Entitled

That's a loaded word.  But when it comes to my knee it's how I feel.  I'm uncomfortable saying it however because I still struggle with my own culpability with regards to how I got to this point.  I know what happened to me is NOT my fault.  No teenager really understands the implications of surgery and the long term consequences.  I came across this article last week and sobbed for an hour after reading it.  It's about the adolescent knee and the risk for osteoarthritis.  I've said it before but just so I am clear.  I don't think that docs should be operating on 240 pound teenagers who have no hope of rehabbing properly.  Just because you can doesn't meant that you should.  I truly believe that I would be better off today without any of those ACL surgeries.

But I did do them.  And the doctors did too.  I often wonder if the last doc who told me I would lose my mobility by 40 considered any of my past history.  What was his motivation for recommending surgery & using scare tactics?  I think he was more interested in my cartilage than repairing my ACL.  I wonder what it was that he saw in there that made him do a 180 after the procedure about the state of my cartilage.  Clearly it had been roughed up, but having done all sorts of reading now... I don't think my problems were good for the technique he was working on at the time.  I wasn't a patient needing help in his eyes I was a potential research subject.  And when I wasn't useful... well, it took more time than it probably should have to catch that Staph infection imho.  Talk about being a pain in the ass patient.

Which brings me to what is still aggravating me.  Really, I feel I've suffered enough because of that one arrogant doc.  I'm not keen on suffering because of inconsiderate office staff.  I have no use for rudeness, for having to do everything twice and least of all I can't stand being second guessed and scolded.  I'm the consumer here but as a patient this is MY LIFE that your actions are affecting.  I pay attention to my own care because I have to.  I have learned the hard way that even those who should be paying attention often are not.  They may also not have your best interest at heart.

At this point I am just about making my life a little easier and I think I deserve that.

And to say again... I really like my current doctor.  He won me over the moment he said there is nothing I can do for you right now.  He got all the information he needed first to make that call... and I respect that immensely. He's as close to perfect as you can get for a doctor but unfortunately he comes with a b*tch of a secretary.

That was me?

I have this cough that rattles my chest.  It physically hurts to breathe and I'm exhausted.  At 165 this is a hard cold to have.  I can't imagine all that extra weight sitting on my chest.

But just an hour ago I was reminded of how hard it must have been to cough when I was heavy.  I was walking behind a girl on campus whose size I recognized.  I couldn't help but watch as she coughed and the serious physical effort required.  That was me.  I tried to remember that physical discomfort and I couldn't imagine feeling worse than I already do.  Huh.

I still have a few, "Oh I don't miss that from when I was heavy..." type moments but for the most part I do try to NOT contrast and compare life at this weight and that weight.  It was novel at first but I prefer to think of myself as just this way.  Sure those experiences make me who I am, but I want to be just this girl who lives with food.  Clearly, I'm still dwelling on maintenance success thoughts.  I think its okay that I can't recall that life much any more.   I find motivation in living.  Dwelling on what that was like and being motivated by it no longer apply to me.  I have my own new and different issues to deal with now.  Some a result of being 345 pounds but some not. 

That's a relief actually.

Time heals all wounds right?  

You're no Meredith

Had Synvisc shot last week but not without more bullshit and drama.

All admins and support staff get compared to Meredith.  It's a fact that I have these experiences with which to contrast and compare.  It's also a fact that all of these experiences have lowered my tolerance for bullshit.  I have no problem asking direct uncomfortable questions when you are rude or not doing your job.

Anyway, Meredith... She was support to Dr. Donaldson at Tufts NEMC and awesome at her job.  A rare combination of both competent and courteous.  Not exactly warm but that was okay.  She always made the Doc look good, I never had to chase for anything and she didn't second guess me.  She set the bar high.

The experience I've had with the support staff in current Doctor's office? Sucks.   Do I get to blog the bad with the good?  It's my experience, my POV but I wonder if it's appropriate.  What happened last week was enough for me to ponder quitting this Doc. Maybe I'm just coming from place of pain or hyper sensitivity based on my US Healthcare System class...  Maybe.

Fact: Appointment was cancelled and doctor's office failed to notify me about it.

Sigh.  While situation was obviously remedied the emotional energy I wasted was too much.  It shouldn't be this difficult to get good care!

Checking in for Six Years of Maintenance

I'm under a pile of work so I'll stick to the highlights of the past year:

I am no longer afraid of gaining back the weight.  That has been the biggest difference between five and six.  The fear is just gone.  This year threw some challenges at me but here I am, admittedly at the high end of my range, but comfortable.  165 and all my clothes still fit and I'm able to live with food.  Maybe I'll get motivated and take off a few pounds of pain that I seem to gain with every Synvisc cycle.

The Dr. Oz experience where I got to meet some of my favorite ladies.  Hi Lori and Jenelle!  It also kind of sucked as you'll see if you click the link, but that's okay.  I'd do it again.

I had a thigh lift but NO knee surgery and found a new orthopedic guy who is on the same page as me.  I'm hoping to be surgery free for a few more years now.

I decided on a school and am well on my way to completing my coursework to become a Registered Dietician.  It's a process but everyone up at UNH has been kind and helpful.  I feel like I have found a home up there and am excited for the future.

Back to the BioChem.

I'm jealous of Dara Torres

I think this is a neat neat procedure.  But when you read about it... contraindicated for those with no ligament and history of infection. Sigh.  Working up courage to ask Doc what exactly my future hold prior to swapping out my own parts for something shiny and new.  Where the worst pain is he can't visualize.  MRI is clouded with arcs as a result of leftover teeny tiny metal fragments from my past experiences.  I would love to know what the cartilage looks like on the the lateral condyle of my femur.  Alas, it'll be a surprise until they actually go in and look. Been wearing heels lately to shift weight to medial side...  Can't do too much of that though, I hurt there as well.

Still torn about the shot on Thursday.  Pinged the Doctor... I hate being such a worrier but I'm not feeling great.  Past history makes me this way...  Paranoid?  Over thinking?   I recall my first plastic surgeon telling me that I was his little worrier.  Aw.  And then I broke open.  Or when I KNEW that something was desperately wrong after that 3rd ACL attempt and it took weeks for the surgeon to finally listen.

I hate being a nag but I know me, I know my body.  You don't go through DRAMATIC physical change with out being aware (or in my case it almost feels hyper aware) of what's going on with you.  When you ignore your sense of physical self for so long when you start paying attention decisions about your health and your care become that much more important.  I take this seriously now.  I have too, even if it means driving me (and my Doc maybe?) crazy.

Damnit, I hurt.  A lot.  But as I have blogged in past the shots hard on me systemically and I have concerns.  I'll make a decision tomorrow.

Such a mental mind fuck the chronic condition is.

Be nice to your knees

I'm sporting a nasty viral rash.  Pain included.

Thankfully it's not like the knee pain.  I'd NEVER!  But sadly there has been a rash of stories in my Google alerts lately about people taking their own lives because they can't deal.

I get it.

Shot happens on Thursday.  

Judgement

School is a lot of work.  Good happy work.  Amazing though the judgement that just oozes out of some of these girls.  Really, this is EXACTLY why I want to become an RD.

I have so many thoughts on ADA and the profession... trying to bring it all together in my head, but not quite comfortable blogging about it yet.  Stay tuned.

After today I can only hope that with age will come awareness.  I forget what it is like to be 19.