Sunday, April 4, 2010

I have confidence in me!

I'm settling in to watch my most favorite movie ever. I have some A&P studying to do but it can wait. This post has been on my mind since Thursday. Maria was just singing about having confidence in yourself.

I lack that in my knee. Broken beyond repair is something that I struggle with because intellectually I know this is not my fault. I'd been very good about no tears in the new doctor's office, but Thursday was a torrent. All sorts of emotional tears too, nothing actually hurt except my heart. Ugh.

Tears of embarrassment. I hate falling. I hate that this happens to me and that I am so unwilling to do anything about it. That's where the embarrassment comes in. I've done so much good for my body but I am totally unwilling to do more. And by more I mean doing things that will cause more pain. I know if I don't build up strength that I am risking more damage in the long run and more health care dollars. When I was heavy I was embarrassed to be seen as burden on health care system. I'll add this was way before all the chatter about fat people causing the end of the world that goes on now. So even though I didn't do this to myself (unlike the weight) I am still responsible. I feel a sense of personal responsibility to not cost any more or do any more damage, but to do something about it = PAIN. I don't know if I am explaining this well, but my own persona mantra of being the best person you can be without sacrificing your own happiness certainly applies here. The physical pain that will be required to grind out some strength so I might not fall far out weighs the tears of embarrassment.

Tears of annoyance and frustration. Turns out they actually do have the SynviscOne. Doc brought in wrong box and I caught it immediately. Funny, last week when I asked the PA told me they only had the 3 shot version. Sigh. Wonder where the breakdown in communication happened there.

And lastly...

Tears of pain. These were emotional not physical and pretty much what open the flood gates. I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to the condition of my knee. When he pushed the needle in he said something under his breath about scar tissue. I let it slide at the moment but asked him about it as he was washing up. He said that there was so much of it, so much resistance, that you almost needed a hammer to get the needle past it. Nice mental image. I think I may have actually winced, I know my heart did. Tears started coming shortly after that. This doc has no physical experience with my knee except for this one shot, he's never seen the inside except for on film. I know there is scar tissue in there, I live it, being reminded in such a way was a wee bit hard on my heart.

So I need to go in there for the last shot on Thursday and have some confidence in me. No tears.


Melissa said...

I'm sorry to hear about the miscommunication regarding the one versus three shot version. That really sucks. But it's good to hear that the third shot will be completed soon, so your pain level should be a bit better for a while.

And by the way, The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies of all time. I am constantly getting those songs stuck in my head, even if it has been a long time since I last saw the movie. You've inspired me to watch it again soon.

Lori said...


You can do it. You are strong and you can really do anything you set your mind to.