How Bullshit is this?

The PS that I will meet with at the end of the month does submit to your insurance company for your plastic surgery. The woman I spoke to on the phone said that lots of gastric bypass patients get coverage for their excess skin removal. Not only because of skin breakdown issues and rashes but also because their excess skin is a result of something that (in most cases) insurance has already paid for. I had to ask the lady, are you telling me that this would be easier if I had had gastric bypass. She replied, "I'm not saying that, but it helps."

Great.

In case it's not obvious

This blog is really for me, but I just want to let you dear readers know that I do appreciate all of you and am so glad to know that people read this. Venting to the world does help. Maybe down the road I'll be one of those perky helpful bloggers, but right now life is beyond that for me. There are some great places to go for maintenance info and this blog is really about my health, mental and physical and also the journey of getting to where I want to go. Look for a name change I think in the future...

I'm not entirely comfortable giving out advice and all that yet, yes I know I am a success, and no, I'm not hiding anything or refusing to share, it's just that there will come a time when I get to be a licensed professional. I think that will be the appropriate time for me to share my thoughts/opinions on weight loss and of course keeping it off.

So in the meantime I'll update knee stuff, the plastic surgery stuff and the process of getting into school and how all that's going but there will be less focus on my weight. Which currently sits at 165. But I am pain free and hoping to move more as the weather gets warmer. Live a healthy life and your weight will reflect that.

Fail

Fist chemistry exam is this coming week. I am kind of freaking out, trying really hard not too but after the last two weeks of being told I wasn't doing enough the specter of disappointment looms HUGE. This past fall was really really hard on me. Even a week out I can tell that it was the pain that had sucked the life from me, but now, as I am trying my hardest I am afraid that it still isn't going to be good enough. How can I get my self confidence back after my best (with pain) wasn't even close to good enough. I am trying to move this family along too-- dropping the class isn't a sound option, that will only delay things further. I don't know how that is even a suggestion after beating me up for the past two weeks about not pulling my weight. Ugh.

C

My college GPA is not great, a 2.4 and the direct result of not going to class. You have to go to pass. If you don't go you can't even get yourself a C, which in a world of As and Bs would have done far less damage than a string of Fs and the only slightly better, IF. (Incomplete fail)

There were several semesters in which I started out with the best of intentions, especially those early knee problems... But as my weight climbed higher my class attendance suffered. Physically it was too hard to get there, (Why I ever believed this, I have no idea) the bus dropped me off too far, I didn't have clothes that fit, I hated wedging myself in those horrible desks with the writing surface attached, I had done the reading so why bother showing up in person... The list of excuses went on and on and the only way to drown out that shame and anxiety was to eat more. Can you see the cycle.... that only made it harder to move my bulk.

This time it's different. The classes I'm taking now help, but I'll still need some stellar essays. There is no way I can apply to grad school for dietetics and not speak to my past.

I'm healing

And can I say, my knee, even with the 5 stitches, looks a little more like a knee than it did last week.

Today's Mail

Brought me a skirt from LL Bean, my college transcript and the forms for the PS consult at the end of the month. I'm not trying to get my hopes up, but THEY ask for insurance info plus your PCPs info. Any little bit insurance could pay for would be awesome. It says to call if you have questions-- I should do that.

Inquiring minds

I had my knee surgery at the same hospital I am considering for plastics. I like that hospital, it's known to me and has a nice view of the Arboretum. I'd also personally pay for that anesthesiologist again. Brilliant. I woke up in tears, but I think now they may have been tears of joy masked by drugs. I certainly don't hurt like I did, this is simply surgical pain. I's burns, but it's better. I can only imagine what a mile of scar line will be like. Those will definitely be happy tears!

So while waiting I asked the nurses and staff what they thought of the plastic surgeon-- the RN who started my IV said he was a gentleman and I think later may have been the one to tell me all the nurses go to him. Someone else called him an artist!!! All in all I heard he was really nice guy. That's good news.

Sadly I don't get to meet with him until the 31st of March, but hopefully it will be worth the wait. Since I met with the guy at MGH it's been taking up a lot of thought. It is possible, I just need to reach out and grab it.

That went well today

I'm sleeping the sleep of the pain killers for few days.

I'm ready.

Whatever happens tomorrow I am okay with. Well, not death, but that's always a surgical risk. I'm not that unlucky. I'm hoping the doc has his game face on-- I am ready not to hurt. And so very ready to lose these 8 pounds of pain I put on in the past year.

I'll need a week to start healing-- two for turning a corner and six for a good result. I'm ready to get back into shape. Mentally and physically.

Broken

Mentally and physically this week. That's me. No Cat either. :c( And also the feeling that no one (well, a paticular one) has any understanding about how difficult this latest "complication" has been. I've said it before-- I feel like I wasted my twenties to being fat I have no desire to waste my thirties to pain, but every choice I make just seems to bring more of it. Again, mentally and physically.

Not my fault. Why does that sound like a cop out today?

Lots of accusations this week about not doing your best. Kind of hard when you'd be willing to cut off your own leg with a butter knife.

I had my pre-op this morning. Same PA as last year. Nice guy and was very willing to show me the xrays when I asked. He started pointing out all the foriegn bodies in my joint. Umm, add him to the list of people who don't read your chart before walking in the door. Dude, the foriegn bodies the surgeon is removing are in the soft tissue surrounding my tibia. But thanks for reminding me how fucked up my knee is.

February Ninth

Breakfast
Cheerios

Snack
Vanilla Power Bar
Nuts

Lunch
Chicken Rice Soup
Sq. of Dark Chocolate

Dinner
TBD

So up until I got home I was about 1000 calories on the day.
Now add:
2/3 c. rice crackers
1 serving mini apple rice cake
pear
1/2 Lara bar

Must stop snacking.

No cat yet. :c(

February Eighth

Breakfast
Top of a VERY sweet Cranberry Nut Muffin
Iced Vanilla Spice Coffee from DD

Lunch
Salad Green Leaf with cherry tomatoes, bacon bits, hard boiled egg, carrots and celery.

Snack
Vanilla chobani with raspberries
Grapefruit
Pear
Pretzels

Dinner
Luna Bar
Avocado Veggie wrap from the sushi bar

And a missing Cat. Oh noes! Twin Sis hung out with me today, I picked her up early and we went to the flea market, then she came over to do laundry and I brought her home. And her cat wasn't there. Cat comes and goes, she's 10 and been a city cat for a long time. To keep her in is to watch her pace like a jaguar at the zoo. It was such a nice day I am sure she wandered into an open window or basement. I hope she comes home soon. So after I dropped Twin Sis off I headed to the gym where I read chemistry while elipticaling and recumbent biking. I called mom to check in on the way home (who maintained this week! YaY!) and she told me about Cat. :c( I made some flyers (Twin Sis lacks a printer) and headed back down there to help her put them up. Twin Sis has done her part, now Cat needs to do hers.

February Seventh

Breakfast
Oatmeal with strawberries and mangoes
Venti Iced Coffee with Milk

Lunch
Chicken Vindaloo
This is one of those bowls from Trader Joes with a smidge of last nights chicken and dumplings on top. I had though the husband was going to eat all of last nights leftovers. He did eat ALL the dumpling but there was about a 1/4 cup left of chicken, sauce and carrots. Why am I justifying?

Snacks
Bowl o Berries
Apple

Dinner
Homemade Pizza
Made with fresh mozzarella, broccoli, peppers and basil.

Ah, shit. I always have the best intentions...

But the follow through. Not so hot. I had an okay week. Lots of sushi, lots of grazing, a lot of tossed food. (Into the trash or the disposal, which I ended up clogging as the result of cleaning out the fridge.) A few more pastries than I would have liked. I wish Apple coffee cake wasn't so damn likeable actually.

I spent a few days paralyzed by fear and what ifs. Had a nice chat with my mom about what happens if the surgery doesn't go well. I hate to worst case scenario, but I suppose it is better to be prepared. The last two times I woke up from surgery and things didn't go as planned... I was a mess, a mean horrible spazzed out mess. I can't let that happen again. It's unbecoming at best, abhorrent at it's worst.

This Narrating Illness class is going to be good for me. Pain and illness is relative, but there are familiar themes running throughout. We all have a story to share and that is comforting.

February Third

I'm not as okay with this surgery as I thought. I napped to stop snacking.
No meals today, just a graze.

Cheezits
1/2 Muffin
2 graham crackers with chocolate PB2
home made wheat bread w/ almond butter (half slice)
home made wheat bread w/ butter (crusts actually)
home made wheat bread w mustard, ham and cheese (half sammy)
bowl of berries
mini moo popsicle
the top off those Kahsi granola bars I have
a few corn chips
a piece of carrot cake M brought home from the office
the streusel topping off of the last piece of coffee cake I had made last weekend

And that's it, all before my nap. Now I still feel stuffed and think there will be no more food for me today. Not teh worst binge ever, lots of half portions and never more than one of anything... That stupid mental mind trick helps. I don't feel any better about myself or my situation though. Ugh.

Dinner
Chicken Teriyaki bowl from Trader Joes without the noodles.

Like a Pearl

So those little bone granules that were working their way up and out-- not all of them made it. Some ended up healing into the bone as the graft like they were supposed to. But then there were a few that got stuck. Irritating that area to the point that my body has started to coat them with calcium. Not surprising-- what I saw come out were jagged little pieces, no wonder my body is trying to smooth them out. What I can feel under there is a crunchy surface with little nodes (for lack of a better word) that are getting bigger. Nothing I can do about this on my own.

I pointing to the offending area under that scar in the picture. But what I notice more is the lump on the left. That's also a calcium deposit, I think they call them horns. Doesn't hurt like the other spot though.

Number 11 (probably the shortest surgery I'll ever have) will be on the 17th. Two weeks from tomorrow.

February Second

Breakfast
Berry Muffin (eaten in two parts) from Trader Joes
Venti Iced Coffee with Whole Milk

Snack
Coconut Cream Lara Bar
I was at Whole Foods, I could have done worse for myself.

Lunch
Salad-- Mesculin, beets, carrots, edamame, peppers, onions and rosemary beef

Dinner
Turkey wrap with hummus.
The best coleslaw ever

Snack at Movie
Kit Kat

Snack at home
Bowl of berries with yogurt and a graham cracker on top
I came home to an empty house and was stressed.Alas.

Low Expectations

I think he'll refer me out to a bone specialist. But he could also say/do nothing, or perhaps give it another try himself. I have no idea really, but the pain needs to go.

I'm bringing chemistry homework to pass the time.

February First

Breakfast
Oatmeal with pineapple and 1 t brown sugar
Venti iced coffee with whole milk and dolce powder

Lunch
2 Stoned Wheat Thins with .5 ounce Cheddar
Sushi snack pack-- carrot and cucumber.

Snacks
Kashi's TLC Fruit and Grain Bar
This was interesting. I wonder what the pumpkin pie taste like with the chocolate on top. I'm not sure I would buy them again, the chocolately coating is a little odd.
Berry Muffin from Trader Joes
Strawberries

Dinner
Homemade mac n cheese with broccoli and ham

Exercise
10 min cardio warm-up and 30 mins of lifting.