More Health Care Worries

I am trying to define all of my OA.  I'd like a baseline of where I am now so that in 10, 20 years I can note the progression.  I have no idea what all my healthcare $$$ pay for, but I feel like getting good appropriate care is freaking hard to do.  My PCP referred me back to my old Ortho, Dr. B. for my back.  Umm, no.  I wrote her back a terse email, saying basically I'd rather continue to hurt. She then placed referral for another Ortho and when I called to make appointment the woman on phone was all, "He doesn't do backs." Ugh, yes, I know.  But he is apparently an expert in arthritis. Hoping he'll listen to what I have to say and if he can't help, maybe knows someone who can.  Really I don't want to be "treated" I just want to define this.  How much, where, how far along?  Having answers to these questions will help me process the pain.

I think I'm grumpy because I fell last Saturday.  Jarring as always. Thank goodness I wasn't carrying my baby. And thank goodness for her.  Some how I was blessed with one of the happiest smiliest babies ever.

Healthcare

I spend a lot of time worrying about healthcare in this country.  I can't help it.  Maybe I follow to many doctors on Twitter or have had too many conversation with my mother about the future of healthcare while she pursues her PhD in Healthcare Administration.  It's scary.  We have not yet seen the bottom, not even close. I will freely admit that my current weight loss, past the baby weight and hopefully through the gain from ACL fail #3 is motivated by fear.  Fear that someday healthcare will be a moral judgement. Can I maintain motivated by fear?  Unlikely, but hopefully I can get to a weight where I don't ache constantly. Being in less pain is always motivating.

Eating well has calmed my body down and the working out has vastly improved my strength and stability, but the ache persists.  A friend told me yesterday I am too young to be in so much pain.  I don't think that if you look at me you see it.  Maybe if I were still heavy one would.  But as is.  Nope.  I think that's why I am struggling to get some help from my PCP.  I like this woman, but what am I paying for?  I just want answers, I don't want to be fixed.  I'm smart enough to know that I can't be "fixed." I hate being a heavy user of healthcare but I want to know how far along some of this OA is, how much worse can it get?  I'd prefer to never see another doctor again (unless it's a plastic surgeon) but I can't get away with that.  This body that I abused for so long needs maintenance to keep it running.

Pep talk over, time to make some calls.

I bumped my head

Last Friday morning I was changing Brie and leaned over to pick a bottle she had knocked off the edge.  With the full force of bending down I smacked my head on the wall.  Black. Then searing pain, lots of tears & and more pain and things I can't really remember saying.  I'm very much, don't touch me!!! when I'm hurt...  I managed to make it to the bedroom and had to lay down.  I had the baby on the bed with me and thought I was okay.  I tried to get up after my husband left for work and couldn't see straight. I ended up calling 911.

My baby was a champ.  I felt so bad for scaring her.  She cried when I cried and the fear in her little face will stick with me for quite some time.  The cop arrived first, then the EMTs.  They strapped me to a back board, got her in her baby bucket and off we went to the local hospital. I asked the EMT what she was doing, smiling he said.  She was amazing the whole time.  I think once she knew her mama was being taken care of she settled down and enjoyed the newness.  My Mom showed up at the hospital about an hour later and she was taking her morning nap. Aw. Nurses kept coming by to take a peek, they don't often see happy smiley babies.

I'm still not feeling like myself. My head still aches. I can't imagine using a hair brush but I did gingerly wash it last night.  My sleep is ALL MESSED UP.  I'm crazy tired and not staying asleep real well.  Saturday night I slept for 9 hours straight, but I won't tell you what I took to accomplish that. I woke up in a panic on Sunday morning at 5am convinced that I hadn't pressed any suits or washed any white shirts for my husband to wear to the office.  I'm hoping to start feeling like myself again.  I feel anxious and agitated and icky.  I hate feeling icky.

Eating through the weekend was minimal but it was a lot of things not on the weight loss plan.  I'm fine with that.  My poor brain needed sugar, I ate all the fruits yesterday. Back on the wagon today, sitting at 164.  That's fine.  It's up a tiny bit, but my body is all out of whack, it'll settle back down.

I need to be more careful.  And I need to be nicer to myself.

Moving on

I hit my pre pregnancy weight a week or so ago.  Yay!  As I have said, I can't cart around a fat baby and baby fat at the same time.  I am happy to put that behind me and keep going.
I'm at 165 right now, 10 more pounds to happy weight and 15 to low end of goal.  I think this is probably easily attainable.
It's easy to get caught up in on plan and off plan and bad and good... I'm trying to keep perspective.  Can't deny that I feel better though.  I'm giving much thought to how I eat when I get to maintenance again. I think it will have to be different.

Paying attention

Vitalicious has a pretty big social media presence.  Too bad the people in charge of their Twitter feed aren't paying attention.  This retweet today basically says to me we really just want your money.  

I know it's a big leap... but I think that companies should be responsible for what they put out there and what they retweet.  This chick is very clearly proana.  Is this something that they want to be associated with?  Probably not, but for a flash they are.  And in that one instance, they lost a customer.

Edited to add:

And now they've won me back.  Got these responses this morning. When I back off this low carb thing they will once again be in my freezer. 

We all have off days

I am surprised I have lasted as long as I have on this "diet".  Yesterday was my first day that was not entirely what it should have been.  The things they don't tell you after you have a baby...  Your cycle won't be regular for quite some time. My hormones still feel so totally out of whack.  I've been back on my birth control for 3 months and every time has had breakthrough bleeding.  I'm sort of over two week periods. Before Brie it was a short 4 dyas, I was so regular. I think that's how I knew I was pregnant so early. But now... Ugh, over this.  The bloat, the cramps, the irritability.

I self medicated with ice cream last night.  320 calorie for 1/2 cup ice cream!  I had about half a cup before I went to bed and woke up with a screaming headache and achey joints.  Geeze, coincidence?  I think not.

So back up on the wagon today.  I'm half way through this journey and ready to see a body I've never seen before. I'm really pleased with my progress and not ready to quit. It was just one evening and one serving of ice cream.  I'm sure there will be more, but right now, I've got work to do.

Motivating numbers

When the trainer weighed me on his scale back at the beginning of March I was 191 and this morning I was 171. That's a 20 pound loss in about nine weeks!  More than what my own scale is telling me actually, which is 185ish to 167ish.  I say ish because my scale, well it has ish. I saw 167.8 and 168.4 this morning!  This thrills me, I was 166 on my scale when I got pregnant.  I'm basically back.  I know, blah blah blah, don't get caught up by the numbers, but you know what?  F*ck that. I'm motivated, and I want to see 150.

My body fat percentage has gone from 33% to 27%.  Average is 25%-33%...  If I could get to 24%, that's umm, the fitness category.  We'll see.  I've never been YaY!!!! FITNESS.  But that's changing.  Slowly.

I need to figure out how to keep up with the good thing I have going on, but right now, I get another 20 sessions with the trainer.  This is costing an arm and a leg, but I haven't done anything for my health lately that has made as big of a difference as this has.  Worth every penny, because she's priceless.