My New Favorite iPhone App

Lose It

I tried the mobile MFD and it was hard to use, unwieldy and too many steps. This is perfect. I can instantly add a new food and only have to enter the calories if I want. It was free when I added it but they will be charging soon, if they aren't already.

I've been back on the straight and narrow since Monday. I was on the verge of stuffing myself until the New Year, but no need for that, I don't need to add more pounds to the ten I have put on. Scale said 164.4 this morning.

The new year

2007 kicked my ass. All that loss... Gram, Uncle Steve, my acl, my car accident, my job and the miscarriage. I thought 2008 would be a great year. And it was, I got a lot accomplished, finished college (that 1 credit was killing me) and embarked on a new path. School is going well but I still struggled this year. And I can sum it up in a word.

Pain.

I'm now 2 years into not having an ACL again and have about 8 more to go before we strip me of my knee joint and replace it with mechanical parts. I can't wait. The simple act of sitting on the sofa produces pain when I get up. Recently my knee has started doing that creepy thing where it squishes and then hurts so bad I can't move. But if I give it a few moments, I'm okay and can move, allbeit slowly, but I can move again. Happened when I was finishing my Christmas shopping... My knee can't even sustain shopping. :c(

When I came off the Zoloft I was all worried about being sad. I don't think that is my problem anymore... I'm not a huge fan of the Prozac and have honestly not been taking it. It is supposed to help with anxiety but I felt like it gave me an edge. As soon as some family pointed it out I was like, yeah, not for me.

So what it for me? Well, I did what my doctor asked, I went to see the joint replacement guy and he told me what he thought. We tried the shots... and I was unimpressed with those. What I need is to be properly medicated. My anxiety stems from my knee and the pain. Why don't we just treat the pain? I have an easier time thinking through the haze of a pain killer than I do through the flatline of life the is the psych drugs. I fail to understand why the medical community is so quick to provide the head drugs but not the pain drugs. I think if I was going to develop a problem with painkillers I'd be there by now.

So that brings me to 2009. I put on 8 pounds this year (165 this morning) and most of that since August. :-( I know, I know, in the great scheme of things, nbd. But is is a HUGE FREAKING DEAL to me. My normal has changed and I feel just awful at this size. I notice the gain in my knees and the way that I stand. I would be immobile by now if I was still 345. But I'm not and I know what I need to do to get back into living life. The pain sucked a lot of life from me this year and I don't want the next 8 to be the same. I would hate to waste my 30's to pain the way my 20's were lost to being too fat to live life.

I see a physical therapist on the 31st. I'm so far out of shape at this point I think I might hurt myself if I don't get some strength back. Wether I can get myself to a point where I can comfortably work out remains to be seen. But this is my hope for 2009. I want to be active again.

So, ah, I'm ill again.

I swear the twin sis got the immune system.

Keeping the _____________ at Bay.

Monster? maybe? is that the right word. Great post by PQ earlier this week. Sometimes maintenance feels like nothing more than a never ending battle with the "need" to eat. Winning that battle more often that not is what keeps the weight off. I saw 158 for a day and am now at 162 again. I'm not winning that battle right now. I had a brownie for lunch yesterday and Indian and chocolate. Today, I am locked up in the library where they don't allow food. Last thing I need is to show up to an exam in a carb coma. I'll going looking for some protein (and a diet coke) just before the exam.

And then after-- Drinks. Tomorrow is a new day.

Exam Stress

Third hourly exam in chemistry tonight. Ack! I feel like I know this stuff better than some of the other stuff. Still has me mindlessly munching though.

Live and Learn

Dear Dad,
It must have been the Facebook tag with my last name on it... Such is life. If you read all my posts, you know how I feel about surgery. However, I do hope you saw the one where I said I wish it was different. I'll never forgive her for pushing you towards that, we only get one body, one go around. I still love you and hope you are doing ok.
S

December Eleventh

Breakfast
Fiber One Bar
Large Iced Vanilla Coffee from DD
French Cruller (that didn't get eaten until 3pm)

Snack
Pretzel Thins

Lunch
1/2 WW Pita with Chicken Breast, Mayo, Mustard and Lettuce
Fruit Cup
M brings these home form the office for me, mostly cantaloupe and honeydew, the occasional strawberry and pineapple too.
10 Hershey Kisses w/Almonds

Dinner
Chicken and Veggie Soup
Apple
Pineapple chunks

Snack during Lecture
Venti Iced Coffee w/milk
Fiber One Bar
A small handful of M's peanuts
1 Swedish Fish

Not the greatest day nutritionally, but it's that TOM and I was a little stressed this morning. Took the twin sis to a appt.--normally she is the one who comes with me.... Worrying is hard work. Mmmm, chocolate, more almonds than chocolate, or so I tell myself, but still what I needed on this dreary rainy somewhat stressful day.

This does not surprise me

The LA Times often has great coverage of weight issues-- maybe because this is the land of the thin and the beautiful. One of their blogs, Booster Shots is something I read every day. Yesterday they talked about an article that will be coming out in the International Journal of Obesity comparing the outcomes of weightloss from diet and exercise vs surgery. What researchers found was that that the amount of weight loss was similar but that the surgery peeps had more fat in their diet, ate more fast food, worked out less and had higher levels of depression.

Oprah Does Not Get It

:c( back in 1999 when I hit my highest I came across Oprah's book with Bob Green. It came with a diary and I used that to log my food when I first started losing. I still have it.

O has been in the news again for reaching 200 pounds. Self admited. I wish that with everything she has that she could get a hold on food. I wish that I cold bottle up what it is that I have found and give it to her and say here! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

December Ninth

Breakfast
Tall Latte
Banana and Oatbran Kind Bar
Kashi Crunch Bar

Lunch
Edamame
1/2 Bagel with Salmon and Cream Cheese
Cinnamon Sugar Pita Chips

Dinner
Veggie Sushi
Pretzel Thins

Snack
Grapefruit

December 8th

What I ate today:

Breakfast
1.5 oz. of Maple and Brown Sugar Life
1/2 c. 1% milk

Snack
Venti Iced Coffee
Kashi Truly Vanilla Oatmeal

Lunch
Ham and Cheddar Sandwich on Multigrain with Honey Mustard, Lettuce and Tomato
Jasmine Tea with Honey
1 c. Chicken and Rice Soup (really just carrots and broth)

Dinner
Veggie Sushi with Brown Rice
16 oz. Banana Mango Smoothie

Late Night Snack
1 c. Frozen Veggies

How to lose 7 pounds in 2 days

Feel better. I was carting around so much fluid. The number on the scale was hard on my psyche. And even though I knew it wasn't real weight it was still hard to see a number closer to 170 than 160.

My tummy still needs TLC so small bites are still the order of biz. It's really made me conscious of how I was wolfing down my food again.

Living with Food

I think my freezer is a good example of that. Things you can see in here.

Sarah Lee Chocolate Cream Pie
M bought it for me thinking it would make me feel better while ill. It's tasty but everything is still in small bites. I have had an 1/8th of it so far.
Culinary Circle Chocolate Molten Cake
These have 730 calories a piece, two per box. M and I split one the other night and didn't finish it. Again, something he bought to make me feel better. I can't tell him no, I just need to live with it.
Mrs. Smith Pimpkin Pie
I'm not sure this will ever get eaten, it was on sale. Again an M purchase.
Puff Pastry
Philo Dough
I use both of these for my pot pie. Depending on how I am feeling, they bring a different a taste to the crust. I also use them to wrap up fish with spinach and pesto and bake. Yum.
Chopped Frozen Cilantro
I use this all the time when M makes nachos or tacos. I make a veggie topping with peppers and black beans, garlic, lemon juice and a cube of this. Adds flavor.
Edamame
Both shelled and unshelled. The unshelled I steam, lightly salt and eat as a snack. The shelled I add to salads or to some steamed dumplings that you can also see in there and then quickly stir fry with other veggies to make a quick hot meal.
Frozen Veggies
Most have the same nutrition as fresh and they come is handy little steam bags, all sorts of flavors etc. Useful for adding to the frozen fresh pasta I also have in there.
Chicken Pieces
This is also for my pot pie or for fajitas. I'll roast it and then shred it myself. Little extra work but worth the flavor.
Cat Nip
If this stuff is not kept in the freezer I have a kitty who will seek and destroy.
And Ice
I can never have enough ice.

So that's my freezer-- a mix of me and M. There are things in there I could inhale but don't. Learning to live with this stuff has been a key to my success. I know many people say to remove all temptation and sometimes I feel like M is sabotaging me, but this is life. And I need to live it, even with chocolate cream pie in the freezer.

The Great Closet Purge

Tomorrow my twin sister is coming over to help me go through my closet. We have done this before, but it's time again. Now it's winter and I still have things I will no longer wear or have moth holes. It is hard to give up the cashmere so maybe I'll make some kitty pillows out of them.

Twin sis is about my weight now but the inch I have on her makes clothes fit differently. It's been a blast sharing with her. I barely got out of my own way this week, but did manage to swing by her house with a jacket for her to wear to a party Wednesday evening. Her Facebook status the next day. "... is glad I don't have to explain to my sister how I misplaced her favorite vintage blazer." Yeah, that's one of those things I have that is a wear once and return. It's a gorgeous cotton velvet in a deep cranberry from Filene's.

So hopefully she'll help me get rid of stuff to make my closet more manageable. There are things I have in our size now that she had purchased in a larger size that I can pass her way. There are also some thing I purchased not for me, but in the hopes that someday she would be able to wear them. We are there. One of those items was a vintage green leather trench. Something about it never was right for me but looks fabulous on her.

Silly that this makes me happy as a grown adult but we haven't shared clothes since high school. Life is good.

Spillage

When I was heavier I often drove home from Colorado to Massachusetts. The idea of cramming myself onto a plane was something I couldn't stomach. Pun intended. I have been following the ruling in Canada that will give obese passengers an extra seat for free. I applaud them for this. But the backlash and the fear it could happened here is already apparent (via my google alerts) and I think that is a shame. I understand that airline travel sucks as it is, but to further harass fat people about seats on planes. Please... we aren't talking about this on busses or trains are we? Yeah, didn't think so.

It's me!

Feeling better?

Sort of. Still have a temp, but not as high, I'll take 100 over 103 any day. Oddly, my scale is way up. I feel like I am holding on to fluid yet nothing is coming out. :c( Been eating really really tiny bites of not much of anything in hopes that I can keep food down. I just threw up some toast. So.... maybe tomorrow will be better.

In other news.

I am still ill. I am hoping and praying they culture out E coli. Never though I would say that but the alternatives are ridiculously scary to me.

Ricki Lake Gets It

There is an article with Ricki Lake in the latest People. Again, another woman who I think has it figured out. She says she can't believe she used to be a fat person. I'm right there with you sweetie. All it takes is hard work and respect for yourself. Yeah, it's that simple to say and yes I know, the practice is not that easy. But it does work. I think there comes a point where you figure out that eating well and treating yourself right is the way it is supposed to be. That ah-ha moment is key. Some people never get there. :c( Those who don't either gain it all back or resort to drastic measures.

The Huffington Post

So I am not a huge fan of Arianna. She filled in for Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and man was she a snooz. But she runs a good website (if you can get past the fact that Mike Doughty is a contributor) and there are some good reads over there. My favorite is this woman, Irene Rubaum-Keller. She, like me has been there. Her posts are filled with sensible info and the fact that she has kept off 50 pounds for 18 years tells me that she gets it.

Suffering

From a massive kidney infection. I've had a bunch of blog posts saved up but never get around to them. Maybe tonight.