I am aware

That I am complaining about how much I hurt lately.  Such a tradeoff.  Really, I just need to stfu about it because I am doing the best I can.

I have no idea where my kneecap is anymore.

It's hard to know what to say about these pictures.  I think my second plastic surgeon said it best, "It's an awareness issue."  I need to keep remembering that.  It's not pain, it's awareness.

Management

My knee, like my weight, needs to be managed.  End of story.  I know this now. There is nothing else to be done except to continue to make the time to keep myself strong and active.

Still, I wish people would stop telling me that I'll hurt less because I am stronger.  Let's not forget all the other things that are wrong in there besides the OA.  I heard it AGAIN today.  I just.... ugh.  That's nice that you are hopeful, but I live daily with pain that when I am still can bring tears to my eyes.  Do me a favor and don't gloss over that fact.
/rant

quality of life

It's crazy but I feel like a cohesive whole.  Well, mostly, there are some obvious trouble spots.  Overall though my increase in strength is making my life easier, even if still hurts.

crunch crunch.

More please!

I'm 12 sessions in to working with the personal trainer and I am very appreciative of this opportunity.  To work out with someone who knows what they are doing has been invaluable to me.  I needed this.  I still need this.  I'm being pushed but not to the extreme.  He has been careful about helping me build up quad strength while making sure the rest of me is toning up as well.  He also listens to me go on and on about how much I hurt.  That's helpful even if I am a bit of a broken record.

I'm trying SO HARD not to be a bitter betty about the pain...  But I am disappointed that my knee feels worse not better.  Is this another one of those lies?  Lose weight!  Get active!  All your troubles will magically disappear!  Yeah notsomuch.  My left knee is getting more ball like by the day.  If you've ever seen an arthritic joint you know what I mean.  I had forgotten how bad it is really... the extra pounds of fat and lack of muscle in my thighs was hiding the shape.

I bought a Bosu Ball to use at home.  I can't tell you how many different PT offices I have used one of these in.  It's not really a ball, but like half a ball.  Great for stability training.  My left leg needs some additional work and so I shall.  Seriously?  Who am I?

Days 4-6

Meal 1
1 whole egg
2 oz lean ham
1 container plain greek yogurt

Meal 2
1/2 cup whole milk
1 scoop whey protein
1/2 cup milk

Meal 3
3 oz lean turkey breast
1 tomato
3 cups romaine
1 cup cucumbers

Meal 4
1/2 oz raw almonds
4 oz chicken thighs

Meal 5
4 oz extra lean ground turkey
2 cups baby spinach
1/2 cup chopped onion

Meal 6
1T natural peanut butter
2 celery sticks

I've gotten through days 1-3 again and it's honestly been okay, pretty good actually.  I know the protein is helping me stay less hungry.  I'm bulking up with veggies (above and beyond what he talks about) and that is also helping me stay full.  You only have to go a couple of hours though.  I'm like the baby right now.  When she eats I eat. :)

Last week I modified these days a bit, skipped the almonds and added veggies to my chicken thighs and ate that as a dinner.  This also allowed me 2 T of peanut butter which is more filling.  I weigh the pb out in grams in a snack sized plastic bag and bring along a bag of pre cut & washed celery sticks.  Then I simply rip a tiny corner off and squeeze the PB right onto the celery.  Quick, easy and more or less clean when you are on the go!

I find myself really missing red meat.  We bought a grill and have used it every day since....  I have no problems making something different for my husband, but there is just something about the smell of a steak!  Cookies, ice cream, carbs of all kinds are really easy to ignore, but I had a hard time with his steak the other night.

This won't last forever.  My sister will be joining me next week which is kind of exciting. Happy to have someone else along for the ride.

I'm still wrestling with the should I even be "dieting" thoughts.  FUCK THAT.  Pardon my language but I need to say it.  Everyone's journey is different.  I know this will work for me.  I am clearly not a statistic, I'm an outlier.  Once again, I will be that.  There was a sad stat in my lifecycle class last summer about how many women lose the baby weight within a year.  It's not very high.

Besides feeling like I have something to prove I just need to get it off.  I've got a baby to lug around and she's far more fun than extra pounds!  The knee is holding up, but it hurts.  A lot. I keep waiting for it to hurt less.  I think I'll be waiting a good long while.



So in the mean time, I work out twice a week with the trainer, I continue to walk with my baby, either pushing the stroller where I can or wearing her on the trails.  But as always, it has to be about the food.

I've got this.

Range

Pick one.
181.6 - the weight I've seen since last Wednesday.
180.4 - the weight I saw for the first time yesterday (This time around)
or
179.8!!!

These were the three weights I saw when I weighed myself this morning.  My scale, not the greatest. But I'm happy with that range after a week of effort.  Clearly my scale has a memory.

I don't recall the 180's much.  I was here briefly on my way down in 2004. My excess skin was a huge drag on me at this weight.  I felt skinny but had so much bulk in it.  Now, I feel skinny, but all the bulk is in my butt!  This is no doubt thanks to my plastic surgeries.

I'm feeling pretty awesome about myself.  My sister took some pictures this past weekend and my only complaints are how wonky my poor knee looks.  I'll add... my baby being able to sit by herself is the most awesome thing ever.

You can't lose while counting your maintenance calories.

I wonder how it will be on Sunday? It's my carb day.  Sweet potatoes and rice?  Yes please!
Currently I'm eating the 6 "meals" that are for days 4-6. A bit more fat and that's helping me be less hungry.  When I have more than a minute I'll write it down.

Ah-ha moment today.  Counting calories of the foods that I was eating in maintenance was not going to help me lose weight.  Not real weight anyways.

I've been to countless blogs lately that make me want to scream through my screen "Y U NO TALK ABOUT MAINTENANCE?

It's a post in itself. You can't be a weight loss blogger forever if you've come even remotely close to goal.  I saw one woman totally get that this week and I love her for it.  The internets needs more women like her, but the rest.  Ugh.  I'm annoyed.  I don't care about your bounce pounds... They are most likely a result of your denial of maintenance.  Get off the weight loss wagon and live your life maintaining! They are two different skills, you can't ignore that if you want to live with food.

/rant.
Bedtime.

Just say no

It's currently pretty easy to say no to food because it's not on my plan.  Not a protein or veggie? Then no.  I'm able to modify a bit, I've been out to lunch yesterday and Tuesday and I've gotten a salad with grilled chicken.  Eaten half the chicken and called it a day.  Ever ask a server what portion of meat they put on a salad?  I can eyeball 4 and 6 ounces pretty easily, but it helps to know the starting point sometimes.

Will I be able to keep this up?  I think so.  I have husband support and as my trainer said to me last night, "It's just food."  Indeed.  A month or two of this is not the end of the world.  

3rd starting point

This is where I am starting.  My scale actually gave me three different numbers this morning.  185.6 and 185 also, but I happily took a picture of the lower number. For record keeping though I'll stick with the 185.  It's amazing to me that I have been able to stay here with no thought or effort, just by being me since November.  The fluid came off quick... but the rest has to be all me.  I'm finally ready.

I'm three meals in.  Anyone want to share their favorite protein powder? The one I used this morning made me want to gag.

Days 1-3

Meal 1
4 egg whites
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 cup broccoli

Meal 2
2 scoops Whey protein

Meal 3
1 can Tuna (in water)
2 cups red pepper

Meal 4
6 oz. chicken breast
1 cup green beans

Meal 5
6 oz. halibut
2 cups baby spinach
1 cup asparagus

Meal 6
2 scoops Whey protein

I chatted with the trainer about his meal plan on Saturday during my session.  Adding veggies is fine (obv not the starchy ones) and I will be doing that.  He also said it's okay to be moving meals as long as you eat every few hours and get them all in.  Meal 2 will most likely be what I start with... It's just easier.  Meal 1, the egg whites will be an omelet  with some added spinach when the baby takes her am nap.  Tuna... This will be a "salad" type thing with added diced onion, celery, and little bit of shredded carrot.  I'll also add a wee bit of mustard and if I get desperate, a T of greek yogurt. I plan on eating the peppers as strips, but will also get some yellow and orange ones as well.  Eat the rainbow and all that. Meal 4 will potentially be a stir fry type thing, and to help my own cause I'll be cutting up the chicken strips and cooking them before hand.  Added will be garlic and some lemon. Meal 5 will be pretty plain, nothing too much to gussy up there.  I was reading up on the best way to cook the halibut, looks like searing in the pan and finishing in the over.  Perfect!  I have pans for that purpose. Last but not least the day will end with another protein shake.  I HATE protein powder.  I'd prefer something else and am actively looking for a replacement, but not a lot of things have 25 grams of protein in approximately 200 calories. Still, I can do it this week.

So that's that.  What's required of me...  Preparation and THOUGHT!  The last part is key.  Every time I'm tempted it's just about making the choice.  I'll admit I'm kind of concerned that this won't work... but it should.  I know I can keep the weight off, I just need to get there.  I do not doubt my ability to maintain, but I am a little nervous that I won't be able to lose.

As always, weight loss, such a mental mind fuck.

I do not want to think about food.

I'm looking forward to the diet.  Craziness.  But different things work for different people at different times in their life.  There is no one size fits all way to lose weight.  I expect this to work for me.  I'm ready and willing and it requires very little thought.

I've popped the meal plan into myplate.gov so I could get a look at what I'd be deficient in... Obviously some things, but it's cleaner eating than what I have been taking in.  Just because it's made with organic ingredients and no preservatives doesn't mean it's good for you...  A cookie is still a cookie.

I'm feeling less overwhelmed by the new Momness but still just as busy.  I'm far more concerned with what (or not) and how my daughter eats than my own food.  If I was still single with all the free time in the world it would be different.  But I'm not and so I need to have a different tactic.

I wonder why I feel the need to justify.  I think because all I have read lately is that dieting is bad bad BAD FOR YOU!  Meh, maybe if you are already a healthy weight and heavily influenced by Glossies...  Dieting is not the worst thing you can do for yourself, it has in fact saved many of us.

I realize losing twenty pounds in not going to save my life the way losing 185 pounds did.  I do believe it will make me happier and healthier though.  Less weight it always a good thing on this broken body and getting back the headspace that I'm currently giving to thoughts of "I'm fat" is certainly going to make me happier.  I don't have to accept this body as the way it's going to be for the rest of my life no way.

Date night dinner was AMAZING!  We went to No. 9 Park had an app, main course and dessert. It was just enough at each course to feel happily full at the end of the meal without feeling like I had overdone it.  I was afraid I'd be all MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS knowing that I was starting a diet on Monday but that has so not been the case.

I still believe I am cured, just need to get this baby weight off!

Restrictive dieting

Brain dump ahead.

The trainer I am working with will provide you with a meal plan aimed at keeping metabolism humming and confused. The gist of it, Days 1-3 70% Protein, 15% each fat and carbs.  Days 4-6 is 50% protein, 30% fat and still 15% carbs.  The last day is 25% protein, 20% fat and 55% carbs.  I think my numbers don't exactly match his on the last day but it's close enough.  Average daily calories is 1250.  YIKES!!!

So back in the day, about this time of year in 2000 I was eating 1200 calories give or take in a day.  I did that for well over a year and a half getting back down to 240.  I think about it now and I am amazed I persevered for so long.  Maybe that's just the benefit of time?  Was it hard?  It must have been,  still,  I must have done it.  I motivated EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY.  And almost everyday I ate 1200 calories. I have my food diary from then.  Lots of veggies.  Lots and lots of veggies.  SO few calories.

Anyways, back to now.  As a wannabe RD I follow a bunch of actual RD's on Twitter, a bunch of ppl who have been to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, many a folk who have basically hung out their own shingle and various other ppl at all stages of their journey.  I like the maintainers who know they should be maintaining the best.  (Think about it)  Those who need to lose weight largely talk about dieting.  The RD's saying you shouldn't diet, it's bad for you, it only leads to an eating disorder.  Maybe? I don't think so.

I am going to attempt to follow his plan for as long as I can.  I'm allowed to add spices.  :)  I get a little nervous about eating the same thing over and over for several days at a time, but in reality when I lost weight before, I was doing exactly that.  Also, knowing what I know, I'll ask and see about a few substitutions, for example, I need more Iron from my salad greens!

I think I'm ready to add in the diet part of this. The exercise is not only making me strong, it's also making me feel guilty.  I shouldn't be eating like crap when I need to be actually fueling my body. When you are merely existing it's easy to be complacent. Edited to add that his plan appeals to me because I won't have to think about it.  I just follow and eat.  That's okay to do.  I know this.

I'm still kind of hard on myself.  But in reality, I'm doing all right. 185.6 this morning.  I want that number to move.  It will take concerted effort, and yes, dieting mentality.  I need to kick it out of maintenance mode for the moment.  Clearly I can do that, no matter what the weight.  I will add 185 to the list of pounds where I can hang, it includes 165 and 240.

The when.  I think Monday of next week.  I know it's cliche, a Monday.  Don't care.  My mom is sponsoring an overnight date night for my husband and I this weekend.  Will be at a B&B in the city and she'l be with my little girl.  It'll be hard to leave her but I'm looking forward to the time with my husband.

She's 5 months today. And I hear her.  Perfect timing.  One last edit: