Fail

I'm still baffled and bullshit about the Synvisc fail this week.  Doc was charming as always but for some reason it had to be him to inform me that the shot I wanted isn't given in that office.

I took the news pretty well I think.  Didn't say much actually, too exhausted and too overwhelmed.  Rescheduled for the 11th of November.

In case it's not apparent I schedule my life around pain.

Happy Birthday to my Best Friend

Thanks for coming along on this amazing journey with me.  (Like you have any choice).  You inspire me everyday to be the best version of myself.  I don't always get it right but your love and support mean a lot to me. 

 I love you!

Edited to add.  I am positive that in this picture I am on the right.  I had another picture up yesterday on Facebook of little us.  When I was heavier I had a hard time identifying myself in tiny twin photos.  Now there is never a question for me.  I am that familiar with myself as a person and where I have come from.  My weight loss journey really helped me get a sense of self & and allows me see where I have come from.  <3

Happy Birthday to Me

I have some time in the middle of my day when I commute up to UNH.  Last week I decided to hit up Freeport, another 70 miles away.  I have been wanting to return some backpacks to L.L. Bean that had been rumbling around in the back of the car for ages.  I love their return policy, these were bags that my husband bought ages ago but didn't like the way they fit so they just sat in the closet.  Two years later I finally got around to returning them and they gave me current value.

And with that, I bought this dress and ended up only paying 40$ for it.  I think I'll wear it for my Birthday.  It's the most gorgeous heavy silk and I adore it.  Should go well with a tweed jacket I scored thrifting for this fall and the old lady shoes I bought while shopping with my sister yesterday.  We both bough a pair of brown oxfords, but mine are all chunky heel and hers all sexy heel.  That's fine, they're still cute and I know they'll make me happy to wear them on Wednesday with this lovely dress.  I have no problems working with what I have.  Style & confidence comes from the way you wear it.

Relief

My handicap placard was issued.  Thank you thank you thank you thank you.  I have to admit, I just kind of sent it off and had no idea what if anything was going to happen.  I can be cowardly sometimes and asking for things... it's hard especially when I still feel like this is something that I have done to myself.  And i know, I KNOW, that this is NOT something that I did to myself.  

Looking forward to Wednesday's appointment.  Hopefully there will be time to chat.  I feel extremely well educated about what my options are way down the road, what kind of cartilage defects are good for what kind of surgeries and where the current state of cartilage and osteoarthritis research is.  I know ALL OF THIS STUFF about other knees and all that and yet I have no idea where my cartilage damage is.  How do I not know that?  Frustrates me to read about these procedures... and not know.  I assume there is some meniscal cartridge damage because I've read in past surgical reports that it had been trimmed.  But other defects?   I assume that the articular cartilage is messed up in places but where those places are...  I have no idea.  Well, I have a general idea, I know where I hurt.

Learned something interesting in Nutrition Education and Counseling this week.  It's okay to revise goals.  Shows you have been thinking about them.  When I said I want to go 5 years being surgery free.  I still hope for that... but seriously, I'm a little under a year in and I don't know if I can last.  I know I need to try, but I don't want things to get too roughed up in there, I already fear that I may be past the point of no return and that some of these neat biological procedures might not work on me.  Most assume that you have no other issues and only one or two defects.  We all know that's not me.  They also assume you have ligaments.  Also not me.

I'm feeling bit sorry for myself today obviously.  It's the result of not being able to stand for a show.  I can go and hang out at the bar before hand, but the actual show.  Yeah, no.  Standing and I.  We are just not cool.  Especially if I want to walk tomorrow.

Wednesday can't come soon enough

I'm kinda over 33 and ready for 34. And obviously I'm looking forward to seeing the Doc. 

Foam Roller Fair

Generally my pain seems to be easing up a bit.  At least that's what I've noticed it this week, I keep a pain diary.  It's not a lot, more like a 6 with no help...  I credit the foam roller with this.  It's really the only thing I have been doing differently.  I had forgotten how good that pain feels and after 10 days of 5 minutes a day it's already easier again.  Perhaps this is all in my head, but I'll take it.

Of course as I sit here and type this blog parts of my knee are a screaming pinging 8 because of my afternoon at the Topsfield Fair.  It was a great time with Twin Sis and we basically wandered and ate.  I had 1/2 a pretzel, an apple, a pickle, 1/2 sweet potato fry order, 1/2 a turkey leg and an twist cone with chocolate jimmies.  And some kettle corn.  Not bad for fair food... I could have done a lot more damage.

Twin sis took this picture of me earlier today.  Love the shirt but something in the camera angle makes me think I look fat.  (It's my arms.)  Amazing because I've seen a weight lower this week than I have in months.

Pain vs. 345

When I got to 345 pounds I was PROFOUNDLY uncomfortable in my own skin.  I hurt, it was difficult to move and I was losing feeling in my fingertips.  (my ah-ha moment)  The thing is... I could do something about that discomfort.  I was able, thru sheer will, to take it away.

I can't take away the pain of my OA.  I can not will it away, work it off or change my life to rid myself of it.  There are things I can do to help alleviate it, but at the end of the day, I am left with it.  No matter how hard I wish and no matter what I do.

At least for now.  But the future, almost 40! seems so far away.  One step in front of another for how many more years?

The tears of frustration I have cried over this fact...  I wish I could get people to understand what it is like living with this part, this part that constantly reminds you of who you are and how you got here. Unfortunately few will ever get this far in their own journey and even fewer will be scarred by the weight they once carried.

My "thinness" reminds me everyday of what I am capable of, the pictures I posted earlier, also reminders.  I can do great things, but I can not take away my own pain.  Until then I deal.  The best ways I know how.

Two more weeks.

Recent life in pictures & hats. And a glimpse into how I shop.

This was a fun evening.  One thing I love about where we live now is the walk home.  Won't love it so much when it gets cold again, but right now.  Still a big fan.  Great lighting along this bridge. Tank is Ann Taylor and Coat is London Fog.  Necklace is some sort of marked vintage that I can't recall.

Same night but now with hat as I was a bit further along my walk.  Parts of it are a wind tunnel and I was frozen by then even though it was 75 and humid at 11pm.

That's my favorite scar.  Denim jacket is Ralph Lauren, thrifted and PERFECT!  Dress is from Target earlier this year.  I kind of wish it was a bit longer but it works on me.  I know it's just left over "I hate my legs."  

I <3 Mom.  Pardon how tired she looks here she was just back from her first week of PhD school at UAB.  Hat is from Target, earrings are antique sterling screws and the sweater is something I bought on sale at Banana Republic last Fall.  I've always loved the cardi coats. 

 I am in the dressing room at Savers here.  The skirt and shirt are both silk and both Calvin Klein.  The sweater is cashmere with a gold thread running though it.  It is a different cardigan than above even though it looks similar. Can't see the shoes but one of my favorite pair of sandals.  I am also wearing my wedding jewelry, besides Haskell I have a thing for Regency rhinestones. 

I'm acting like a dork.  This jacket was something I picked up at Savers.... It still has both it's original tags.  One from Lord & Taylor and the other from Filene's Basement with it's automatic markdown.  I was thinking for Halloween, but it's actually not too bad for every day.  Shirt is Brooks Brothers, thrifted and jeans are BR.

Lots of old bathrooms at UNH.  Again with my tan trench (I also have a black one) and my omni present LV.  Turtleneck is cashmere (sensing a theme?) and from Ann Taylor.  I have a hard time paying more that 40$ for cashmere. So it has to be uber on sale or from eBay.  

From today.  Hat is from Coach, sweater from the Gap and the earrings are Haskell. I'm also wearing a brown denim skirt from Tommy Hilfiger and my favorite belt from JCrew.  

I'm a big shopper, I don't buy as many things as I did when I got to this weight but I still love to try things on.  Occasionally I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of clothes I own.  It's left over from high school I think.  I had the one pair of jeans.  That's it, just one.  I used to wash them out in the tub like every night.  My roommate was not impressed with that practice. She had enough clothes to send out, they left on Thursday and were returned the following Wednesday.  Not me, I simply didn't have that many, not enough to even last the week really.  That experience left an impression.   Recently I've been thinning the herd as it were.  Still need to cut down on the skirts  and sweaters but I am getting there. 

I hate paying full price for things.  Lingerie & workout clothes are always new, but the rest comes from all sorts of places.  Thrift stores, consignments shops, mall stores, friends.  At the end of the day it's about fit and how it looks on me and not what the tag says.  Size or price. If I really want it, I'll buy it regardless of if it is 100$ or 10$ or 1$.  It all evens out in the end. 

Bedtime

But first, Marie Claire...  meh.  Sucks that they had to be assholes about it.  Put yourself out there like that though and people are going to judge.  And judge harshly.  We all know how I feel about my knee...  The idea of running through pain like that.  Not for me, way excessive, again, to me, but to others, probably not.  It's a fine line.  I will say I think there is something to that article.  I'm pretty sure we all pass through that point, some move on and some do not.  Depends on how you want to define yourself I think...  In general though I'm more about those who are still on the journey down or new to maintenance.  People like me already have it figured out.  People like them, well, I've never really had any interest.  It's a lifestyle I'll never relate to on many levels. 

Also a fine line, healthy living blogger and weight loss blogger... that's a different post. 

I'm about living not obsessing.  I chafe at the ED term too...  I think we've covered that here as I feel I have worked quite hard at learning to live with food.  That desire comes directly from having not lived for so long.  Stuffing and hiding was what I did. 

In similar news though I've kept track of everything I've eaten lately.  I think it's school doing it to me.  Feels good to touch base like that, but not sure how long I can keep it up.  Till my birthday is the plan.  (or when school assignment is over)

Just home from a show at the Orpheum in Boston.  omg tiny seats!  I'm normal sized and it was hard.  Moved two songs in to a seat better on my knee.  That place is ummm, not for the handicapped.  I'm glad I can say yes to nights like tonight.  Live music was not part of my life when fat and I know I missed out.  I need to keep evenings like this part of my life now.  Even if it means a painkiller chased by an ibuprofen cooled off with an ice pack. 

So it's about to be sleepy time... third exam of the semester coming up this week in US Healthcare systems.  I'll give you a hint, it isn't really a system.