Three years ago today.

Gram was ready to go. Her body had been through so much over the years and the diabetes finally won. I was not there. This picture was taken a couple of months prior. You can't see my PICC line but since I had had time off from work due to that Staph infection of my third ACL I was able to come down to the Cape and spend a few days with her. I am so glad I did because when I was better I was ready to get back to my life. I will never forget the beet salad, no dressing, I was eating at Cambridge Brew Company for lunch when she died. I got back to my desk and my VM light was on, no message. Twin sis and Mom were here, and that's the way it was supposed to be, but still... Mom waited for me to drive the 100 miles before she called the funeral home. Her HHAs had come and changed her into the dress she wore to my wedding. There she lay on the bed with no light, no color, no more Gram.

Today has been a rough day. We came down to the Cape last night and I did not know that I would feel like this. This place we retreat to was her home. In some ways I feel like she could still return. I miss her. I miss her strength, her wisdom, her smile. I walked down to the bay side beach where her ashes are this morning. It's brilliantly sunny but chilly today. It was brisk but it reminded me that I am alive. Despite the issues in my life currently, I am here and my body is capable. She was so proud of me when I got my weight down. She couldn't really see me, but when she hugged me she could tell. I know she is still proud of me but today I really wish I could hear her say it.