummed out by this turn of events. In the what could be wrong with you scale it's not a big deal, but something I thought I had left behind in my fat days. Apparently not. This sadness will pass and I'll get re-medicated but I know now that you have to give your health some thought. Just because you have reached thin, doesn't give you a free pass. Thanks for the reminder universe.

Gall Stones?

Maybe. Ultrasound in early February but she seems to think that is the culprit of the lack of appetite and the pinging pain. Dr. Google makes me think it might be too. Crappy blood draw this morning to go along with the office visit. Pain in my right arm is actually kind of nutty and is now getting tingly in my fingers. Phlebotomist blamed it on my deep veins. Yeah, 185 pounds ago. Had some bad blood draws back then, too much fat kept my veins well hidden, but nothing ever like this.

Time to warm compress.

$$$

Friday's appointment went well, but the surgeon I picked... I think he is out of my price range. The quote also included a scar revision of the divot in my left knee. He thinks that I will benefit from the thigh lift and that it should be a pretty simple procedure compared to what I went through last summer. It would be T shaped with the scar running to about mid thigh medially and the top of the T would wrap around the crease in my leg to the hip bone to just under my buttock in the back. He said that for about 2 weeks it would be diffucult to sit and for 4 weeks I would need to avoid any hip flexing movement. You have to put a great deal of tension on the skin when you pull it back together and apparently it is easily pulled apart. He would also lipo just behind my knees and use some of that fat to flatten out the above mentioned divot from all those ACL fiascos. Total cost, a whopping 8,200K! Yikes, this was several thousand more than I was anticipating and I think I am going to have to find someone else.

There are lots of plastic surgeons in Boston. As I told twin sis all fall, you just have to work the process. I desperately want this done so I'll be scheduling a few more consults, probably even one with surgeon she used. She got great results and the price was right. I also need to inquire as to wether Dr. Brueing is ever returning but even the head of the dept. yesterday was all, no one knows why he left and no one is sure if he is coming back. Meeting with that surgeon yesterday though only reinforced that I have "great deal" of skin between my thighs and that it needs to go.

Socially Retarded

As a follow up to the last post, cuteness does not equal having friends. Complete strangers are ridiculously nice to me but when it comes to having friends...I feel socially retarded. I was never the one to have a BFF or even a group of girlfriends. The Sex in the City experience is not one I can relate too. I can think of several reasons why.

First being the twin sis. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces and we are the best of friends. I wouldn't trade her for anything, but when you are a little kid with a built in playmate of the same age... making friends isn't at the top of your priority list. Especially if you are the fat kid. Twin sis and I were never allowed to be in the same homeroom class together, which was fine, but somedays I wished we had been. Protection and all that. I can still recall the humiliation of an indoor recess one day in 5th grade. The girls had their cliques and they were giggling and whispering and the boys were drawing on the chalk board. One drew a HUGE circle, stood on a chair to do so in fact and then he drew a tiny circle at the top and four little sticks for arms and legs. It was me. I cried, no one came to my defense and when I said anything I was taunted with the words, "Don't make her mad or she'll sit on you."

Ugh.

Second is obviously the weight. It's the rare few that look past pounds, especially when you are younger. I can't imagine what it must be like to be an overweight teenager these days especially with the media going on and on about it. At least in the 1990's I was something of an anomaly and while I felt pressure to lose weight, I didn't feel ostracized by society like I suspect some do now. High school wasn't all bad, no one teased me at my boarding school and we were all able to find our niche. I found mine by hanging out with guys. Hanging out is probably giving myself too much credit... I managed the football team and it was job I loved and so I worked hard at it. Best.manager.ever. a guy called me all these years later when I friend req'd him on Facebook. In a dorm full of girls I never had a best friend and every year I had to be assigned a new student because I couldn't find someone who would want to room with me. I was the one all the girls asked about what the boys on the team thought of them. Trust me honey, you don't want to know.

Third is again, the weight. By time I got to college I was a pretty outgoing person. I'm sure lots of heavy people can relate. You smile a lot, makes jokes (at your own expense often) and are about as pleasant as you can be. My most favorite job ever was at a local coffee shop. I worked 5:30-noon for years and cultivated my ability to make chit chat. When I finally quit a loyal customer told me how much he was going to miss my own personal brand of sunshine. I was at my heaviest while I was at that job (I've still never met a pastry I don't like) but that was pretty much all I did. My sheer size physically kept me from getting out and doing things with people. I would always worry about fitting in the booth at Chili's or at the movies. I'd make plans and cancel on the few who gave me a chance. Living in one of the most active cities in the country people all around me were always going up into the mountains to hike or ski and I was just sitting in my apartment letting life pass me by. Even when I did start taking off the weight it was very much a solitary process. I'd pass women walking the bike path together happily chatting and think, "I want that."

All that adds up to me wondering now how at 33 I find a way to make friends or be more social with the "friends" that I already have. I'm not shy by any means, I know how to hold a conversation, I'm bright and approachable. How do I translate that into something meaningful I wonder? Maybe I want too much? Maybe I am just reacting to a ridiculous trial schedule and lack of husband in my world? A twin sis who is making something with her man?

However at the same time, I know that I thrive on interaction with people, I'm pursuing a career where I will work directly with individuals because I know that will make me happy. But in my personal life I feel like I have missed my chance at making friends. Most of the women my age are having babies and loving mommy hood. Kids aren't even on my radar currently and while I would love to hang out with the girls I've reconnected with via FB, I don't think I'm even considered because of my lack of wee ones and the fact that I live in the city. Boarding school friends were from all over and I went to college in a different state. Even making friends on the internet baffles me. Blogher? Seriously, how and why do these women find each other? Again, maybe I am expecting too much, but some people to go out with every once in a while would be nice. I hate to say it but I'd give anything to be part of a clique.

Readjustment

I had thought that I was over feeling like, I'm not really sure how to say it actually. I had adjusted to my new shape prior to surgery last year... it had been years of maintenance and several years of losing and while I wasn't always comfortable in my skin, I had adjusted to how I look. I had become accustomed to the looks from other people as well. And yes, mostly from men, but women do check each other out as well, it's just way more subtle.

Here I am in this new body and this time there wasn't that slow gradual change. You go to sleep one way and wake up another. Seven months later and I am still overwhelmed somedays by my new shape.

It's so normal.

But also, demoralizing? Is that the right word? Ugh, I am having a hard time putting this onto paper, well, the internets. The response I get from people as the person I am now... sometimes it's totally __________________. Insert your adjective there. I am mostly the same person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 7 months ago-- just way skinnier and as I said above, I'm just normal.

Someday I will come to grips with the fact that people are shallow and visual and that a cute outfit on the body I have now will take me farther than my kind eyes, great smile and warm personality.

Next!

Made an appointment to meet with a new plastic surgeon on Friday. I'm tired of my thighs not matching my middle. I'm feeling hyper aware of it lately. Probably because it's cold and pants are still a difficult fit for me. You think it's hard finding clothes at 200 pounds? 300 pounds? They do not make clothes for skinny women who used to be fat. Very frustrating to be a "normal size" and still not have pants fit. Argh.

Something different

I'm cleaning out the rest of the stuff at the house that didn't make the cut into the apartment. This included three air conditioners. A tiny one and two rather large units. I took one of the big ones to the Cape today and the other two down one flight of stairs so that it will be slightly easier come recycling day on Friday. I have no idea how much these things weigh, but I struggled with the largest one. I'd venture a guess to say at least 50 pounds. Amazing. Amazing! I carried that times 3 plus some for so long. Can you imagine if your body didn't accommodate and you actually physically felt the weight of all that well, weight? I don't think anyone would ever be heavy. But the body adjusts. Alas.

Something I was surprised by today... My upper body strength isn't great, I'm working on that again-- I picked up a book that a fellow blogger raved about and I covet her arms, so we'll see. /blogress. Carrying those heavy air conditioners and really any heavy box lately is a different experience. I used to brace the weight against my stomach hang. It was like extra padding around my hips and since there was so much of it what ever I was carrying rested on that part of me and not on my thighs. No more. Ouch. My thighs are all beat up, especially just above the knee caps where the air conditioner I was carrying bumped up against me because it was too heavy to carry away from my body. I need to be stronger, or accept my limitations, but I'm so ready to be done with that place.

Not too much more to take care of over there. I've been ridiculously productive this week. I'm ready to keep looking forward and not back.

Squish

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the move. How do you go from 2500+ square feet to 960? With lots of contractor bags, many trips to GoodWill and relatives who will take pretty much anything you want to pass off on them is how.

We will be having M's sister stay with us for the week. I'm a wee bit nervous but I can whip this place into shape before she gets here on Sunday evening. I've been through all the boxes but can't find the stupid little metal holder upper thingies for my bookcases. I don't want her sleeping among boxes. I imagine Home Depot must have such an item. If not it's back to Ikea to dig through the miscellaneous parts box.

Everything will find it's place. My kitchen is stuffed to the gills. Have had to make some hard decisions-- kept all the LeCruset and my vintage Pyrex and Grandparents china... the rest is still up for debate.

Maybe less food?