Thursday, November 18, 2010

That was me?

I have this cough that rattles my chest.  It physically hurts to breathe and I'm exhausted.  At 165 this is a hard cold to have.  I can't imagine all that extra weight sitting on my chest.

But just an hour ago I was reminded of how hard it must have been to cough when I was heavy.  I was walking behind a girl on campus whose size I recognized.  I couldn't help but watch as she coughed and the serious physical effort required.  That was me.  I tried to remember that physical discomfort and I couldn't imagine feeling worse than I already do.  Huh.

I still have a few, "Oh I don't miss that from when I was heavy..." type moments but for the most part I do try to NOT contrast and compare life at this weight and that weight.  It was novel at first but I prefer to think of myself as just this way.  Sure those experiences make me who I am, but I want to be just this girl who lives with food.  Clearly, I'm still dwelling on maintenance success thoughts.  I think its okay that I can't recall that life much any more.   I find motivation in living.  Dwelling on what that was like and being motivated by it no longer apply to me.  I have my own new and different issues to deal with now.  Some a result of being 345 pounds but some not. 

That's a relief actually.

Time heals all wounds right?  


Starfire said...

I haven't lost nearly as much as you did (a little under 25lb, with something like that still to go). But still, it's enough to make a difference, and I definitely get the odd moments of thinking "Wow. I couldn't have done that back before I started this journey" :-)

Anonymous said...

Your post inspired me to go through photos from my heaviest times. I thought I would cringe. But nope. I was loved then, and that's what I felt. Yet I also remember being afraid for my health, afraid for my family, especially, in terms of how they would have more hardship if my health deteriorated (in relation to obesity and inactivity).

The times I felt self conscious about being fat(ter) involved nursing school activities. I felt harshly judged by many peers. Although I had chums, I experienced considerable discrimination from fellow nurses and a few faculty; it sort of made me cross and grumpy more often than not.

I agree with you about not dwelling on the past or using it as a kind of motivation. Today's joys and challenges are quite enough for me. :)

I hope you feel better soon!


@irun2befit said...

The other great part about having lost all that weight is you probably don't get sick nearly as much as you did when you were heavier..? That's how it worked with my weight loss anyway.
And those "I don't miss that from when I was heavy" moments are great. Soak em up, enjoy them, you deserve it, you accomplished something that's tough to do.