It's been almost a year since I've blogged...

I've thought about it many times, but I just can't come up with the words.  My knee surgery in March went well, or so I hope.  Check up in two weeks.

I think I need to start writing again more.  I'm struggling with life.

Things I Am NOT Okay With

2013 is the year I finally fix my knee. 

ACI and an osteotomy to come... 

Time to get ready. 

I'm okay with it

Body Parts

How broken do I have to be?

When I saw my Ortho back in June he said, "Come back and see me when you are ready to do something." Not an exact quote but pretty damn close. I thought okay... I had just spent the entirety of the appointment saying no to everything he could offer me except for PT.  PT was an AWESOME experience this past summer.  Shame on me for not keeping up with my home exercises, but it really did improve my overall functionality.  The release of my IT band was worth the physical pain and the emotional hassle of finding someone to watch my Brie.

Imagine my ____________ when I saw him last week and he was all, let's get an MRI.  Really?  Another MRI?  What on earth could you possibly see in there that would changed anything.  I reminded him that there is all sorts of distortion etc and he said that's fine...  We'll do it anyways.  Frankly I feel like I am being put off.  I don't know why I have this feeling but I do.  He also said a few other things that stuck with me, this gem, "Your knee does not respond well to surgery."  Yeah, no shit, that's how I got here. And also this, "We can follow up via email." Since I didn't make the appointment with the MRI peeps right away I had to call back his secretary. She surprisingly scheduled me a followup for the day of the MRI.  I am so tempted to blow it off.  It's next Tuesday...  I have some time to decide, but I think I'll go because I'm hurting.

I mean really hurting. The lighting is kind of crappy but I took a couple pictures of my knee two nights ago because I was trying to get a good picture of how small my left leg is compared to right one. What I ended up with instead was a punch to the gut.  I think it's the weight loss.  My knee is a ball of arthritis, I knew this was the case, but it is so physically obvious now.  This picture makes me want to gain weight, so that I can't see the swelling around the joint.  I know that's silly, but it is sort of how I felt about my excess skin.  This need to disguise or hide it by plumping back up the rest of me.  I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself and honestly I really would like to lose ten more pounds.  Less weight will still hopefully equal less pain. 

I know that I wanted to go five years knee surgery free...  but I just don't know that I'll make it.  There are all sorts of ways to finesse that number but fact is that on December 1st it will be six years (OMG SIX YEARS) since I had the third ACL try.  In March of next year it will have been 4 years since anyone was last in the joint capsule and that was only for a peek to make sure my wonky bone graft wasn't doing anything weird on the inside.  My knee is full of scar tissue and random flotsam and jetsam.  I have osteophytes every where and my whole knee is just a disaster.  I was informed by a really nice Twitter peep that since the whole knee is an issue that MRI won't really pinpoint my pains.  I'd believe it, even still I'd like to understand what is wrong in there.  Knowing the mechanical glitches helps me process pain.

I need to courage up and ask about the long range plan in specifics. If I was 70 they'd be, here have a new knee.  But I'm half that and honestly my knee doesn't respond well to surgery.  Not sure what I'll do, but I need to make a plan.  Too much worry is being wasted on what ifs right now.

Today was one of those days that I feared.

As I got further into my thirties people would often ask about our plans for children.  We had talked about it and I had said years ago if I was going to, I wanted a baby by 35.  But life happened and I was sinking underneath the pain of my knee and my husband's hearing was getting worse as the years passed.  I had convinced myself that we were two people who had come together to take care of one another. I make no secret of the fact that Brie is a vacation souvenir. She was the Universe's way of saying, "Hey Kids! Get out of your own way!"

I can't believe she will be one in three days.  Seems impossible.  As I sit here in a crazy amount of pain tonight I think, one year down, how many more to go?  I'm actually pretty pleased I got this far without having one of those days I feared. One of those days where it was physically hard to care for her. I actually did have a few of these earlier this winter and that's when I took action and got myself into shape.

However now that I have muscle I'm dismayed that today still sucked.  I woke up with unexplained medial pain, stiffness and swelling.  Last night's work out was no different than any other I've been through this year and yet today was one of the hardest I've had in years. I'm ashamed to say that I napped this am during her nap and she was up before I was.  Happily chilling in her crib, but I still felt bad.  We had lunch at home and then it was off to visit Daddy.  I leaned on the stroller for our walk to get his lunch. I've had more pills than I should today and I'll replace the Lidocain patch with another after my shower. Pharmaceuticals have left me numb and somewhat short tempered. Bath time was uber short tonight because I couldn't kneel next to the tub, more guilt, it is one of her favorite parts of the day. After that it was back in the car to run a couple more errands, CSA and CVS. I couldn't fathom getting up and down off the floor tonight.  Too much, even with the pain management. 

I want tomorrow to be better.  Like every day I will put one foot in front of the other... But still, I fear more days like today.  It is profoundly important to me that we be active together. If even if she's not walking yet I want to be active with her.  I don't want her to go through what I did as a kid...  I am afraid she will pay for my stubbornness, for my years of disuse and abuse. 

So I'll try again tomorrow.  If I've learned anything it's that my pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully tomorrow it will be less.  Regardless, she deserves the best of me. 

The "Fit" part of FitBloggin'

It's no secret that I'm not exactly YaY!!!! Fitness!!!! While I am now convinced that it is a non-negotiable part of being healthy it has not been an easy place to arrive at.  I haven't blogged much about my change in attitude this year because I haven't been able to find the right words.  Back in June my trainer asked me to write a testimonial, he asked again this evening.  To sum up, he's changed my life. But that's another post.

I was nervous about the workouts at FitBloggin'. Could I do it? Could my beat up knee handle it? While I've been working out twice a week since February I wasn't really sure where my fitness level was in comparison. In comparison to what I don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I came back up from DC on Friday morning with an EPIC hangover and all I wanted to do was sweat it out. I hustled to get back for the Crossfit workout only to stand around for 30 minutes and workout for 6. Really? This is Crossfit? Air squats, sit ups, burpees and pushups?  Maybe it's different in a Crossfit gym but I was totally unimpressed. I did finally try on the Reebok sneakers though and wore them tonight. Loved them! Much better than my walking sneakers for what we do in my gym.

I wasn't planning on doing the Cathe Friedrich workout Friday morning but after the disappointing Crossfit experience I needed to sweat and hustle. She provided exactly that. I have no coordination nor do I have any speed but I still had a ton of fun. Some things were super easy, like the bands and some stuff was super hard, like the squats with the discs. I had been doing squats in PT this summer with a laminated piece of paper so I was happy to discover that there is actually a piece of equipment I can get for this purpose. Workout DVDs have never been my thing, but being a new mom, I can see myself giving them a shot.

After those two workouts my knee was feeling it.  I iced for the rest of the morning, 20 mins on 20 mins off 3 times.  I took a picture and was SHOCKED to see my quad.

Saturday was more workouts but this time sans hangover. My one big fitness regret of this conference is that I did not get up for Erin's bootcamp. I psyched myself out of it after watching her online videos... She was in front of me during the Cathe Friedrich workout and I was in awe of her strength and power. When I put the two together I was all No Way! Turns out Erin is one of the nicest sweetest people ever. I took one picture of myself with someone else at FitBloggin and it was with her. I really wish this had been taken after that bootcamp. Now I know. Self doubt is still a problem for me. 

My favorite workout was by far and away the Fit Trampoline session put on by Jump Sport Saturday morning. It was led by one of the most charismatic fitness instructors I've ever seen. Not that I've seen many, but wow, Jeff was awesome. I was hesitant to try it because of my knee issues but once it was explained to me that this is about pushing down rather than jumping up I was sold. Not that jumping up and down on a trampoline wasn't fun and totally freeing (omg I got air) but the glutes, hamstrings and quads really got a workout. I tweeted this picture of me in hopes of winning of a trampoline and even though I didn't, I love this picture. That smile on my face is pure happy endorphins. 

Next up was Zumba and I really wanted to love it. I hated it. It was rough on the knee and I'm not sure if that's because I had done a bunch of stuff already but... wow.  I already knew I was not coordinated from the Cathe Friedrich experience but Zumba took it too a whole new level. Hips and rhythm and I don't have it. About fifteen minutes in I took a wrong step trying to keep an eye on Sue.  Tweaked I was done. I went upstairs to shower and snapped some more pictures.  I loved the full length mirrors in the rooms at the Hyatt (and also in the bathroom).  Not often I get to see myself full length and can check out my awkward angles and sagging skin, but this is me. And my messy hotel room. 

The last fitness opportunity was the 5k on Sunday morning.  Normally distance is not a problem for me.  I walk all the time.  Several miles several times a week usually pushing a stroller.  Sunday morning I woke and unfortunately was clicking with every step.  I think it had to do with the shoes I had on in this picture below.  What you can't see because of the pose is the Lidocain patch.  I love those things but as I explained to a Baltimore Raven hitting on me in the elevator they give me confidence I shouldn't necessarily have... He complimented me on my shoes. It's been years since I've worn a pair of heels with confidence. 

I hemmed and hawed over which distance to do but in the end was glad I went with the mile. Our small group included two of my most favorite people from the weekend. Shauna and Sue. Meeting these two is a whole other post but what a way to finish up my weekend. :) 

It was a surprise to me how much I loved the fitness part of FitBloggin'. It gave me a chance to try out exercises I never would have otherwise and I was thrilled to discover that I am actually in pretty decent shape. I've been building up slowly since February and it was neat to be able to just do. I sweat for sure and even sucked some wind (Affirmative!) but overall I kept up just fine. What a fantastic opportunity I had to show myself that I am capable.  I may have the knee of an 80 year old but I can still use my body.

I went to FitBloggin'

And here is what I learned:

I am relevant.

Roni tossed it out there on Twitter back in late August.

My response annoys me now.

I have so much more to say but I'm exhausted and tomorrow is a big day in my world. I talked a lot about my knee this weekend and tomorrow I start plotting next surgical steps. I hope to have a couple of different posts up about the Fit part of FitBloggin and also one about all the wonderful people I got to meet. What a fantastic treat to interact with all these people I've known online for years in person. 

 

Summer

What a great summer.  I am in the best shape I have ever been.  I took about a month off from the weight loss efforts...  Travel and then more travel.  I saw 147 for a moment and then bounced.  Back to 148 this am so headed in the right direction again.  At 5'7.5" this is a good weight for me but my knee thinks I still might like to be a bit lighter.
I've overcome that pop with some intensive physical therapy and more sessions with trainer. I'm on the fence about what is next for my knee.  So much of this is about personal motivation but I can't help but think I might benefit from a cleaning out.  That would make surgery number 12 on the left knee. I have to say that I am DAMN PROUD of myself that I didn't put on any weight as a result of that injury. I just kept working through it.  If you haven't gotten the food figured out then you can not rely on exercise to keep weight off.  Bouncing 10-15-20 pounds as the result of an injury over the course of a couple months.  Yeah, that's not me.  Shouldn't be you either.  But alas, I've seen a lot of it this year on the internets.

IT'S THE FOOD PEOPLE!

Acute vs Chronic

Over a week ago my knee popped.  Haven't been able to go upstairs since.  Always something.  Finally made the appointment to see my Ortho on the 19th.  It's been 2 1/2 years since last look.
In other news I'm down to 154.  ONE FIFTY FOUR. I have arrived squarely on the other side of my wardrobe. Everything is too big.  It's an okay problem to have, this is uncharted territory for me!!!

More Health Care Worries

I am trying to define all of my OA.  I'd like a baseline of where I am now so that in 10, 20 years I can note the progression.  I have no idea what all my healthcare $$$ pay for, but I feel like getting good appropriate care is freaking hard to do.  My PCP referred me back to my old Ortho, Dr. B. for my back.  Umm, no.  I wrote her back a terse email, saying basically I'd rather continue to hurt. She then placed referral for another Ortho and when I called to make appointment the woman on phone was all, "He doesn't do backs." Ugh, yes, I know.  But he is apparently an expert in arthritis. Hoping he'll listen to what I have to say and if he can't help, maybe knows someone who can.  Really I don't want to be "treated" I just want to define this.  How much, where, how far along?  Having answers to these questions will help me process the pain.

I think I'm grumpy because I fell last Saturday.  Jarring as always. Thank goodness I wasn't carrying my baby. And thank goodness for her.  Some how I was blessed with one of the happiest smiliest babies ever.

Healthcare

I spend a lot of time worrying about healthcare in this country.  I can't help it.  Maybe I follow to many doctors on Twitter or have had too many conversation with my mother about the future of healthcare while she pursues her PhD in Healthcare Administration.  It's scary.  We have not yet seen the bottom, not even close. I will freely admit that my current weight loss, past the baby weight and hopefully through the gain from ACL fail #3 is motivated by fear.  Fear that someday healthcare will be a moral judgement. Can I maintain motivated by fear?  Unlikely, but hopefully I can get to a weight where I don't ache constantly. Being in less pain is always motivating.

Eating well has calmed my body down and the working out has vastly improved my strength and stability, but the ache persists.  A friend told me yesterday I am too young to be in so much pain.  I don't think that if you look at me you see it.  Maybe if I were still heavy one would.  But as is.  Nope.  I think that's why I am struggling to get some help from my PCP.  I like this woman, but what am I paying for?  I just want answers, I don't want to be fixed.  I'm smart enough to know that I can't be "fixed." I hate being a heavy user of healthcare but I want to know how far along some of this OA is, how much worse can it get?  I'd prefer to never see another doctor again (unless it's a plastic surgeon) but I can't get away with that.  This body that I abused for so long needs maintenance to keep it running.

Pep talk over, time to make some calls.

I bumped my head

Last Friday morning I was changing Brie and leaned over to pick a bottle she had knocked off the edge.  With the full force of bending down I smacked my head on the wall.  Black. Then searing pain, lots of tears & and more pain and things I can't really remember saying.  I'm very much, don't touch me!!! when I'm hurt...  I managed to make it to the bedroom and had to lay down.  I had the baby on the bed with me and thought I was okay.  I tried to get up after my husband left for work and couldn't see straight. I ended up calling 911.

My baby was a champ.  I felt so bad for scaring her.  She cried when I cried and the fear in her little face will stick with me for quite some time.  The cop arrived first, then the EMTs.  They strapped me to a back board, got her in her baby bucket and off we went to the local hospital. I asked the EMT what she was doing, smiling he said.  She was amazing the whole time.  I think once she knew her mama was being taken care of she settled down and enjoyed the newness.  My Mom showed up at the hospital about an hour later and she was taking her morning nap. Aw. Nurses kept coming by to take a peek, they don't often see happy smiley babies.

I'm still not feeling like myself. My head still aches. I can't imagine using a hair brush but I did gingerly wash it last night.  My sleep is ALL MESSED UP.  I'm crazy tired and not staying asleep real well.  Saturday night I slept for 9 hours straight, but I won't tell you what I took to accomplish that. I woke up in a panic on Sunday morning at 5am convinced that I hadn't pressed any suits or washed any white shirts for my husband to wear to the office.  I'm hoping to start feeling like myself again.  I feel anxious and agitated and icky.  I hate feeling icky.

Eating through the weekend was minimal but it was a lot of things not on the weight loss plan.  I'm fine with that.  My poor brain needed sugar, I ate all the fruits yesterday. Back on the wagon today, sitting at 164.  That's fine.  It's up a tiny bit, but my body is all out of whack, it'll settle back down.

I need to be more careful.  And I need to be nicer to myself.

Moving on

I hit my pre pregnancy weight a week or so ago.  Yay!  As I have said, I can't cart around a fat baby and baby fat at the same time.  I am happy to put that behind me and keep going.
I'm at 165 right now, 10 more pounds to happy weight and 15 to low end of goal.  I think this is probably easily attainable.
It's easy to get caught up in on plan and off plan and bad and good... I'm trying to keep perspective.  Can't deny that I feel better though.  I'm giving much thought to how I eat when I get to maintenance again. I think it will have to be different.

Paying attention

Vitalicious has a pretty big social media presence.  Too bad the people in charge of their Twitter feed aren't paying attention.  This retweet today basically says to me we really just want your money.  

I know it's a big leap... but I think that companies should be responsible for what they put out there and what they retweet.  This chick is very clearly proana.  Is this something that they want to be associated with?  Probably not, but for a flash they are.  And in that one instance, they lost a customer.

Edited to add:

And now they've won me back.  Got these responses this morning. When I back off this low carb thing they will once again be in my freezer. 

We all have off days

I am surprised I have lasted as long as I have on this "diet".  Yesterday was my first day that was not entirely what it should have been.  The things they don't tell you after you have a baby...  Your cycle won't be regular for quite some time. My hormones still feel so totally out of whack.  I've been back on my birth control for 3 months and every time has had breakthrough bleeding.  I'm sort of over two week periods. Before Brie it was a short 4 dyas, I was so regular. I think that's how I knew I was pregnant so early. But now... Ugh, over this.  The bloat, the cramps, the irritability.

I self medicated with ice cream last night.  320 calorie for 1/2 cup ice cream!  I had about half a cup before I went to bed and woke up with a screaming headache and achey joints.  Geeze, coincidence?  I think not.

So back up on the wagon today.  I'm half way through this journey and ready to see a body I've never seen before. I'm really pleased with my progress and not ready to quit. It was just one evening and one serving of ice cream.  I'm sure there will be more, but right now, I've got work to do.

Motivating numbers

When the trainer weighed me on his scale back at the beginning of March I was 191 and this morning I was 171. That's a 20 pound loss in about nine weeks!  More than what my own scale is telling me actually, which is 185ish to 167ish.  I say ish because my scale, well it has ish. I saw 167.8 and 168.4 this morning!  This thrills me, I was 166 on my scale when I got pregnant.  I'm basically back.  I know, blah blah blah, don't get caught up by the numbers, but you know what?  F*ck that. I'm motivated, and I want to see 150.

My body fat percentage has gone from 33% to 27%.  Average is 25%-33%...  If I could get to 24%, that's umm, the fitness category.  We'll see.  I've never been YaY!!!! FITNESS.  But that's changing.  Slowly.

I need to figure out how to keep up with the good thing I have going on, but right now, I get another 20 sessions with the trainer.  This is costing an arm and a leg, but I haven't done anything for my health lately that has made as big of a difference as this has.  Worth every penny, because she's priceless.

 

Last resort

Things not to read before just before your workout:

I whined the whole way through on Wednesday.  I'm better than that.

If you've read the article, all I could think was, What if that failed?

And my knee fucking hurts.

Saturday will be better.  Measuring body fat % again and that should be motivating.  Half way through, 15 pounds down and about 3 from pre pregnancy weight.  I'm super happy with my progress.



 

Better, for the moment.

The knee is never the same for very long.  Two weeks ago this Wednesday was a crazy workout.  I felt great, but my knee hated me. It's better now, but there is a new pain on the back side.  It's always something.  It will fade into the cacophony of other hurts and I'll move on to something else.  I wish I felt like the pace of falling apart was slowing down.  There have been definite times where the march towards disintegration has been faster than others.  Not doing anything, slowed it, but it was painful.  Doing stuff to keep it working, also painful.  And sort of speedy.

One of these days it will slow down.

I am aware

That I am complaining about how much I hurt lately.  Such a tradeoff.  Really, I just need to stfu about it because I am doing the best I can.