Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Pain vs. 345

When I got to 345 pounds I was PROFOUNDLY uncomfortable in my own skin.  I hurt, it was difficult to move and I was losing feeling in my fingertips.  (my ah-ha moment)  The thing is... I could do something about that discomfort.  I was able, thru sheer will, to take it away.

I can't take away the pain of my OA.  I can not will it away, work it off or change my life to rid myself of it.  There are things I can do to help alleviate it, but at the end of the day, I am left with it.  No matter how hard I wish and no matter what I do.

At least for now.  But the future, almost 40! seems so far away.  One step in front of another for how many more years?

The tears of frustration I have cried over this fact...  I wish I could get people to understand what it is like living with this part, this part that constantly reminds you of who you are and how you got here. Unfortunately few will ever get this far in their own journey and even fewer will be scarred by the weight they once carried.

My "thinness" reminds me everyday of what I am capable of, the pictures I posted earlier, also reminders.  I can do great things, but I can not take away my own pain.  Until then I deal.  The best ways I know how.

Two more weeks.


Inner said...

Your blog is my favorite blog. You're done with losing, and I'm just starting, but I get more comfort from your words than any where else. I look forward to your updates about how much joy you have living in your thinner body, and I know that it is possible for me too. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry that you have a bum knee. Its not your fault. No one deserves to suffer long term pain, especially you. Long term pain is mind boggling. It invades all aspects of your life and thoughts. I am amazed how well you do with maintenance in light of your circumstances. I hope that you can find a treatment that helps alleviate this problem for you. I hope that you end up with what you deserve...to live in your new body pain free. Thank you for making my world a bit brighter, and pls know that you have one more person in your corner wishing great things to come your way.

Sarah said...

Thanks, that means a lot to me.