A month in...

I have muscles.  I had forgotten.  It's nice to know they are there.  Pushups (still modified) are cracking up my baby girl.  Even though the laughs get stuck in her belly.  The fact that I can now do a pushup is pretty awesome.  I'm not sure what exactly I will do to keep this up after these sessions are over, down the road it's something the trainer and I will talk about.  I can't wait to see how far I can get.

So, the ah-ha!  (It's actually not all that profound) I've been cheating myself.  Somewhere along the line I just said "fuck it" to the exercise.  This was a mistake.  But it's hard to motivate when you are in pain.  It's hard to know how to help yourself when you've been so broken.  I'm still convinced that weight loss (and maintenance especially) is 85% what you put in your mouth.  But you can't ignore your body.  Like the brain, you have to use every day.  We are not built to be lumps on logs.  We are meant to jump and run and play.  Some of these things I can't do, but doesn't mean I can't do SOMETHING.  That's the key here.  I say it all the time about food, every little bit helps, those small choices add up to something big.  The same has to be true of exercise.  Hopefully someday I can get to the point where I just live active, like I live with food.  I'm not there yet, but I hope to find myself there some day.

And if anyone I went to high school is reading this... I'm thinking of exercise as an effort grade.  I was at 4, I need to be a 2 at minimum.  :)

Work in progress as always.

I've had an exercise ah-ha!

Thoughts to come.

4 sessions in and...

I am no longer afraid of my stairs.  I am purposefully keeping my knee over my ankle with every step up and every step down instead of careening down the stairs or pulling myself up with the banister. I have hope for my physical self.  That's something I haven't had in a long time.  I had forgotten what it is like to use your muscles.  It's so easy to be complacent.  To lounge.  You don't have to be 345 pounds to be in shit shape.

I am 65 pounds of fat.

And 120something lbs of lean body mass.  I (of course) weigh more on his scale (although being honest on my own I'm like 188) but that's okay.  I am encouraged by our slow start.  I am sore today but not overly so.  Progress is going to be incremental but that's also okay.  It took me 5 years before... this 35 pounds is nothing in the great scheme of things.

I like this guy and his facility.  It's been a long time since I looked at my body in the mirror like that.  Legs are all cellulite and my arms have wings.  My knee cap doesn't move.  At all.  I find my knee to be the hardest thing to look at in the mirror.  It looks even less like it should than it ever has.  The fat, I can fix that, and even the skin.  But the disfigured leg.  Here for good, only getting worse.

I may have made peace with my weight over the years but I have not made peace with my knee or the pain that emanates from it.

Although, currently, I am not at peace with my weight.  I'm creeping upwards and feel like if I don't squish it now....  Yeah.  I feel those old bad thoughts about my self seeping in, the self loathing, the negativity.  It's such a cycle.  Doesn't help that I'm still having some personal problems.  My self worth is about as low as it gets.  But I've got this little one... and she's relying on me totally.

So I get up every day, one foot in front of the other.

I can do it.

I hired a personal trainer

I'm scared shitless.   I have never paid anyone or organization to help me lose weight before.  But I am so far gone physically... That this seems like the best option.  We'll see after the first session.  I bought 20!!!!  and so have three months in which to use them.  I'll report back when I get home.  Just tossing my fear onto the internets in hopes that it makes it less.

He'll be measuring my body fat with skin calipers!