Friday, May 28, 2010

It's all in your head

So last summer when I did my middle I had some horrible crazy scary dreams for a week post-op. Not so this year, thankfully. I had dreams about people chasing me with knives and beating me up. Obviously I was processing what I had just done. I have a hard time with the actual physical part of all this and how drastic it is to have to do this. I feel almost as if I have violated myself. Which, with all those years of food abuse I did and then when I lost it, I still wasn't done abusing my body. Abusing might be too strong, but I don't know what else to call this kind of surgery. The left over me was something that I was never going to be able to take care of on my own so either live with it or deal with it.

Dealing with it is hard. Surgery is no joke and I can't help but be concerned for my well being (and those around me) for the next 10 days or so. If I make it that far I will feel over the hump. At 9 days last summer is when I started to split open. As I have learned in the past year the body is pretty damn delicate and easily invaded. I don't want to jinx self, but so far so good.
I really just need to be thinking positive healing thoughts, which I am. But that's a wee bit hard at close to 3 am and you are still feeling like you are breathing out anesthesia and your head hurts and legs are like sausages. Not complaining, just saying, all of these things are part of the process that I just need to work through.

I'm doing okay though, my subconscious tells me so!

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