Saturday, January 22, 2011

Parallels

School starts back up on Monday and while I had grand ambitions of blogging a bunch over the holiday I just never got to it.  Shortly after classes ended (day after actually) I flew to SF to spend the weekend with my husband who was out there for business.  I met new people and reconnected with old friends and packed a lot into those five days.  Then it was the holidays and we took off for vacation to Southern California. It was lovely.  :)  Sunny and warm and no snow.



Except...  I don't know what this lump is.  It's nothing serious... but it left me freaked out when it showed up overnight about midway through our trip.  The lump is over a bony prominence that has been on the bridge of my foot for years.  An old weight related injury that remodeled itself along the way.  It had been easy to ignore, never painful, but could make some shoes uncomfortable.      
I saw a Podiatrist when I got back and that was a surprisingly positive experience.  A female doctor who deals with mechanical parts is a rarity in my life.  It was nice to have a conversation with some one who had experienced similar things as me.  To hear her say she had also had her ACL replaced years ago and for her to understand the anguish I feel over those decisions was so helpful...  I carry around so much guilt over what I have done to my body.  She reminded me that none of what has happened is my fault.
So we have determined it's probably not a ganglion.  It would be harder and more "leverageable". She attempted to aspirate the lump thinking it could be an inflamed bursa sac but was unable to get out any thick viscous fluid.  Only a tiny bit of thin watery fluid that she had cultured just in case.  The lump is still there and while not getting larger it is quite a pain in my ass.  Any sort of pressure on it and my toes tingle.  There is also some ache that goes along with it but the knee drowns that out.  She thinks it is probably a tendon sheath, but to be sure would have to go in and look at it.  I declined, I am still interested in being surgery free for 5 years. She thought that was wise.

It was nice talking to some one who was willing to share information. When I first got back from vacation I saw the urgent care clinic.  It surprised the Podiatrist (although not me) that the urgent care Doc had not shown me the X-rays.  She was so thorough in her questioning of me and my history.  I did not understand why she asked twice about where I had arthritic joints.  Knee of course, back (based on the pain) a few knuckles and that was it... I thought.

There is degenerative arthritis in my ankle too.  In several places.  It doesn't hurt yet but knowing that and actually seeing it there.  Hard on my heart.

So where are the parallels?  I can't recall if I have said on this blog before... but I feel like the body I inhabit now is just as difficult to live in as my 345 pound version.  The main difference is now I am in pain, back then I was just supremely uncomfortable.  I know I would be so much worse off if I hadn't lost the weight... but that's hard to hold on to when you aren't even interested in getting out of bed in the morning because you hurt.

Today has been struggle but like every other day, it is one foot in front of the other.  Cute clothes & accessories, hairs did and make up are a must every day.

I think it's time to make my inside match my outside.  I'm working on a plan... I don't expect miracles but I need to get myself back.  I need to put out there a version of myself that other people can have faith in.

2 comments:

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

Beautiful post, Sarah. I think few people consider that even after we've lost the weight our bodies will tell tell stories of a 236 pound woman or how ever much we weighed. I see visions of breast sagging in our future, but it's an'after photo' I'm willing to work towards.

russ said...

Heya,

Loved our exchanges over Twitter, so I checked out your blog. Shoot me an e-mail! info@secondhelpingonline.com.

Last fall I had a seriously infected foot I was running/boxing/working on until I came close to losing the puppy. Injuries still freak me out; the thought of not being able to work out still terrifies me.

In some ways, yes, New Body is just as thorny as Old Body. In some ways, worse because the threat of returning to Old Body exists.

I think the key difference is this; we made a choice, years ago, for things to not stay as they were.

We can't erase who we were, nor even should we if we could. There's a great deal of power and strength that comes with completely changing your body in a very image-conscious society. To have seen life from two opposing extremes. Beyond the weight loss hype and gloss, that power gets criminally overlooked.

And what I found after losing 200+ pounds was variations of that same choice -- how I want my life to go -- are ones I make every day. If I made that choice once, and so successfully, 8 years ago, I can keep on making those same choices now. That's what keeps me going when things are going like I'd hoped, or regret the first 24 years of my life.

Making the inside and outside match was the whole reason I began this long, adventuresome journey m'self. It's also why I made it my mission to really spotlight post-weight issues. I think of it like the cliche before/after photos. All the help with "before" isn't enough unless you also offer support for the "after."

Shoot me an e-mail! Definitely want to talk more!

Best,
Russ