It's been almost a year since I've blogged...

I've thought about it many times, but I just can't come up with the words.  My knee surgery in March went well, or so I hope.  Check up in two weeks.

I think I need to start writing again more.  I'm struggling with life.

Things I Am NOT Okay With

2013 is the year I finally fix my knee. 

ACI and an osteotomy to come... 

Time to get ready. 

I'm okay with it

Body Parts

How broken do I have to be?

When I saw my Ortho back in June he said, "Come back and see me when you are ready to do something." Not an exact quote but pretty damn close. I thought okay... I had just spent the entirety of the appointment saying no to everything he could offer me except for PT.  PT was an AWESOME experience this past summer.  Shame on me for not keeping up with my home exercises, but it really did improve my overall functionality.  The release of my IT band was worth the physical pain and the emotional hassle of finding someone to watch my Brie.

Imagine my ____________ when I saw him last week and he was all, let's get an MRI.  Really?  Another MRI?  What on earth could you possibly see in there that would changed anything.  I reminded him that there is all sorts of distortion etc and he said that's fine...  We'll do it anyways.  Frankly I feel like I am being put off.  I don't know why I have this feeling but I do.  He also said a few other things that stuck with me, this gem, "Your knee does not respond well to surgery."  Yeah, no shit, that's how I got here. And also this, "We can follow up via email." Since I didn't make the appointment with the MRI peeps right away I had to call back his secretary. She surprisingly scheduled me a followup for the day of the MRI.  I am so tempted to blow it off.  It's next Tuesday...  I have some time to decide, but I think I'll go because I'm hurting.

I mean really hurting. The lighting is kind of crappy but I took a couple pictures of my knee two nights ago because I was trying to get a good picture of how small my left leg is compared to right one. What I ended up with instead was a punch to the gut.  I think it's the weight loss.  My knee is a ball of arthritis, I knew this was the case, but it is so physically obvious now.  This picture makes me want to gain weight, so that I can't see the swelling around the joint.  I know that's silly, but it is sort of how I felt about my excess skin.  This need to disguise or hide it by plumping back up the rest of me.  I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself and honestly I really would like to lose ten more pounds.  Less weight will still hopefully equal less pain. 

I know that I wanted to go five years knee surgery free...  but I just don't know that I'll make it.  There are all sorts of ways to finesse that number but fact is that on December 1st it will be six years (OMG SIX YEARS) since I had the third ACL try.  In March of next year it will have been 4 years since anyone was last in the joint capsule and that was only for a peek to make sure my wonky bone graft wasn't doing anything weird on the inside.  My knee is full of scar tissue and random flotsam and jetsam.  I have osteophytes every where and my whole knee is just a disaster.  I was informed by a really nice Twitter peep that since the whole knee is an issue that MRI won't really pinpoint my pains.  I'd believe it, even still I'd like to understand what is wrong in there.  Knowing the mechanical glitches helps me process pain.

I need to courage up and ask about the long range plan in specifics. If I was 70 they'd be, here have a new knee.  But I'm half that and honestly my knee doesn't respond well to surgery.  Not sure what I'll do, but I need to make a plan.  Too much worry is being wasted on what ifs right now.

Today was one of those days that I feared.

As I got further into my thirties people would often ask about our plans for children.  We had talked about it and I had said years ago if I was going to, I wanted a baby by 35.  But life happened and I was sinking underneath the pain of my knee and my husband's hearing was getting worse as the years passed.  I had convinced myself that we were two people who had come together to take care of one another. I make no secret of the fact that Brie is a vacation souvenir. She was the Universe's way of saying, "Hey Kids! Get out of your own way!"

I can't believe she will be one in three days.  Seems impossible.  As I sit here in a crazy amount of pain tonight I think, one year down, how many more to go?  I'm actually pretty pleased I got this far without having one of those days I feared. One of those days where it was physically hard to care for her. I actually did have a few of these earlier this winter and that's when I took action and got myself into shape.

However now that I have muscle I'm dismayed that today still sucked.  I woke up with unexplained medial pain, stiffness and swelling.  Last night's work out was no different than any other I've been through this year and yet today was one of the hardest I've had in years. I'm ashamed to say that I napped this am during her nap and she was up before I was.  Happily chilling in her crib, but I still felt bad.  We had lunch at home and then it was off to visit Daddy.  I leaned on the stroller for our walk to get his lunch. I've had more pills than I should today and I'll replace the Lidocain patch with another after my shower. Pharmaceuticals have left me numb and somewhat short tempered. Bath time was uber short tonight because I couldn't kneel next to the tub, more guilt, it is one of her favorite parts of the day. After that it was back in the car to run a couple more errands, CSA and CVS. I couldn't fathom getting up and down off the floor tonight.  Too much, even with the pain management. 

I want tomorrow to be better.  Like every day I will put one foot in front of the other... But still, I fear more days like today.  It is profoundly important to me that we be active together. If even if she's not walking yet I want to be active with her.  I don't want her to go through what I did as a kid...  I am afraid she will pay for my stubbornness, for my years of disuse and abuse. 

So I'll try again tomorrow.  If I've learned anything it's that my pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully tomorrow it will be less.  Regardless, she deserves the best of me. 

The "Fit" part of FitBloggin'

It's no secret that I'm not exactly YaY!!!! Fitness!!!! While I am now convinced that it is a non-negotiable part of being healthy it has not been an easy place to arrive at.  I haven't blogged much about my change in attitude this year because I haven't been able to find the right words.  Back in June my trainer asked me to write a testimonial, he asked again this evening.  To sum up, he's changed my life. But that's another post.

I was nervous about the workouts at FitBloggin'. Could I do it? Could my beat up knee handle it? While I've been working out twice a week since February I wasn't really sure where my fitness level was in comparison. In comparison to what I don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I came back up from DC on Friday morning with an EPIC hangover and all I wanted to do was sweat it out. I hustled to get back for the Crossfit workout only to stand around for 30 minutes and workout for 6. Really? This is Crossfit? Air squats, sit ups, burpees and pushups?  Maybe it's different in a Crossfit gym but I was totally unimpressed. I did finally try on the Reebok sneakers though and wore them tonight. Loved them! Much better than my walking sneakers for what we do in my gym.

I wasn't planning on doing the Cathe Friedrich workout Friday morning but after the disappointing Crossfit experience I needed to sweat and hustle. She provided exactly that. I have no coordination nor do I have any speed but I still had a ton of fun. Some things were super easy, like the bands and some stuff was super hard, like the squats with the discs. I had been doing squats in PT this summer with a laminated piece of paper so I was happy to discover that there is actually a piece of equipment I can get for this purpose. Workout DVDs have never been my thing, but being a new mom, I can see myself giving them a shot.

After those two workouts my knee was feeling it.  I iced for the rest of the morning, 20 mins on 20 mins off 3 times.  I took a picture and was SHOCKED to see my quad.

Saturday was more workouts but this time sans hangover. My one big fitness regret of this conference is that I did not get up for Erin's bootcamp. I psyched myself out of it after watching her online videos... She was in front of me during the Cathe Friedrich workout and I was in awe of her strength and power. When I put the two together I was all No Way! Turns out Erin is one of the nicest sweetest people ever. I took one picture of myself with someone else at FitBloggin and it was with her. I really wish this had been taken after that bootcamp. Now I know. Self doubt is still a problem for me. 

My favorite workout was by far and away the Fit Trampoline session put on by Jump Sport Saturday morning. It was led by one of the most charismatic fitness instructors I've ever seen. Not that I've seen many, but wow, Jeff was awesome. I was hesitant to try it because of my knee issues but once it was explained to me that this is about pushing down rather than jumping up I was sold. Not that jumping up and down on a trampoline wasn't fun and totally freeing (omg I got air) but the glutes, hamstrings and quads really got a workout. I tweeted this picture of me in hopes of winning of a trampoline and even though I didn't, I love this picture. That smile on my face is pure happy endorphins. 

Next up was Zumba and I really wanted to love it. I hated it. It was rough on the knee and I'm not sure if that's because I had done a bunch of stuff already but... wow.  I already knew I was not coordinated from the Cathe Friedrich experience but Zumba took it too a whole new level. Hips and rhythm and I don't have it. About fifteen minutes in I took a wrong step trying to keep an eye on Sue.  Tweaked I was done. I went upstairs to shower and snapped some more pictures.  I loved the full length mirrors in the rooms at the Hyatt (and also in the bathroom).  Not often I get to see myself full length and can check out my awkward angles and sagging skin, but this is me. And my messy hotel room. 

The last fitness opportunity was the 5k on Sunday morning.  Normally distance is not a problem for me.  I walk all the time.  Several miles several times a week usually pushing a stroller.  Sunday morning I woke and unfortunately was clicking with every step.  I think it had to do with the shoes I had on in this picture below.  What you can't see because of the pose is the Lidocain patch.  I love those things but as I explained to a Baltimore Raven hitting on me in the elevator they give me confidence I shouldn't necessarily have... He complimented me on my shoes. It's been years since I've worn a pair of heels with confidence. 

I hemmed and hawed over which distance to do but in the end was glad I went with the mile. Our small group included two of my most favorite people from the weekend. Shauna and Sue. Meeting these two is a whole other post but what a way to finish up my weekend. :) 

It was a surprise to me how much I loved the fitness part of FitBloggin'. It gave me a chance to try out exercises I never would have otherwise and I was thrilled to discover that I am actually in pretty decent shape. I've been building up slowly since February and it was neat to be able to just do. I sweat for sure and even sucked some wind (Affirmative!) but overall I kept up just fine. What a fantastic opportunity I had to show myself that I am capable.  I may have the knee of an 80 year old but I can still use my body.