Out the window

M took the day off today and we headed up to LL Bean. We drove through Bowdoin and had lunch at Cook's lobster house. I had a very yummy lobster roll but no dessert.

But then I came across a whoopie pie at the mini mart where we gassed up before getting on the highway. Made by some local bakery it looked very tasty and since I have been craving whoopie pies lately I bought it. It was very tasty. But it was HUGE. Before I even got in the car I took it out of the wrapper peeled off the top and tossed it into the trash. M didn't bat an eye. Gosh I love him. I had about half of what was left, licked some of the frosting off the rest before tossing it out the window on the highway on ramp. Sweet tooth satisfied. I know it bugs twin sis when I toss food like that, but really, I don't want all of it. My mouth was happily coated in fat and the sweetness was almost too much. I would happily pay more for a smaller portion.

Such a wonderful day off. I am afraid I ruined it when we got home. I had a weepy moment about my shape. We started shopping for our winter trip to Yellowstone where I will need pants. Athletic gear is not designed for people with my shape. In happy news though I snagged a fabulous Smart Wool sweater for cheap. They also make leggings. I own several long wool skirts-- not for skiing of course, but I bet I could make that work for tours that don't involve prolonged periods of being outdoors.

Must?

Overweight women must work out twice as hard :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Health News

I am not like everyone else. I know this, but whenever these studies come out they make me nervous.

Running Errands

Is always better on the bicycle.

Back in Boulder I lived close enough to the grocery store so I could walk, now I can ride. It's just a little to far to walk there and back in a timely fashion. Today I circled a local pond on the way to get in a few more miles before stopping for pizza makings for M and cat food. I'll be seeing another show with twin sis tonight so he is on his own. Last night he just forgot to eat. I could tell when I got home that he had made it only as far as the ice cream and cookies. Not great nutrition, but better him than me. This is why I have no problems picking stuff up for him from the store if means he'll eat a little better.

Some may know that I have a love hate relationship with the grocery store-- I am loving it again lately. If I can't carry it back I don't need it. Also, it helps me to be comfortable with food. I often look at the pastries (especially at Whole Foods) but rarely buy them. Maybe if they had calorie counts I would be more tempted to actually make the purchase. Today I circled by the cupcakes with flower frosting and drooled. I bought shrimps instead for my salad.

One of these days.... Hmmm frosting. I wonder if anyone around here is doing shots? I'd ride 10 miles for one.

I wore a leather skirt instead

And was way more comfortable for last nights George Michael show. I had planned on wearing those knee shorts, but umm, just wasn't comfortable in them. I feel like everyone would be looking at my tummy hanging around my hips. Maybe I should make peace with the fact that I am just more comfortable wearing a skirt or dress. It's hard to feel that way though when people think you are always dressed up with no wear to go. Especially right now with no school and no job for the moment.

Never mind.

I should not have to apologize for my girlieness.

Making Peace

My extra me requires me to shop for a 12 in pants/shorts. I know this but have a hard time buying them. Sigh. I am very comfortable in a 8/10 for skirts and dresses (the non pencil type of course) but the 12 is hard for me to buy in bottoms. But today I did. I believe they are called walking shorts, I couldn't pass them up at 7 bucks. They look pretty cute even if the waist is all bunched up by my belt.

It's good exercise but with complications

I really enjoy riding my bike. As a kid we lived at the bottom of a hill. I am sure that hill isn't as scary as I remember it but it seemed huge. I would get about halfway up and quit, turn around and then coast back down. It was .2 miles.

Riding in the city can pose some challenges, but I do enjoy it. Since we have moved we are now on the backside of the hill that kept me from riding as much as I would have liked. But now, departing and returning to the house is relatively flat.

So... the challenges. Last week I headed out to the Minute Man bike path. Now that I known how to get there on bike lanes (Thank you Peoples Republic of Cambridge) I ride it at least once a week. Roundtrip is almost 30 miles. It takes you through Arlington, Lexington and then on to Bedford. So the last time I was on it just after I had crossed through Arlington center I saw about a hundred yards ahead some kid back his bicycle into a pedestrian. I had assumed he just didn't see her. Wrong. This kid was the biggest shit I have ever run across. I watched as he continued to buzz pedestrians and then swerve in front of those who were trying to get past him. He had a buddy with him who watched but didn't partake. Clearly this kid was going to do the same thing when I tried to pass him so I held back, and of course they slowed down. Getting nervous I was just like, okay, step on it. And of course he swerved in front of me. I am totally motivated by a fear of falling. My knee can't take it. I swerved to the other side and so did he and that was when I just unloaded on this kid. Screaming as loud as I could with more swears than I have used in a really really long time I let this kid have it. His buddy stopped in his tracks and I think I actually saw fear in this kids eyes. I was so mad. I kinda felt bad for calling him a useless piece of shit but he deserved it. Who lets their kids act like this. After the 30 second tirade of F bombs and the like, I peddled off and that was it. I was going to ride the bike path today but got a bit too much sun at the beach yesterday so instead I headed to the Charles River. It's a shorter ride by almost 10 miles.

I come through Harvard Sq and hop on the bike path at the corner of Memorial Drive and JFK Street. Today as I was coming down JFK I watched some guy bang a Uie (Boston term) and move into the right hand lane. You are not supposed to ride on the sidewalks in Cambridge so I was on the road. The first car turned right on red and the guy who had made the U turn started moving forward and edging right. Which is when my handlebars nicked his sideview mirror. I'm not sure if he saw me or not but he was kind enough to get out and ask if I was okay. More or less. When I went down it was, of course on my bum knee. Since my kneecap is so far out of whack it doesn't do much protecting. I rode on even after that incident but am now starting to regret it. My knee is a big ball of fluid. Something jabbed me just above my latest incision line and now I ache. Oof. I also scrapped up my wrist pretty bad, but all in all it could have been much worse. Imagine if he had turned into me. I should have realized he was going to turn right after he banged the U turn on one of the busiest streets in Cambridge, but there was no blinker. As I am fond of saying... I don't care where you are going, I just want to know when.

One of these days I should renew my gym membership. There is only so much lifting to be done at home. I'll cardio on my bike though as long as the weather holds out, I don't get run over or assaulted on the bike path.

PS. Edited to add-- I can only imagine if I had still been fat what that little shit would have said. I shudder to think.

I miss my Mom

Terribly, I know she is on the trip of a lifetime, but still. She should be coming back to civilization tomorrow. Hopefully there will be an email from her.

In other news I am back on the wagon. Seems that my weight was creeping up, even with all the exercise and it being that time of month, anything over 160 (163 on Tuesday) is cause for me to buckle down. Not cause for alarm, but I get uncomfortable in my clothes if gets any higher than that. My jeans stopped fitting well and considering I just passed off my 12s (which I wore forever even when they were too big b/c they weren't that big) to twin sis I need to make sure I am paying attention. Besides eating like crap backs me up. I made a special trip for fiber today...

So twin sis came for dinner last night, we sat at the table and had steak and potato salad. Made me miss Mom even more, but it was nice to spend time with my sister. She made the comment today that the house seems to be pretty "bad snack" free. Ummm, she didn't look in M's baking closet-- marshmallows, chocolate covered graham cookies. Then in the freezer ice cream sandwiches, coconut pops and fudge brownie ice cream. It is all calling my name. I bet even my mom could hear it in Vanuatu.

Buck Up

That's what I keep saying to myself. Last week flew by-- it was lots of fun. There was a beach day, 100+ miles on my bike, a visit with M's family on the weekend and a boat cruise. Plus all the errands associated with not working I was amazed at how quickly it went.

And then it was Monday.

I saw the Doctor yesterday. I wish I weren't so damn bitter. Two years ago I was getting in shape, working out my knee in anticipation of my third ACL replacement. I was fit and excited to get back some stability and buy myself some more time before a TKR. We all know how that ended. Three surgeries later I was told the bone graft is healing well and that it's probably time to refer me to the joint guy. Sigh. So much to consider and I need more information. I left the office in tears as usual but tried to perk up.

I don't know what insurance companies or surgeons consider a good quality of life. But supposedly when your starts to suffer you can get a new knee. Exercise doesn't seem to have that much of an impact. And by that I mean it doesn't make it any less or more painful. If anything it helps keep the crap from building up in there. Crap could be anything, fluid, bone, cartilage etc. The doctor said that just because I could ride 20 miles a day doesn't mean I should be. That annoyed me. I want to be able to do these things. At 31 I should be able to do these things and more. I am pretty damn fit for someone whose lost 185 pounds. But that weight doesn't stay off by itself. I need to be active and I wonder-- how long can I keep up living my life, the way I want to, before my leg just craps out. Am I supposed to live my thirties in constant pain when there are things out there that could help me now.

When I had my last ACL surgery one of the motivating reasons was the surgeon told me that I would lose my mobility by time I was 40 if I didn't do something about the instability. So I did and no I am even worse off. I suppose it's another post but I must figure out a way to forgive that guy for f*cking up my knee the way he did. Not everyone is the perfection that was Dr. Doneldson. I miss that guy. He never blew me off, never ignored my tears about pain and always made me feel like I wasn't crazy when it came to my knee. My Doctor now is a product of the health care system.... and I think he feels bad he sent me to that butcher. I can't wait to see who he refers me to next. Maybe the right surgeon is out there. But in the meantime I do need to just get over it. The pity party needs to end. Besides I've eaten all the party snacks.

Twinier

Things I didn't expect to happen today:
There is now just ten pounds between twin sis and I at 5pm.
She left my house wearing my old jeans.
Mom had Oreos in her freezer. And I only had 1.

Are all knee implants the same? - The Boston Globe

Are all knee implants the same? - The Boston Globe

Promising. A guy in Bio class last semester was a sales rep for Zimmer. Neat neat stuff.

WALL-E's 'fattist' satire angers fat pride groups - Telegraph

From my Google Alerts.... I try to stay away from the politics of fat. The view is different from where I stand than most. But this... I haven't seen the movie yet but that is irrelevant to what bothered me most in this article. They interviewed several people including Fatima Parker the UK Spokesperson for the International Size Acceptance Association. I added the emphasis on the last line.

WALL-E's 'fattist' satire angers fat pride groups - Telegraph

"Fat people here are constantly told that we are failures: as people, as parents, as role models."

Ms Parker's argument is that overweight people are less likely to become morbidly obese, if they are allowed to feel comfortable about their bodies. She believes derogatory language and stereotypes about fat people as greedy will only make them eat more.

"On TV shows such as You Are What You Eat and The Biggest Loser, we are made out to be disgusting and less than human - called cows and whales.

It's hardly going to make me go and eat carrots and run around the garden.

"I would rather have cancer or diabetes than serious depression about how I look."

So full disclosure here... I still am not a huge fan of the way I look. I have more or less come to peace with it, but occasionally it still depresses me that I am carrying around all this extra skin. Does it make me want to eat more? Hell no. I would rather be saggy and squishy than all stretched out, full up of fat that makes life hard to live. Also, this really only applies when my clothes are off-- I can easily cover up my flaws and so I get dressed up everyday for a reason-- it makes me feel good about myself. Being healthy makes me feel good about myself. No one can tell me how to feel. Only I am in control of my emotions and my responses to the world around me.

So here's my issue with Ms. Parker. Comparing depression over ones appearance to cancer/diabetes is like comparing apples and cupcakes. Depression (in most cases) is NOT going to kill you. It's mental/chemical. Type II Diabetes and cancer can and probably will kill you. These are physical aliments brought on by an unhealthy lifestyle. One of my biggest motivating factors in wanting to lose weight was watching my Gram suffer through the last years of her life. Diabetes is an ugly ugly disease and a horrible way to die. It robbed her of her sight, her mobility and eventually her life. A week later my uncle died of Pancreatic cancer. Again a horrible way to go. Having those diseases would depress the f*ck out of me. Cancer is a hard one because lately it seems so indiscriminate in who and when it attacks, but living a healthier lifestyle will decrease your chances and taking weight off will certainly lower your risk for diabetes.

Maybe Ms. Parker has never known anyone who has suffered from diabetes or cancer? Such a flippent comment... Ugh. I don't think she understands what she is saying.

The Meatball Sub

Back in the day, I could eat a large meatball sub, a bag of Doritoes (not the 99 cent version either) and a package of 6 cupcakes all in one evening. Ooof. Way too much food.

It had been years since I have indulged in meal like that. I never eat Doritoes anymore and if a cupcake is in sight I am more likely to lick off the frosting and leave the rest. I have steered clear of meatball subs all together.

But for lunch today we had homemade ones! And they were so tasty. Everything we made ourselves except the fresh mozzarella. I added some roasted garlic and fresh basil to M's sauce from last week, fried up the leftover meatballs in a little olive oil added those with the cheese to the sauce and then let simmer while the onion rolls toasted. Seriously, the best meatball sub I have ever had.

I feel better already

9:50 am and I have already gotten in my daily ride. I average about 10 miles an hour I think. Just enough to keep me sweating but not panting. My legs feel so much better, no more twitching at night and the night sweats have eased off this week. I am concerned that something (stitch maybe?) is about to pop out of my knee. It has been sore and tender in that one spot for days. Something is under there working it's way to the surface. Ew. The hole also seems to be collapsing again. Just after surgery there was a small mound where he had filled it, but that's gone now and the hole is palpable under the skin. Where did all those little bone granules go I wonder? These are the things I think about on my ride.

The coolest new toy ever.

I am addicted to my iphone. Everything all in one.

So awesome.

No blogging when drunk

Beer and wine a winning combination. Okay, maybe not really, but I had fun. I have always viewed alcohol as empty calories and at this lesser weight can't toss them back like I used too.

That's a good thing, but learning moderation was hard. Well, at least when it comes to the drinks. It's not like one cookie makes it easier to have 5 more. (That's a diet mentality I've worked very hard to over come.) But once you start drinking it's all, sure, I'll have another. And another.

I had a lovely time last night with the friends I made in the Chem class. However it reinforced for me that dropping it was the right choice-- they even brought me my test from monday. A 76. Way better than I had anticipated, it was nice to see that I did understand the material-- if only the rest of my life had been behaving. But no regrets.

Gmaps Pedometer

Gmaps Pedometer

Like runstoppable.com but I like this version better.

The Yellow Sweater

So the above comes from twin sis' blog over on myspace. That's all it said.

When I was at Ann Taylor Loft the other day trying on this lovely linen/cotton number I didn’t realize it was the same one. But at 15$ I couldn’t pass it up. In the back of my head something was pinging me—twin sis, size M, ping ping ping.
So the other night at Mom’s she was all, where did you get that sweater. The Loft I said. That’s the one I blogged about she said. We both bought it in yellow.

Damnit-- we are supposed to be sharing clothes not buying the same things!

This low sodium thing...

Has been good for me too. M and I have sat down to more meals in our new house than I think we did in the whole 4 years we were at our last place. We made homemade meatballs the other day. They were quite tasty and the extras have been frozen for subs when M makes a suitable loaf. We added flaxseed to last night’s loaf. More dense and chewy but still yummy. I like stuff in my bread- and by stuff I mean fiber.
I’m slightly concerned that our cooking is bothering our neighbors. They left us a note asking us to be more considerate about shoes and moving furniture in the late evening hours and early mornings. I think perhaps their bedroom is below our kitchen. Our furniture has been in place for weeks, I think it just might be the kitchen chairs on the floor. I don’t think that we have been particularly loud, just living our lives. And for us that means making meals at 10pm.
The scale has been consistently at 158. I think that reflects the lower sodium in my diet in the past two weeks. I feel way less bloated and my clothes are fitting better/differently. I tend to carry anything extra in my extra so I was thrilled to see a difference.

Life is too short

To have been unhappy for only 4 more weeks of chemistry would have been 4 too many. I was reminded of that again this weekend when I learned Eleanor passed away at the end of June-- you can read her obit here. Ever since I can remember she was a part of my Wellfleet experience. Back in the day Gram rented out many a room to people who worked summers for her. I can't remember the last time I saw Eleanor, it is possible it may have been after my Grams funeral mass. But twin sis saw her just a few weeks back-- if there was any hint of the pancreatic cancer she didn't know. Again-- life is too short to be unhappy.

I am so glad I dropped that class. I am still have a wee bit of anxiety over it so I engaged in some retail therapy today. Bike accessories-- a cage and water bottle, front and back lights. A fitness skort from LL Bean that I love and a hat for outdoor use. (Sometimes shades bug me.) Lastly I bought a pair of city shoes. Good for bike riding and walking-- flip flops are the devil. I prefer my toes be protected and my knee screams out for support.

So now what to do with all this free time? Exercise, look for a job and enjoy every moment to its fullest.

And most likely head down to Welfleet on Thursday for Eleanor's memorial service at the drive in. She'll be missed.

It's been hard to ignore

The nagging knee bump-- it is getting quite round.

And the night sweats. Even harder to ignore because I wake up every day soaked. Is this pre menopause? Meh-- I saw the gynecologist last fall. I was sweating profusely before my cycle started-- the birth control seemed to take care of that. But this past spring and now well into summer I have been a sweaty mess. I woke up this morning with damp sheets and a pool of sweat on my chest. Ick. What the hell is wrong with me? It can be 90 and humid and I don't sweat, but put me to bed and the waterworks start.

I know what this has been indication of in past. I try not to worry but it has been shadowing me for well over two month now. I see the knee doc in two weeks. My mom saw him yesterday, he asked about me. She told him the truth, he shook his head and sighed. Me too.

I'm going for a bike ride. I need to be stronger and now I have the time. I wasn't prepared for how much I hurt at the end of those two weeks of class. The physical act of commuting and the long days. Harder on my knee that I thought.

PS. I love you!

My husband is the best man in the world.

The Weight It is

Too much. Way too much. Today was the last day to drop the Chemistry class. And I did. For a million right reasons.

I feel more like an adult today that I ever have in my whole life. I relieved the worst years of my life in Boulder via my academic transcript with M over the phone after my exam. My past is part of who I am-- but I am nothing if I don't learn from my mistakes. So I stopped in, had a nice chat with the Professor and said see you in the fall. I get back 50% of tuition and nothing on my transcript. Good enough for me.

I think there must be a reason most normal people take a year to study chemistry,

And with that, I get my summer back.

Expect Less Posts

I way too busy with Chemistry.

But weight was 159.0 this am.

YaY!

the scale is evil

Or maybe it is all the bread I have been eating? M is making his own now. I need to lay off it. 1sixty2 this morning. What's up with that. I feel carb bloated and backed up. Ugh.

Wedding was lovely, dress looked great but we left before they cut the cake.

Chemistry has taken over my life.