I do not want to think about food.

I'm looking forward to the diet.  Craziness.  But different things work for different people at different times in their life.  There is no one size fits all way to lose weight.  I expect this to work for me.  I'm ready and willing and it requires very little thought.

I've popped the meal plan into myplate.gov so I could get a look at what I'd be deficient in... Obviously some things, but it's cleaner eating than what I have been taking in.  Just because it's made with organic ingredients and no preservatives doesn't mean it's good for you...  A cookie is still a cookie.

I'm feeling less overwhelmed by the new Momness but still just as busy.  I'm far more concerned with what (or not) and how my daughter eats than my own food.  If I was still single with all the free time in the world it would be different.  But I'm not and so I need to have a different tactic.

I wonder why I feel the need to justify.  I think because all I have read lately is that dieting is bad bad BAD FOR YOU!  Meh, maybe if you are already a healthy weight and heavily influenced by Glossies...  Dieting is not the worst thing you can do for yourself, it has in fact saved many of us.

I realize losing twenty pounds in not going to save my life the way losing 185 pounds did.  I do believe it will make me happier and healthier though.  Less weight it always a good thing on this broken body and getting back the headspace that I'm currently giving to thoughts of "I'm fat" is certainly going to make me happier.  I don't have to accept this body as the way it's going to be for the rest of my life no way.

Date night dinner was AMAZING!  We went to No. 9 Park had an app, main course and dessert. It was just enough at each course to feel happily full at the end of the meal without feeling like I had overdone it.  I was afraid I'd be all MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS knowing that I was starting a diet on Monday but that has so not been the case.

I still believe I am cured, just need to get this baby weight off!

Restrictive dieting

Brain dump ahead.

The trainer I am working with will provide you with a meal plan aimed at keeping metabolism humming and confused. The gist of it, Days 1-3 70% Protein, 15% each fat and carbs.  Days 4-6 is 50% protein, 30% fat and still 15% carbs.  The last day is 25% protein, 20% fat and 55% carbs.  I think my numbers don't exactly match his on the last day but it's close enough.  Average daily calories is 1250.  YIKES!!!

So back in the day, about this time of year in 2000 I was eating 1200 calories give or take in a day.  I did that for well over a year and a half getting back down to 240.  I think about it now and I am amazed I persevered for so long.  Maybe that's just the benefit of time?  Was it hard?  It must have been,  still,  I must have done it.  I motivated EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY.  And almost everyday I ate 1200 calories. I have my food diary from then.  Lots of veggies.  Lots and lots of veggies.  SO few calories.

Anyways, back to now.  As a wannabe RD I follow a bunch of actual RD's on Twitter, a bunch of ppl who have been to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, many a folk who have basically hung out their own shingle and various other ppl at all stages of their journey.  I like the maintainers who know they should be maintaining the best.  (Think about it)  Those who need to lose weight largely talk about dieting.  The RD's saying you shouldn't diet, it's bad for you, it only leads to an eating disorder.  Maybe? I don't think so.

I am going to attempt to follow his plan for as long as I can.  I'm allowed to add spices.  :)  I get a little nervous about eating the same thing over and over for several days at a time, but in reality when I lost weight before, I was doing exactly that.  Also, knowing what I know, I'll ask and see about a few substitutions, for example, I need more Iron from my salad greens!

I think I'm ready to add in the diet part of this. The exercise is not only making me strong, it's also making me feel guilty.  I shouldn't be eating like crap when I need to be actually fueling my body. When you are merely existing it's easy to be complacent. Edited to add that his plan appeals to me because I won't have to think about it.  I just follow and eat.  That's okay to do.  I know this.

I'm still kind of hard on myself.  But in reality, I'm doing all right. 185.6 this morning.  I want that number to move.  It will take concerted effort, and yes, dieting mentality.  I need to kick it out of maintenance mode for the moment.  Clearly I can do that, no matter what the weight.  I will add 185 to the list of pounds where I can hang, it includes 165 and 240.

The when.  I think Monday of next week.  I know it's cliche, a Monday.  Don't care.  My mom is sponsoring an overnight date night for my husband and I this weekend.  Will be at a B&B in the city and she'l be with my little girl.  It'll be hard to leave her but I'm looking forward to the time with my husband.

She's 5 months today. And I hear her.  Perfect timing.  One last edit:

A month in...

I have muscles.  I had forgotten.  It's nice to know they are there.  Pushups (still modified) are cracking up my baby girl.  Even though the laughs get stuck in her belly.  The fact that I can now do a pushup is pretty awesome.  I'm not sure what exactly I will do to keep this up after these sessions are over, down the road it's something the trainer and I will talk about.  I can't wait to see how far I can get.

So, the ah-ha!  (It's actually not all that profound) I've been cheating myself.  Somewhere along the line I just said "fuck it" to the exercise.  This was a mistake.  But it's hard to motivate when you are in pain.  It's hard to know how to help yourself when you've been so broken.  I'm still convinced that weight loss (and maintenance especially) is 85% what you put in your mouth.  But you can't ignore your body.  Like the brain, you have to use every day.  We are not built to be lumps on logs.  We are meant to jump and run and play.  Some of these things I can't do, but doesn't mean I can't do SOMETHING.  That's the key here.  I say it all the time about food, every little bit helps, those small choices add up to something big.  The same has to be true of exercise.  Hopefully someday I can get to the point where I just live active, like I live with food.  I'm not there yet, but I hope to find myself there some day.

And if anyone I went to high school is reading this... I'm thinking of exercise as an effort grade.  I was at 4, I need to be a 2 at minimum.  :)

Work in progress as always.

I've had an exercise ah-ha!

Thoughts to come.

4 sessions in and...

I am no longer afraid of my stairs.  I am purposefully keeping my knee over my ankle with every step up and every step down instead of careening down the stairs or pulling myself up with the banister. I have hope for my physical self.  That's something I haven't had in a long time.  I had forgotten what it is like to use your muscles.  It's so easy to be complacent.  To lounge.  You don't have to be 345 pounds to be in shit shape.

I am 65 pounds of fat.

And 120something lbs of lean body mass.  I (of course) weigh more on his scale (although being honest on my own I'm like 188) but that's okay.  I am encouraged by our slow start.  I am sore today but not overly so.  Progress is going to be incremental but that's also okay.  It took me 5 years before... this 35 pounds is nothing in the great scheme of things.

I like this guy and his facility.  It's been a long time since I looked at my body in the mirror like that.  Legs are all cellulite and my arms have wings.  My knee cap doesn't move.  At all.  I find my knee to be the hardest thing to look at in the mirror.  It looks even less like it should than it ever has.  The fat, I can fix that, and even the skin.  But the disfigured leg.  Here for good, only getting worse.

I may have made peace with my weight over the years but I have not made peace with my knee or the pain that emanates from it.

Although, currently, I am not at peace with my weight.  I'm creeping upwards and feel like if I don't squish it now....  Yeah.  I feel those old bad thoughts about my self seeping in, the self loathing, the negativity.  It's such a cycle.  Doesn't help that I'm still having some personal problems.  My self worth is about as low as it gets.  But I've got this little one... and she's relying on me totally.

So I get up every day, one foot in front of the other.

I can do it.

I hired a personal trainer

I'm scared shitless.   I have never paid anyone or organization to help me lose weight before.  But I am so far gone physically... That this seems like the best option.  We'll see after the first session.  I bought 20!!!!  and so have three months in which to use them.  I'll report back when I get home.  Just tossing my fear onto the internets in hopes that it makes it less.

He'll be measuring my body fat with skin calipers!