Friday, November 26, 2010


I think that radical shift in thinking needs to come sooner rather than later.

It's been a rough couple of weeks... couple of months.  So much of my sense of self these days is wrapped up in how much I hurt.   Trying to separate myself from the pain is difficult.  Pain pills aren't exactly my friend.  I'm a big fan of the Ibuprofen and consequently Prilosec.  I have some Tylenol 3 that can take the edge off before bed but I almost always wake up at some point in pain and so my am dose of Ibuprofen lately has come with Psuedoephedrine.  Like I said pills and me are not always friends.  The temptation to use them not for their intended purpose is what keeps me saying no to most.  Been there-- I remember that ah-ha moment in the summer of 2007 distinctly.

I have Lidocaine patches too but if you've ever tried to use one on your knee you know how well they don't stay on.  Normal activities cause them to become unstuck... and at night unless wrapped up or taped on they roll right off.  I've peeled countless off my sheets in the morning.

Let's see? What else...  ice is my best friend?

I know that what is really lacking from my life is strength and a sense of physical well being.  But how to get that when the idea of sawing off your own leg sounds more appealing than going to the gym?  I know that this one problem shouldn't keep me from working on the rest of me. I had a great chat with a former classmate last week who is now a PT. She had some good suggestions.  I need to focus on overall picture I think.  Knee is what it is.

But I can't seem to get out of my own way.   I'm working on that aspect too... more therapy, not sure if she's helping me make peace with my past, but it does help to talk to somebody.  (Venting this past week was what helped me realize I needed to make amends with secretary not just complain about it.) I need to let go of this guilt that I feel.  As my husband reminded me this evening, no one is blaming me but myself. Right.

I also have an appointment with the pharmacologist at the suggestion of my therapist. Cymbalta maybe for a bit?  FDA approved it in early November for osteoarthritis pain as well.  I don't expect miracles but it seems like it could help.  I've read all sorts of studies about osteoarthritis pain and depression.  It's just such a nasty pain... makes me sick to my stomach.  That could also be the Ibuprofen though too. /blogress  See how easy it is to get distracted by the ouch?

I'm no stranger to sadness.  There was a time in my life when I took Zoloft and it did help.  It's no coincidence that when I was no longer weighed down by sadness I was able to change my life.  I don't expect the path I followed to lose the weight to be the same road I travel to make peace with pain.  They are similar yet different.

Regardless, I need to get moving.


Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

I really like your writing, Sarah.
I hope you're able to figure out the pain issue. I always admire how you gracefully deal...
And I also want to thank you for all the support you've given me over the months. Thank you.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

You're a strong woman to be living with all of this pain for so long...I think you sound like you've handled it all so well. I know I'd be a mess.

Chronic pain eats away at your spirit. It would be next to impossible not to feel depressed after everything you've gone through...and still the pain persists. I would imagine you DO want to saw your own leg off just to make it stop.

I hope the Cymbalta helps. You are very strong, but I hope they can do something to give you some relief. It is exhausting for you to have to deal with this all the time.

Take care