Saturday, June 12, 2010

I caved

And took the very last small white pill leftover from last summer.  I only recently discovered there was still one that tiny little round celluloid box.

And it didn't really help.  I don't get anxious about much but I do get anxious about healing.  I'm mad at myself for taking it because I've gotten this far without.  I was sad and lonely and a little stressed about the doctors appointment yesterday.  Medicine can be so marvelous but I feel forever scared by all of my past history.  Not just the being significantly over weight, but every complication, every reaction they all just weigh on me when I am trying to get better.

My left leg is healing... but when the plastic surgeon looked at it he thought it would be better to leave those stitches in a little longer.  It's hard to explain what I see but the skin is not staying together.  I think the tissue underneath has mostly healed it just needs to heal come back together at top.  This is a process and I would really like to see some progress.  But none yet.  Also at the T junction there is a bit of pull.  Same on the right I noticed when I got out of the shower earlier.

I get worried about open holes and germs.  Which is why I caved last night.  It's stupid that taking an anti-anxiety pill makes me feel weak.  But I do.  I'm in control of a lot of my life, but it is maddening that I can't just think myself better.  That I can't just think my immune system to be strong and do its job, or that I can't think my little cells to rebuild faster.

I'm doing everything I can.  I know that.  Doesn't make me any less petrified or consumed with worry at the end of a very long day.

8 comments:

Fab Kate said...

Sometimes I think that it's the fear and anxiety that's the worst of it all, and if somehow we could just stay calm and wait out all the medical stuff it'd all be fine.

I think I understand what you're saying about the skin not staying together. I had some spots like that with my C-Section and with my gall bladder back in the day, and eventually they healed ok, but in those first few weeks, I feared I'd live my life with gaping holes in my body.

Can you simply put an antibiotic ointment on your open spots and a loose dressing? What does the doctor recommend?

Sarah said...

I'm still 24-7 in the compression garment and this spot is basically at the top of the T shaped incision and so kind in the crease of my groin. I am stuffing 4x4 gauze in there to soak up the drainage. Nothing extreme leaking out of me thank goodness. It's hard to keep clean down there, but I am showering several times a day and drying off real good.

I just need more patience.

Lori said...

{{hugs}}

Cheryl said...

Taking one pill is not caving. If you are anxious, you will not heal as fast. All of your energy needs to go into positive thinking. My stitches did not heal after a c-section and I know how scary that can be.
Love, Aunt Cheryl
(Yes, I've been following your blog since January. You've inspired me to care about myself again and return to the gym twice a week as a start.)

Sarah said...

Hi Cheryl! I remember Mom mentioned that to me last summer. I had no idea... scary stuff especially after you have just had a baby! I am trying to stay positive. Normally pretty good at it, just hate being a burden on my loved ones.

I'm so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself again. I think of Stephen often. Clean living in no guarantee but we need to at least give ourselves the best shot at a long happy life.

Anonymous said...

Stress hormones are known to depress your immune system. If I were you, I might call your GP and ask for 30 days worth of 0.5 mg lorazepam, to take as needed. Please don't feel like a failure. You might think about doing other things, too: visualization, meditation, listening to music in a quiet spot, etc. But lowering your anxiety is key (that plus a good multi-vitamin) for healing. Rooting for you!!

Larkspur said...

Speaking as a visiting nurse who does wound care, if your wound is slow to heal there are advanced therapies your surgeon can turn to, wound healing centers, etc. I feel confident that you won't need that, but if it helps to know that it's there, then be comforted!

I think major surgery is a time when a "nerve pill" for a limited time can be a good thing if needed. But I always suggest to my patients to try meditation or prayer, because anxiolytics only go so far, unfortunately.

Best of luck to you. Eat protein, get your sleep. You just do what you can do and the rest is out of your hands.

Sarah said...

I had a visiting nurse last summer after the abdomniplasty and panniculectomy.. She was an interesting lady, Russian. No eye for detail but reassuring in her own crazy way. But by the end of the summer I was over her and packing my own wound. Took a while to get past the squeemishness of that, but I learned to cope.

I don't think it will come to that this summer, but I can not tell how deep that opening is underneath the stitches. We shall see.

There is a lot of history at work here... I'm trying to stay sane, but I know how my body does and does not work. That's a blessing and a curse all at the same time!

Thanks for the well wishes!