Today was one of those days that I feared.

As I got further into my thirties people would often ask about our plans for children.  We had talked about it and I had said years ago if I was going to, I wanted a baby by 35.  But life happened and I was sinking underneath the pain of my knee and my husband's hearing was getting worse as the years passed.  I had convinced myself that we were two people who had come together to take care of one another. I make no secret of the fact that Brie is a vacation souvenir. She was the Universe's way of saying, "Hey Kids! Get out of your own way!"

I can't believe she will be one in three days.  Seems impossible.  As I sit here in a crazy amount of pain tonight I think, one year down, how many more to go?  I'm actually pretty pleased I got this far without having one of those days I feared. One of those days where it was physically hard to care for her. I actually did have a few of these earlier this winter and that's when I took action and got myself into shape.

However now that I have muscle I'm dismayed that today still sucked.  I woke up with unexplained medial pain, stiffness and swelling.  Last night's work out was no different than any other I've been through this year and yet today was one of the hardest I've had in years. I'm ashamed to say that I napped this am during her nap and she was up before I was.  Happily chilling in her crib, but I still felt bad.  We had lunch at home and then it was off to visit Daddy.  I leaned on the stroller for our walk to get his lunch. I've had more pills than I should today and I'll replace the Lidocain patch with another after my shower. Pharmaceuticals have left me numb and somewhat short tempered. Bath time was uber short tonight because I couldn't kneel next to the tub, more guilt, it is one of her favorite parts of the day. After that it was back in the car to run a couple more errands, CSA and CVS. I couldn't fathom getting up and down off the floor tonight.  Too much, even with the pain management. 

I want tomorrow to be better.  Like every day I will put one foot in front of the other... But still, I fear more days like today.  It is profoundly important to me that we be active together. If even if she's not walking yet I want to be active with her.  I don't want her to go through what I did as a kid...  I am afraid she will pay for my stubbornness, for my years of disuse and abuse. 

So I'll try again tomorrow.  If I've learned anything it's that my pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully tomorrow it will be less.  Regardless, she deserves the best of me. 

The "Fit" part of FitBloggin'

It's no secret that I'm not exactly YaY!!!! Fitness!!!! While I am now convinced that it is a non-negotiable part of being healthy it has not been an easy place to arrive at.  I haven't blogged much about my change in attitude this year because I haven't been able to find the right words.  Back in June my trainer asked me to write a testimonial, he asked again this evening.  To sum up, he's changed my life. But that's another post.

I was nervous about the workouts at FitBloggin'. Could I do it? Could my beat up knee handle it? While I've been working out twice a week since February I wasn't really sure where my fitness level was in comparison. In comparison to what I don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I came back up from DC on Friday morning with an EPIC hangover and all I wanted to do was sweat it out. I hustled to get back for the Crossfit workout only to stand around for 30 minutes and workout for 6. Really? This is Crossfit? Air squats, sit ups, burpees and pushups?  Maybe it's different in a Crossfit gym but I was totally unimpressed. I did finally try on the Reebok sneakers though and wore them tonight. Loved them! Much better than my walking sneakers for what we do in my gym.

I wasn't planning on doing the Cathe Friedrich workout Friday morning but after the disappointing Crossfit experience I needed to sweat and hustle. She provided exactly that. I have no coordination nor do I have any speed but I still had a ton of fun. Some things were super easy, like the bands and some stuff was super hard, like the squats with the discs. I had been doing squats in PT this summer with a laminated piece of paper so I was happy to discover that there is actually a piece of equipment I can get for this purpose. Workout DVDs have never been my thing, but being a new mom, I can see myself giving them a shot.

After those two workouts my knee was feeling it.  I iced for the rest of the morning, 20 mins on 20 mins off 3 times.  I took a picture and was SHOCKED to see my quad.

Saturday was more workouts but this time sans hangover. My one big fitness regret of this conference is that I did not get up for Erin's bootcamp. I psyched myself out of it after watching her online videos... She was in front of me during the Cathe Friedrich workout and I was in awe of her strength and power. When I put the two together I was all No Way! Turns out Erin is one of the nicest sweetest people ever. I took one picture of myself with someone else at FitBloggin and it was with her. I really wish this had been taken after that bootcamp. Now I know. Self doubt is still a problem for me. 

My favorite workout was by far and away the Fit Trampoline session put on by Jump Sport Saturday morning. It was led by one of the most charismatic fitness instructors I've ever seen. Not that I've seen many, but wow, Jeff was awesome. I was hesitant to try it because of my knee issues but once it was explained to me that this is about pushing down rather than jumping up I was sold. Not that jumping up and down on a trampoline wasn't fun and totally freeing (omg I got air) but the glutes, hamstrings and quads really got a workout. I tweeted this picture of me in hopes of winning of a trampoline and even though I didn't, I love this picture. That smile on my face is pure happy endorphins. 

Next up was Zumba and I really wanted to love it. I hated it. It was rough on the knee and I'm not sure if that's because I had done a bunch of stuff already but... wow.  I already knew I was not coordinated from the Cathe Friedrich experience but Zumba took it too a whole new level. Hips and rhythm and I don't have it. About fifteen minutes in I took a wrong step trying to keep an eye on Sue.  Tweaked I was done. I went upstairs to shower and snapped some more pictures.  I loved the full length mirrors in the rooms at the Hyatt (and also in the bathroom).  Not often I get to see myself full length and can check out my awkward angles and sagging skin, but this is me. And my messy hotel room. 

The last fitness opportunity was the 5k on Sunday morning.  Normally distance is not a problem for me.  I walk all the time.  Several miles several times a week usually pushing a stroller.  Sunday morning I woke and unfortunately was clicking with every step.  I think it had to do with the shoes I had on in this picture below.  What you can't see because of the pose is the Lidocain patch.  I love those things but as I explained to a Baltimore Raven hitting on me in the elevator they give me confidence I shouldn't necessarily have... He complimented me on my shoes. It's been years since I've worn a pair of heels with confidence. 

I hemmed and hawed over which distance to do but in the end was glad I went with the mile. Our small group included two of my most favorite people from the weekend. Shauna and Sue. Meeting these two is a whole other post but what a way to finish up my weekend. :) 

It was a surprise to me how much I loved the fitness part of FitBloggin'. It gave me a chance to try out exercises I never would have otherwise and I was thrilled to discover that I am actually in pretty decent shape. I've been building up slowly since February and it was neat to be able to just do. I sweat for sure and even sucked some wind (Affirmative!) but overall I kept up just fine. What a fantastic opportunity I had to show myself that I am capable.  I may have the knee of an 80 year old but I can still use my body.

I went to FitBloggin'

And here is what I learned:

I am relevant.

Roni tossed it out there on Twitter back in late August.

My response annoys me now.

I have so much more to say but I'm exhausted and tomorrow is a big day in my world. I talked a lot about my knee this weekend and tomorrow I start plotting next surgical steps. I hope to have a couple of different posts up about the Fit part of FitBloggin and also one about all the wonderful people I got to meet. What a fantastic treat to interact with all these people I've known online for years in person. 

 

Summer

What a great summer.  I am in the best shape I have ever been.  I took about a month off from the weight loss efforts...  Travel and then more travel.  I saw 147 for a moment and then bounced.  Back to 148 this am so headed in the right direction again.  At 5'7.5" this is a good weight for me but my knee thinks I still might like to be a bit lighter.
I've overcome that pop with some intensive physical therapy and more sessions with trainer. I'm on the fence about what is next for my knee.  So much of this is about personal motivation but I can't help but think I might benefit from a cleaning out.  That would make surgery number 12 on the left knee. I have to say that I am DAMN PROUD of myself that I didn't put on any weight as a result of that injury. I just kept working through it.  If you haven't gotten the food figured out then you can not rely on exercise to keep weight off.  Bouncing 10-15-20 pounds as the result of an injury over the course of a couple months.  Yeah, that's not me.  Shouldn't be you either.  But alas, I've seen a lot of it this year on the internets.

IT'S THE FOOD PEOPLE!

Acute vs Chronic

Over a week ago my knee popped.  Haven't been able to go upstairs since.  Always something.  Finally made the appointment to see my Ortho on the 19th.  It's been 2 1/2 years since last look.
In other news I'm down to 154.  ONE FIFTY FOUR. I have arrived squarely on the other side of my wardrobe. Everything is too big.  It's an okay problem to have, this is uncharted territory for me!!!

More Health Care Worries

I am trying to define all of my OA.  I'd like a baseline of where I am now so that in 10, 20 years I can note the progression.  I have no idea what all my healthcare $$$ pay for, but I feel like getting good appropriate care is freaking hard to do.  My PCP referred me back to my old Ortho, Dr. B. for my back.  Umm, no.  I wrote her back a terse email, saying basically I'd rather continue to hurt. She then placed referral for another Ortho and when I called to make appointment the woman on phone was all, "He doesn't do backs." Ugh, yes, I know.  But he is apparently an expert in arthritis. Hoping he'll listen to what I have to say and if he can't help, maybe knows someone who can.  Really I don't want to be "treated" I just want to define this.  How much, where, how far along?  Having answers to these questions will help me process the pain.

I think I'm grumpy because I fell last Saturday.  Jarring as always. Thank goodness I wasn't carrying my baby. And thank goodness for her.  Some how I was blessed with one of the happiest smiliest babies ever.

Healthcare

I spend a lot of time worrying about healthcare in this country.  I can't help it.  Maybe I follow to many doctors on Twitter or have had too many conversation with my mother about the future of healthcare while she pursues her PhD in Healthcare Administration.  It's scary.  We have not yet seen the bottom, not even close. I will freely admit that my current weight loss, past the baby weight and hopefully through the gain from ACL fail #3 is motivated by fear.  Fear that someday healthcare will be a moral judgement. Can I maintain motivated by fear?  Unlikely, but hopefully I can get to a weight where I don't ache constantly. Being in less pain is always motivating.

Eating well has calmed my body down and the working out has vastly improved my strength and stability, but the ache persists.  A friend told me yesterday I am too young to be in so much pain.  I don't think that if you look at me you see it.  Maybe if I were still heavy one would.  But as is.  Nope.  I think that's why I am struggling to get some help from my PCP.  I like this woman, but what am I paying for?  I just want answers, I don't want to be fixed.  I'm smart enough to know that I can't be "fixed." I hate being a heavy user of healthcare but I want to know how far along some of this OA is, how much worse can it get?  I'd prefer to never see another doctor again (unless it's a plastic surgeon) but I can't get away with that.  This body that I abused for so long needs maintenance to keep it running.

Pep talk over, time to make some calls.