Loose Ends

In December we moved into the city but my favorite Starbucks is still in Watertown. I know those peeps, it's comfy and I can get work done there. I got the large table today next to the plug. Normally I'll sit at the bar, which has seats for three. When I got there one of those was open. About an hour into my stay I looked up and could see in the reflection of the espresso machine some guy watching me. I looked over at the bar and sitting next to this guy was my former Orthopedic Surgeon! He smiled and I looked away like I didn't quite recognize him. It was about to be refill time and there was no way I couldn't see him when standing at the counter. I think we were both trying to avoid eye contact but every time I looked over there one of them was looking my way. He sorta stopped on his way out, walked and talked while putting on his coat. Again all smiles and so was his friend. I wonder if they talked about me, I know my situation made him sad. I wish we had been able to chat, didn't even have to be about the knee. I don't know why I feel like there are loose ends there. I'm sure he could see that I am doing just fine, I look ridiculously thin compared to this time last year & was all cuted up as usual.

Here's the thing about Dr. B. I really liked him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a tiny crush on him. I think it was the sweaters? He is a really nice guy and what happened to me wasn't his fault. I just... couldn't keep crying at him. There wasn't much he could do for me after surgery number 11. As a direct result of his suggestions I am where I am now, that is to say worse off than I was before I/we decided to have my ACL replaced for the 3rd time. He didn't do that surgery but I did go running back to him when it failed. He likes to say his door is always open, and it is, he's just limited in his capacity in what he could do for the exception to the rule. I should write him that letter I talked about last Spring. I just stopped seeing him, it was becoming too hard on my heart. At the time it felt cowardly but appointment after appointment a year ago when the bone graft was causing me great pain I cried at him. After that was fixed I still cried at him. I'm crying now. I don't know why this random run in affected me the way it did today. I came home after a trip to the store and just kind of fell apart for a bit and then I napped right through section this evening.

I see a new therapist tomorrow. I think I will be asking for more appointments. Today was great reminder that I am not at peace with my knee and how it got to this point. Clearly I have issues if a relatively pleasant run in ruined my day. I need to be to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other and that didn't happen today. I cried instead.