Yes, I really was that fat, sometimes I forget.

I came across some old pictures down on the Cape. This is Christmas 2000.


And this is the previous summer? I think? There are few pictures of me near 300 pounds.

Where did all this fluid come from?

I had heels on twice last week. Maybe I am still feeling puffy from that? I wish I knew what was causing it this week but I can't really pinpoint any specific cause (well besides the obvious) of why I am feeling this way. Such an odd feeling--- this tightness of skin stretched by fluid. But where it is the worst, I can't feel that area.... Going on 5 months and I am not sure that I am going to get that feeling back. Fine, there are other surgically altered areas of my body, the whole lateral side of my left knee for instance, that have no feeling. But it is uncomfortable in a way I can't explain.

Midterm Madness

Has come and gone, pulled a solid B in Orgo and a B+ on Lab Practical. And so it starts again.

Breaking up is hard to do.

I need to write another letter. This time to my Ortho Doc. I'm not even sure what to say. Telling him he has caused me nothing but pain and heartache doesn't quite seem like a nice thing to do... However it is important for me to tell him that decisions he has made have had a real impact on my life. The constant stream of tears at the last three visits I'm sure give that away, but it will help me to write it out. This is not my fault.

Doctors and such...

PCP is casting about for a new ortho doc. Someone who specializes in failed surgeries. No calcium deposits in the soft tissue, thankfully, but still, pain.

In other news I sent this to my Plastic Surgeon today.

Hi Dr. B!

I’ve been meaning to write you for some time now, but life, it’s been busy. Today is actually my birthday, it’s given me pause and a reason to reflect on what I’ve been through in the past year. The summer ended with lots of days at the beach and then vacation in late August. Now I’m back in school; Anatomy & Physiology, Organic Chemistry and Bio Chemistry are all on my plate. Time consuming, but worth it in the end if it gets me to the Dietetics degree. I am even more convinced now that you can change your life. Even if requires some surgical intervention at the end.

I cannot express to you how much this surgery has done for me. Physically and emotionally life is orders of magnitude better-- especially now that I am all healed. I am still experiencing occasional swelling or puffiness as I am fond of referring to it. Mostly on days with too much sodium or say standing several hours for a concert. I had a small pull next to my belly button for a while late summer. I knew the moment it happened (ouch!) and it lasted for the 6 weeks you said that those types of injuries would. The pull was the result of a fall due to my chronic instability in my knee. I have noticed however that the loss of that skin has made a huge difference in how I walk and carry myself. I do feel like this has helped my knee alignment, maybe that’s just wishful thinking, but it does seem better. I am excited to see what having my thighs reduced could do for that as well. My weight seems to have settled out at 157 pounds. This is smaller than I was pre surgery even with the skin removal. I feel fuller sooner which seems odd, but I suppose if you tuck the tummy in all tight it’s not going to be able to get as full before you feel it.

Emotionally sometimes I struggle with being so artificially flat, like I’ve cheated somehow. I know that is all in my head and this procedure was the best thing that I could have done for myself post massive weight loss. I always felt skinny, but never felt thin. It’s hard to explain the difference in these two words, but for me it’s huge. Clothing has once again become a vice-- I’ve been trying on pants, pants and more pants. Still a bit of a tough fit in the thighs, but I am happy to have the option for warmer clothes once winter arrives. I had thought that wearing a pair of pants would take away the femininity that I have so carefully cultivated through all those years of camouflaging skirts and dresses. Instead I have found the opposite; they have given me more confidence in my body and in being a woman than I could have anticipated. I thank you for that.

I also wanted to thank you for being so super. That word seems woefully inadequate for how positively I feel about this whole experience and you as a surgeon. When people ask me about my surgery I tell them that I had a doctor whom I felt was truly invested in making me well. Weight loss and plastics is just as much a mental journey as a physical one and despite my complications I always knew that I was being well taken care of, I was being listened to and supported.

Twin sis is going ahead with her procedure with Dr. D at N scheduled for 11/11. As you recall her weight loss is more in the 80lb. range, not the 180lb range. So while there is less to remove the surgery is no less necessary. She was also a heavy kid and this seems to contribute greatly to how much our skin has been stretched out over the years. I’m so thrilled that she is going to have this done as well but a bit sad that you won’t be the one performing the procedure. Currently it is a little awkward being twins and not having the same build. She constantly comments on how flat I am. I can't wait to repay the compliment. I also think seeing difference in her will help cement my own experience. I wake up everyday still amazed at the transformation. I often wonder when the novelty will wear off. It has not yet.

I hope you are enjoying your time abroad. Change of scenery is always good to help one reassess. Being totally selfish though, I do hope that you’ll be back and be setting up a practice. Given the wonderful experience and results that I had with my surgeries there is no way that I won’t do the rest of it.
I hope you and your family are well.

Best,
S

I Tweet

More than I should? I dunno. Sometimes it's just easier than putting together a blog post. Check me out @BubbyHeart.

X Rays today FINALLY!

Trying not to let that distract me form the chemistry at hand.

Answers? Doubtful, but a path to get some? Probable.

It won't be like this forever or Orgo is hard.

I have to remind myself of that. It is hard and I am taking it at a place where they teach more of the concepts than most.... Organic chemistry will end in two months. I can do this. Today I need to remind myself of what I have already accomplished and that I can do anything.

Personal pep talks help. Especially when life is feeling overwhelming.

In other news I saw a number on the scale I hadn't seen in a while 157. Period and two beers last night be dammed apparently. I'm eating well, lots of protein, limiting the caffeine (even tho I am exhausted) and generally trying to take in good fuel. Helps the brain function hopefully.

Back to chirality.

It's cold

And I hate it. Seriously. I don't miss the weight but I do miss the insulation.

Do you ever see a picture of yourself?

And be like, holy crap! That's me?

Pictures are worth a thousand words.

I miss my Gram. I found this picture stuffed in a jewelry box while cleaning today. This was taken on her 70th Birthday. I hadn't met my husband yet, but would two months later. This is summer of 2002 and I'm 250+.

She's been on my mind lately. I think it's all this chemistry I am studying plus the Anatomy... All these little atoms forming molecules forming cells forming tissues forming organs forming you. You with a consciousness. I wonder what happens to that energy that is you? I know where it goes when you lose weight, but when you light goes out, where does it go?

I'm okay with not having the answer to that.

Sometimes it just comes easy

Like right now. Eating well and in moderation is not hard at all. A couple of months ago, so hard. These cycles I've noticed in the past several years are just what they are. Good days and bad days come and go.

I wish

I wish a lot of things. Mostly I wish my body worked better. Especially my immune system.

Coke

Changing their nutrition label. I don't care why they are doing it, just happy they are. Like the article says, I assume it's a preemptive strike against all this soda tax chatter. I personally think obesity taxes are silly. Let's have some personal responsibility instead.

One of the reasons why I want to be a Dietician

Is my husband. He needs a low sodium diet, too much fluid on him is a bad thing. Even skinny people need help with food choices sometimes. He saw the doctor recently and was told to keep on the low sodium bandwagon. So back on it we go. I need to be better about not bringing food in the house that is bad for him. Not that'll he'll eat it, but it's the right thing to do.

Cooking low sodium has gotten easier as I have learned more about it. Flavor can come from all sorts of places, not just salt. My closet is stocked with all sorts of spices. Tonight I'll make a lasagna that uses a roux and swiss instead of mozzarella and ricotta. It's time consuming but worth it because we are what we eat. That fact has hit me hard this week. I was eating like crap and now am paying the price with a nasty cold. The scale wasn't moving, but I wasn't doing my self any favors by eating ice cream for dinner. Hello, wake up call. Just because your thin doesn't mean you can eat whatever you want. It just doesn't work that way.

Off to go make my sauce.

Look at us!

I had the pleasure of seeing an old friend from high school this past weekend. He was in town for the dedication of his baby girl, there was a church service followed by a get together at his grandparents lake house. His Mom was in town too and I just love this woman. She greeted twin sis and I with a hug and was all "Look at us! We're all skinny!" She's a wonderful lady who never made me feel bad about my size. At my heaviest twin sis and I had road tripped to Nashville over New Years to see our friend and his Mom welcomed us into her house even though we just showed up and the family was under a great deal of stress. I was massive then but she was very kind to me. I remember leaving her house with bags of clothes that were now too small for her, but just large enough for me. I was a 3x/28 then and although mortified by her gift was also grateful. She had just had a panniculectomy and I was amazed at the difference in her shape. She had lost some weight but not all of it, however her excess skin was causing problems and so she had the surgery pretty early on. I think it was her experience that planted the plastics seed in me. Ten years later and she still looks amazing, still thin, still eating well and has even lost a few more pounds.

At one point in the afternoon some old neighbors came by. It was clear that she hadn't seen these people in forever, because that moment happened. That moment I love, that moment where someone you haven't seen in forever is simply happy for you and the changes you have made in your life. I teared up watching my friend's mom be embraced and complimented by someone from her past. She kept saying over and over, "Look at you!"

America's Best Idea

I've been watching the Ken Burns series on the National Parks. Amazing. My list of places I want to go grows longer with each episode. Check it out if you haven't seen it yet.