By this time tomorrow...

I'll hopefully be getting ready for bed in a new house.  This is one of my least organized moves ever.... but with a three month old how could it be anything but?  We also all have colds and my arm has just stopped hurting me.

You don't need to do work!

I've eaten nothing but cookies since Christmas, well, a few pieces of fruit and some take out too, but mostly cookies.  I am miraculously still 185.

I need routine.  It's a sprint to next week when take a short trip to Florida but after that... looking forward to hunkering down for a bit this winter!

Experience tells me...

I've got a problem.  I burnt my arm, right on the biceps and the flab the other day.  It's about two inches long and a half an inch across, the oven was set to 450.  The skin blistered and fell off in the center of the burn leaving that ugly yellowness behind.  The last two days has seen an increase in redness around the burn site. I'm applying anti-biotic ointment but I'm not sure it's helping.  I just dug out the non-washable pen and traced the area, we'll see what it looks like in another 8 hours.  I need this like I need a hole in the head right now.  

Overwhelmed

We move in a week and I haven't packed a single thing.  It's all I can do to get the (holiday) errands run and keep the place picked up.  Thankfully the wee one is so cute... that keeps me from totally falling apart!  She sleeps well... falls asleep faster and sleeps more soundly than I do.  However her biggest block is from 5ish to 9ish and then again till 2ish.  That second block and the one after requires some resettling, so it's not like I can sleep all that time.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  I know this, but right now it seems far far away.  It's hard not to resent those who tell me they are tired when they CHOOSE to stay up late.  Lack of sleep is affecting my general attitude and my ability to find some holiday spirit. Honestly feeling rather Bah Humbug.

I like to look at this picture and think she is saying, "It's okay Mom, you are doing the best you can."  I'm trying not to feel like a reject about it, but I feel like I am failing at "Baby's 1st Christmas".  I haven't stuffed her into a stocking for a silly picture, we haven't sat on the Mall Santa's lap, hell, I don't even have a gift for her. Hopefully years from now she won't care.

Moving

The 28th.  Another year without a Christmas.  Next year...

Where are your stretch marks?

I need to be cutting myself some slack.  I have never ever been good at this.  Why is it that less than three months after the baby I am already feeling like I should be back to my pre-pg weight?  I am not a super model, a celebrity or a food obsessed blogger so why am I comparing myself to them? Bad Sarah.

When I had my six week check-up with the OB he said to give myself four months before I got serious about losing the weight.  He also asked me, not joking, where are your stretch marks?  I didn't gain a single new mark, all though there were days where I was convinced they were just waiting to happen.  I think because of how my plastic surgeon cut and pulled the skin, my "fat stretch marks" were able to accommodate my baby without the need for new ones.  My abdominal scar weathered pregnancy well except that I am pretty sure it was what kept my baby breech. I was stitched down so tight and there is enough scar tissue in there that I don't think she was comfortable head down.  

The c-section scared the crap out of me, but in the end, it was fine.  Easiest recovery ever-- I think because the pregnant body is on hyper heal and in top form.  They went in over my old scar and then through the fascia a bit to the left, basically where I broke open in '09.  I came back together really well.  Scar is currently a bit red and in some places pigmented.  I also have some pigmentation in my knee and thigh lift scars that will probably never go away. If that's the worst of it then I got off easy.

I think I am going to give myself to the end of the year before I get serious...  I have always been awesome at the J.1. start.  Currently I am tracking what I am eating but slacking on the effort to cut back.  It's the holidays, I am more or less okay with where I am at for the moment and life has been a bit stressful.  Too stressful to diet imho but not too stressful to maintain.  I was trying to diet for a week or so, but nursing my baby is still important to me and my limited supply was affected by less calories.  I can see that coming to end however.  I think a better use of 75$ a month would be for a gym membership and not a breast pump.  Being a mom comes with all sorts of trade offs.

Despite the extra pudge I am very happy with how I came out the other side of being pregnant.

 

The secret ingredient

Is exercise.

I want to join a gym again, maybe go mornings?  She's a happy baby then, could leave her with husband, once on weekends and then twice a week?

I am tired of hurting... but still have a couple of years to go to get to five years knee surgery free. 3rd ACL was festering 5 years ago about now. Ew.  And then 3 years ago I was dying from the worst.pain.ever.  Bone granules from the graft I needed post debridement got stuck and calcified in my soft tissue while working their way up and out of the tibial tunnel.  Ouch.

I can't believe that was five years ago.  Was it really that long ago now I was in the best shape of my life?  It was a different knee back then though, empty and raw.  Now it's crowded, remodeled and inflamed.

Data says to lose weight and exercise to reduce OA pain.  It's honestly something I have never given a fair shot.  I should do that.  I've scheduled a physical, time to get a baseline.

Manageable

We are moving.  Again.  Last two plus years my life has been pretty comfortable, garaged parking and elevators.   Place we looked at today would be okay for my knee.  I really hope we get it.  Really really really.

Baby Wearing

Awful burn in my wrists + Less than optimal nursing sitch + Need to get sh*t done = My new favorite thing-- a Mei Tai wrap.

My uncle sewed this one for me and I love it.  The colors do scream little boy though... so I am hoping to have him sew me another one.  I need to pick out fabric first and have yet to cross that errand of my list.  Hopefully this week.

I am amazed by how much she looks around now.  So wide eyed just taking everything in.  Occasionally she will sleep, but mostly she just looks.  I like it because I feel compelled to keep moving, sitting down with it on while she is awake leads to fussiness.  If she does fall asleep then I'll sit, but not until I feel I have taken advantage of the opportunity of sleeping baby and hands free.

I'd really like her to get used to being worn.  It's better on my hands and back and it's nice to be so close to her.  Kissable and visible is how you are supposed to wear your baby.  Ideally I can get to a point where I could wear her in public.  That seems a bit scary  (I have no idea why) but we will get there.  Currently we have about 30-45 mins max before she is done.  I'm attempting to wear her at least twice a day to build up her stamina.  She's still a wee bit wobbly in the head- this is also helping with that but she's doing pretty good in there without a whole lot of support.

Or maybe not?

The body is so weird... or maybe the baby is just content to comfort nurse.  Also fine. <3

And that was that.

My milk supply was tenuous.  Breast feeding was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I did not bring the pump over the weekend and it seems that I have dried up.  I guess I am not really surprised.  I have a few pictures of me with her on my breast.  I will treasures those, but this is for the best.
 

I need a hair cut

I keep waiting for my hair to fall out after pregnancy... but I think if it was going to, it would have by now?  I desperately need a haircut.  It grew so fast at the end of the summer after my last one.  That was a fun day, trip to the salon prior to the firm boat cruise, all the way back in July. Needless to say my split ends are a little out of control almost 5 months later.  I only wash every three days or so, but I blow it out when I do. I need to make an appointment but also need a wingman to watch the wee one. I should do it sooner rather than later though before the damage gets worse.  I'm sure it will still be long even after that is taken off.  I'm continuing to take the prenatal vitamins (without Iron) daily as they do awesome things for my hair and nails!    

Fun fact, baby is as long as some of the longest hairs on my head.

Clarification

I am on a DIET.  Yes that 4 letter word.  Lifestyle change has already happened in my world.  No need to pretend it's anything different than it is.

Today's fruits and veggies
Banana and blueberries, Pear, roasted beet and sweet potato, carrot and green pepper sticks.

If I eat better

I feel better.  Even though I know this to be true it still took me until Sunday to get our Boston Organics box for the week.  Lame.  Knee excuse when it arrived and then we went to VT.  M has been too busy for packages. I lost the sprouts and the Spring Mix unfortunately.

Fruits and veggies for the day:
Apple, banana, kiwi, blueberries, broccoli and beets.

Osteoarthritis and chronic low level inflammation

This is interesting to me.  Research out of Stanford suggests that OA is not solely caused by wear and tear on the joints but instead is linked to inflammation.  This does not surprise me. There is a great podcast that explains it in more detail if you would like to know more.  It honestly makes me want to see a rheumatologist considering how many places I have OA agony. It is back with a vengeance after being pregnant. Your immune system is suppressed while pg and I found that for myself conditions involving inflammation were much better while carrying Ella. My asthma? Non-existent, I even stopped using my control meds, but now, I'm carrying my rescue inhaler again just in case.  My OA in my knee?  Barely felt it, sure there was mechanical dysfunction, but otherwise, it was a welcome break.  I noticed it creeping back in about 6 weeks post and every morning when I get up now I am confronted by stiff hands, knee and back.  Sigh.

This tiny little creature is kicking my ass. I had a hard time getting out of a chair over the weekend.  That was a reality check.  I have a hard time getting down to and then up off of the floor.  Last Friday my knee cracked so loud upon rising that two of the women in the room for my mommy and me class commented on it!  Yeah- it's that loud.  That was also a reality check.  But what to do about it?  The knee is so compromised I fear I'll never be fixable. My old Ortho told my sister just that when she was in for a check of her own pain a couple weeks back. No doubt all the trauma my knee has endured, klutz, surgical and pathological plays a role, but this inflammation cascade is well on it's way.  I have no idea what this means for some one my age. 

Thinking further on this research I wonder if the assumption that it is the excess weight on the joints causing wear and tear causing OA will hold or if the chronic low level inflammation condition that comes with obesity will be shown to play a role as well.  I think maybe yes, as I can't understand why else the OA in my hands could be as bad as it is - no wear and tear there.  I'm tempted to dig out my biochem notes to read up a little on the science of this all. It helps me to understand why and how I am falling apart. 

My body is totally out of whack.

I feel like I need PT for being post-partum. My list of aches and pains is long but it is my wrists that hurt the most right now.  Numbness and tingling and burning oh my!

I don't bake

My Aunt whipped up a blueberry buttermilk coffee cake this morning for breakfast from scratch!  Who does that?  Certainly not me.  Makes the every once in a while treats that much more special and yummy.  She also made a red velvet cake for last night's desert with some sort of boiled frosting.  Her binder of recipes is epic.  3 inches, plastic sleeves.  She's making 16 types of cookies / candies for her box this year. I want one.

Wasn't a great food weekend, but the treats were home made.

In other news, my baby is a trooper- over 4 hours each day in the car, a tree hunt, 11 relatives and then a trip to see Daddy and friends at the office when we got home.

I need to nap while she naps.

Mr. Cow

It's what? only 5:20pm?  Already been a food fail... Day started with 2 month appt. and then a mommy and me class.  The shots were fine... delayed reaction until 4 hours later at the tail end of class.  Screams like I personally have never heard.  I imagine the heel stick was similar. Poor thing- I know how I feel about shots.  Some baby tylenol, nursing session (probably one of, if not, the last one). and a conversation with Mr. Cow and all is right with the world again. She really is a good baby- cuddly and cute thankfully.  Some are notso cuddly.  My heart breaks for those moms.  There is one in my class and you can tell it is wearing on her.

So back to me. I ate because she was hurting and unhappy when we got home. Seemingly the only way to calm myself down after that was to eat?  wtf Sarah? I feel like I have been making excuses for days... weeks even.  She is only two months old, but I need to be way nicer to myself if I am going to last for her.  I guess it's a good thing I couldn't do much damage.  Husband has been working late all week so there are precious few snacks in the house and not much in the freezer.  Still 2 pop tart type things, 3 rolls with butter and handful of mini summer sausages later I was totally regretting my choices.  Regretting food choices is not my style, feeling out of control re:food is not a comfortable place for me.  I need to work on my coping mechanisms if I am going to be a good Mom.  Also need to work on not beating myself up when I do cope with food.  This is all new and as I know lifestyle change is slow and gradual.  Nothing slow and gradual about bringing home a baby!

Once again tomorrow I will try and eat with purpose.  Which could be hard given we are road tripping to Northern VT for a Christmas tree.  I'll give it my best shot as always.

I think I need to start blogging again.

Today is her two month birthday.  She has and will continue to change my life.  This is my daughter Gabriella born at 12:01 am on October 1st.

I need to get back in touch with myself.  I hate being fat - can't believe I am saying that but it's all relative. I was 209 at my highest weight when pregnant.  I only know it was that high because I had my sister peek at the scale for me.  The weight gain was hard.  I was 166 the day I found out which was January 27th- see the post below.  I was 186 this morning.  I had high hopes for my day and I ate like crap.  Accountability?  To the internets?  Do I need it?  Maybe.

I know I can do this- I can climb this 20+ pound mountain.  It's not 185 pounds.  I'd like to get back to under 160 so 26 pounds.  That's only 14% of what I had lost in the past.  I have a completely different life now and different responsibilities.  But I know I can.  I must.  Life post pregnancy is kicking my ass.  All my joints hurt, my wrists especially.  The knee?  A MESS.  Hurts in all the ways it possibly can.  But the big difference from where I was a year ago?  When I was sporting my cane and a HP Placcard?  Her.  And thyroid meds.  More on that to come.  I need to keep getting up and going.  One foot in front of another.  As they said in the hospital- do that hard now for the easy later.  Welcome back to hard Sarah.

I'm back.

Leap of Faith

I'll be closing down this blog.  Thanks for reading.

Parallels

School starts back up on Monday and while I had grand ambitions of blogging a bunch over the holiday I just never got to it.  Shortly after classes ended (day after actually) I flew to SF to spend the weekend with my husband who was out there for business.  I met new people and reconnected with old friends and packed a lot into those five days.  Then it was the holidays and we took off for vacation to Southern California. It was lovely.  :)  Sunny and warm and no snow.

I fell

Snow makes this a rare treat... I can see where I slipped, landed and then where I put my foot back down and got back up.

One foot in front of the other.  

Vacation Again

I know I know... Seems like we take a lot of them. However in the past year or so they have really been the only quality time I have spent with my husband.  On average he billed more hours in a week last year than most people work.  When you think about all the non-billable stuff people have to do in a day... yeah. But the job suits him, his intelligence and his personality, I just wish that it didn't have to run him ragged.  It's also hard on a relationship...  At least for me.  I often feel more lonely now as a married woman than I did when I was single. School helps and I am looking forward to throwing myself back into it soon.  He used the word nasty to describe the schedule coming down the pipeline.  One trial for sure, but most likely a second in May.  I remember when he first joined the firm, trials are rare he said.. most settle.  I've yet to see that.  It makes vacation that much more special and that much more bitter sweet.

And so here we are wrapping up our third trip of the year... Savannah in May, Montana in July and then this trip to Southern California.  I do enjoy watching him relax and unwind.  We spent the first part of vacation exploring San Diego but since then have been just outside of Palm Springs staying at this place called Two Bunch Palms.  They have a mineral hot spring and in their "grotto" have two pools, one at 104 and the other at 95.  We've spent numerous hours soaking and reading and relaxing.  It's been perfect.

Except for the food.  I've eaten fast food every day and I feel it.  Everything from Panda Express to Sakru Japan to Wienerschnitzle to Del Taco to Five Guys.  I love that in California almost everything has calories posted.  We've patronized some local establishments (A Mexican place in Hermosa Beach the day we got here comes to mind) but M is still watching sodium, better to know.  We had Applesbee's tonight and while I am not a WW gal, the steak and potato Points Plus salad was exactly what I needed.  I've been surviving by ordering the small, forgoing my own thing of fries or whatever and ordering veggies where ever possible (like Panda Express).  I've been having Starbucks oatmeal for breakfast with a banana.  I'm doing okay, but you can see the sodium bloat in the picture below.  You can also see my "dog ear." Part of plastic surgery.  Wish Dr. B hadn't bailed on BWH before he tucked that in for me, but what can you do.  I like the second picture much more, I'll probably never get over my belly button. It's one of my favorite things about me. /blogress

I am looking forward to getting back to my life and back to routine. Spring semester has some early morning!   I also need to figure out the knee.  I had a rock bottom moment this week when I thought my cane was gone...  Thank you Social Media, post to come when it arrives safe and sound at home.  I've been doing okay, the lidocain patches help, but when they come off, I ache.  In a way I have never experienced before.  I am starting to suspect that's bone on bone pain.  Vacation is about saying yes and I resent the fact that pain has me saying no more often than I like.  Thankfully husband can deal with me and my cry baby ways...  Still I want to do better.  For me, for him and for us. 

Out of the office

I should blog.  I should do a lot of things.