Ouch.

That belly button muscle pull is still plaguing me. I didn't know that there was a muscle there. Well, I've seen a picture of it on people with a six pack, but on myself, I had no idea it existed. It does, and I tweaked it. I'm not sure how long it will take to heal, but it does hurt. Rubbing that area helps, also ice and a pain killer. Hopefully it will pass soon, standing up straight is once again painful.

The solution to pollution is dilution.

Wow. Just wow. I know that there would be days like this, but I feel like since having returned from vacation I have been nothing but swollen. I seem to start fresh every morning but by mid day. Yikes! I have been way more active this week. I wonder how long I need to keep this up before my body eases off on the fluid retention? I'm drinking lots of water and still holding onto it.

What pollution are we diluting? Best guess is period & hormones (sorry guys for TMI) and also general muscle repair. You have to use your muscles to make them stronger. There is a small pull next to belly button. It's been sore since getting back on my bike and sweeping today made me cry out audibly. It'll heal up. I'm going to try and lay low this weekend and rest.

Pshaw... I feel like there is way too much to do before school starts.

I like to ride my bicycle

I spent the afternoon downtown watching the 'copters and Kennedy travel through the city. Twin sis has a great view. I rode my bicycle there and back. If everyday was like today I wouldn't own a car.

And I'm back

It's so humid here. Like ridiculous. I feel like the air is clinging to me. I don't really sweat anymore unless I am exerting myself. Weather like this way back when would have had me red faced and dripping instantly. I don't miss it. I wonder if it was because the fat insulates you or it just requires more energy to simply be at that weight. It's hard to remember what that was like.... even though I lived it.

FLG posted about how his high weight and all that went with it is starting to seem like a dream. I so understand that. As you get further away from it and are able to maintain (or continue losing if need be) it starts to feel like that was never your life, but it was. A dream, a nightmare, whatever. You experienced it but like everything it fades with time. Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely forget what that was like and start putting on weight.

I don't think so, but it is still a fear.

Anyway, back from vacation and was a puffy 162 this morning. It's that time of month and I'm feeling it. I wonder if the novelty of this new body will ever wear off? I still can't believe how bloated one gets with their period. Or maybe this is still post surgical issues. Hard to say but in a few days it will pass.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

I'm afraid that is going to be me someday. It's been almost two weeks since I fell and I am still hurting. I was carrying a plant and stepped into a pothole. My right ankle rolled, my core couldn't compensate and then my left knee gave out and down I went. This is always the way it happens, even when I have core strength, and I land directly on my already injured knee. The picture above is from the next day and I am leaning against the window sill. I'm noticing my left leg is darker. From that angle you can't see the fluid retention in my calve but the left leg is larger than the right. Especially after a fall. I often notice people looking at my leg, I got the saddest look ever from a little old lady sitting on a bench earlier this week. These looks are almost harder on me than the fat stares. Why is revulsion easier to cope with when it's not accompanied by pity and/or confusion?

I'm still putting one foot in front of the other though and will continue to do so. I did see my orthopedic doc before I left. He stared at the wall and offered me a cortisone shot. wtf. What I really wanted were some x-rays. It's hard for me to take him at his word based on his (and mine) track record with these bone grafts. I'll be in touch with my PCP when I get back, she said if he didn't order them to come back to her and she would. I hope she meant it. I need the peace of mind.

We are headed back into the park tomorrow. I'll strap on my hiking boots and off we'll go. I need to keep moving.

On Vacation

We are at Yellowstone again. First trip out here was in 2005, then again in 2007 and 2008. I was in ridiculous shape for the trip in 2007. Last year was.... notsohot. This year is lovely with both of us going at our own pace, which is a bit run down actually. M from work and his fluctuating health issue and me from the flu before I left plus the fall that kicked my ass. Oh and the plastics. After a day of travel and then a day of driving-- Wow, puffy! Uncomfortably puffy in fact. I switched to a skirt yesterday so I could wear the binder. It helped even though I was a bit chilly.

So far we've done a few walks; Norris Geyser Basin, down to the brink of the Lower Falls, up and around the travertine terraces in Mammoth. I think Friday we will do a 5 mile hike out to Fairy Falls. Doesn't look too strenuous and it is something we haven't done yet. We've actually seen/done a bunch of things we hadn't done yet, that's what I love about Yellowstone, always something more to see. And even if you have seen it before it could be different now. Mammoth has changed dramatically in the past year. Over by Canary Spring the water has dried up along the boardwalk and is now cascading over another part of the terrace. It's amazing what you, or say a super heated spring, it's microbes and limestone can accomplish in a year. There is a webcam here.

Oink Oink

I think I have the swine flu. Symptoms include a high temp that came on suddenly. (I was napping in the sunshine yesterday and my nose was cold!) Horrible headache, bodyaches, sniffles, rumbly tummy and lack of appetite. I hope this doesn't last long I am very uncomfortable and find it hard to rest when all my muscles burn.

It was a weekend for kicking my own ass actually. Friday I fell, hard, and now my knee hurts when I bend it. Something was shoved out of place. Fortuitously I have an appointment with my knee doc tomorrow. It's been 6 months since he scraped the bone and I am having pain in that area again. It's not quite like it was but still sore and tender. Months later the bone shouldn't hurt. Sigh. I better be better by tomorrow or else I am going to that appointment with a mask.

You don't look like you ever weighed that much.

Or another popular line, you don't look like you needed plastic surgery. If this is what my arms look like you can imagine what the tummy was like. For the most part though, my arms don't bother me, even with all the extra skin. It never keeps me from putting on a sleeveless top or a dress with spaghetti straps. Hiding I think is worse. I love sunshine on my shoulders and the breeze on my neck. Tee shirts, long sleeves in summer-- Screw it. Most people don't notice anyway unless I point it out. I can see how tiny my arms would be and maybe someday when I'm older (and gravity continues to catch up) I'll do the rest of me. In the meantime, I'm loving summer.

My own camera

I haven't been taking pictures for a couple of years now. I use the camera on my iPhone a lot, but mostly it's of traffic that's pissing me off, the beach on the Cape where Gram's ashes are or stoopid cat photos. But now, I have my own camera again. The last one I had, an early Canon Elph drown in the bottom of a LV Speedy in a puddle of Diet Coke on my 29th birthday weekend in NYC. Since then I've had numerous cameras at my disposal but they are all way too much work for me and so my picture taking had come to a halt. Well, except for the hundreds of pictures I have taken of myself on my Mac which my husband only recently realized were there. Blogress: that was an oddly embarrassing/interesting moment. We were transferring pictures to my new Mac and M couldn't believe how many there were. He's in several... but I guess he didn't really know how often I took one. He was all, this is hilarious, and randomly started clicking on pictures. Most are happy and smily however the ones from last fall are depressing as all get out. They are a good indication of where I am with my weight. It comes back quick in my cheeks when I put on a few and taking a picture every few days helps me with perspective on maintenance.

Growing up as a kid my Dad was always taking pictures, both professionally and personally. Back in the day of film he took his own photographs for the stories he wrote and I can remember trips into Worcester to the T&G to bring in the film by deadline. I assume digital has changed all that. Point is I grew up around nice cameras and lenses. Now it's my husband with the nice camera and lenses. Twin sis also has a nice camera and lenses, (notice a pattern) and also a more advanced point and shoot she carts everywhere. She takes AMAZING pictures and keeps a photoblog that I check regularly. Between her and my husband they have some incredible skills/eye for composition but each also has their own forte. Twin sis takes amazing macro pics and the husband takes amazing portraits.

I just want to take good pictures of things I wish to get rid of on eBay, CL or whatever. Hopefully in a year we will be moving somewhere. Maybe near, maybe far, that's to be determined. This fall however it's time to get serious about applying to graduate programs. M said where ever.... so I'm looking into it. Regardless though, we need to downsize. I have no idea how in 7 years of being together we have so much stuff, but it has to go. Any Wallace Nutting fans out there? I'll make you a great deal on some antique hand colored photos.

Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot

With credit to Al Franken of course for one of the greatest titles ever of a book.

I suspect we might be in for a VERY SELF RIGHTEOUS Limbaugh in the coming months and possibly year(s) about his weight and his ability to simply get rid of it. I also fear some fat bashing, but I think he'd want to be way under 200 pounds before he gets that blatent. I'm honestly kind of amazed. 90 pounds since February? What is he not eating? He is going to waste away until he can't keep a check on himself. And then it will come back. He'll learn the hard way that this kind of extreme weight loss is not sustainable. It aggravates me to no end that he is promoting a get skinny quick idea and acting so blase about it. I don't think this is what overweight Americans need to hear right now. There needs to be talk of reasonable manageable livable change in our lifestyles. He has a national voice and the message he is spreading will simply add to the yo-yo that so many are on.

Limbaugh may be on a diet high right now but I'm going to assume it won't last. I can see why he probably felt pressure to lose the weight. I was just thinking the other day how difficult life would be for me if I were still heavy, the current climate around healthcare and politics would simply add to my self consciousness. I always felt very conspicuous as a 300+ woman, especially being my heaviest in the fittest state in country. Everyone is blaming the obese for everything; expensive healthcare, global warming, cramped planes. Rush can't get in on that game when he was himself. Earlier this year he tried to say it was the active people that were costing all those healthcare dollars, what with sports injuries and hip replacements and such. I think he realized that wasn't going to fly. Although it is interesting to note that his weight loss is all restrictive diet and not because of exercise, so he could probably still blame those fit folks as well as the fat for costing so many taxpayer dollars.

I wonder at what weight he will consider the shift to maintenance and how long that will last. He's no different than anybody else, quick fixes don't work. I can't wait to see what he'll say when he zooms back up to 300. But for now, he's going to be unpleasantly preachy.

Leaning

Leaning over sinks is now a different experience. Such a mundane little thing, but in the bathroom to see the mirror my skin would rest on the sink. In the kitchen it acted like a bumper up against the counter.

Now when I lean over the sink in the bathroom, I simply lean over it, nothing touches. In the kitchen I can stand flush up to the counter and cabinets. Like I said in my last post I am still missing some feeling so in the kitchen that feels a bit odd, this blank spot of no sensation except for swelling fullness. It feels worse than it looks, even at my puffiest I'm still flat.

School starts in a month!

Yikes! I'm so relieved that I can finally enjoy the summer.

Mostly.

I'm still swelling at the end of the day. Salt plays a role as does activity. It's an odd sort of feeling. Not exactly painful but more uncomfortable and I think that is because I can't feel all of that area yet. Some of it is back but there is still a place where there is none. When you touch it yourself it's hard to tell exactly, but someone else touching me... I know exactly where the line of sensation is. Makes me giggle it feels so weird. I hope it all returns, I've experienced the same in my knee but that now has a dead spot due to repeated surgeries.

I'm occasionally still wearing the binder, especially if I am going for a walk. I don't need to be held in anymore, but for some reason it just feels a little better. Not sure why, but I think it has to do with the lack of sensation and then the uncomfortable fluid feeling.

We are on the Cape and I walked down to the beach yesterday. Now I have shin splints. It's nice to be moving finally, I'll take the pain for the moment, it'll pass with more exercise.